We are 18 months out from the discovery of H's A. It seems sometimes like he only discovered it also at that time.
His A lasted 15 years. mOur sex life had been just fine before that, but over the years he became more distant and sex became more infrequent. I missed the emotional and physical closeness that we had. I would try to talk about it but he was unresponsive, I tried to initiate sex but after being rejected a few times, I admit I also withdrew, not wanting to experience that sad humiliation again. For about the last 5 years of the A we would have sex about twice a year, if that. This coincided with his more regular hotel visits with his AP, which was about once a week, and also right there in his office.
Since dday, we had a new beginning. We enjoyed HB for about 8 months. Things have become more regular now, meaning about once a week.
The problem is, This is not what I want to be our normal. I need that closeness all the time. I know that this is not practical, but I would be happy with 3 or 4 times a week.
I have also felt lately that he has been "doing his duty" or when he is aware of my needs, not necessarily his. I have wondered if he has set his pattern by his relationship with OW. Once a week it was. He claims that it is only because he is fatigued by the time we go to bed (10 pm). Maybe this is true, but what about weekends when he doesn't have to get up early?
He has also had a problem with keeping his erection. Things are fine as long as I am conscious of keeping him aroused (ie pleasing him) but when it comes to him pleasing me, he tends to loose it.
The last straw came last week after his annual dr. appointment, when he came home and told me that he got a prescription for Viagra.
I was devastated. To me, this either means that he has reached an age where it is harder to achieve an erection (if This is so it is very bad timing-too bad for me) or that I just don't do it for him the way she did. He has assured me that neither of these things are the reason. He just thought that it would "enhance" our sex life. WTH? I didn't think it needed enhancing, as long as there is no third party involved in our M, things are fine.
How come these issues have come up (no pun intended) only after ending the affair?
I am so sad and humiliated. I think he took away the very last thing he could have-my pride.
I am sure this is a reaction to his A and fondness for porn. It just seems like I should be able to have and enjoy sex. I actually do things to avoid it like it was something evil.
I have to wonder am I punishing him or myself by this behavior? Either way, I still have no desire for sex!!
[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 5:38 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]
SAWH has been seeing a CSAT since end of June. It's an excruciating, slow process. He's only in the detox phase now, which is the very beginning. I am trying to hang on for a year to decide whether I will stay, but it is getting very difficult because of the SA aspects - there are a lot of lies and half truths. I feel I can't move forward with the R until I know what I am dealing with. It pretty much sucks to have to feel like my life is on hold. I'm lonely and my self confidence is shot. I need to work on that.
Anyhow now he says he just doesn't feel like doing it at all. He barely says goodnight to me or touches me or much of anything.... We are in IC and trying to reconcile. He has said he's no longer in love with me, disgusted by me and that he's detached and protecting himself. I don't know what to do.
I've been told that this is a long process and I'm waiting to see if he comes back to me at all. It doesn't look great on most days as he's pretty indifferent with me. I miss him so much I'm devastated. I know this is all my doing and I need to be patient but I can't help but miss my husband. I'm in mourning the death of the love in my marriage and I'm the one that strangled it to this.
[This message edited by Alexa at 8:28 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]
Wow! I am glad I found this. REally!! I feel so much better. Have not had sex in 3 years since I discovered the A and I have NO DESIRE. This makes me think that maybe I need to move on. The thought of getting intimate disgusts me. In MC I have mentioned the lack of intimacy. My WH probably can't do it anyway, but we haven't even discussed it. THREE YEARS! UGH!
whatabummer, Alexa, Dallas2 & DCP21
I am the same but my FT ruined my sexuality by using with filthy, festering street prostitutes.
Sex has been perverted and warped in my mind, into a revolting, putrid and foul act. Body fluids, including saliva turn my stomach.
[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
I hear you. I used to have a very healthy libido which was destroyed by his lying, abuse and gaslighting.
I loved sex! I got to the point of almost begging for it... Ha! All gone down the stinking drain.
I used to be able to pretend he was someone else, or tell myself I'm just using him for sex or something like that to just be able to get past the pain and have fun for a few minutes but I can't anymore.
I also gave up. Then after D-Day I became repulsed by the mere idea.