Looks like it has been a rough few days for some of us. You are all in my prayers.
OW just called, crying. She asked if I could pick up Sissy (OC). She said her brother just committed suicide out-of-state & as soon as she goes & tells her younger sister about the death, she needs to bring OC to me so they can leave to head up there.
I only have one brother & I am actually sad for OW today (he was her only brother). I am also worried about how OC will be feeling, even though she didn't know her uncle very much (he lived w/them for a while when she was toddler though).
OC hasn't really had anyone die in her family that she was close to. I'm not sure how to comfort her.
Seriously though it's been a little over 3 months now and all i see is a little baby girl. :)
I am grateful that OC look just like my FWH, they resemble my grandson so much, at his their age. I guess I count that blessing. FWH is much more attractive than OW will ever be. Even on the inside.
in regard to FWH wedding ring, we have sized that thing so many times in the last three years, but he works in 120 degree weather, and his fingers swell sooo bad in that heat, there is nothing we can do. I have thought about getting a tatoo around were he wears his band, but don't think he will go for that, as we are not tatoo people. But it is a thought. It was funny on 4th of July we went down and watched fireworks and I saw first hand how bad they swelled up, and suggested he give it to me, so his finger would not hurt, he said no, It is not ever coming off, no matter how bad it hurts me. Good response on his part, but I just can not watch him 24/7. I just have to try to trust him, now. With that.
I agree no wedding for awhile, but it was awesome to hear...
He is not the same person he was during the A. Before he was a cocky man who loved to flirt to boost his ego, but now he is the kindest, most loving man I know. He doesn't even look at OW - I know cuz I watch him when we are out and about when he can't see me. He has become the H I always wanted and dreamed of and I didn't even have to do anything, he changed all on his own.
If you think your XH seems sincere then I would give him a chance, at this point what do you have to lose? Your already divorced so if he turns out to be the same person, then you can walk away and know for sure and not have the "What if...."
Even with all this pain, I'm absolutly 100 % glad I decided to stay and work on our marriage. I would marry him again. In our case our marriage is better then ever and our extended family is much closer. There are many good things that have come out of this horrible situation.
I would say go with your heart......
Sorry that you find yourself here. Like you my H and I don’t have kids. We had been trying for 1½ years until d-day on 4/09. For the 1.5 years that we were trying to get pregnant (or I should say I was trying to get pregnant) we came to learn that my H has very few “good” sperms so we were about to initiate IVF when I found out about the A and the OC. The fact that my infertile H got this woman pregnant by accident behind my back in 5 rendezvous (a woman that he didn’t even care about) while I was trying so desperately to get pregnant month after month after month has been absolutely devastating—I do not believe in God, but the injustice of this whole thing makes me wonder if there isn’t some agenda at work in the universe.
So why did I choose to try to reconcile? After the first few weeks of excruciating pain passed… I tried to take a step back and assess the pros and cons of staying with him.
• I love him and he loves me. He never loved or cared for the OW—I think that this has made it easier
• He was remorseful, apologetic and empathetic – with frequency (he could do more on the empathy front).
• He took immediate steps to begin the process of reconciliation: full disclosure, agreed to MC (which he had been skeptical of in the past), began IC (I never thought I would see it happen), he stopped “partying” and began running (doing a marathon in a couple weeks), read affair books, took a stab at meditating, gave me access to his accounts, reads SI from time to time, and we joined finances (he’d always been weird about joint finances in the past). Basically, I was able to see immediately that he was willing and motivated to expand his view of the world and himself. He has a LONG way to go and a lot of work ahead of him but this seemed like a good sign.
• He ended the A on his own – he lifted his own fog – I felt like this was a good sign
• He is NC with OW and OC – this was his choice but I am not sure I could R if he was in C with OC.
• At 36, I feel like if I headed back to the dating pool – it would take me a long time to find another person that I could love like I love him, and by the time I did it might be too late for me to have kids.
• Even if I did find someone else, given how rampant infidelity is, there is a good chance that I could find myself in the same position with someone else.
• The consequences of my H’s affair are so severe – my pain, OC, CS for the next 18 years—I honestly don’t think that he will cheat again. This experience has been a defining moment in his life.
• My situation sucks – but a lot of people’s situations sucks – people live complicated, messy lives – I now accept that life is imperfect, the world is imperfect and safety is an illusion – but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.
• I am strong enough to get through this. This is THE thing that I will have to get through in my life—I am not a quitter and if I quit now I would regret it. And quitting wouldn’t make this any less painful.
• I believe in “for better and for worse (and WORST)” – life is great but life is tough, love is great but love is tough.
• If we get through this, we will be able to get through anything
• He did it once he could do it again.
• Sometimes I doubt he can do all the work
• Starting a family with him feels like it is tainted
• Financially, it KILLS me that we pay the OW every month for the next 18 years. And I am SURE that we will never see the end of the OW and that she will try to get more money out of us.
• The OC WILL find him one day – and that is going to be ugly for everyone, future kids included
• Living this lie for the rest of my life.
I often wonder what R'ing would be like with no OC involved. Though I don't want to minimize the pain that non-OC A inflict, I have to admit - I think it would be a whole lot easier to get over.
Got an email from OW saying her lawyer received the last bit of paperwork H had to sign and has submitted it to the courts and everything looks good
Hurry up August 13th!!!!!!!
Does time really heal the pain? Does it subside?
My family and friends are still not convinced that OW is pregnant with my H's child because she is just now starting to get a belly. They say "okay, maybe she is pregnant but doesn't mean it's H's." This irriates me a little cuz that doesn't help me deal with the OC. All that does is give me false hope that there is a possibility I won't have to deal with this the rest of my life.
They think that she probably lost the baby that's supposed to be my H's (she kept bleeding off and on until the 4th month) and hurried up and got pregnant again to someone else. With her reputation that could be true, but that would be a miracle. I need to deal with this as it is my H's so I can prepare myself (I'm sure once the OC is here it will still take the wind out of my sail and I won't be prepared as far as my feelings go). I feel tortured by the constant possibility that it's not my H's. The DNA test will tell, but I feel that it's my H's. They only had unprotected sex once and that was the last time they were ever together. But what I don't understand is OW went around telling other people that she was pregnant in Jan. and according to her due date she would have only been about 5 days and there is NO way she could know she was pregnant then. So I don't know if she was just going around saying that hoping she would be pregnant that month or what.
There are SO many things that don't add up and make sense in this situtaion.
Ugh....everyday is a different feeling, I think I'm going to be okay and then the next day I'm falling apart again.
As much as it sucks right now, it is just a waiting game. For now, concentrate on your marriage and healing as best as you can. Don't focus on whether or not the baby is your H's, but just assume that it is. As soon as he/she is born, you can do a DNA and go from there.
In my situation, the baby was 6 weeks old when I found out, so I didn't have to wait it out. We finally did a DNA test a few months later to confirm what we were pretty certain of.
We are mostly NC with the OC and OW, but it has gotten so much easier for me. I do have my occaisional triggers and bad days, but we are doing well for the most part. OW friend requested me on FB a couple of weeks ago and in an IM asked if we could hang out sometime. No thanks, I don't want to give her easy access to my friends and family on FB, and the thought of being real life friends with her is absurd.
This is great news !!!
It is about time she gets the shaft on something..
Great to hear things are going along good for you now.
Overcoming: Sorry about your situation, I was there and it is not easy, I know.. But everyone is right, really focus on your marriage while you can, before everything gets turned upside down for awhile if the OC is his.
I was told that OW was not showing, like I had expected her to either, can not really go by that. Just be sure that your FWH is still not going over and having contact, because he feels obligated to know what is happening, he really needs to set boundaries as far as OW is concerned. My FWH felt that he needed to be kept up to date inregards to the pregnancy, and we were not even sure OC was his yet. It put our R in jeopardy quit a few times, then after OC came he wanted to try to build a bond with OC, so he was seeing them behind my back, because OW did not want me around (go figure).
Wishing you luck, and just stay focused on what you can control right now, that's your marriage.
She is going to be so pissed!!!
Try not to laugh too hard when she contacts you and your H to complain.
Try not to laugh too hard when she contacts you and your H to complain
I'll try not to
I'm just hoping she waits until 6pm @park for me to dropoff OC. WH said if she called & asked for OC sooner, he'd ask if BH could bring her. BH brought her last week, but he wouldn't even look @WH. That was 1st time since their D-day, that WH & BH had been around each other. WH appears to be really trying to remain NC w/OW. She called multiple times & even asked to speak w/WH once when she was calling OC this past week. He actually made OC give me the phone on Saturday after she spoke w/OC. Funny, she hasn't called back.
On day her brother committed suicide, she called WH's cell first off (not even the house even though WH is laid off & home w/boys). She was supposed to call me for contact, but WH was at dental & OW had to call me anyway. I think she actually called WH's cell in an attempt for emotional support/consoling. It was fortunate that his cell was on vibrate during dental appt & he didn't call her once he got out. I had already texted to say what was going on & he read it before even looking @missed calls.
Keep your fingers crossed...maybe WH is out-of-fog finallly after 10 years?
OC seems okay about her uncle's death. I am sure she will be somewhat more emotional once she's around her other family & they are understandably still upset.
I am wondering, OW is wanting another child w/BH (God knows why, she never took much care of the 2 she already has)...I bet she will have that boy she wants & name it after her brother.
OC hinted the other day that OW still doesn't sleep in same bed much w/BH. She said OW sleeps all day (OC8 frequently cooks TV dinners for her & toddler sister) and stays up doing laundry & housework all night. She said toddler goes 2 bed w/BH when he gets ready 4 bed. I still think OW is pining for WH. I'm almost positive she is...she never quit before, why would she give up now?
Won't it be nice when OC are old enough to drive or 18 and OW have no logical reason to be in-picture anymore?
I'm so sad for OW Poor thing is losing her CS from your WH. I was just heartbroken when CS calculations turned out that OW owed WH so he got to quit paying! That extra $$$ in our account really helped out when WH got laid off.
Went with FWH to pick up & drop off. We met OW at a gas station between her home and ours. We parked off to the side, OW pulled up behind my car, FWH got out go the kids out of her car, and brought one to me , I buckeled him in, and went around to other side and buckeled other. Before I even new it OW was off and gone, same thing with drop off. I just stared out the back of the car, while he was getting in out of her car with the children intact. Not much communication at all.
Now yesterday they had their other mediation, and OW would not agree to over night stays, wants to keep things the way they are for 10 more weeks, says OC don't do good with over nights, and she does not feel that they can do them. WTF. So now I get to do this drop & pick up stuff for 10 more weeks, with FWH. He works in the city she lives, and it would be easier and cheaper if he could pick them up after work on friday, and drop off mon. morning, and she would never get the opportunity to see me. LOL On our sundays, we do 4 hrs of driving time just picking up and drop offs. And the Gas OMG.. But we are trying to get the money all together for the retainer of the attorney.. I just want this all over with and set in stone through courts.
FWH even took pictures of me with the OC, first time.. I am the one that usually takes all pictures, so I am never in any.
Just an update.. to let you all know how my weekend went, and the mediation. I just don't get why she wants another 10 weeks, we have been doing this for 8 weeks already.
For us, after DNA, OC came home for a few hours the next weekend. She cried & cried. WH hadn't been around her enough to help her quit. OW's mother (Granny) had been providing care for OC & she was most familiar w/her. She stunk like cigarettes, it was horrible odor. I had to sing to OC & bob/weave to get her to sleep for a nap (she got really cranky). Before she got tired, she didn't seem too upset by her visit. I think she liked meeting her brothers (4-years & 1-year).
The next week, we went & bought a Port-a-bed (fold away) and put it right beside our bed. Both DS still slept w/us in our full bed, so it was just one big family bedroom. She seemed pretty okay w/everything...but, youngest DS was only one & couldn't understand why he couldn't sit w/momma or daddy while feeding OC. DS kept stealing her pacifier.
OC was only about 1 month old when she started staying w/us. If DNA had come sooner, she'd have been home for weekends sooner.
Okay, do this for a while...U have no legal choice. But, once you have retainer w/lawyer & start the papers for visitation/CS, go ahead & request whatever pickup/dropoff you want. It can keep going to mediation forever, but a judge would most likely agree for overnights so both parents could form a better bond w/twins.
I am glad OW behaved during dropoffs/pickups.
We had 45 min drive to get OC @ babysitters. I was so happy when OC started going to daycare...much closer to our work/home. Wish WH had done dropoffs @daycare though, instead of w/THEM on Sundays.
I think neutral local (with you included) is the best choice so contact is minimal between WH/OW. That one CAN bite you, if you don't stick to something like that (note: my WH/OW had A#3 after OC was 7years old)
Good luck hon :)
ETA: To add
My H just called me and told me his CS worker called. She says the state where OW lives was supposed to stop CS as soon as my H rights were terminated, which was back in May! She said it would be a fight but we could try and get the money back. I don't think it is worth it at this point, I just want it over KWIM. So she sent a letter to my H employer to stop CS, but it won't get there til next week most likely, so we will have to pay 1 more week Caseworker also said she sent a letter to OW's state reading them the riot act for being asleep at the wheel and not stopping the support as soon as H rights were terminated and adoption paperwork was started.
[This message edited by auntcis at 12:33 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]