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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
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Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard, my H would be shocked if I asked him that. He has NO idea I do it.
We have trouble discussing sexual issues. The last conversation we had about sex, he said he feels pressured at times and worried about performance.
I can't understand why I was so much more free and open about discussing sex with OM, but frankly, my H would be shocked if I asked him about masturbation. I ended the A and feel better for it, but my H will think I've gone crazy and might suspect something if I change too much.

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Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have read when a relationship can open up and be safe with these kinds of discussions, a whole new sexually experience begins.

We have trouble discussing sexual issues

Me, I am in the process of fixing this with my wife. She could open up to her OM too but me she is afraid, guarded, etc... She must open with me because I want a more loving, caring, intimate, sexual relationship. For some reason, I must have been a man who she couldn't open up? Why? I don't know. You felt safe talking about it with your OM and not your H. Just like my wife.

It is my bet, your H does it way more often than what you beleive. He might even get offended if you tell him how often you do it. He might want to share the sex you give to yourself.

I thank you for being so open to me. I may have more questions for you if you don't mind.

Every normal man I know needs sex... and often.

This past week, my wife finally made a sexual remark to me. It came the day after a well planned romace that began at the beginning of the day.

IMO, her A had this element... It was attractive. They had to plan. When I was out of town, a meeting away from the office, things like that. It build sexual excitment in a womam. Heck, men are ready to go at any time. It seems to me that womem are not like that. They need woo'ing... time to think about it... stuff like that.

Anyway, my new value is I am going to have a better sexual relationship with my wife and my needs are going to be met.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:34 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard, actually the OM and I didn't plan too often. He knew my schedule and I knew his. What excited me would be waking up and seeing a text that said. "get over here now!" It was the OMs aggressiveness and NEED for me that excited me. He had to have me.
There were no dates. No wooing, just his desire to have me. It was liberating being desired this way.
My H is so polite and passive. I know I need to appreciate that. I do love my H and we are working on it.

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Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Belle... I think over time I became the polite and passive man. I was rejected so often over the years I just gave up on being so agressive. As I look at it now, my wife trained me not to stop being aggresive, yet she needed the exact same thing you needed.

My values prevented me from seeking an A, but I wanted one and needed one. I shifted and focused on my job, friends, and myself. My sexuality never left me as I took care of myself.

I am trying to find a balance in my life so I can be sexually satisfied so stepping up how to be an attractive man for my wife. I want my wife to step it up but so far.. nothing.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:10 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard, I've been told that after Dday, many couples go through a renewed sexuality and that intimacy is increased. Did that happen for you and your W?
I am trying to step things up for my H, but it's such a subtle "dance". On one hand, I don't want him to feel I'm pressuring him, but I also want him to know that I need it. We are focusing on spending quality time together and reconnecting. We did háve sex twice over the weekend. I think it will improve.
We both have kept in good shape and I believe we are still attracted to each other. I just wish I could feel less inhibited with him.

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Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did that happen for you and your W?

My wife and I did the hysterical bonding for a couple months. My wife was willing to do anything to save our marriage. I look at that time she did for me, not her. My postion now is she must have sex for her, not me. I do not accept chore sex.

I don’t believe I am attractive to my wife. She says I am an attractive man. But not to her.

I look at all the things I do, have done, and the man I am…..I live in the nicest house, we have nice things, I have a good families who loves my wife, I don’t have an single addiction, treat my wife with words of affirmations, compliments, give my wife quality time, everyday.. I allow her time to herself… I fix things around the house, do my own chores, I do my own things, golf, fishing etc.. I try to keep myself in fairly good shape, I am on two board’s serving the community, I have faith in God, I think I’ve learned how to forgive… All I need in return is a few rumbles in the sack a couple times a week. When I tell her what I want, it’s a NO, excuse, or “that’s not me” or whatever.

The problem I have with all this is that I know she is a sexual woman. She had sex with her OM 1-3 times a week while at the same time with me at least once per couple weeks. You think that is not sending me a message? My wife never initiates sex. Today, this sends me a message that I once never was concerned about.

I am intentionally starting conflicts in my marriage and I hope they do not end our marriage.

It has to be my wife's choice to want to fill my needs now. I feel she left me a long time ago but hangs on because I really do fill all her needs. I have never pushed her to fill my needs. Her OM would not have filled her total needs. He is a gambling drunk that has anger issues. Tall dark, rich and handsome though. So easy to come home and get away from OM during his ugly times. It's funny becasue after I found out, I told her to just go marry him. She said, He is not the marrying type. I guess I am the marrying type but just not the kind of man that a she wants to have sex with a few time a week. At least that is the way I see it now.

I am reading Dr. Laura's book the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands right now. The book club woman beat the heck out of Dr. Laura. I was going to say.. Maybe you should read this...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:23 AM, May 4th (Friday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow trynhard, there are SO many parallels to what you just posted. Apart from my H being less affectionate and sexual as you, much of what you wrote resonates so much with me.
Your Ws OM sounds so similar to mine, and no, he isn't the marrying kind. He is a self destructive soul but he filled a need for me and I was more physically attracted to him than my H. I believe if you put them side by side, 90 percent of women would say my H is more handsome. I don't know why I find him less attractive.
Although I'm less attracted to my H, I want to be intimate with him because I think it's necessary for our M to work.
I want him to desire me and need me.
May I pm you? This thread seems to have become a conversation between us and I see some similarities in your WW.

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Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Of course you can PM me. I think our similarities are that my W feels the same as you. My wife says she wants the desire back. Our differences may be that I desire, have attractions, and want to have sex with my wife and treating her to the best of my ability. I’m not so sure your H is doing the same for you.

Yes, you might have had that “spark” for OM. But my bet is if you had a monogamous relationship with him only, it would die off after 3-4 years. See, we all have ugliness parts to us. That little annoying habit you did see because he was “part time”. In time, the words of affirmation just seem to fade. He was filling only one need and I am sure your H filling many other needs.

What can a BS do to be attractive to his W? It takes great effort by be me to get my W to seem very attracted to me sexually.

This is the kind of effort it takes from me. For example, I called her at work and told her to be ready to play when we get home. She bought us those sex cards a few years ago. You perform whatever is on the card. We had a couple glasses of wine then played poker, sequence, and domino’s… she won about every time so of course so I was the giver not the receiver. I know at the end of all that, she had some desire for me at that moment in time.

All that above seems to be fine, but experts say for a woman, it takes an emotional connection for her to desire a man. Not anything to do with the “games”.

Since November 2011, we have had three fights that I have thrown in my W’s face she had sex with her OM all the time, yet me, never initiation and me Chore sex. I am sure these fights do not help my wife feel desirable toward me. She does not feel safe. And now for the first time, I have had small times where that “desire” is leaving me.

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, its not that I'm not interested. It's not that I'm not interested in him. Its not that he's not interested in me- he tried to initiate last night and tonight. I just don't think I'm at all ready.
DDay was 3 months ago, 2 days after my c-section. We had very little sex during my last trimester, as I was huge and uncomfortable all the time. April 1, he come home for one night, false R, and that time was ALL about him. Nothing since.
He's ended he A, but is VERY much still in it, missing her, worrying about the pain he's caused her, thinking about the pain he's in...but come bedtime, he's ready to go.
All I can think about is, he hasn't gone without, and I have. He's been with her, and the 6 or 7 other strangers during our marriage. I haven't. I thought what we had was about intimacy. For him, it clearly wasn't. And now that I know this, I feel SO differently about it. I want to be intimate with him, but he's jumping back into things like NOTHING has changed, like a day hasn't passed, like its the most normal thing in the world.
He's recently been diagnosed bipolar, and his therapist was recommending that he spend time living alone, apart from us. He tried it with housemates and that wasn't working. He was going to get his own place, but he's missing our babies growing, and he does need the support system of a family around him right now. However, his coping skills with stress are such that I'm actually worried about bringing this up right now-almost concerned that his IC will say, "See? I told you so. You moved back home to fast, you're not ready to face these kinds of issues yet. You should move out."
Its a complex situation, and complex problem. And its only been 2 days. I'm worried about how to bring it up with him without setting off major stressors. And yes, I'm worried that if he doesn't get it from me, he'll find someone else to get it from.
God, this SUCKS.
Anyone have ANY good ideas what the hell I should do? I'm lost.

Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

js_girl…. Her e are my thoughts… OK so you are a sexual woman like normal. Good, you are a normal woman. Sounds like you have values. I am not going to have sex with a man who will not be nice, intimate, safe, committed, loving, or honest. Until he can show you, why would you have sex with him? Not complex at all. He needs to prove to you he is worthy of your sex. A good value is not giving him your sex until she shows you he is of value. If he breaks the vow he made to God, to you, to your family, that is his choice and plenty of good men are worthy of your sex. Right now, he is just not worthy of a good woman like you.

It's too bad he is so selfish. He has a good woman who wants to have sex with him right at home, he just has no clue how to get it.

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jsgirl, that is so sad but I agree with trynhard that it must be completely normal. I can't understand how being apart will help though. It seems to me that in order to reconnect, he would need to be there for you, doing what you need.
Trynhard, I don't know how to start a pm. I've only ever responded to ones sent to me.
It sounds like you do lots of things to build intimacy with your W. My H does many of those things. We have fun together. We just aren't hot for each other anymore.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
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Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sex once since sometime prior to Christmas..... never thought this would be me.... sexual sublimation has me swimming 2 - 3 miles a week. It doesn't replace intimacy. Not by a long shot. I am so lonely for affection, this is pathetic. I think my feelings for him have finally died from chronic neglect. I hope it gets easier now.

Me - BW
DD - May Day 2009
Status - Limbo waiting for him to engage
May 2012 - Feeling Done in my heart. Death by limbo, lack of demonstrated remorse, emotional unavailability, lack of companionship, lack of demonstrated affection. Sexless marri

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sydney
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Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where I belong, for sure! My FWH and I have been married just over 8 years. For most of the first and second year of our marriage (through my two pregnancies and a hysterectomy shortly after pregnancy #2) Hubs was involved in a LTA. During all of that time our sex life was great. Then the A ended.
FWH had resentment toward me for a while afterward, but that passed. What didn't pass was the total 180 where sex was concerned.
Our sex life ended the instant his A ended for the most part. If I don't get pushy about it, he will go 6 or 8 months without touching me in a sexual manner. When I do speak out about it, he will go through the motions a couple times and then back to the same old same as soon as he thinks I'm happy again.
Now - he is affectionate. He will hug me every time he gets a chance. Sit on the sofa and hold me. Kiss me on the cheek. But he will not touch me, speak to me, or look at me in any sexual manner whatsoever.
We're middle aged so I thought for a while it was decreased sex drive. I know now though, it's not that. He uses porn pretty much daily to handle his "business". So, he has plenty of sexual urges, he just does not want to do it with me.
And that, my freinds, hurts.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together.
D-day: 3/12/2005.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma
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Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have NO drive for him at all. :(

I have had sex with him just once since December which was right after I found out about OW #1. I was trying it out. It being sex to see if I could get any pleasure. I didn't enjoy it but I'm glad I did it. I cried after and that is the first time I have ever cried after sex. period. I was so exhausted emotionally that the hurt and pain just spilled out. He held me and that was so nice.

Little did I know there was OW #2 just a lurking in the background.

At this point....I have no desire for sex. I use to be super sexual. I was ready anytime and wanted it. I'd find myself in different positions just waiting for him to walk in the door. I'd wake up at 2am and begin to please him just because I knew he wanted me as bad. I bought endless toys and was willing to play for hours.

Here's the thing: when I'm hurt emotionally nothing can happen. Even in December I had to use lube because I just couldn't get into it.

Since finding out all the stuff he has done and lied about I"m good with pleasing myself, in my own room, with my own toys. He can do what he wants in his room but don't expect me to be a part of it. I'm done.

He has put me at risk on every level one can imagine. There is NOT a chance on the planet he will get to enjoy my sex ever again as far as I'm concerned.

Now then....where's my credit card for I need to order my new toy. LOL.

Honestly, I'm beyond pissed off at him still and I will be for a very long long. He has ruined parts of me that belonged to him alone and he took that and shit all over it. He didn't value me or my absolute trust and faith in him. At this point, I don't even know who I married.


and then she said " this". hahahaha.

Posts: 150 | Registered: May 2012
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Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read through all the posts here and apologize if what I am asking is a repeat of another person's question.

Since a few days after D-day my WH has been on two different antidepressants at the same time. At the beginning for about 6 months and maybe more Hyper-bonding was occurring. Then ED issues began and I was told it was because of the Ad's, which I know medically/physically can occur. WH also told me he was having no sexual desires or drive because of the Ad's and he preferred to stay on them because it was the meds were helping with everything else. I was frustrated with this but completely understood...But since then WH has lied to me and has been viewing and masturbating to various kinds of porn on his phone...deleting it, telling me to my face he doesn't lie anymore etc... I have confronted him about this but I really don't get in concrete answers and he rug sweeps the issue. I don't know what to think ... Any thoughts would be great...His actions have really taken a blow on my self-esteem...

Posts: 374 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
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Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you know, I am in sex therapy (for men) so maybe I can share a few things. But I think some of the same things apply. Sex is very complicated but I will touch on some things… The biggest sex organ is our brains. What I am being taught is that for good sex, it is absolutely necessary for each person to want to meet all needs. So focus on that first... (I am not going to recommend a book.. LOL)

If your H is using Porn everyday, he has a huge issue. He is a bit lost right now knowing how to get his healthy sexual needs filled. In no way porn is more gratifying then sex with any woman! He is again breaking his marriage vow to you and God.

Here is what has been most effective for me…. You must now get some courage. You have a choice. If you cannot make this choice, then you cannot be helped.

I think your end game is divorcing him if you ever want a loving sexual relationship with a man. And believe me, if you can find a good man should you choose this route. But before you get there, you can help your H try and get healthy. IMO, You need to take a position of this is all about you. All your bitterness from his A must go. In your case, it sounds like you want to have sex so maybe you are good. Overcoming the pain for betrayal knocks the sex of a woman right out of them. Not so easy to overcome. Only you have control over your own brain. I have been taught that for a woman to want to have sex with a man, a critical aspect is she must completely feel safe.

If you want a more sexual relationship, I think you start initiating two things… planned conflicts and flirting behaviors.

I think you start with things like… very simple communications like… You start planting the seeds. It is critical you do not get rattled when you begin these conflict because mean things might get said. Do no concern yourself with those things.

Very very light conflict statements…
- I want to be in a sexual marriage. (nothing more said.. listen)
- Healthy marriages have sex (nothing more said.. listen)
- Ya know, sex together is much better then a picture or video.

Heavy Flirting behaviors
- those jeans look good on you honey…
- Sitting watching tv.. “this show makes me wet”
- Touch him on his neck
- A simple blow in his ear
- I imagine you know how to flirt! lol...

You might give this a couple months… I think you try some different flirting everyday… Do not initiate the sex act! It is the man’s job to initiate Sex. What type woman wants a feminized man? One who is not the purser? In a normal healthy sexual relationship, it can be both to initiate and should be. But for now, he must make the choice to desire you. But for now, you attract him.

As you progress in time, you start implementing slightly more conflict with consequences.

I want to be in a loving sexual marriage. I want you to initiate sex. (think of light consequences) I’m not going to allow you to see me naked…
And less flirting

Then to the heaviest conflict… I want a sexual relations, it is a breaking the vow to not be in a sexual relationship with me… and I am thinking about ending our marriage…. To eventually, I am ending our relationship.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:58 AM, June 8th (Friday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have NO drive for him at all. :(

Why would you? You don't feel safe.

If you did the best to please your man sexual, you did all you could do. Some men are just so selfish; nothing you can do will fill this man’s needs.

We both know your solution.

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


here are my thoughts...

AD are sex killers. Your H needs to figure out how to not be depressed. He must have an end game to the AD. They should only be used as a temp thing IMO. He must not allow himself to think as these drugs as the solution to his own lack of will.. Lack of confidence. He needs a good IC.

As his wife and if you have made a choice to stick with him, all you can do is...

Give him daily words of affirmation.

Touch him many times a day. On his neck, hands, back...

basic love things...

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:56 AM, June 8th (Friday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez...after reading the thread about sex confusion in reconciliation i can see that my sex life is truly in the toilet and has been for a long time. My H is a minute man and I pretty much never get there because it's over too quick. Not much foreplay either because he says that gets him too excited and then he's even quicker if that's possible? I try to make him feel better by saying its ok, but I guess that's wrong too. I've thought for a long time that the quickness was related to there being too much time in between (sometimes 3 weeks). When we have talked about it...that's what he gives for an answer or that he's too turned on by me. I'm starting to think its because he's just not that into me cause he's looking at porn every day and taking care of his own business.

Just something else that we need to work on I guess, but at this point I can't even have sex with him because when I even think about it...I get a disgusting vision of him having sexcapades with the OW.

I have always enjoyed sex and the closeness with my WH but must admit that sometimes I can take it or leave it because really I never get there, so what's the point? It hasn't always been that way...

Maybe I need a sex therapist or a new H? Sorry just good advice from me that's for sure.

Me/BS: 35
WH: 39
Together 12 years/ married 3 yrs
WH's affair 1 1/2 years
Kids: 1 DD, Another due Sept 2013
1st Dday Aug 1, 2011(our 2 yr wedding anniversary and discovery of sexting)
2nd Dday April 2012 (A was an EA and PA)
Status: R

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: BC, Canada
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Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's very difficult for a woman to enjoy sex when it's an exercise in years of sexual frustration and not worth losing sleep over. I'm not sure why some men do not try to do better, or research how to improve on this issue.

Women all the time read magazines to improve their home lives, sex lives.

How would your husband like it if you teased him into desire, then walked away? That's what he does whenever he has not attempted to learn how to make sex worthwhile for you.

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