I also just recently found out about A and OC D-Day was 2 months ago. I am still finding my way myself, but I can tell you to take as much time and space as you need to decide what is right for you. After my D-Day, I had FWH stay elsewhere for a few days while I thought and put together a list of expectations for R. This forum and site has been very valuable to me for support, information, and just something to bounce thoughts and feelings off of. Hang in there!
Is there any chance that OW's child doesn't belong to WH?
We had a 7-month-old newborn, when I found out OW was about 3-4 months pregnant. We had R (probably false R, looking back) after A#1 w/OW. I knew they were supposedly "just friends" but I was sure OW still loved him & vice-versa. I had a nightmare about OW being pregnant (as fWH had told me more than once that OW wanted a child, but no husband). It's quite ironic that OW was actually pregnant by WH...when I had the nightmare. I always thought it was a guardian angel preparing me for it. WH had laughed off my nightmare @the time. I'm not sure why OW hadn't already called me to gloat over being pregnant. It was very hard to realize that while I was working full time & spending all my lunchbreaks storing breastmilk for DS9, fWH was hooking-up at OW's momma's house or in motels. I didn't know about it being planned (except she hinted @it) until after D-day#3. I had been lied to for over 8 years about HOW it happened (I only went to talk to her & something happened....she called me weeks later to say she thought she was pregnant). It was actually a full-blown A#2 (not ONS or being seduced)....and OC was a planned pregnancy. I still have no clue what fWH thought he'd do with 2 newborns (ours & OWs) and a toddler....what he expected would happen after our D-day.
I would have never known about OC, if fWH hadn't spilled-the-beans, but I'm sure OW would have told me once OC was born. She's always out to destroy our marriage & take fWH away from me. I suspect that even though A#3 happened recently & he's been a paraplegic for 4 years, I don't think the reality of life w/him would hit her until she was knee-deep in it. I don't think she's tough enough to cut-it....living w/fWH for almost 20 years & also dealing with his recent handicap & she'd have 2 stepsons. If fWH ever left me for her....I think she'd run away like a frightened child. I think, she's always foggy about him & that he's a KISA to her.
AND, OC has been telling fWH that granny (the one who can only have supervised visits w/OC due to her marijuana habit) has been trashing fWH everytime OC goes around her. NOW, fWH is thinking that once his disability payment kicks in, he's gonna take it to court so OC's granny only has court-supervised visits (paperwork says OW, OW's BH, or OW's sister can supervise visits w/Granny). Papers don't say Granny has drug problem, but fWH's lawyer knows & OW knows exactly why. Granny was smoking pot in her "sewing" room & OC knew Granny smoked funny cigarettes that she makes herself.
AND, if OW/BH are both basically unemployed, OW can probably get CS now (she'd owed him before & he wrote it out of CS papers). Someone said that CS calculation can include unemployment payments, but once fWH's disability kics in...does anybody know if that's considered income that can be used for CS calc?
OC could get free/reduced lunches if OW would fill-out papers. They could probably even get WIC for the toddler's milk & other food items. Basically, until he starts getting unemployment (which may not even be the weekly max since he had 2nd job), OW & her family are screwed.
It's odd though, OW has restaurant manager experience & was making >$70,000 annually before switching jobs a few years ago. Then she got fired. Why not go back-2-work, instead of letting your family lose their house & go without? She makes OC care for toddler most-days (when OC is home) or BH once he gets home from what was his 2nd job....if she doesn't want to be a SAHM, why not go back-2-work? I bet, she'd actually rather that she paid babysitter, so she could sit on her but all day or sleep all day. Even on her days off from work, she used to get her mother to babysit so she could rest. For me, if I had to work most days & didn't see my kids until after they were asleep, I'd jump @opportunity for time w/them.
Well, wish us luck that OW doesn't try & stick-it-to fWH, now that her family is in hard times again.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this is a great group. I don't know your whole story, but it sounds to me like he may still be involved with the OW and at least fence sitting.
Are you currently split up, or still hoping to R? For R to be possible, you need to set boundaries that you are comfortable with and he needs to abide by them. For me and my H, he is not allowed to see OC with me being present, we changed cell phone numbers and we only gave her mine so she has to go through me to speak to H, etc.
You were not wrong to want to be involved. He should be grateful that you are willing to stand by him.
So sick 78...... I am sorry you found yourself here...
If you want to stay in this marriage, it is not wrong for you to be involved if there is going to be contact. I did the same thing that want2 did. We change my H's cell phone and OW had to go thru me for contact. Well to say the least she didn't like that and stopped calling. You deserve better than what you are getting here. I hope thing change for you soon.
I am not surprised about OW, I just hope OC is ok. Take care.
I'm around :) Just kinda lurking on everything :)
I still have OC a ton of the time. FWH meanwhile is busy talking to (cybersexing with) some married friend of his from Highschool. *rolling my eyes* I hope her hubby catches them.. he looks huge form his FB pics LOL IF her Hubby does.. i won't say it wasn't because he was sent an anonymous tip LOL.
I'm busy transitioning my last baby to a 2 yr old preschool program a couple mornings a week it's bittersweet :) Brings up some very very harsh feelings. about OW and OC situation. I only had my tubes tied because FWH didn't want anymore kids. He knew i did though :( I always had my kids about 2 yrs apart. so if i had my way I'd be pregnant again
Well the adoption has been final for almost a full month now and we get a letter from the state OW/OC live in saying H is behind on his CS! The letter included a form asking for a review of the case, so i made copies of the adoption papers and filled out the review form and am sending it in today. I called OW yesterday to tell her about the letter and she said that she had already turned in the paperwork for the adoption. Well when I told her that I was sending in the review request she said that she would go to the CS office right away to find out what was going on I also got an email from her this morning saying that she refiled the papers with CS to close the case and gave me the name of the woman she delt with, I guess I just have to wait now and see what happens I just have to keep reminding myself that the biggest step is done with the adoption already being final, now I don't have to play nice to get what I want I can be as nasty as I want to be!
You are all in my thoughts and prayers
You have to have a plan on how to deal with this. First thing is DNA the first thing after baby is born. Then boundaries need to set concerning contact with OW and OC. It has to be somethingthat you are both committed to, because if not it is going to be more heartache. Since the OC is not born yet, you have some time to really look that this and decided if you can live with this, because only you know what and how much you can handle.
When I first started bring the OC to my house for visitation, everytime I heard them call my H daddy it was like a knife stabbing me n the chest repeatly. It was hard, I would go up into my children's room and cry. But over time I grew to have a whole separate relationship with them, and grew to love them as children. Not saying that will happen for everyone, but it can be done, your h is working with you.
Good luck, it is going to be a hard road no matter how much contact you both decide to have.
AuntCis, girl I knew it was just to easy. Always some lingering issue with these type of things.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:20 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]
It was difficult to meet OC. I wouldn't call her by her given name for years (OW named her 1st name & middle name is for a not-child that fWH had w/xGF that turned out to be another man's - why name OC after that kid I'll never know). I called her Little Miss forever or Sissy. I heard OW call her Sissy once & it sent shivers down my spine.
OC wasn't being cared for properly by OW & her family, so I almost felt relieved when OC was w/us. We'd cure her diaper rashes, skin rashes, & clean the cigarette smell off her. If OW had been picture-perfect mother, it'd been much harder. I think OC bonded much better with me, than with OW because we had her >1/2 the time when she was infant. She called me Mommy before OW.
It got easier over time, but having OW around makes things hard. It was much-much harder after OW/fWH had PA#3 last year. It made it more difficult to deal with OC and any contact w/OW. Read my profile for more info about the havoc she imposed after D-day#3 last year.
I can't really say that I love OC like I do my kids, but she's more like a little sister or cousin that I'm responsible for. I do my very best to take care of her needs & try to buy gifts (Santa gifts & b-day stuff) that are equal in quality & cost to both our DSs.
My mom sometimes isn't very nice to OC. It is a really sore point for fWH, when he sees my mom shoo--ing OC away like a fly. OC doesn't understand & just acts like nothing ever happened...but, I recognize it & fWH does also. All-in-all, I think my mom & brother have done the best they can around OC. I guess, it's hard on them to buy Christmas gifts for OC, knowing that she's not even my child. I think it would have been easier, if OW had let me adopt OC. Then, OC would've been mine 100% & OW out-of-picture. It doesn't help that my family knows fWH had 3x affairs w/OW and that OC was a planned pregnancy. Their affairs (on & off) have spanned 10+ years (we've only been married 15 years & together almost 20 years).
I chose to have OC in our home. I had option of letting fWH see OC @her granny's or maybe @OW's when she moved out of her momma's place when she met BH#2. I just thought, I have a half-brother & I love him and I didn't want to deny my children & OC from knowing each other. AND, I didn't want fWH spending time each week w/OW's family or her @all. Until DNA was positive, fWH went to see OC weekly for ~1-2 hours at her granny's house (but OW wasn't supposed-2-be around). She started visits w/us shortly after DNA came back 99.96% (or maybe better) probability of paternity. I know OC was his once I saw her newborn photo...she looked like DS9's twin (well like his newborn photo 13 months prior). I didn't even need the DNA to know she was fWH's child. fWH got OC's last name changed to his, once the DNA came back and got his name added to the new-name birth certificate.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:51 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]
I 100% agree with this statement.
I love OC like i do my boys. Probably has a lot to do with having her since she was 4 days old too. ialso feel releived that OC is with me (even though FWH and I are sperated). Losing contact with OC would be like losing one of my own children. I am researching my rights in the case of OC right now. Because honestly FWH cannot care for OC by himself and neither can OW. The most stable place she has is here with me.
Dealing with OW is not easy. But she's also made an effort to be fairly easy to work with. didn't mind my coming to the hospital after OC was born. Has never ever said Ohh i don't want you around my child. she's never been a huge pain or anything. I mean a lot of dropping OC off to us with not a lot of notice and did some crazy shit while pregnant like threatening to run off with the baby, but since the baby got here she's been pretty good. We have ALL been good at compromising with one another and always putting the kids mine and OC first.
I made sure and got the affair stuff out of the way before OC got here. We were going to do a paternity test so either way we needed to hash out the affair things. If OC wasn't FWH's then I never wanted to talk to or lay eyes on OW ever again if OC was FWH's well we'd all have to work together nicely.
I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with an unreasonable OW. Or even an OW who is a good mother, or an OW who had another affair with my FWH.
OW never talked to FWH unless she has my permission, she always went through me. She's just been fairly respectful of me. It's been appreciated. I made her a mother's day photo of OC and framed it for her. She got me a card fro mOC for mother's day. It's almost been odd because i expected things to go a lot differantly.
My FWH put OC on his health insurance right after the paternity test came back. We allow OW to claim OC on her taxes each year (although this may change considering how much FWH and I have had OC a lot more than we were ever anticipating).
As for family stuff I have only one living relative other than my children, and that is my mom. She loves OC just like she loves her other grandchildren. She lives next door to us so she is with OC more than ANY of OC's blood grandparents. She's bought more clothes and toys for OC then any of the rest of us (she kinda has a shopping addiction though LOL). FWH"S family has come to accept OC. They don't see any of our childrne that much though. A coupe of times a year. I'm sure OC will never be treated differantly. At least i sure hope not.
My boys are still fairlyt young, but they know that OC has a differant mommy they know her name. They have met her on several occasions. They know that her and dad did something I was not happy with. They know that I LOVE OC. They know she is their sister (in our home there is no halfs or steps).
((HUGS)) I hope things work out the way you want them too.
Wish us luck...tonight is Open House @DS9 & OC8's school. Tonight is our Thurs to have OC, so I'm not sure if OW will attend or not. Last year, open house was in midst of full-force PA#3, so I guess looking back...that's why OW chose not to attend. I guess she didn't want to see me with fWH acting all wifely/affectionate & she was afraid their longing-passionate-loving stares @each other would give-it-away. If OW does go, I certainly PRAY that BH will also go (to keep his HW on her leash).
Need some OC support thread(SI) mojo for tonight!
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:59 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]
There have been too many posts in the other forums as of late about the OC situation and comments have been made by some people who aren't dealing with this situation and have no idea what they are talking about. I feel that continuing to come to SI just keeps ripping open old scabs now that the adoption is final, and I really just need to finally move on.
You have all helped me much more than you can ever really know and all of you will always have a special in my heart. Even though I won't be coming around please know that I will think of you and pray that you are all well
Take care, auntcis
Also, I completely agree with you about OC posts in other forums… and I wonder how other folks here feel about it?
For me, I have found it to be a HUGE deterrent in seeking advice on certain aspects of my situation. I once mentioned something in the “general” forum about my FWH and I being NC with the OC and—given the response I got—you would’ve thought folks wanted to burn me at the stake. Not to mention the whole discussion about an OC being a “deal breaker” a few months ago—so much judgment and venom!!—not just for the WS but also directed at the BS! It sucks enough to suffocate and struggle through the first few weeks and months after d-day, and it sucked even more when I discovered that I was a pariah in my online support community AND that many in the community (who had endured multiple affairs, years of SA, LTAs, etc) thought that MY situation was so doomed to fail.
SI has approximately 25,500 members. From what I have seen, most WS don’t bother with birth control during their affairs. Probability dictates that there are more than a just handful of folks in the OC-situation. I wish there was less shaming and more hope, compassion and support directed to folks in our situation—C or NC.
I wish you well, be blessed..
One sad note:
Last year, OC's writing journal had tons of stories about DH & our family. There were NO stories about us this year (maybe one about our cat), but SO-SO-SO many about OW. Poor thing, it appears that they are so poor that OW is machine-sewing cloth purses for $$$. She could make ~$70,000/year as a restaurant manager (what she did for 10+ years before), but she'd rather let her family struggle than get a REAL job!!!! Sometimes, it just doesn't work financially to be a SAHM...no matter how much you want it to.
AND yes, the forum discussing OC as being dealbreaker, doesn't really understand. But, I always thought any affair would be a dealbreaker...then I thought I probably wouldn't stay after OC...then I thought SURELY I would leave if fWH/OW had another affair (A#3 w/same OW)....hmmmm. I also thought years ago, that'd I'd do a JohnBobbit on fWH for cheating (probably should have, or at least made him have vasectomy!) You just don't know how R & M will turn out, until you're knee-deep in the shit-pile. And, it's still a horrible daily battle we wage to save M, if OC is involved. You just can't sweep the A under the rug & work through the pain...it's an ongoing sweet-sour type of situation. It's even harder if OW is a trouble-maker & makes C w/OC difficult in any way.