Auntcis - I've read a lot of your post and get helpful advice---Good luck to you!
I often wonder what it would be like if they'd gone NC. OW had threatened to move out-of-state while pregnant, but never did. For me, it would probably have been easier....
For fWH, I don't know if he could take the pain of not knowing his child after raising our 2 sons and being so close to them. He & a friend w/benefits MAY have a child together. She got married while fWH had an onagain/offagain relationship & his xGF had a baby (turned out to not be his). Anyway, there's a 21-year-old kid out there, that may be my kids' half sister. I think it really bothers him that the child probably never knew that his/her dad isn't their biological father. I think because fWH was having issues with his current GF when he found out about a maybe-child, he just didn't bother to deal with a 2nd child @16-17 years of age. I can't imagine having 2 possible kids on-the-way @16. fWH really missed xGF's baby...and was heartbroken when he found out she'd lied about him being the father. He has very strong emotions for his children.
I believe fWH would have resented me, if he felt pressured to have NC w/OC. But, my biological father never wanted to be part of my life and I felt sad for OC, if she never knew fWH. He is a wonderful father.
I still feel very weird, seeing OC hugging on & wrestling w/fWH. It's like "who is this kid & why are they climbing all over my husband?" It would hurt me when either of us had to do things for OC, knowing that DS9 or DS13 were needing something and they had to wait until OC8 was taken care of. I feel like sometimes, that it's unfair that my sons have to share their father...
I know that's badddddd...but, it's hard not to feel that way sometimes. My sons have medical issues (ADHD w/one being depressed after he found out about A#3) and DS9 has severe allergies to almost everything. They've both have behavior issues & one even may have ODD (oppositional defiance disorder - think it's just stubbornness myself). So much of fWH's time & $$$ used on OC. If I sit down & think long & hard about it...it just really pisses me off sometimes. So much of my time spent on OC, when OW was plotting to have A#3 w/my husband all those years. I know, OC isn't her mother, but her birth forever impacted our marriage.
What I am angry at is the unfairness of it all.
OW got to have the knight in shining armor, emotional support, shoulder to cry on, handyman, best friend, I got the leftover scraps.
OW got to hear about FWH’s problems when I got “I’m fine”
FWH was more honest with her than me-OW knew all about me, I had no idea of what he was doing with her
OW got to have sex with him twice while I was being turned down because FWH was too tired
FWH lead a double-life for 3 months before I finally got let in on the secret. FWH knew about OC for 2 wks before D-Day
OW got a piece of him that was stolen from me
She still gets him, he talks to her, takes her to the Dr. (all OC related only) Even though it is not like EA now for him, she gets to reap the rewards of “male support”
If OC is his:
OW gets to keep a piece of him in the form of OC
OW will always be in our lives, there can be no such thing as NC for us
COM D3 will have to share her daddy
OW gets to have sex with a married man (not her 1st BTW), his baby, his money, an involved father
She doesn’t get FWH as a H, love or a relationship which is what she wants, but it feels like there are no consequences for OW for A. OW was D anyway. I was prepared to be a single mother if we got D, what’s the difference?
It is so unfair! Sorry, just needed to whine
It's so damn unfair isn't it?
Tonight i'm filled with tears because... well I took the kids (all 6 mind you) to the park for most of the day and decided we should stay and have dinner and smores there... and we spent all afternoon/evening as one big happy family. I'm gonna miss that stuff :(
• OW got an enthusiastic and passionate lover
• OW got RIDICULOUS amount of attention – text messages every waking hour of the day
• OW got the one viable sperm my H had to offer and the child I was supposed to have – by ACCIDENT and for FREE
• OW gets $1000/mo
Meanwhile, what do I get? The worst 1.5 years of my life. I got 1.5 years of infertility which has included blood tests, uterine/fallopian tube tests, hormone tests, failed IUIs, makes-you-crazy-clomid, acupuncture, fertility vitamins that make me barf, and period, after period, after period. She got my kid for free… I get to pay $40k on IVF – shots in the belly, progesterone suppositories, the works. If I ever have kids not only will I be paying the debt of my IVF loan, I will also be paying this bitch CS payments for the next 18 years.
Other single, 37 year old women who want kids, are paying $6,000 for sperm AND they are NOT getting CS payments—and they are making it work! BECAUSE THOSE WOMEN CRUNCHED SOME NUMBERS BEFORE THEY DECIDED TO BRING A HUMAN LIFE ON THIS PLANET AND THEY ARE OWNING THEIR CHOICES.
OW got the best fucking fertility deal on the planet…
I feel you pain. I too think it is unfair how OW gets to live her life like she had no kids at all. Every dog has its day, I am waiting for hers!
Trust me, her day is coming.
You are surrounded by love, she is alone with *nothing*.
If I win the lotto, you're going to the spa for a week!
OW got knowledge of knowing fWH chose to get her pregnant & at some point loved her enough to risk the world for her.
Sometimes, it's just sucky to think about it.
In my case, OW got repeat business last year...when they renewed their LOVE for each other for months before I almost-busted them & OW ratted him out after he broke up.
What BAD did OW get out of the deal, except she didn't get fWH to hold her every night for 20 years (like I have had). And maybe, just maybe, fWH didn't cry about her....like he cried about losing me on D-day#3. And, she could never give fWH something I gave him...my virginity. She's been sleeping around since 13...he was never even close to being her first sex!!!!
Repeat, yeah there are some good things that OW never gets to experience, but sometimes it is hard to see that when you think about all the losses and sacrifices that you had to make for other people selfishness.
By the way in case you don't get down to F&G, I wanted to share a picture of all my 6 kids. When I look at them, I know that pain I went thru these past several years was worth it.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:42 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]
Eveerything has been going pretty good around here, until yesterday. I know I will geet some 2x4's for my part in this mess. Yes I deserve them, but I brought some pain into my heart with words from OW, and just not sure how to handle this, and would like some advice. PLEASE.
Here it goes, you all know I have my stepsons password and login to his myspace account, where he was in contact with OW to see pictures of his little brothers, well OW dropped him as a friend about 3 months ago, so I requested her back as a friend just 2 days ago, last night she emailed his account and this is what she wrote.
"Well this comes as a surprise since I know you dont have internet and you dont have a password to this myspace account. So saying that we know its not (stepson). Why do you feel you need to use his profile to get to me. Along with making fake profiles up to try and add my friends, this has gone way to far, you are barking up the wrong tree. Be honest with yourself why are you still searching for stuff on me, I havent done shit to you, Nothing....All I have done is love the one thats loves me. Is that a crime Nope. Your negative searching and lieing and sneaking ways are going to take you down I dont need to do it. Im over it. Im in a new direction and my life is going great. Sorry you will never have what I have with FWH, a connection for life.....They were made in a passion of love weather he was married or not I was being told he was getting out, so Im the victim. I listended to him and believed him, so if you watn to take me to court and do what ever you feel is going to make you fell better about yourself please do it and get it over with, its not going to change the fact thay you and FWH let your marriage slip away, not me, this happened way before me. I have nothing you can take from me, I make a simple minimum wage so if you want to take me to court and try and get your $500,000 good luck....You be getting $10 a month for the rest of your life. That's be worth getting you out of my personal life and searching for shit you can use on me. Im the best mom around, and wont have a problem proving that. My 4 boys are my life and they are loved and well provided for. So just back out of my life."
First off I have not set up any fake profiles to get in contact with her firends, and on the other hand she has done NOTHING to me, well for just starters I asked her to back off, before her pregnancy until she saw a divorse paper, but insisted on competing for my husband.
The other thing is she is aware that I am unable to bear children that is why she feels she has a connection with him, that I will never be able to share with him.
I have not told anyone of this, not even FWH.. Have a erased all evidence of this so no one will ever know, but how should I handle this, should I just ignore, and walk it off, or should I try to make peace with OW, for the sake of the twins. I can play it like I had no involvment, blameshift you know...
I had a hard time with the things she wrote, about her and my FWH, they hurt deep, and kept me up most of the night.
See FWH had left for a hunting trip just before I submitted the request, and then had to come back early because of his dads illness, and then he started acting a little distant. He still his not quite like he was before he left, so I was a little freightened of this action, because from prior experience. I honestly dont want to mention to FWH what I did, but do want to discuss some of her comments, I have never really gotten full disclosure, or feelings expressed to me about this whole OW situation, and what was said, or who said, or felt, really.
Sorry so lengthy, but it does fit in with the currect conversations on here now.
Just need huggs maybe, just confused, and sad.
No 2x4 from me, but a couple of questions that I think you should ask yourself. If things were going good, why did you feel need to contact OW? What information were you trying to gain by contacting her as if you were your step-son? Were things really going good, or has your H did or say something that made you think that you needed to make contact with OW?
Personally, don't acknowledge her. She will probably tell him about this. Carefully think of your answer if he comes and ask you, the same questions I just asked you. Frankly she said things that she knew would hurt you to your core, that was her intention. Whether they are true, only she and your H know that. I don't know if it healthy to even focus on those things, unless you really need an answer from your H about them.
You need to be working on your relationship and do not engage OW, I know it is hard, I went thru it. But you have to make her a non-initity in your relationship. We all make mistakes, so I am not going to bash you for this, just think about what your motivation was and that is what you need to handle.
Hugs, take care hon.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:57 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]
Welcome to our group, and I am so sorry to see you going thru this. I saw your post in JFO and I believe someone gave you a very good suggestion. That suggestion, go NC until DNA comes back.
This is very important if you want to try to R. Make sure your H does not sign anything claiming to be the father. DNA usually takes about 6 weeks so it can be a long painful process, but you must know what you are dealing with so that you can be proactive to the situation.
Right now it is hard to see the light thru the tunnel because right now everything looks dark, believe me I know, but you have to find the strength to get into self-preservation mode. Protect yourself and your children. If this is his child, her Child support will take over your family if you don't file first. Consult a lawyer and find out your rights. Once your H is found to be the legal father, it takes some of her rights away and she can't legally keep him from the child because she doesn't want the wife around.
I see that your H wants to be apart of OC's life, you have to decide what you want, what can you live with. And then you both need to be a united front and show OW that you are. If he visits OC without you, it give OW hope that they will be a little family.
Back on pg.5 I reposted a OC handbook guide, it will give you some suggestions on how to handle this. Please review it and if you need us, please lean on us and feel free to PM me. You are not alone and you don't have to go thru this alone.
ETA: Okay, I saw that he already signed the papers and he saw baby without you. You definately need to consult a lawyer, just you, to see if you can file for CS first. In my state, the Paternity Affidavit can be rescinded within the first 60 days. If he wants to stay married to you, that is what I would suggest he does, if that is what you want. This is just the beginning of up and down emotions, you have to decide what you can live with. So sorry.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:38 AM, September 20th (Sunday)]
Last night he confessed his feelings, about not being with the OC every day, and missing out on soooo much of every day things. Right now we are lucky if we see them every Sunday, as was arranged. But he could not decide to leave the one he loves with all his heart, or to go live with OW, for the sake of being around the OC 24/7. After a very lengthy discussion, and a lot of crying on both parts, he realized that he could not leave me, and wants us to be happy, and figure out away for us and OC to have more time. Mediation again should be coming up this month sometime, and I informed him that he can not let her prolong his joint custody any longer. So I just don't know how to help him, he has strong feelings for wanting to be with the OC more, but he can only do that without me, because OW will not allow me to go with him to see them, more than just coming on the ride for pick-up and drop-offs. He wants to go over on some evenings and help put them in bed, feed dinner, and so on. Like how am I suppose to be ok with that, there is a distance between where OW and we live. We even discussed that he go live with OW and try it out, and see if that is what he really wants, but I would never understand how he can forgive OW for the pain she inflicted on our marriage, and the hurt he would feel for the loss of me. I just do not want him to regret me for the loss of time with his OC. I did not promise that I would be here when and if he returned. I also made it clear of the devistation I would feel if he were to come back, of the thought of them playing house, and sleeping arrangements. I could not promise that I could or would handle it easily.
I did get to voice my feelings, for OW, and the imotions I have recently been going through, which was a great relief. I am so confused now, with knowing that idea was in his head.
It has only been from the first of July, that he has not sneaked off to see the OC without me knowing, so is this a stage that maybe the being apart, or the so called fog is lifting. The physical part with OW has been over for longer, but there were shared moments, that I was not fully aware of, up until july 4th.
Gosh I have such frog eyes today, they hurt, and I just want to sleep all day.
There are several men out there that are not with their children everyday. It is the path that was chosen or what was placed on them. He should have thought about that when he made children with someone else. You don't get 2 families. My h tried it for 10 years and you see where it got him. Everyday he was medicating himself and his feelings trying to juggle both families.
While I can understand that you are concerned and you want to help him, what about you? Don't sacrifice yourself just to make him happy. The boundaries here are still not in stone. Personally he should care more about repairing your marriage instead of getting more time with the OC, JMO. But if that is what he wants, he needs to go into mediation and make it clear and he needs to be prepared in case he is disappointed.
I will not share my H with anyone again and you should not either. Don't disrespect yourself this way, you deserve better than that. If he went to live with OW, he would not be coming back if he was my H.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:37 PM, September 21st (Monday)]
[This message edited by altered at 10:51 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]
My FWH did not get invovled in prenatal stuff other than to see the U/S pics after her appts. and to find out the sex of the baby. The few times she had to go to Labor and delivery and they thought she might deliver early. She called me to let me know what was going on. The ONLY way she was to call FWH's phone was if it was an emergency (immenant delivery, life threatening situation etc) AND i didn't answer my phone for whatever reason. Really the most "exciting" prenatal appt. is the 18-20 week ultrasound where they sex the baby and do a biophysical profile. That U/S is long and kinda fun. So I could se ehim going to that, but the other stuff.. UGHHHHH