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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
♀ New Member
Member # 36218
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel so hurt and undesirable that my WS would act and say the way he did, romantically and sexually, to his OP and now shows little romance (certainly not like with her ) and wants no sex from me. I have tried-- and let him know I would like more connection. We are trying for R and he has begged for forgiveness, has NC, says repeatedly that he is going to do whatever it takes to make it better. Any suggestions? Help? I feel so rejected!

BS 59
WS 69
DD 4/2/12
Married 35 yrs
2 wonderful grown children
Trying to R but unsure

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before FWH A, I orgasmed all the time many times with multiple orgasms. He had never given me compliments and when asked, he said that was not his way.

I found during his A, that he was telling other women nice things about their bodies, and he was sexting the OW all the time. I asked why he gave them compliments and not me. He said "there is nothing about you worth a compliment". To this day, the best he tells me is "nice boobs", "nice ass", and the worst is a bit of a dig, "you ruined my d***'s favorite home, but you are okay". I get a token sexting email once in a while, but it isn't much.

Is it any wonder that now, I have an extremely difficult time even getting one orgasm. I just feel like not having sex at all. It is impossible for a 60ish woman to compete with 20-40 year olds and even her own 16 year old body. These guys do a number on our mental health and it is difficult to get back.

me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat, you are not alone. My WH sounds just like yours except the strip club stuff. Satisfied himself for years and I stayed available thinking there must be something wrong with me since I seem to be the one not getting much out of this. The put downs were very similar, & he could not take suggestions to try to please me because he was the MAN. Now months after our Dday I just can't get interested, he makes no effort anymore and we are becoming roommates. It's not that I wouldn't love to have some passionate sex but, I am just not up for another encounter that makes me wish I had spent those 10 minutes doing something better.

Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
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Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad to be posting on here but glad to have found these posts. My wh is the one that does not want sex. Well he won't initiate at least. For awhile i didn't really want it either, and to be honest now when we do it (because I initiate) it's just sex.

He doesn't get into it, and for me I am just so sexually frustrated I initiate. Usually waking him, which doesn't give him much time to think and we DTD but again it's just sex. I have asked him why he doesn't want it or initiate it and he doesn't know. He doesn't watch porn and I don't think he is in another A but I know he helps himself out.

It's just so frustrating I feel so unwanted and loved, and not cherished. And so much pent up sexual frustration!!!

BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For almost 6 yrs. now...I feel nothing.
Oh, sometimes, I get a glimmer.

Got checked by Gyn doc and everything is "fine".

IC (male at the time) told me to "use it or you will lose it"...WTF!

I had a rip roaring libido when I met WH.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a rip roaring libido when I met WH. For almost 6 yrs. now...I feel nothing.
Oh, sometimes, I get a glimmer.

I hear you. I used to have a very healthy libido which was destroyed by his lying, abuse and gaslighting.

Even worse, he's had ED for years so we've avoided it because of that too. I'm already mad enough about things and trying to bond that way only makes me even madder. He used to initiate a lot and I would try to get into it, but all I could think was,"Aw jeez, not this *&%t again."

I was starting to feel like he intentionally initiated, knowing this would happen just to mess with my head.

I got to where I didn't want any part of it.

I used to be able to pretend he was someone else, or tell myself I'm just using him for sex or something like that to just be able to get past the pain and have fun for a few minutes but I can't anymore.

Lately I find myself not wanting to be in the same room with him, let alone touch him.

How do you do these things with someone so completely untrustworthy?

Last time it was good old missionary which used to be my favorite. He's resting on his elbows which are digging right into my shoulders like he thinks he's with someone a foot shorter. My shoulders hurt for a week.

He always intentionally does something to make it just a little uncomfortable. Why bother?

I got very lonely because he was emotionally and sexually unavailable, which is how I happened upon this site. Now matter how bad things get, I will never cheat. I already have enough baggage.

I don't really care what he does anymore. I haven't for a while. He will do what he wants. If he can't give up the inappropriate friendships, why should I open up?

Sometimes I feel like we're done and have been for years, but nobody wants to make the first move. If he wants to he can. I walked out several times over his BS and always got suckered back in with promises of change. If he's not happy, he can be the bad guy that splits up the family this time. But he won't. It'll ruin his image.

[This message edited by loveisareddress at 3:19 PM, August 31st (Friday)]

Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.

Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Purplebreeze: I wouldn't put up with that nonsense. I myself am a 'madhatter' and have been trying to learn my Hs 'love language', it's a grueling task but one I am all too happy to undertake! And I sure as heck don't just shrug off and negate his needs with 'that's just not my way', because that is horsesh*t (pardon my french). If he really wants to R, I would think he should make more of an attempt to make you feel special.
My H and I are always looking for ways to lift eachother up (it's not always managed, there are good and bad days and still lingering bad habits on both sides) but we never stop working. For yours to blatantly either insult or halfa$$ any compliments towards you like you've said then he's not giving your R 100%. Try reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, and see if he'll read it. It really helps you understand how to show your S your love for them (there's a better explanation of exactly what that means in the book) and if your H would read it, he may understand how the things he's been saying or not saying makes you feel. Hang in there, you are beautiful, you are strong, (and I apologize if religious quotes offend you but,) remember: 'this too shall pass'

[This message edited by sorrowbecomesyou at 1:40 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

I cannot go back and change the past, I can only affect the future. I cannot take back what happened, I can only ensure that it never happens again.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Louisiana
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Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC (male at the time) told me to "use it or you will lose it"...WTF!

This is true - believe it!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
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Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW rejected me sexually for years. Oh, we had plenty of sex, but she was rarely "into" it and worse, she would let me know that. She never made any effort to spice up our sex life or to act like it was the least bit important to her. After the CA, she admitted to me that it had been probably 10 years or so since she was at work and thought to herself "I can't wait to get home and screw my husband." (I bet there have been very, very few days over the past 10 years when the thought of going home and having sex with my wife didn't cross my mind). She didn't want to do sexy things, never wanted to expand our repitoire, never seemed to understand that I wanted more than just a "hole" to stick it in. We had so many talks about my frustration, but it never did any good. I either had to accept that she wasn't very sexual or she wasn't very attracted to me.

Then she had her CA. All the things that I was dying for, she gave away to some scumbag she hadn't talked to in 20 years. It's as if I was stumbling around in the desert for 10 years dying for a drink of water but having to survive on a drop here and there, only to find my wife pouring a nice cold pitcher of water for a douchebag who makes Leisure Suit Larry seem subtle.She may as well have looked up and smiled at me and said "See, I am sexual. I'm fun and sexy and I fantasize about things and I like trying new stuff. Just not with you dear."

Since I caught my WW though, she can't take her hands off of me. She welcomes new things and has been adventerous and fun and sexy. Everything that I was dying for. Why now? Hysterical bonding? Guilt? Afraid of me walking out? Can she suddenly be attracted to me again?

I've almost gotten past the CA itself, but thinking of how she behaved with me and how she behaved with tears me up so badly. It makes me feel worthless and unattractive.

It's ironic, she was closed up about sex for so long and denied me so much, yet I never strayed. Not once. Yet she jumped at the first guy who fed her a stale line. Now our marriage is in tatters. Yet, had she ever listened to what I needed, what I was begging her for, we could have been having amazing sex for the past 10 years and her little escapade probably never would have happened. Ironic.

[This message edited by Sparkless at 10:28 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW rejected me for years, never made any efforts in the bedroom, never placed any importance on our sex life, never responded to any of my needs, never wanted to try anything new or different, and had a horrible attitude toward sex. Then after I caught her in her CA, she had the nerve to look me in the eye and tell me she felt no spark toward me.

It's like for years I had a candle in my hand and every time I got close to her, she blew it out, and then one day complained to me that "there's not enough light."

DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking about proposing an open M to FWW, and wonder if anyone has experience with that to share?

After being fun and inventive while dating, our sex life really tanked the day we were M'd. It has been essentially a sexless (<10x/year) for over 6 years now, 3+ years during her A's and 3 years since dday. During her A she met with OM 1-2x a month with frequent flirting/sexting, etc.

Once she began IC/MC and got into her issues I listened, read, and belive I understand her issues related to sex. She hat BPD traits and our dating and M was pretty textbook for someone with BPD. She has SAb and FOO issues that inhibit emotional connection and healthy sex. I get this. For the last 2 years I have not pressured her for sex, and waited for her to initiate.

I am not happy being a non-sexual person, and when FWW says that she would be OK never having sex again, I have little hope. I do not want to D for many reasons, and see our M staying the same. The difference would be that when sex is offered from an OW I would be approved to participate if I wanted, and FWW would be "off the hook" for sex.

I understand that it is harder than just meeting up on Craigslist. I do not want to be an MOM. I want to be upfront with potential partners that I am M'd, and not looking for a new W, just a friend with mutual benefits.

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dday 10-5-09

Well, drop the bomb on Oct. 5 and it'll be a date neither of you ever forget.

I am thinking about proposing an open M to FWW

Do you want an open marriage? Or do you just want to be desired sexually?

remember this:
I want you to CHOSE ME = I want to be SPECIAL = I want you to want me = I want you to RESPECT me = I want you to APPRECIATE me = I want you to LOVE me

What happens when you fall in love with your FWB? Or you wife fall in love with her FWB?

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I will join this thread...reluctantly.

We had sex during the A, during the false R's, and then...gradually it just stopped. In that time, my libido grew, and his (around me) seems to have died.

He says he is not sure why, makes excuses as others have shared, tells me what he doesn't like about me (recently he told me I am too hairy and has never liked the way I kiss). I have a hard time believing those comments aren't directly related to his hairless OW...he never complained before.
There is a lot of resentment building up, and I am doing everything in my power not to feel angry and give up.
He is going on a business trip this week and I am looking forward to him being gone so I can get an idea of what it would be like to be a single mom to three...

Me, the BS:38 42
WH...STBX:39 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then she had her CA. All the things that I was dying for, she gave away to some scumbag she hadn't talked to in 20 years. It's as if I was stumbling around in the desert for 10 years dying for a drink of water but having to survive on a drop here and there, only to find my wife pouring a nice cold pitcher of water for a douchebag who makes Leisure Suit Larry seem subtle.She may as well have looked up and smiled at me and said "See, I am sexual. I'm fun and sexy and I fantasize about things and I like trying new stuff. Just not with you dear."

This is EXACTLY how i feel and for me, it's not just sex that i'm missing out on, it's the whole shebang. My love language is very strongly physical/touch and WS just cannot bring herself to touch me or let me touch her in return.
In the beginning of our relationship we were HIGHLY active, to the point where i felt we were having too much sex and i began to look forward to the times where we would only have sex once or twice during the day and i would be able to rest up at night . Well, fast forward to today and the deluge of sex has turned into a barren wasteland of sexual frustration and unfulfilled needs. Meanwhile, during the A WS was just throwing it away every time she was with OM. Plenty of sexting and pictures (which i NEVER received in the past from her, even when we were at our peak), lots of talk about how much she can't wait to her her hands on him and all that fun stuff that should have been directed towards me. A text she sent to a friend sums it up pretty well, "now i want to have sex, just not with [Larry]".

The decline in our sex life started well before the A and was mostly due to having a child. After giving birth (c-section) sex was VERY painful for her and she would try to make it work a few times but it was not pleasurable for her like it used to be. Well, now it's clear that everything is working just fine for her down there but she still has zero interest in me sexually. We don't even hold hands or cuddle right now. DDay was just 3 months ago and i would hardly say that we are in R just yet. Does it get better from here? Sex is very important to me and i don't feel like it's just me being a guy, i am a VERY physical person and i just need to be touched to feel loved.

~Larry out

D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.

Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
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Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted about this in the Wayward forum awhile ago, but the issue has not improved and I feel very stuck and very guilty.

I am the SO who isn't interested in sex. I want to BE interested, I want to want it. My XH is handsome and physically attractive. My libido just seems to be gone. I am in my early 30s, no children. Physically exhausting job with long hours. A lot of life stress in our lives. I have a medical condition that kills libido, plus the medication I take for it also contributes to that. XH and I have talked about it, we both agree that we'd like a healthier sex life, but neither of us does anything to change. We have been in R for 8 months; I've been having these issues (lack of desire) for well over a year (since dx with the medical issue).

I see my gyn next in January. I will discuss it with her. I also see my specialist in January; I will mention it there as well. I am so concerned. I feel like we are becoming roommates before we even are fully R'ed. I feel very confident in saying it's not an emotional issue or a lack of attraction. Our R is going well and we love each other. I find him very appealing, physically. I just can't seem to feel the desire. I feel like a completely different person from years ago. I used to be very sexual. It's not fair to my XH.

Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
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Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've come back to tell you that my situation has improved 100%. The last time I posted, I had broken up with my boyfriend of nearly four years. He had cheated on me and refused to work on the issue. Someone should have been there to hit me with the hammer when I went back to him for one final round. After a six-month separation, we got back together for about ten MORE months. And still, no sex. Not once. Not even a "hey, we are back together" kind of sex.

I do believe things happen for a reason. And maybe it was just the catalyst for me to do better for myself and my future. After breaking up with him, I started a wonderful, beautiful relationship with a good, good man. He is loyal as can be (not just based on my relationship, based on his previous marriage and their circumstances). We have now been very happily married for six months.

I don't believe the circumstances change without some counseling or intervention or walking away. I had recommended a book the last time I posted, called "When He's Married to Mom." My XWBF read that book and agreed with me that it was exactly where the problem was rooted. He just chose to do nothing about it.

ETA: My husband is also wonderful and loyal to me, not just limited to his ex-wife. I just didn't want anyone to think I was saying that based on my in-love feelings. He is amazing.

[This message edited by rottenkitty at 12:05 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My god I am stupid. So I just found out about my husbands affair, but he has been with holding sex a long time. I always had a stronger drive in our marriage. After 8 years I got pregnant and we had a huge marriage crisis. He was not happy, he screamed at me to get an abortion for 9 mos. and alternated it with flat out ignoring me. he kept barking that i was trapping him a man i had been married to for years. me. It ended a few weeks before I delivered when I told him I loved the baby more than him and was prepared to raise it on my own. He showed up for delivery and has generally been okay since except we have probably only had sex 10 times in 10 years. He just does not seem to be interested now, after finding out about the other woman, which he will not admit to, I am beginning to believe that maybe he as always had something on the side. I am so stupid.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Corner of burned and baffled
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Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone. I was the one in our relationship that had no sex drive. I felt bad about it. My wife told me several times that she needed more attention. I tried for a day or two and then it went back to once a month. I had low testosterone. Common in males. I got cream. It did not help. I exercised. It did not help. Everytime we did have sex I asked myself, why aren't we doing this all the damn time. It feels so good. Then I would let a month go by without responding to her about sex. Looking back I would give my legs to change things. I found out on 1-11-13 that she had cheated on me three times/same guy over three years. I was fucking crushed. I wish I could describe it. She felt so badly. Horrible. Almost and at one point suicidal. Well we talked, I yelled and cried. My world had ended. After two days we put on our big boy and girl pants and talked like adults. I, for the first time, told her how I felt. How all those years I was depressed and felt so unworthy. We had a rough ass first 9 years of marriage. She doesn't handle stress well and gets frustrated. I take that as me failing. I feel horrible. I show love by acts of service. I would clean extra good or make her something nice in my wood shop. She up until recently thought that love was sex. I, for the first time, got to tell her how I felt all those years. Explain how I reacted to her facial expressions and huffs. I felt so unwanted, unworthy, useless, and afraid to disappoint. When we did have sex I had mini panic attacks that she would not get off or just get one small one. I didn't feel as if anything I ever did was good enough. I wish I could go back to day one and share my feelings with her. I wish I could go back and undo all the times I made her feel unattractive or unwanted by her husband. If I had only been a big enough man to talk to her about my feelings we could have avoided a whole lot of problems we are dealing with now. I love her so much. And as a side note since we have been able to talk to each other so openly she has not wanted for anything in that department. Talk to each other. Make sure your partner knows that it is a safe environment to share in. Don't bring it up during a fight. Never use what he/she tells you to hurt them. Be honest and happy. I am so happy with her now. However because of me being macho and not wanting to burden her with my problems we are now working though her affairs. Love one another.

"If you wouldn't do it with God and your mother standing there, then you shouldn't be doing it. " sorry but I don't know who said it.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South west ohio
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Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a commercial yesterday for this program on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network), if anyone is interested:

Iyanla - Fix My Sexless Marriage

It's on Friday, May 17th, 2013 at 9:00 pm & Midnight.
And Saturday May 18th at 8 pm.

Iyanla works with a couple from Knoxville, Tennessee, who say that they are trapped in a sexless marriage

Read more:

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.

Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I jump in here too?

We are 18 months out from the discovery of H's A. It seems sometimes like he only discovered it also at that time.

His A lasted 15 years. mOur sex life had been just fine before that, but over the years he became more distant and sex became more infrequent. I missed the emotional and physical closeness that we had. I would try to talk about it but he was unresponsive, I tried to initiate sex but after being rejected a few times, I admit I also withdrew, not wanting to experience that sad humiliation again. For about the last 5 years of the A we would have sex about twice a year, if that. This coincided with his more regular hotel visits with his AP, which was about once a week, and also right there in his office.

Since dday, we had a new beginning. We enjoyed HB for about 8 months. Things have become more regular now, meaning about once a week.

The problem is, This is not what I want to be our normal

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
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