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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I jump in here too?

We are 18 months out from the discovery of H's A. It seems sometimes like he only discovered it also at that time.

His A lasted 15 years. mOur sex life had been just fine before that, but over the years he became more distant and sex became more infrequent. I missed the emotional and physical closeness that we had. I would try to talk about it but he was unresponsive, I tried to initiate sex but after being rejected a few times, I admit I also withdrew, not wanting to experience that sad humiliation again. For about the last 5 years of the A we would have sex about twice a year, if that. This coincided with his more regular hotel visits with his AP, which was about once a week, and also right there in his office.

Since dday, we had a new beginning. We enjoyed HB for about 8 months. Things have become more regular now, meaning about once a week.

The problem is, This is not what I want to be our normal. I need that closeness all the time. I know that this is not practical, but I would be happy with 3 or 4 times a week.

I have also felt lately that he has been "doing his duty" or when he is aware of my needs, not necessarily his. I have wondered if he has set his pattern by his relationship with OW. Once a week it was. He claims that it is only because he is fatigued by the time we go to bed (10 pm). Maybe this is true, but what about weekends when he doesn't have to get up early?

He has also had a problem with keeping his erection. Things are fine as long as I am conscious of keeping him aroused (ie pleasing him) but when it comes to him pleasing me, he tends to loose it.

The last straw came last week after his annual dr. appointment, when he came home and told me that he got a prescription for Viagra.

I was devastated. To me, this either means that he has reached an age where it is harder to achieve an erection (if This is so it is very bad timing-too bad for me) or that I just don't do it for him the way she did. He has assured me that neither of these things are the reason. He just thought that it would "enhance" our sex life. WTH? I didn't think it needed enhancing, as long as there is no third party involved in our M, things are fine.

How come these issues have come up (no pun intended) only after ending the affair?

I am so sad and humiliated. I think he took away the very last thing he could have-my pride.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 658 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I am tired of crying myself to sleep over this. I did this for 15 years and I think he has a lot of making up for lost time to do.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 658 | Registered: Feb 2012
whatabummer
♀ New Member
Member # 38825
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I am glad I found this. REally!! I feel so much better. Have not had sex in 3 years since I discovered the A and I have NO DESIRE. This makes me think that maybe I need to move on. The thought of getting intimate disgusts me. In MC I have mentioned the lack of intimacy. My WH probably can't do it anyway, but we haven't even discussed it. THREE YEARS! UGH!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013
sueaug
New Member
Member # 38611
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

joining this club too. No sex for 9 years, husband never interested and at his age
(50's) I thought his sex drive had gone - NO, he didn't want sex with me, but with his online friends!!!
and now he doesn't want sex with me, so now I feel so rejected, sad, unloved etc.
when I mention it to him, he is full of excuses - it is heartbreaking

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: england
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the one who doesn't want sex which is really strange, since I like sex.

I am sure this is a reaction to his A and fondness for porn. It just seems like I should be able to have and enjoy sex. I actually do things to avoid it like it was something evil.

I have to wonder am I punishing him or myself by this behavior? Either way, I still have no desire for sex!!


Me

Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
frigidfire86
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going without sex completely, but it definitely doesn't happen nearly as often. I was always the horny one and my H uses to complain that all I ever wanted to do was have sex. Now, just over two years from D-day, I have very little interest. It's only been this way for a few months, but I just don't want to have sex. No idea why. The rare occasion it does happen I will be into it at first, but after a couple minutes I can't wait for it to end. A lot of the time I just stop and neither of us gets off. Ugh. I know it frustrates him, but just can't get my libido back up. I don't even go to bed at the same time as him anymore. Just the idea of falling asleep together or the chance that we'll have another failed attempt at sex keeps me up late. And I can't even blame meds since I am not taking any. At least then I could so something about it. So far IC hasn't helped much either.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 5:38 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 608 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
DCP21
♀ New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I haven't had sex in 9 years, since I had a hysterectomy at age 40 (H was 44). I completely lost my sex drive, and really, I can't say I mind too much. My H used to make remarks about our lack of sex at times, but nothing in recent years. However, it was always kind of the elephant in the room. I always knew my H looked at porn, but in the last few months, I've discovered that he's registered with escort services, and several online dating/sex sites. I don't think he's physically hooked up with anyone yet, but just the fact that he registered with these sites hurts/ disgusts/ angers me. and I consider it cheating. I know that lack of sex in our marriage is completely unfair to my H, but I guess I just haven't cared enough in the past to do something about it. But now that I've discovered how far he's gone in possibly trying to get sex from someone else, part of me wants to fix our sex life. However, the other part of me feels so betrayed, I can barely look at him. I need help and advice!


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
Walking
♀ Member
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DCP, are you in marriage counseling? It seems like some outside mediation might be helpful after so long a time. Especially since it was a health issue that precipitated the distance. It seems like neither of you could just ease back into it with out some intermediate steps.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
DCP21
♀ New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Walking, I think you're right. We haven't even been affectionate in the last few years - very little hand-holding or kissing. After my hysterectomy they wouldn't put me on hormone replacement drugs because I smoked at that time. It's been 9 long years of hot flashes, headaches, loss of libido, etc. TMI lol! It's just like this long, slow drift apart. The thought of even passionately kissing is just really weird - like kissing a stranger, almost. I think it's just really going to talk a lot of work with a professional. It's just such a dichotomy. One part of me wants to fix my marriage and move on to this next chapter in our lives. Our oldest is getting married this month, and the youngest is a jr. in college. But the other part of me can't forget the things I've found out - all the online sex/escort sites, computer porn, withdrawing all of his IRA. What should I do?


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
Walking
♀ Member
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like there are two issues that are bothering you, there is a disconnect between what your head wants vs what your libido wants physically which was precipitated by your health crisis. This seems like something you owe to fix within yourself. the second issue is your marriage betrayal. I was not sure if you already had a marriage counselor or not, but if so, I think it would be productive to schedule a one on one with your therapist to work on the libido issue and how to break down those walls. Then I think you would be better able to move to the couples counseling to address his straying.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad I found this thread. Haven't had sex in 7 + years with SAWH. Never had much sex in our marriage. He's a sexual anorexic from what I can tell (but I am just an internet psychologist what do I know?).He also had a supposedly fantasy rooted 2.5+ year affair with a woman he knew through work.

SAWH has been seeing a CSAT since end of June. It's an excruciating, slow process. He's only in the detox phase now, which is the very beginning. I am trying to hang on for a year to decide whether I will stay, but it is getting very difficult because of the SA aspects - there are a lot of lies and half truths. I feel I can't move forward with the R until I know what I am dealing with. It pretty much sucks to have to feel like my life is on hold. I'm lonely and my self confidence is shot. I need to work on that.



BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
Walking
♀ Member
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome woman influx. I totally understand regarding the self confidence. It's so frustrating living in a sexless marriage absolutely mind boggling when your husband is focusing what sexual energy he has elsewhere.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I am not alone...I haven't had sex in almost 2 yrs I tried and tried to initiate, got turned down so quit trying. He had 2 huge hernias repaired a year ago, claims it was painful before the repair and is scared now? He still watches porn and takes care of himself, he admits it. He is now involved in an EA which if it hasn't become P I am sure it will at some point. He refuses MC I am now just putting in time trying to decide what to do. I have some weight to loose so you can imagine where my self confidence is right now. this thread makes me feel not so alone.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2013
babbs
♀ New Member
Member # 40368
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS and I didn't have much sex prior to my affair. Now 4 months post DDAY he's been all over the board. At first he wanted me all the time it was primal or something. Then it became normal once a week maybe 2 and he said he wanted more of it. So I said ok. We talked about getting lingerie which we have never done together. Except right before I got pregnant with my first I got some stuff but I remember he said it would end up on the floor so NBD. Ok I thought whatevs NBD to me.

Anyhow now he says he just doesn't feel like doing it at all. He barely says goodnight to me or touches me or much of anything.... We are in IC and trying to reconcile. He has said he's no longer in love with me, disgusted by me and that he's detached and protecting himself. I don't know what to do.

I've been told that this is a long process and I'm waiting to see if he comes back to me at all. It doesn't look great on most days as he's pretty indifferent with me. I miss him so much I'm devastated. I know this is all my doing and I need to be patient but I can't help but miss my husband. I'm in mourning the death of the love in my marriage and I'm the one that strangled it to this.


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
Alexa
♀ New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't recall exactly how many years it's been that we haven't had sex. All I know is I was and still am completely turned off by him. Maybe it was because he was going elsewhere to satisfy himself (didn't know it then) and we were growing apart. Don't get me wrong I would indulge in the pleasure once in a great while but the connection wasn't there and I was just going through the motion. Now, all I can think about is how many women he's been with and I can't get past the pictures and text messages. Why should I give him the pleasure when he caused so much pain?

[This message edited by Alexa at 8:28 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
DCP21
♀ New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Alexa, that's just how I've been thinking and feeling. And, I found ANOTHER sex website this weekend that H is registered on. It just devastated me. It seems like every day there's something new. I'm still in the "gathering info" phase, but DDay will be next weekend. I'm just so sick of everything, physically and emotionally.


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
jangledchick
♀ New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I am glad I found this. REally!! I feel so much better. Have not had sex in 3 years since I discovered the A and I have NO DESIRE. This makes me think that maybe I need to move on. The thought of getting intimate disgusts me. In MC I have mentioned the lack of intimacy. My WH probably can't do it anyway, but we haven't even discussed it. THREE YEARS! UGH!

whatabummer, Alexa, Dallas2 & DCP21
I am the same but my FT ruined my sexuality by using with filthy, festering street prostitutes.

Sex has been perverted and warped in my mind, into a revolting, putrid and foul act. Body fluids, including saliva turn my stomach.

[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
jangledchick
♀ New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

loveisareddress
I hear you. I used to have a very healthy libido which was destroyed by his lying, abuse and gaslighting.


I loved sex! I got to the point of almost begging for it... Ha! All gone down the stinking drain.

loveisareddress

I used to be able to pretend he was someone else, or tell myself I'm just using him for sex or something like that to just be able to get past the pain and have fun for a few minutes but I can't anymore.

I also gave up. Then after D-Day I became repulsed by the mere idea.


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have spent the last couple of days reading through this entire thread, so sad for so many of us! I'm the BS. My husband and I have never been on the same page on sex, he wants, I don't, or I want and he doesn't. Had Hb after DDay until his IC told him he didn't have to have sex with me, and should stand up for himself, WTF? I needed the closeness and reassurance after his 4 yr pa/ea/sexting - I think some days I hate his ic more than the mow. Now I can't initiate I just have to wait for him - makes me feel even more unloved if that is possible. WTF - a little love and reassurance would go a long way with most of us betrayed spouses.


BS - 59; fWH - 58 (yes, I believe he is a fWH now!)
2 grown children, 1 grandchild; Married 36 years, he is my only
D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011(updated tt) sexting with same OW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Ina

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Frustrated  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread. I have been married for almost 35 years and found out in the last year or so the WS has a sex drive. I actually wondered if he was gay, or just very low sex drive. Now know OWomen and porn are his favorite partners. He says he has given all that up but sex is still hit or miss maybe twice in a week then 5 weeks no interest. His affairs were a long time ago, in our twenties then but the porn use was his hidden long term life. Said I was so difficult and he likes it easy. OW easy to have unlike me but admits they probably didn't enjoy it with him either. The thought of what he did really still bothers me, affects me terribly with insecurity, I find it to be something I want but I think not with him anymore. Unsure if we can R as he won't read, listen or follow any advice. All the "experts" are idiots he says. Just put your mind to it and forgive and forget and do not ever bring it up again.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
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