Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: chen (43228)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have had no contact with OW since the birth and we are not sure that it is his child, but it very well could be. I've been fighting with the thought of paternity test, because of the last string of hope that it might not be his.

Forgive/Forget, I know it is hard but please reconsider having DNA testing done. OW can come back at any point and demand DNA for CS and can get back CS from the time of OC's birth. Knowing for a fact that OC belong's to your H is a hard pill to swallow, but not knowing can cause so much more damage in the end. Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis:

Well, I mean not everyone. But, there is a little person out there that's impacted as much as everyone else is too.

It's just a very sad-sad situation that WS & OP puts families, marriages, & children in. I can say that R#2 would have been much simpler, if OW/OC wasn't involved & lived far-far-far-far away (on the moon). She threatened to move to Indiana w/her aunt years ago (can't remember - maybe when pregnant)...A#3 wouldn't have occurred (at least w/her anyway) if she had gone NC w/WH back then.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

repeat, it is a REALLY tough situation for everyone involved, including the BS, COM and OC all who are innocent in the entire mess. Unfortunately in the end someone ends up getting hurt. For us we decided that our marriage and a healthy relationship between my H and our COM came first. Do we wish the OC have a bad life? Certainly not!! But could we R with her as a part of our life? For us, no.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, I am checking into an attorney so I don't have to have it hang over my head.
I know that everyone doesn't agree with out decesion to have NC, but that is the only way for us. No, it isn't this childs fault..No, my husband should not of made the bad choices he made...OW made the choice to sleep with a Married Man and chose to keep the child...she can deal with her choice, I have my own life and kids that I am responsible for. She knew when she deceided to keep it she would be doing it on her own. I know that doesn't sound very nice, but it is how I feel.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW made the choice to sleep with a Married Man and chose to keep the child...she can deal with her choice, I have my own life and kids that I am responsible for. She knew when she deceided to keep it she would be doing it on her own. I know that doesn't sound very nice, but it is how I feel.

That's pretty much how I see it too. JMHO


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definately do DNA tests.

I'll post the link to the place we used. We got results 4 days from the time they got the test which took 2 days and they were cheap too. Keep in mind this is NOT a court admissable one with the chain of evidence included, but if you do end up needing a court admissible one down the road, what you pay for this one is credited towards the court one.

http://www.betagenetics.com/paternity-test.html

You can test just father and child, but they do send a test for the mother too. If you only get the father and child tested the results are like 99.99992% accurate. If you test all 3 people.. the test is 99.999999999999999% accurate LOL.

Good luck :)

Edited for spelling lol

[This message edited by beajus at 5:36 PM, May 14th (Thursday)]


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our experience w/DNA testing:

When OC was born (and OW finally told WH she had given birth & was home from hospital), I called Child Support Enforcement from our state (TN) and they gave me the contact information of a local hospital that would do the DNA testing (UT Memorial Hospital in Knoxville, TN). These are admissible in court.

WH & I went over & they took his photo (Polaroid) and all his info from driver's license etc. Then did a cheek swab. WH gave her the name of OW. She was expected to go w/in a few days of WH to get herself & OC tested. I called about 1 month later to see if they'd mailed it & they said they could only tell WH. So, he called & they said it had been mailed out to him & OW (at the address she gave the hospital). It came about 1 day later.

The test (in 2001) was $500 cash & he got a receipt from the hospital.

The hospital staff was very professional about the whole thing. Very nerve-racking for me. It was some backroom lab @the hospital that did it (didn't have to sign in @a front desk or anything). Very confidential.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DNA testing for me was a little different as my H was contesting that he was the father(or should I say I was)before the State was trying to give us full custody of all 3 children. We did it at the courthouse and they took pictures of all 4 people and then it took 6 weeks for the results to come back.

The sad thing is the State was willing to give us custody without any proof that my H was the father. The social workers even argued with me about wanting this telling me that the OW and my H both agreed that my H was the father and they didn't have a problem so what was the problem? I said I have a problem because you are asking me to take 3 extra kids until they are 18.

You know when the tests came back that the twins were not my H's, that one social worker could not even look or speak to me. I wanted to tell him off and shove the tests down his throat, but I held my composure.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:30 AM, May 15th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DNA testing for us was court ordered cause my H had received paternity papers and was denying he was the father. We got orders to go to a private lab on a certain date, my H had to show his ID, they never tooka picture of him. They did the swab of the inside of his mouth and we were on our way. It took about a month and we got a call from our lawyer with the results. My H ended up having to reimburse the state for the cost of the test($250 12 years ago), had OC not been his it would have been free.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know when the tests came back that the twins were not my H's, that one social worker could not even look or speak to me. I wanted to tell him off and shove the tests down his throat, but I held my composure.

I would have loved to see the look on that guys face!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC0415

So, are you like a "foster" mom legally of the twins, since they don't belong to either of you? Is he legal guardian of them, or just you? Since you aren't their parent, are you able to receive $$$ from the State to help raise them?

That was very Christian of you to take in twins after DNA proved they weren't WH's children. Most people would have let the State take them, even though their sibling was his.

BTW: I saw photo of them in F&G (I think it wa them)...they're cute.

What is M status right now?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat,

They would not qualify me as the foster parent. I can only be the legal guardian, and the court paperwork has me as the main guardian and my H as and/or. No we are not eligible for any funds from the state as there is a loophole that money can only be given to family members that take in children.

Until that law is changed, I get to love them and raise them for free. We have come to terms with that and it was a big decision that I involved my 3 older children in the decision as I would need their help. Everyone agreed that it would be better to keep the girls with their brother.

As far as my marriage, it is stronger than is has been in the 21 years that we have been married. We had a big blowout in March and it did get physical (on my part), but our whole family has worked on healing from this, so we are a family.

No contact from OW since October when she tried to contest us having guardianship. Now the judge said that I don't have to let her visitation ever.

Yeah that was the girls in F&G

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:35 AM, May 15th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H got word today that his family is planning on attending the religious ceremony that he gave his consent to OW for He is so hurt by this. H has told his family several times that he feels that they are being disloyal to him and to our marriage for having contact against his will, thye just don't get it. And they wonder why he hasn't made an effort to make the trip back to his home state to visit them in 8 years!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry AuntCis, that sucks :(


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((AuntCis)),

That is very disloyal. This ceremony is so that she can be adopted, therefore breaking any ties that OC would have to your H's family. The fact that they disrepected you and your H's feelings about contact with the OW & OC, would sa to me that they don't respect your family. And I can see why your H would not want to visit.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks beajus and BMC. H family has never "gotten it", they have had contact with OC as soon as we moved out of state. And they knew H would be upset about it so they kept it secret. We actually found out about them having contact through OW I guess this is part of why my H feels closer to my family than his own.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis:

I understand completely. In my case, even thought MIL/FIL didn't want to see OC...when WH brought her home, they requested 2 see her anyway. It felt like they were turning their back on me & our marriage by embracing OC. By the time OC was born, I had been w/their son (WH) for about 12 years & married for 7.5 years.

Also, MIL got very friendly w/OW's mother after WH's accident (even chummy)-chatted on phone w/her regularly. It really hurt me that even though I was argueing w/MIL @time of OC's preschool graduation, MIL/SIL/niece sat w/OW's family during graduation. WH+me & our boys sat @a round table in back & OW/OW's momma/OW's toddler/OW's sister & niece nephew sat w/WH's family. I believe it was extremely disrespectful. I actually told MIL when argueing a few years ago, that it hurt me very much that OW's momma encouraged the affair & even allowed WH to have sex w/OW in her house and that MIL being friends w/OW's mother was very disrespecting of me and my marriage to WH. OW's momma even allowed WH to come over to cookouts etc. like he was a regular boyfriend...who does that? Who wants their kid to be the other woman and try to destroy a marriage & make leave 2 boys w/out their father full-time? (NOTE: OW got pregnant w/OC in her momma's house while she was living w/her mother - she'd given up her love-nest when WH had broken up after A#1)

Fortunately, MIL & I patched things up & she actually saw OW-momma's true colors & quit allowing contact. Basically said, don't call unless emergency w/OC.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:45 AM, May 18th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((auntcis))
I'm sorry your IL's are going against your wishes. I see as you do that it is very disrespectful to you and your husband, especailly considering the good news you have recently been given, and you are trying to move on with your lives.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anybody have OC much of the time & OW is constantly disappointing OC?

I feel really badly for OC. Thurs night wasn't supposed to be WH's night for OC (we'd switched because of Mother's Day & OW took OC to HannahMontana movie Sunday b4 - which is WH's night). We sat @park for 20 minutes & OW didn't show up. So, we just played-it-off & said "oh, your momma must've forgotten that we switched last Thurs night & thought it was ours turn" - as we alternate Thurs nights during schoolyear.

Then, OW had promised OC that she & her toddler sister would go to a poetry reading thing for OC's class on Friday. She was so excited. She even picked wildflowers & I gave her one of my roses from yard for a vase in the classroom. OC was very disappointed...OW didn't show up & didn't even call OC's cell after school or anything. WH would have gone to the school thing, if he'd known OW wasn't going (as he is trying to remain NC w/OW unless I give the okay). I think OC was the only child w/out someone there for her. She was pouting all Friday afternoon...didn't even go outside 2 play (which is her normal afterschool thing).

OC has a big 2nd grade picnic on Thursday. WH promised OC that he'd go & asked her to relay to OW that he would be attending. I think, I may ask off for a long lunch & show up. I'm worried that OW will be there & try to sit w/WH & DS12 is also going. I CAN'T TRUST HER ANYMORE.....she tries to be friendly w/me & WH @OC's ballgames, just to piss me off!!!! She showed up to most ballgames & WH wondered how long her "good mommy" act would go on...I guess, it's over. She never went to field trips or anything for OC, even when she was a manager & could take off ANY day she chose. OW's BH was the one going on trips & showing up for school events for OC.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

326-

It's not happening yet, but I do foresse it in the future very soon. Thankfully OC isn't old enough to know better yet. We have OC most of the time, at minmum 12 hrs/day M-F and 3 overnights a week, plus All day Sunday. I kinda think that OW will just start saying.. Why don't you guys just keep her and stuff...

I dunno..
*le sigh*


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.