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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
Star727
♀ Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS and I've never had good sex with my WH in 22 years. When I think of the sex I used to have - WOW! it used to leave me climbing the ceilings. With my WH, its just a few minutes then cleanup. It was enough to produce two great kids.

I discovered his long term EA with a fellow coworker a year ago and since then we might have a "short session" every 3 months. I'm to believe its because of his prostate cancer surgery two years ago that makes him not interested in sex. Thats alot of bullshit.

I've found those over the counter "make dick hard" pills in a secret place in his car. I've kept up with the amount of pills and he's using them and not on me so his "I can't have sex cause of my surgery" story isnt working for me.

After I have healed from my upcoming knee replacement surgery and buy myself a car, I plan to ask WH to move so I can enjoy the rest of my life.

No sex sucks!!!!!


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone else have the best sex of their marriage WHILE the A was going on?

Nope. None. He "says" it was because he was too ashamed of what he was doing. He did pick ALOT of fights, use many varied excuses, finally I gave up trying.

But to fill the emotional void left, I started eating and gained like 80 pounds. Then I didn't want to start anything because I was ashamed of how I looked. I finally started to "use" that as the reason why HE wasn't interested (even though the disinterest came first before the weight gain).

Here's how it works at our house now. I initiate. If I want sex, I have to initiate. Yes, it bothers me sometimes, but it's only sex after all. I'l start things up if we've been fighting (to release those feel good hormones) but the "glow" doesn't last like it used to.

If I left it to him it would be 6-8 weeks between sessions. And believe me, after about 2 weeks, I'm so full of "he was with her a couple times a week and this is how he is with me" resentment brewing.

So rather than bear all that anger and resentment myself (he doesn't seem to care), I'll just tell him I need to get laid NOW or he suffers the consequences. Great foreplay .


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're almost 6 months out from the last time we had sex and it is killing me.

I've brought it up in MC several times, I've tried to talk about it with FWH many times, I've joked, I've made sarcastic comments, NOTHING.

He agreed to the idea I read on SI about every night for 7 nights, well, I think that was 9 months ago, and it lasted one night.

I asked him whether he would be willing if I initiated and he said yes. (I'm so scared of being rejected and dismissed like during false R, and I want a relatively willing partner.) The last time I tried that was Saturday of Father's Day weekend. We had the house to ourselves, and we'd both showered after a fast evening walk...what does he do? He says nothing in response, takes my hand, kisses it, and puts it on the head of the cat who's in bed with us... so I'm supposed to do bestiality now instead??!?

Now I've started sleeping elsewhere, my daughter's room when she's at a sleepover, the guest room, anywhere else. It feels stupid in a way, 'cuz if I'm not in our bed there's no damned chance of ANYTHING going on.

But then again I don't have to lay there so conscious of his every move and breath, hoping, wishing, and then once again so disappointed and hurt. I can't do this much longer. It is sucking the joy out of my life.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 35
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK..Here is a question? Is it that you are not interested in sex with your WS or that it might take a little more attention that you are not getting? Does it take longer?

We like to say we have shut down or it is stress but what do you feel really when or if they want to have sex?

Just asking...are you either afraid to ask for what you like or want? Did your sex life change thru the years? Did it change after children?


Posts: 5522 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is still in the fog and will not accept affectionate touching of any kind. I would settle for making out for starters. I am tired of initiating and feel very frustrated with the situation. I am trying to do the 180 and detach, but the lack of sex still bothers me about...every 15 minutes.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG....I am thinking that I have put so much time into "R" with my WH...and still our sex life is non-existent...so, no sex during the four years of affair...no mentionable sex for the last 2 years...I come to this forum and cannot believe what I am reading...if I have waited all this time for my physical relationship with my WH to improve, increase, get somewhat back to normal...and that's not going to happen...I need a lawyer.

This is the breaking point for me...and WH knows it. He has Diabetes, is not a spring chicken and I know that some medical problems can interfere, but really, that never stopped him with the OWOMEN.....So, I've been told in the beginning that he had no desire (for me, actually, as at that time, he was doing OW#1 like a racehorse), then, during false "R", I had some problems and then when I found out it was false "R", I refused to sleep with him. But, that is all water under the bridge now. So, I have been asked not to "Pressure" him, by WH and therapist...so it remains the elephant in the room...and I think it is time for the elephant to go..really, I'm at my wit's end about this. It seems that the BS has SO many things to overcome...and then, begging for sex from a WH seems far too demeaning...even though I've done it...But, I am in a way better place mentally now. Much stronger...So I think it is time for him to go.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it that you are not interested in sex with your WS or that it might take a little more attention that you are not getting?

neither. i can't take the mind movies. they start right before anything happens, continues throughout, and leaves me crying at the end. WS is giving me more than enough attention, and i really do want to have sex with him. the mind movies ruin it for me.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm where Brokenhearted is, I've tried so hard at this R. I have completely rearranged my life around her hobby, and still I feel like second place in a two man race. They (OM's) didn't have to put any effort into "getting some", and I work my ass off for "duty sex" at best. It just sucks.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the few occasions that we had sex...that's what it was...Duty Sex...nice terminology...at least now, I have a name for it...

What is up with that? I'll tell you what...I'm going for joint counseling tomorrow and will ask the therapist what he thinks is going on. Then, I'll pass any/all info on to my SI not getting any sex friends!! At least I can joke about it with people that are in the same boat... I don't want to leave...but I have a best female friend. I don't want that kind of relationship with my husband... I truly think I am going to move into the next bedroom. At least there I know I will not have sex and perhaps I can sleep better. I wake up in the middle of the night with this desire and know it will not be answered. This way, if I am in the other bedroom, I know my fate has been sealed and possibly can concentrate on sleep.

That will only work for a while, I'm afraid. I am sure that will lead to separation or divorce...as this is what happened with Marriage #1...and I put up with that for 22 years...my kids were young and I guess I just thought everybody lived like that...WRONG!! And, when I found out he was cybering, etc...I was more than willing to join in, to spice things up...but was told not to bother..He'd rather be by himself. Thank you and have a nice day...called counselor, called lawyer...and then, divorce... Really hope that doesn't happen this time. But, after 10 years, 5 of them fighting to keep this together, I'm tired, really tired.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look forward to your report agent Brokenhearted.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sure, I'd be glad to share any info I get...should be interesting...picture the WH sitting next to me, his arm around me...alluding to the therapist that everything is just "peachy" at home...and me coming up with..."Oh, and by the way...we are STILL NOT HAVING SEX!" That ought to be a hoot! WH never thinks I am going to speak the cold hard truth at the therapist's office. Stupid, right? What are we spending that money for?

Anyway, if I don't get any concrete answers, my plan is to move into the 2nd bedroom, and start living my own life. It will only be a short time after that, and I'm sure WS will be out...and you know, I actually think I am ready for that. This charade we have been living is too much for me any more. I feel bad about his kids, as we are close. But, you know, sometimes you just gotta do for yourself. And, after all of this work, I've had a long discussion with myself about trying not to throw in the towel...but truthfully, I cannot come up with any pluses on the plus/minus register any more. Either I am having a really bad day or the dawn is rising...we will see.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just asking...are you either afraid to ask for what you like or want? Did your sex life change thru the years? Did it change after children?

Yes, our sex life has had many reincarnations over the years together, through many pregnancies and 4 children. It's been the best I've ever had, it's been alternately frustrating, dutiful, fun, but it's always been there. Now I have x-rated dreams I'm so damned deprived.

Knowing what I know (that he doesn't know I know) about how inf**kingcredible the sex life was with OW several new firsts for her thanks to my lovely H's patience and skill, romance novel simultaneous knock-your-socks-off O's, I could go on and on. That's of course also always on my mind when I'm begging him to be interested in good ol' humdrum married sex again... Hell, what if he says yes? I'd be a nervous wreck thinking he's comparing the two. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

I'm terrified of again being rejected, repulsed, and disrespected like during false R. It takes all my strength to make the first move, physically or verbally. But on top of that, I'm very stubborn, and after all this history, I really want HIM to make the overtures. I want HIM to show his interest and enthusiasm for me. I want HIM to show he's mentally back with me.

I want to be loved.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 35
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. I would like to have the feeling that my WH really loves me, wants me, only desires me. I'm asking for a lot, I know...but don't you think a man who cheated on his wife, comes back home to make a go of his marriage, that he would want her to know that she is really all he wanted?

If this was a wife who cheated on her husband, every women here knows what it would be about. She would know that emotionally, her husband needed to know that he was the best thing she ever had...and that would be the start of the reconciliation. If that didn't happen, most men would walk...I'm sorry, guys, but I think this is true. I know there are some of you out there that are way deeper than that. But, I think, especially those of us with older spouses, this is the way that they think...
So, I am in agreement...I was constantly being denied intimacy with my husband..and now, rather than demean myself any further, I think it is best that I go on, without him.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...sorry I didn't post last night, after therapy...but I was deep in thought about the advice that we received...Here goes:

It seems that in order for my WH to get his mind on the straight and narrow as the pursuit is the drive to other women for him...he was advised to abandon all thoughts of sexual behaviour on any level. He is supposed to be re-building our emotional relationship, my trust in him, and work on WHY he is driven to pursue women. It apparently is the chase and conquer that excites him. (Really!!) I was told by the therapist that WH is working diligently on all of the above and truly trying to save our marriage. It is all the he wants,,,to have a meaningful, monogomous relationship with me and will do whatever it takes to get that.

So, here is what I told the therapist. This has been discussed in the past with him, about how this no-sex thing makes me feel as a BS. And, the last time it was discussed, I was asked to "hang in there and be patient." That was 8 months ago. In that time, my WS and I have had sex approximately 2-3 times and only after I had an emotional episode...crying, bitching...etc.

So, I firmly and calmly explained this to the therapist...I am NOT THE ONE that has a problem. This is the problem that I have: Every single time I think about him F'ing the OW, telling me he did not have the desire for me, etc., I want to "Pay him back." I want him to feel the same pain I felt. I want him to want me so bad but not have me, cause I am f'ing someone else. And, then, coming home and sleeping in the same bed with him. Hmmmmm, the look on the therapist's face and WH's face was one of shock. I told them both that I have demonstrated all the patience I am willing to demonstrate. I understand the problem he has. And, at this point, I am willing to separate so that he can focus his attention to the problem 100%. In the meantime, I will be out, and looking. After four years of finding out, many false "R's", no measurable physical relations, I am up against the wall and I am pushing back. Of course both of them stated that this was definitely not the answer. I told them to both walk a mile in my shoes...then, got up and left the office. I calmly went to our car, waited for the WS to join me and then, acted like nothing was said. WH was very upset...."I'm really trying to overcome this problem." I know, I say...but I think you will be able to devote all of your time to the problem, living alone. I feel like I've been living alone all this time anyway, so the change for me will be minimal. The only difference is I'll finally be getting lucky. I told him not to worry...it was just a physical thing...when he gets his shit worked out..I'll probably still be around. I've said this before...but this time I meant it and he knew it. He told me after I left the office, he discussed some things with the therapist and the therapist gave him some techniques to use, so that both of us can achieve our goal. I told him he has 30 days. As of 8/1 if our relationship does not show a dramatic change, we will go our separate ways for a while, until we decide what it is that we really want.

I have to be honest with all of you. It is this forum that has encouraged me to stand my ground and claim what is mine. If that doesn't happen, then, it never would have. I am not "waiting" another 6 months to find out he is still having a "problem" and I felt that if I drew this line in the sand, he would understand, clearly, where I stood. Some may think I've made a mistake...and they could be right. But, I was not willing to continue to "wait for XXX more months" for that part of my life to return...like I said..if I was the WS, I know that I would be doing EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I could do, to prove to my BS that I loved them, wanted only them, and wanted my marriage. I am not feeling that now. In order for me to move forward, that is the feeling I need. I'll keep you posted....


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
Weightless
♂ Member
Member # 20799
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. I would like to have the feeling that my WH really loves me, wants me, only desires me. I'm asking for a lot, I know...but don't you think a man who cheated on his wife, comes back home to make a go of his marriage, that he would want her to know that she is really all he wanted?
If this was a wife who cheated on her husband, every women here knows what it would be about. She would know that emotionally, her husband needed to know that he was the best thing she ever had...and that would be the start of the reconciliation. If that didn't happen, most men would walk...I'm sorry, guys, but I think this is true. I know there are some of you out there that are way deeper than that. But, I think, especially those of us with older spouses, this is the way that they think...

I think if you read some posts from BH's here you will find that this isn't true.



Posts: 170 | Registered: Aug 2008
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You see I know from being here so long that WS's lie. I know while in the A and even after the A they lie, or their guilt and shame will continue them in unhealthy patterns. In my logical mind I understand this.

Now having said this, I had a WS who told me and our older son while still foggy that he was not sexually attracted to me. I found myself trying to be a porn star in our bedroom for the first year or so to accomodate him and also for myself to find that "inner passionate person" again. I jumped thru emotional hoops to find it again. And now its all gone. I have no sexaul feelings at all right now and it scares the crap out of me.

I am checking into the hormone/thyroid issue but still feel so void...can't explain it.


Posts: 5522 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo!!! Broknhearted.

This seems to be a logical plan of attack. I don't understand how any WS could even consider no sexual contact a way to help thed BS. THEY FUCKED AROUND ON US!!! Now we would like to be fucked....lots.


ETA: Sorry that was kinda ventish. This is extremely frustrating.

[This message edited by Jimi40 at 2:40 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, to think the therapist is the one telling the WH that this is "Okay"....take your time...WTF!
Well, he has his time frame now and we will see what happens. I am hoping that this is like a "wake-up" call for him. I certainly don't expect a 100% turn around...just some understanding of what my life has been like in this area.

I hate pulling that trigger...do this or this is going to happen...but I felt like my back was against the wall and I'd had enough. I know that "time" is our mantra, but really....I think if nothing else, sex with your BS would be somewhat of a priority....or at least communicate why it is not, so that the BS can help...not only am I not having sex, I am not getting any communication about the problem...

We'll see what happens....


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny thing here; I apologize for my assumption, but, I always believed that sex wasn't as huge a deal for women, probably because of my wifes lack of enthuiasm (with me, anyway). This has triggered some issues with my self esteem, again.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah...that's what husband #1 thought too....

I don't think you can generalize about sex. But, sex for women is on a much different level than sex is for most men. I don't think men realize what a personal hit that is, when they have sex with other women. For women it is something we claim..it is ours and ours alone. When it is shared with other women, it is not longer ours alone. And once we realize it has been shared...it is not a good thing for a husband..


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
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