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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't get away from OW and I don't even see her. I don't go anywhere I think she will be, which is pretty much everywhere. This is fair season where we live-there is a fair every weekend for the next four weeks and I'm not going to any of them cuz I know she will be there.

My friend said her H saw OW a couple of days ago and she is getting bigger. That sliced right thru me. Someone sees her all the time...she's everywhere.


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((overcoming))))))

We had this same issue. My H comes from out West and the town he lived in was a close knit farming type community. We used to run into OW/OC everywhere we went. That was part of the reason I insisted we move back to my home town 2500 miles away from her.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overcoming:

It will be okay. I used to panic in Wal-mart (or basically any public place). I had seen photos of OW, but never in-person. I was so worried I'd see her pregnant @the store. Basketcase until she gave birth.

But, so was OW. WH said that she saw me & DS12 @store (when he was 3 or 4) & tucked her tail and ran. I didn't even notice her. Unfortunately, WH had taken DS to meet his "friend" (OW) and they'd gone to a Christmas party @her apartment and DS decorated her tree w/her. She had never seen me (or photos of me), but she recognized my son. I am glad that I caused her some distress during her pregnancy ('cause it surely hurt me). I honestly wished all-the-time that she'd miscarry. I know, that's bad, but I couldn't see what good would come of OC being born. My sons have had to do without a new home (we live in a 14-year-old double-wide mobile home that we bought as newlyweds) & other things because of OC. WH had paid around $35,000 by the time CS was calculated (discovered OW actually owed WH CS - so he had it written out of paperwork). Right there was DS12 & DS9's college fund. I have anger issues about OC sometimes still. So many times I had to neglect DSs to care for ill or crying OC. So much PTO given up to take OC to some appointment or pick her up sick or something (even while WH/OW were spending their PTO on A#3 motel time, I was still doing things for OC that they should have left work for). I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling that my sons have had to deal w/OC issues etc, when they NEVER should have. DS12 & DS9 should have had their mommy 100%, instead of having to share with another child that I didn't not conceive or even plan. Even on the day WH broke up w/OW (A#3), DS9's school had a parent/teacher conference about him. WH said he couldn't go (thought he was 4-wheeling with the boys while on PTO). WH was breaking up w/her, kissing her, listening to her cry...while I was taking care of DS's school issues about ADHD.

AND, midway through A#3, I had to register OC for school!!!! OW couldn't leave work because of an audit. I was doing things for OC (wasting hours of my PTO), while OW was banging my husband that month (GOD knows how often @motel). SHE should have registered OC for school...but, oh wait, her PTO was being saved for time w/MY husband. I just resent doing things for OC that OW or WH should have done (should do). Isn't my time as important as theirs?

Gosh, I'd have loved to have back those hours I spent rocking/singing to/holding OC....while OW slept peacefully @her apartment w/stbH. Wouldn't it have been nice to have back Christmas Eve the year that all five of us got hit w/rotovirus. Yea, I was barfing & shitting all over myself, taking care of barfing/shitting OC, DS12, DS9 (shouldn't my health & DSx2's health have come first). The year we got hit w/flu, shouldn't I have been taking care of DS12, myself, & my husband? I had to care for OC while I had the flu (DS9 had just gotten over flu & double ear infection including ER visit for dehydration). How come I had to care for OC when OW had a lung infection????? as I never get a sick day....

Sorry for the tiny rant....sometimes it all just HITS me, that this could have been easily avoided...stupid WH! He said the other day, I wasn't thinking about the consequences when I was trying to get OW pregnant. "I just knew OC would make OW happy and I wanted to make OW happy." Now, look at OC, her momma has barely done anything 4 her during her whole life. OC has been more of a burden to OW than a joy, from what I can guess. (side note: OC is very lucky to have us as a 2nd family that actually gives a DAMN about her)

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:14 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H got paid yesterday, no CS was taken out!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YEA!!!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is great Auntics

I only wish for CS support to stop on our end one day!!!

Yesterday I found out that my Step-son had mentioned to OW that he was upset, because his x-wife, can not afford to bring our granddaughter back to him, which is a 24 hr. turn around time, and that he could not afford to get her back home. FWH and I refuse to help him in any financial matter, as that is the only reason he calls anymore, and has been this way for along time. So OW suggested to him that she would drive and get her and take her to him. WTF.. I do not want her anywhere near my grandchildren. I spoke to FWH about this, and he says he can not do anything about the situation, as he has already cut his sister and parents out of his life, because of the personal involvement with OW, and hurting our R. He thinks that if he were to say anything to OW, that she would see this as a way to keep havic in our M. So he sees no point in doing anything about OW and her trying to get more involved in our family.

FWH even cried to me about how his parents would rather loose there son, then quit their contact with OW. And hold out there anger towards me, than have their own son's love.

We had a great talk about all this, and there really is nothing either of us can do to change the situation. These people are grown adults, and we can not make them do anything. We just have to focus on our own healing, and I have to learn to not let OW take up so much space in my thoughts.

I also need to watch how I present things to my FWH in regards to OW, and not come across as he did something, when he has no control over a situation. I guess I made him feel like if he did not have the A, none of this would be happening. Which is true, but I can not keep throwing a knife in him, with my discussions. I have to choose my words more carefully, and watch the tone I use. I will work on that. I just get upset at what OW is always trying to get involved in.

I am learning, and we are healing. Slowely, but it is happening


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These people are grown adults, and we can not make them do anything. We just have to focus on our own healing

(((dreamer)))))

This was something that was very hard for us to accept during our R. I mean how can people throw away a relationship with thier son and 3 grandchildren in exchange for a relationship with a woman they say they don't like? But we finally got to the point where we said to hell with them and what they do and as long as my H our COM and I are alright that's all that matters.

I also need to watch how I present things to my FWH in regards to OW, and not come across as he did something, when he has no control over a situation. I guess I made him feel like if he did not have the A, none of this would be happening. Which is true, but I can not keep throwing a knife in him, with my discussions. I have to choose my words more carefully, and watch the tone I use

This was EXTREMELY hard for me. For the longest time I was just so angry that I WANTED to hurt his feelings! But I realized it wasn't going to help R at all and needed to stop. Once I stopped slashing at H with my sharp tongue R started to go more smoothly

I'm so proud of you, you have come so far


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you,

It is nice to know that I am not alone, and others have experienced the same thing.

I really do not know what I would have done, if I did not have this forum, or even SI for that matter.

Yes we have come a looonnnggg way, but still have sooommeee ways to go. LOL. I know it won't be over for awhile, at least not tell all the court stuff is straightened out.

Thanks again, it was nice to hear someone has experienced the same thing, and understands. I now don't feel like it is just me, being stupid, and petty.

It just really kills me that MIL and FIL were like my very own parents, especially after the passing of my natural parents 20 years ago. MIL & I were unseperable, we did alot together. Just 4 years ago I planned, and put a 50th wedding anniversary party for them, even with a expensive trip as a gift. And did the decorations, made a video of their 50 years together took me 6 months to put it together. Now I am treated like I have done something wrong. Just not right.. But now I feel no matter how many appologies I get, I can never R with them. The damage is beyond repair. FOR ME.. It is sad

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend...

Thank you so much for the support and listening.. You will never know how much you all mean to me..

Be well, best wishes, and many prayers to all.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
stepqueen
♀ New Member
Member # 24897
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,
I've been reading most of the posts and I'm hoping that I can get some advice.

It's been 3 weeks since I found out that the WS had a one time affair which resulted in a child. We are going to try and make things work but I'm not sure where this is going to end.

It's been a absolute roller coaster ride but the crying and anger has subsided.

For those of you that have been here, how do you handle the OC? Are you able to be part of their life should you and your WS decide to make a go of it? How do you tell your family and friends that this has happened?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Could this be a nightmare.....

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2009
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dreamer1)), I am so sorry about the relationship with your inlaws. Unfortunately sometimes blood is thicker than water and when you thought you were blood, you find out real soon that when something goes down, you technically are not. It is your inlaws loss that they are treating you this way. The strength that you are showing in this situation should make you porud of yourself and while it is sad, you don't need them.
Keep your head up we are here for you.


((stepqueen)),

Welcome to our group. You will find much support and understanding here. I am so sorry that you are going thru this and believe me when I say everyone here knows how your feel.

The first thing, do you have proof positive that the OC is your h's? It is very important that you have a legal DNA test. I read your profile, I think the OC is about 1-2 yrs. old? The main thing is if you are trying to R, working on your marriage if first priority. My suggestion is to go back to page 5 or 6 and read the OC handbook that I reposted from another member. There are some very good suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I do suggest that if you can afford it that you look into IC/MC to discuss what issues that you both are dealing with. You will have your ups and downs, but if your H is remorseful and willing to work on your relationship, put boundaries up concerning the OW/OC, this is can work.

Feel free to PM me if you need additional support or have any questions. Good luck to you.

ETA: I just read your other posts and I see that the DNA is confirmed and that you are not seeking counseling right now. How far away does the OW/OC live from you? Does your H want contact?

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:50 AM, July 27th (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AuntCis

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:52 AM, July 27th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H wants to come back home. he's been crying all weekend... Gave him a set of rules and told him when I see him living by those rules then I will think about it... H started going back to IC Friday maybe he will learn something about himself.... I love him but I love myself so much more..... Will keep everyone updated on the situration.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((lynne)))))

This is such a hard situation. We love our H's , but we have to do what is right for us. I hope your H can make some changes, but please remember to be strong and do what is right for you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I'm falling apart 2day.

fWH initiated a conversation about affairs & other stuff around 1am this morning & we talked until almost 4am, then I had to get up for work @5am. After shower, I had more questions. It led to heated discussion. Basically, WH wasn't getting what he needed from me all 3 times he had affairs w/OW.

Now, antiversary of D-day#3 is fast approaching & some mini-antiversaries (suspicions confirmed about things last year) are cropping up Jul/Aug.

I am in a panic about pickups/dropoffs starting daily again (not just Fri/Monday) once school starts & OC has bb-games starting in probably Sept/Oct timeframe. I am so scared of having to see OW again sitting near me. I just don't think I'm strong enough to go to the games for OC, if OW is going to be harassing me again. I've lost a lot of weight, but OC says her momma has also. What if WH is drooling over OW @games or something? How can I do this? I want to support OC & be there w/WH, but HOW will I survive this fall?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((repeat)))))

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. But you are a STRONG woman and you WILL make it through this too.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically, WH wasn't getting what he needed from me all 3 times he had affairs w/OW.

Honestly, this bothers me the most. He is still blaming you for his lack of self-control and morals.

As for the games and such, hold you head up high knowing that you aren't the one that strayed, nor did you interfere in someone else's marriage. Fake it until you make it. Don't give her the satisfaction.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stepqueen,

I'm still fresh in this. I was calm and peaceful at first as well and then reality hit and I became ANGRY. As each day passes I become angier and angier!!! My counselor says I'm trying to change the FACTS! Well, my opinion is these shouldn't be FACTS to begin with!

Its going to be very difficult, but there are lots of us here and we will do everything we can to help.

HUGS


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Frustrated  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I feel a little better today. We've had OW interfering in our lives for 10 (almost 11) years. On top of dealing w/OC issues, A#3 and revelations about A#1/A#2 really are killing me. I'm worried that D may be the only option in our M now. I really love fWH, but the baggage from As & other marital issues is weighing us down. I told fWH that he doesn't have to try to R so hard, because he always knows mOW is out there in the wings, waiting on our M to fail or WH to "need a fix." I told him that I don't have anyone waiting on me, I never wanted anyone but him. I told him it wasn't fair...that made him think I'm going out to find an OM....yea right, like I want that kinda hastle in my life. I don't think I could ever love OM (or SO) like I do WH. Even if we D, I would pine away for WH. We have been together almost 20 years & I just don't have enough strength if I'd have to start over. GOD, how I wish he never loved OW & chose to give her OC.

We are finally planning MC (part of what WH agreed to last year for me to even consider R#3). Stupid insurance. They said they'd only pay for MC, if it was being used to diagnose a mental disorder for a covered person. WTF! Basically, one of us has to be going bonkers & then the other can sit-in on IC (making it MC). Think I'll call a MC & see if they can accept ins. anyway. Maybe they have a way of fudging the billing to make BCBS pay.

I think they'll only pay for IC to diagnose mental disorders also...where would u go after you're diagnosed that ins would actually pay for? It was so much easier w/ins. in 2001 (when I had to seek IC for depression before OC was born).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with this:

Honestly, this bothers me the most. He is still blaming you for his lack of self-control and morals.

As for the games and such, hold you head up high knowing that you aren't the one that strayed, nor did you interfere in someone else's marriage. Fake it until you make it. Don't give her the satisfaction.



me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update on me/us...

FWH did something I cannot forgive him for and it wasn't even affair related, how fucked up is that LOL.

SO we're parting ways but it might take a while to become completely seperate. We're dealing with what to do with OC. OW wants her with me most of the time with FWH not even having much visitation. Still wants me to do daycare for her and everything. I don't how the hell that is gonna work. FWH, OW and I all need to sit down and talk.. how cozy... NOT!!!!! Shit my life is fucked up right now.
Lets not even add in the fact one of my children is in a mental institution and OC is teething harder than i've ever seen a baby teeth.. Dear GAWD LOL


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
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