Sunday night I lost it on my FWH for no reason, I just got angry about the OW & OC and started asking questions, which he answered. I felt much better yesterday after my blow up. I think I finally might be getting better!!
Plus she hasn't contacted us in three weeks and that really helps. She might show up at this work tonight, that is how she has been contacting him lately, but hopefully not. I think she might have actually given up. No, I think that's too good to be true, at least at this point. I'm sure once the custody battle starts, her claws will come at us full force.
I divorced my WS as soon as I found out about the OC. However, I am having a VERY hard time cutting contact and I am not sure if I am completely sure of losing him forever. I am starting to consider things I have never considered before.
What first made me stay was I didn't want the OW to "win", she got pregnant on purpose cause she wanted my life and I wasn't going to let her have it. Then I also didn't want my COM to have to be without thier father, cause aside from the hurt and pain he caused me he has always been an excellent father to our kids. But the biggest reason was at the end of the day I still loved him and didn't want to be without him. Had he not worked together with me in the OC situation and had he insisted on having contact with OW/OC I'm not sure what would have happened with us. Maybe it would have worked, maybe not. But we are and have been NC and the OC is a month away from being adopted by OW new husband. Has your H shown an intrest in wanting to be with you ? Is he in contact with OW/OC? And is this something that you can deal with? Is he willing to work on setting boundries with OW concerning OC? These are all thing's that have to be taken into consideration before you can decide if you want to get back with your H. Hope this is the kind of info you were looking for. Post any time, it can be a little slow around here sometimes but someone will get back to you eventually. PM me if you want to
We don't have children together, so that was my driving force to actually divorce him. I felt that I would never be able to give him his first child and that she would always use that to her advantage. My love has not faltered or diminished. No one around me seems to understand that.
He continues to ask for us to work on things. It is hard to say no each and every time. He absolutely said that he would allow me to call the shots when it came to the OW/OC. He would rather pay child support and allow her to raise the OC. In a sense, that bothers me too. I would prefer for her to put the child up for adoption so he and I could truly see if we could ever work again. She would rather keep a tie to him, which again, scares me.
I want to believe everything he has to say, but let's be honest, he put us in this situation to begin with. I have continued to try to start a new life, but with very little luck. It all comes back to him. If the OC didn't exsist, I believe that we would be in R.
If the OC didn't exsist, I believe that we would be in R.
You can be in R even with the OC in existence, it really can be done. I won't deny that the OC in our situation being adopted by OW H doesn't make our life easier, but even if it weren't happening we would still be in R. OC is 12 years old so this has been going on for a long time for us, and there are rough moments, but it isn't impossible. Especially since your H seems to be on the same page as far as letting you call the shots when it comes to OC. OW using OC as a tie to your H won't work if he doesn't let it. My H hasn't spoken to OW in 11 years, any dealings that HAD to be dealt with concerning OC have always gone through me, which is rough but better than OW talking to my H in my book. And it used to bother me that I wasn't the only woman to be able to say that I gave him his children, but time does make that better. If you and your H are still in love and he is willing to do what it takes to R it can be done, and you can't let other peoples opinions affect what you do, you need to do what is right for you.
[This message edited by auntcis at 4:48 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]
R with OC invovled is soooo not easy. But it is doable. We're doing well so far.
It would have been impossible though if FWH had tried to call the shots in ANY way.
We had R after OC. I had been told some lies about OC's conception & WH's involvement. For the most part, we'd been R for a long time after OC's birth.
If WH had gone NC w/OW, I think M would have been somewhat better (nothing's perfect). If OW hadn't been out there hovering, waiting, plotting, thinking there was still a chance w/WH, I believe M could have blossomed. OW has been the papercut that never goes away & a third wheel for so long.
I belive, that if I'd have set boundaries & conditions about R#2, WH would have either left me & DS12/DS9, or he would have quit being "just friends" with OW.
I don't think R#3 will work, if we don't seek MC soon. I think he's still somewhat foggy about OW & has rewritten our M to make me out to be someone I'm not.
Having OC around so much & having her look like her momma, makes things very difficult sometimes. Even my best friend said that she didn't see how I managed to stay, because our recent family photos (including OC) shows that OC is spitting-image of OW. It's like having a mini-OW right in my home 50% of the week. It doesn't help that OC is growing so fast & is almost as tall as me @8years (I'm only 5ft2in). She's even wearing girls 14/16 clothes. Couldn't she look like our niece or something instead! Come on, don't I get a break? Maybe she'll dye her hair another color as a teen, then not look like her momma or something.
((Lynne)), so proud of you for sticking to your guns and standing up for yourself, I know it's hard, btu everyday that you get some power back over your life, it gets easier and easier. ((Overcoming)), good for you taking back something. I used to get knots in my stomach everytime we got near the OW's house, so I know what you were going thru. That is a major breakthru for you believe it or not. And you are going to have bouts of anger, I went thru that for almost 2 years, as long as your H is understanding and you talk it thru, you can get thru it. But don't let OW silence fool you, I call it the quiet before the storm, stay on your toes.
((Holdingon)), welcome to our forum. For me my situation was a little different due to the fact that the OC were grown before I found out about them. My choice to stay is that my H was remorseful and we had years invested in our family. At first I will admit that I did not want OW to win, but later it was not about her, it was about rebuilding my family. Is R difficult with OC involved? YES, but if you both are committed to rebuilding your relationship, it can be done.
Hugs to you all!
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:22 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)]
OC was conceived during repeat affair w/OW. I was lied to about A#2 & thought that WH was tricked into getting OW pregnant. If I'd have known that WH was TRYING to get OW pregnant, I don't think I could have stayed.
I found out about OC before her birth, but WH had led me to believe there was only a ONS (he'd slipped up & gone to see OW after long NC and she seduced him). That wasn't true & I didn't know that OC was planned on both parties & that A#2 was a multiple-month/many motel visits thing. Since, I thought OC was accident on WH's part & he also led me to believe that OW had been dating others, so OC might not be his. He was really wonderful husband once R started & IC during OW's final pregnancy month helped. I went w/WH to DNA testing (OW wasn't there & she & OC went later in week). I just kept thinking "OW is slut, it won't be WH's child."
I stayed after A#1 because I loved WH & really wanted to make things work. We only had 1 child then (DS12 had just turned 2), but we'd been together for almost 10 years.
I stayed after A#2 (impending OC's birth) because of my children & the hope that OC wasn't my husband's...It was about 7 months after R had started, that I found out OC was WH's (DNA results). We had rekindled our romance & I wasn't sure what to do. I knew it'd be hard to raise a 4-year-old & 1-year-old alone. WH was my first & only love and it's difficult to give him up. WH wouldn't go NC w/OC, he wanted to be her father. My decision to allow OC into our home was very difficult, but I knew that visitation alone w/OW (or OW's relatives) was completely out-of-question. We could never R, if WH had to be alone w/OW weekly for 1+ hours. I would have had to D him.
I stayed after A#3 because he begged, cried, etc. He's never behaved that way toward me (like I meant the world to him). A sermon @church the weekend of D-day#3 also made me consider R#3. I still struggle daily w/my decision to stay. We're going to start MC & I'm not sure if I'll ever be 100% that I want to stay. I am strong enough to leave him now if R#3 isn't successful, but I will always love him (I think OW will always love him too).
I've decided that we can't R. Since we weren't married, and have no COM, I've decided I cannot live my life with him AND OW. If it were just OC...OC just magically appeared out of nowhere, I would try R. But I have seen HOW INSANE OW is, and I refuse to spend the rest of my life with her in the equation. I know she wanted him, she would never let us live in peace, she is so beyond jealous of me.
I understand having trouble with starting a new life. None of my friends understand what I am going through, and it's very lonely. You are not alone here, OK!
I have struggled with this for so long, OW does not want my FWH, she just plain wants to be me, so much so that she is trying to mimick me. She wants to be me, she wants what I have, she wants to dress like me, it is pathetic. But she will never be me, because I have a heart and a soul, that she will never have.
Well girls, I am back.
Little update, well as little as possible. Since I have left here I have been very stern that it is over, and at that point there was nothing he could do to change it.
I voiced my feelings to on my blog, and SIL forward them to FIL, boy did I really start some major drama, but you know I was standing up for what I believed in, and it felt pretty damn good.
Well FWH, came home, and announced that he would do what ever I want, and he had been doing some serious soul searching, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me in it, he then called OW in front of me on his own. Told her that from now on that when he sees OC I will be with him, and that they are only friends cause they have OC together, and nothing more, that I do not deserve to be treated the way I am by family or anyone else, I had not done anything wrong. Boy was she screaming and yelling, but then he just hung up.
Then he had it out with his family, told them to stay out of his personal affairs, and life, Told his DS, that she was not even invited to his funeral when he dies, it is only for friends and family, which she is neither, and also told his parents he wants nothing to do with them, if they are going to treat me like this after everything I have done for that family.
I found out through all this drama, that MIL asked OW if she could make a list of family to invite to OW B-day party for OC, MIL wanted to introduce them to family, FWH said that if they were to be introduced to the family it should be done with me along his side, and not without me. FWH was angry when he heard about this list. as he should be.
Then FWH asked me to marry him, again. I said no not tell I see more action, and see how things play out. He wants to plan it for middle of August. Way to soon for me.
So needless to say I am back, for now, and just waiting to see how things go. FWH also said he wants IC, and wants me to go, to see that he is actually going. WOW, just WOW. This is all a surprise turn around I did not expect. But still very cautious of actions and words. But my FWH is mexican decent and to turn your back on family is like WOW. He is supporting me, and that is the way it should be.
Well this Sunday I go with FWH to pick OC up from OW, this will be a real challenge, and kind of scared, I know I did nothing wrong, but this is scarey. I have only seen her in the court house, but like this, touching children, or not, this is gona feel awkward. Do I help load them in my car, do I just sit there, Do I get out and grab one from her, do I let FWH do it all. I just not sure what I should do.
Well I am very glad to be back on this forum, and not down in D/S. But I know this may not be permanent, but at least for now, I can rest a bit, and eat again.
I wish you the best. Post if you need anything or support.
I'd recommend neutral transfer location (public park or McDonald's parking lot). That's BullSH*T that WH or even you have to go near her home. I feel really uncomfortable if I have to pickup OC @OW's house. We used to use McDonald's (closer 2 her house), but now use local park that is 1/2-way between 2 houses.
Hmmm. If you're comfortable with it, have WH walk w/you to OW's vehicle (holding ur hand) and have him hand you OC. You won't be leaning into OW's vehicle & will look like unified front. If you're gonna cry or something...stay in your vehicle. Don't let OW see you CRY! Well, that's what WH tells me when I have to go to bbgames for OC & OW is there sitting near (harassing me).
I believe it will be at a parking lot, cause that is always were he would pick up and drop off, and I dont think OW wants me to know where she lives, even though I do. She don't know it though.
I do like your suggestion, of him holding my hand and handing one child to me, and then him go around to the other side and get the other. I will never let OW see me cry, I want to make her cry, LOL. And the only way I see to do that and it not be intentional, is for me to be happy, and pleased with myself, I DID NO WRONG.. So she can eat shit.
Thanks for the suggestion, I believe the hand holding thing, will get to her the most. And make me feel sooo secure.
Yeah, I told FWH, the other nite, that I know he emptied those balls out with OW, now he needs to fill them up, and use them against her. LOL and he did.
OW was out of her vehicle on Friday when I picked up OC.
She has verbal agreement w/WH that she will stay in vehicle (instead of leaning into mine) during PU of OC. I listened to whole conversation & she clearly agreed to stay in-vehicle.
I have lost 32 lbs (from 205 lbs to 173) & am quite proud of it. A few weeks ago, OC said her momma is losing weight also.
Well, I triggered badly Friday, when OW, OC, & toddler were walking across park toward my vehicle. They'd gone 2 PU location about 1 hour early so kiddies could play @park (nice sunny day). Now, OC got straight into my minvan & OW didn't come near it, BUT the fact that I had to see her face-2-face hasn't come up in months. She has tinted windows on her Ford Taurus & I don't have to see her (only her outline) usually.
OW has lost about 50 lbs. (down from about 250 to 200 lbs), had on tanktop, capri pants, those awful black velcro slippers that swimmers & UFC-ers/MMA fighters wear, and had her toenails painted black (WTF, where'd that come from). She looked happy, smiling etc....holding the girls' hands. I just HATE to see OW smiling. She's supposed to live a miserable, tortured life, isn't she.
I just thought I'd update a bit...I triggered hard.
As far as picking up the OC, I agree a netural place would be best at least until you feel comfortable with this. You and your H should discuss how you are going to handle this. For me, I got out of the car with my H, and I allowed OW to put the twins in their car seats and sometimes helped if needed and put there bags in the trunk. At no time did I allow my H and her to speak privately, this is very important because OW need to know you are there as a united front. Good luck honey! I am very proud of you!
don't forget, WH needs to open the car door for you, so you can put OC#1 in, & then you need to hold OC #2 while he opens door#2 and you hand baby in.
Then, he needs to walk to your door & open it, leaning in to give you a kiss on lips for being so brave.
It never hurts to make things look like M & R are going well. I so adore a real gentleman too.
P.S. if your WH expects R, he needs to get his wedding band resized & NEVER take it off (unless obligated @work for safety reasons or something). It needs to be ON & clearly visible during all pickup/dropoffs. AND, especially during any family get-togethers that he may choose to attend.
Well, it's official - OW really is pregnant. A co-worker of mine went to the doc's yesterday (OW works in at a OBGYN) and she said that she has a belly. My friend said she sat there and gave the OW the evil eye the whole time she was waiting. It was all she could do to keep from going postal on OW. Needless to say my heart is crushed!!!
I had been telling myself that she was pregnant, but to hear that she is now showing made my heart sink!
My family is being really supportive, and everyone tries to give me advice and how I should look at the situation differently. I should see all the blessings that have come out of this horrible situation. I know they are just trying to help, but they don't understand how it FEELS.How am I supposed to deal with the fact that my H is having a OC with OW and we are still married????
H told me he doesn't consider OW the mother of his child, I'm the mother of his children. When he thinks of the word "mom" its either his mother or me. He also said when the OC is with us it is "our" child and the OW is just a egg donor. BUT how can I see her that way when I will have to see her at least once a week for the next 18 years??
My H would rather just walk away from the OC, but the kind of person he is, he would regret it and he already has enough regrets. The OW hates me and I never did anything to her, she has caused ME pain. She thought she had won cuz she got pregnant, but she just made herself look like an Ass. She got pregnant on purpose to a married man!! How disgusting is that?!?!
I haven't seen OW in about 3 months and that was the one and only time I saw her since the A had started. I don't know how I'm going to feel when the OC comes and all these emotions come flooding in.
What a sad mess!!!!
Reading all of your stories, I see both sides. The heartaches, as well as the marriages that are in recovery. The OC is a girl, so I have a HUGE fear of when she is born, she will look like the OW. It just seems like an uphill battle that can never be won. But, again, with everything staring me in the face, why can't I make a FINAL decision? Why can't I say I'll take you back or why can't I say NC forever from the xH?
So confused and torn...