My husband has always had a lower drive. Sex the last 2 years was basically non existant maybe 3-4 times per year or less. D day was about 9 weeks ago. Sex has been more often but always I initiate. I asked him to initiate more. He says he is not and never has been very interested in sex. He says he does not NEED it. I don't understand. I think he is just unable to be in an intimate relationship on any level - emotionally, physically, spiritually etc.
Do you not like sex?
Does my happiness matter at all?
Does the family matter?
The question I think needs to be asked is are you willing to leave over sex? If not hwat are you going to do? We can wait be nice and flirt and to just constantly deal with rejection infrequest duty sex has a high emmotional toll.
What can we do the wanting sexless to go forward? This is the question on my mind because it is not a want it is a need in a real relationship.
The only advice I can give everyone who is being denied sex and intimacy is if you look at what you are doing and are happy with your effort the issue is not with you but your SO 100%. Please do not ket it tank your self esteem.
My only questions is what dramatic can we all do next? We have all tried the basics to no avail.
Since I declared the ultimatum, WH and I have had sex twice..Not bad...but the one thing that has changed is this...first time...it was SEX...second time...MADE LOVE...for the first time in I don't know how long. I am hoping this broke the ice and this will lead to a more natural sexual experience...I'll keep you posted.
Listen, this does not mean it will work for everyone. I think it all depends on where you are in therapy, in the aftermath of the affair, how far out you are and if you are in a true "R"....so, please don't push the WS against the wall, unless you mean what you say...I did..I was so willing to end this marriage. If you do not mean what you say, this and anything else, will fall on deaf ears. If I haven't learned anything else during this difficult time, it is that you HAVE TO MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. I am sure this journey would have ended LONG AGO, if I had jumped on the 180 and rode it out. I am not sure that my marriage would have survived, but I know I would have. And, looking back....I should have spent way more time on me than I did on "US"....because I WAS THE ONLY ONE SPENDING TIME ON "US"...I am sure a lot of you know what I mean. I know it is hard to do. But the minute I started to get stronger, the better I felt. I could see things clearer and knew that in order for me to survive, I had to start thinking about me.
I'll keep you all posted...so far, so good....and, best of luck to all of you...
Very good point, always be prepared to backup any ultimatum. If you can't follow through, don't throw it down.
Any update? Your last post was what I needed to hear. I am not ready to lay down an ultimatum yet, but I think I'm getting closer. We've talked/argued about it but I am not ready for an ultimatum.
I can't wait to end the duty sex and really make love with my wife again. I miss that part.
BH - I hope your initial good response has turned into more.
I thought of this the other day and told him tonight:
Being in this relationship with you like this is like showing up for work and all of a sudden one day they stop paying you. Yeah, there might be other benefits, you might actually enjoy what you're doing. But you realize quickly that the reason for being there is to get paid. When you ask the boss, they say they'll look into it, but nothing changes. Everyone around you is getting paid. Over time, you start to wonder how much longer you can actually keep going to work without getting the check.
I didn't tell him I'm looking for another job. I hope he can read between the lines and figure this out. I am at the end of the rope. I feel my feelings changing, and I don't want that to happen.
I told him tonight that I have told him for the past 16 months what I need for him, and the fact that he has been ignoring what I have said is taking its toll. If he cares, why would he not deal with the problem?
I'm the one in IC, it's not the fact that I have no sex drive(In fact my sex drive is on overload big time!), but trying to get over the mind movies, and the fact she told me that they never used a condom.
I was deployed for 8 months and she started having an EA with OM half way through, for 4months. Then she waits until I come home to start having a PA, and the only reason I can guess for that is that the kids got in the way while I was gone. The PA continued for another 4 months after that.
Also for me knowing the last person she had sex with wasn't me and that she gave herself to someone else after 8 months of us waiting for each other, at least I thought. She went and gave all of her drive and anticipation to OM!
I feel as if I don't get over it she may do it again, but I also feel I want my 8 months back! Not only did he receive something that was so special, but more importantly the fact she gave all of her sexual desire and purity away, bust most of all her love! Another is that we haven't been intimate since the day I left which is a little over a year, being that I wasn't the last one...will she compare me to him, things he may have done different that she come to love during sex, and will she want me to do those things to her just as he did? I'm just really scared, not only having sex, but deep kissing make out sessions as well.
If there are any BH's who feel or felt the way I do and over came this fear, I would greatly appreciate to hear from you all.
Also, I would like to hear from any FWW's if they compared their BH to the OM, and if you wanted or asked your BH to do some things to you that the OM man did, or if their BH had similar problems.
[This message edited by cantbreathe09 at 4:27 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]
Has anyone else gotten past this and gone on to have a good/great sexual relationship?
but my SO is always ready to go, and i mean ALWAYS. it's crazy. but what has helped me is explaining to him my situation. he gets it and understands. my sex drive is very out of wack. there may be a month or week where it's all the time. then the next month or 2 i don't want to be touched. so it's a bad rollercoaster. but SO understands and has made the ride ALOT easier on both of us.
That was nice and I even started feeling turned on.
We have been kissing more and more. I'm just leery because we had been having lots of what I call "maintenance sex-" pre D-Day, not grim, like duty sex implies, but certainly not any extended foreplay, lingering touches, sweet and soulful connection. And I'm definitely not down for any maintenance sex!
I told him, "hey, I know you can do it right. You HAVE done it right in the past. Remember?"
So I figure in a few weeks, if he puts in the time and energy required to seduce me and turn me on a super lot, he'll reap the reward!
But I can't just give it up cause I'm pissed. He's expressed sorrow that I don't want it- I know it's an important way for men to show their love.
I also know I become a lot less bitchy for a few days after a good sess! Just not wiling to give up bitchy yet, I guess.
[This message edited by wineguydfw at 8:38 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]
,A's ruin so much and are so horribly painful and destructive to everyone it just seems crazy if you ask me. What a stupid waste of our time here on earth,,this is all bullshi@ and I am so tired of it all,,aren't you?
Yes, they do ruin so much. And yes, this is a stupid waste of our time. I feel like I have had the last year of my life hijacked. I will never get that year back and I sure don't want the remaining years of my life to be spent wondering why my H doesn't seem to be interested in having sex or being intimate with me.
She robbed me of something that she has to give back to me. I feel the "ball is in her court" so to speak. What she took from me was security in myself and who I am.
I feel the same way. I hate knowing that the last person my H slept with was the MOW. I know he wants me to get over the A, but how can I when everyday I think about the fact that he is knowingly choosing not to be intimate with me even though he knows how much I want us to be close again.
Wineguydfw...not even sure how you made it 5 years... I don't think I could go that long knowing that my spouse was consciously making a decision not to have sex or be intimate with me.
I don't think you are being on-sided. She betrayed you, so why are you the one who has to initiate the intimacy?
Well, at least you have your wine
WH and I have talked about this and he insists that it's not because he's no longer attracted to me... it's just his body isn't cooperating. Prior to the A he would complain that he didn't think he could satisfy me the way he felt he should and talk about being an old man (he's 46 and 11 years older than me) ... so I guess I would accept that maybe it has to do with aging and also his own self confidence... except that, of course, he was obviously capable of satisfying OW! He tells me he's just not interested in sex at all... but, once again, I know that he desired her and, unfortunately, I got to read his emails to her about how he fantasized about her at night, wishing for the chance to be with her again...
Also, right around the time of the A, he stopped kissing me... and he's only kissed me a couple of times since we started R. He says he doesn't enjoy it... but he seems to have forgotten that he told me while in the fog how he couldn't wait to touch OW or kiss her...
My drive has always been high (higher probably than his) and I never cared about initiating in the past... but now, even when I REALLY want to... I can't. So I think we were intimate 1-2 times in the last 6-8 weeks.
It's bad enough that he doesn't seem to want to be intimate... but I also have started to feel like it's just ME... my body that he's not attracted to. I've always known I wasn't his normal "type" and with OW he reverted back to the "type" of woman physically he has always liked...
I'm starting to really notice when other guys check me out. And even bringing this up to talk to him about makes me feel bad because what guy is upset about having a wife that wants him all the time?!?!
But if I don't talk to him about it, things will just stay the same way and that will definitely be a deal breaker...
I guess any little step toward connecting should be seen as progress.
So I will give a happy smile for rear slapping!
[This message edited by lookinforward at 10:48 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]
I'm the WS. We havn't had sex in...ready for this...coming up on 3 years. For the first 9-12 months or so after D-Day, we had alot of sex. Mostly very emotional, loving, beautiful. With hours and hours of discussion. Then...on 10/9/06 she told me "I can't be intimate with you right now...I'll come to you". That was the last time.
There have been attempts by me. I've asked...serious, playfully..nada.
We did C for a bit...and alot of things in her came out...kinda unrelated to the A. She all of sudden stopped going to counceling. I still see a shrink...monthly.
So I keep plugging along. I was very close to calling it quits this weekend, when I couldn't take the rejection and loneliness anymore..but I'm getting my head back in the game.
The lack of intmacy isn't doing my self-esteem any good. I think it is killing me...alittle at a time.
To have someone to hold you when your world is crazy is amazing and for those who have that...God Bless!.
What happened on 10/9/06?
Are you sure your BS didn't start her own A? The reason I ask is that it seems awfully odd that she was okay with having lots of sex for the first year but then stopped.
My problem is we haven't had sex since the A...but if my spouse were to know about an A then have sex with me and then quit and say they can't do it any longer I would be suspicious. Of course I am a BS.