I have read when a relationship can open up and be safe with these kinds of discussions, a whole new sexually experience begins.
We have trouble discussing sexual issues
It is my bet, your H does it way more often than what you beleive. He might even get offended if you tell him how often you do it. He might want to share the sex you give to yourself.
I thank you for being so open to me. I may have more questions for you if you don't mind.
Every normal man I know needs sex... and often.
This past week, my wife finally made a sexual remark to me. It came the day after a well planned romace that began at the beginning of the day.
IMO, her A had this element... It was attractive. They had to plan. When I was out of town, a meeting away from the office, things like that. It build sexual excitment in a womam. Heck, men are ready to go at any time. It seems to me that womem are not like that. They need woo'ing... time to think about it... stuff like that.
Anyway, my new value is I am going to have a better sexual relationship with my wife and my needs are going to be met.
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:34 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]
My values prevented me from seeking an A, but I wanted one and needed one. I shifted and focused on my job, friends, and myself. My sexuality never left me as I took care of myself.
I am trying to find a balance in my life so I can be sexually satisfied so stepping up how to be an attractive man for my wife. I want my wife to step it up but so far.. nothing.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:10 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]
Did that happen for you and your W?
I don’t believe I am attractive to my wife. She says I am an attractive man. But not to her.
I look at all the things I do, have done, and the man I am…..I live in the nicest house, we have nice things, I have a good families who loves my wife, I don’t have an single addiction, treat my wife with words of affirmations, compliments, give my wife quality time, everyday.. I allow her time to herself… I fix things around the house, do my own chores, I do my own things, golf, fishing etc.. I try to keep myself in fairly good shape, I am on two board’s serving the community, I have faith in God, I think I’ve learned how to forgive… All I need in return is a few rumbles in the sack a couple times a week. When I tell her what I want, it’s a NO, excuse, or “that’s not me” or whatever.
The problem I have with all this is that I know she is a sexual woman. She had sex with her OM 1-3 times a week while at the same time with me at least once per couple weeks. You think that is not sending me a message? My wife never initiates sex. Today, this sends me a message that I once never was concerned about.
I am intentionally starting conflicts in my marriage and I hope they do not end our marriage.
It has to be my wife's choice to want to fill my needs now. I feel she left me a long time ago but hangs on because I really do fill all her needs. I have never pushed her to fill my needs. Her OM would not have filled her total needs. He is a gambling drunk that has anger issues. Tall dark, rich and handsome though. So easy to come home and get away from OM during his ugly times. It's funny becasue after I found out, I told her to just go marry him. She said, He is not the marrying type. I guess I am the marrying type but just not the kind of man that a she wants to have sex with a few time a week. At least that is the way I see it now.
I am reading Dr. Laura's book the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands right now. The book club woman beat the heck out of Dr. Laura. I was going to say.. Maybe you should read this...
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:23 AM, May 4th (Friday)]
Of course you can PM me. I think our similarities are that my W feels the same as you. My wife says she wants the desire back. Our differences may be that I desire, have attractions, and want to have sex with my wife and treating her to the best of my ability. I’m not so sure your H is doing the same for you.
Yes, you might have had that “spark” for OM. But my bet is if you had a monogamous relationship with him only, it would die off after 3-4 years. See, we all have ugliness parts to us. That little annoying habit you did see because he was “part time”. In time, the words of affirmation just seem to fade. He was filling only one need and I am sure your H filling many other needs.
What can a BS do to be attractive to his W? It takes great effort by be me to get my W to seem very attracted to me sexually.
This is the kind of effort it takes from me. For example, I called her at work and told her to be ready to play when we get home. She bought us those sex cards a few years ago. You perform whatever is on the card. We had a couple glasses of wine then played poker, sequence, and domino’s… she won about every time so of course so I was the giver not the receiver. I know at the end of all that, she had some desire for me at that moment in time.
All that above seems to be fine, but experts say for a woman, it takes an emotional connection for her to desire a man. Not anything to do with the “games”.
Since November 2011, we have had three fights that I have thrown in my W’s face she had sex with her OM all the time, yet me, never initiation and me Chore sex. I am sure these fights do not help my wife feel desirable toward me. She does not feel safe. And now for the first time, I have had small times where that “desire” is leaving me.
It's too bad he is so selfish. He has a good woman who wants to have sex with him right at home, he just has no clue how to get it.
I have had sex with him just once since December which was right after I found out about OW #1. I was trying it out. It being sex to see if I could get any pleasure. I didn't enjoy it but I'm glad I did it. I cried after and that is the first time I have ever cried after sex. period. I was so exhausted emotionally that the hurt and pain just spilled out. He held me and that was so nice.
Little did I know there was OW #2 just a lurking in the background.
At this point....I have no desire for sex. I use to be super sexual. I was ready anytime and wanted it. I'd find myself in different positions just waiting for him to walk in the door. I'd wake up at 2am and begin to please him just because I knew he wanted me as bad. I bought endless toys and was willing to play for hours.
Here's the thing: when I'm hurt emotionally nothing can happen. Even in December I had to use lube because I just couldn't get into it.
Since finding out all the stuff he has done and lied about I"m good with pleasing myself, in my own room, with my own toys. He can do what he wants in his room but don't expect me to be a part of it. I'm done.
He has put me at risk on every level one can imagine. There is NOT a chance on the planet he will get to enjoy my sex ever again as far as I'm concerned.
Now then....where's my credit card for I need to order my new toy. LOL.
Honestly, I'm beyond pissed off at him still and I will be for a very long long. He has ruined parts of me that belonged to him alone and he took that and shit all over it. He didn't value me or my absolute trust and faith in him. At this point, I don't even know who I married.
Since a few days after D-day my WH has been on two different antidepressants at the same time. At the beginning for about 6 months and maybe more Hyper-bonding was occurring. Then ED issues began and I was told it was because of the Ad's, which I know medically/physically can occur. WH also told me he was having no sexual desires or drive because of the Ad's and he preferred to stay on them because it was the meds were helping with everything else. I was frustrated with this but completely understood...But since then WH has lied to me and has been viewing and masturbating to various kinds of porn on his phone...deleting it, telling me to my face he doesn't lie anymore etc... I have confronted him about this but I really don't get in concrete answers and he rug sweeps the issue. I don't know what to think ... Any thoughts would be great...His actions have really taken a blow on my self-esteem...
If your H is using Porn everyday, he has a huge issue. He is a bit lost right now knowing how to get his healthy sexual needs filled. In no way porn is more gratifying then sex with any woman! He is again breaking his marriage vow to you and God.
Here is what has been most effective for me…. You must now get some courage. You have a choice. If you cannot make this choice, then you cannot be helped.
I think your end game is divorcing him if you ever want a loving sexual relationship with a man. And believe me, if you can find a good man should you choose this route. But before you get there, you can help your H try and get healthy. IMO, You need to take a position of this is all about you. All your bitterness from his A must go. In your case, it sounds like you want to have sex so maybe you are good. Overcoming the pain for betrayal knocks the sex of a woman right out of them. Not so easy to overcome. Only you have control over your own brain. I have been taught that for a woman to want to have sex with a man, a critical aspect is she must completely feel safe.
If you want a more sexual relationship, I think you start initiating two things… planned conflicts and flirting behaviors.
I think you start with things like… very simple communications like… You start planting the seeds. It is critical you do not get rattled when you begin these conflict because mean things might get said. Do no concern yourself with those things.
Very very light conflict statements…
- I want to be in a sexual marriage. (nothing more said.. listen)
- Healthy marriages have sex (nothing more said.. listen)
- Ya know, sex together is much better then a picture or video.
Heavy Flirting behaviors
- those jeans look good on you honey…
- Sitting watching tv.. “this show makes me wet”
- Touch him on his neck
- A simple blow in his ear
- I imagine you know how to flirt! lol...
You might give this a couple months… I think you try some different flirting everyday… Do not initiate the sex act! It is the man’s job to initiate Sex. What type woman wants a feminized man? One who is not the purser? In a normal healthy sexual relationship, it can be both to initiate and should be. But for now, he must make the choice to desire you. But for now, you attract him.
As you progress in time, you start implementing slightly more conflict with consequences.
I want to be in a loving sexual marriage. I want you to initiate sex. (think of light consequences) I’m not going to allow you to see me naked…
And less flirting
Then to the heaviest conflict… I want a sexual relations, it is a breaking the vow to not be in a sexual relationship with me… and I am thinking about ending our marriage…. To eventually, I am ending our relationship.
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:58 AM, June 8th (Friday)]
I have NO drive for him at all. :(
Why would you? You don't feel safe.
If you did the best to please your man sexual, you did all you could do. Some men are just so selfish; nothing you can do will fill this man’s needs.
We both know your solution.
here are my thoughts...
AD are sex killers. Your H needs to figure out how to not be depressed. He must have an end game to the AD. They should only be used as a temp thing IMO. He must not allow himself to think as these drugs as the solution to his own lack of will.. Lack of confidence. He needs a good IC.
As his wife and if you have made a choice to stick with him, all you can do is...
Give him daily words of affirmation.
Touch him many times a day. On his neck, hands, back...
basic love things...
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:56 AM, June 8th (Friday)]
Just something else that we need to work on I guess, but at this point I can't even have sex with him because when I even think about it...I get a disgusting vision of him having sexcapades with the OW.
I have always enjoyed sex and the closeness with my WH but must admit that sometimes I can take it or leave it because really I never get there, so what's the point? It hasn't always been that way...
Maybe I need a sex therapist or a new H? Sorry just venting...no good advice from me that's for sure.
It's very difficult for a woman to enjoy sex when it's an exercise in years of sexual frustration and not worth losing sleep over. I'm not sure why some men do not try to do better, or research how to improve on this issue.
Women all the time read magazines to improve their home lives, sex lives.
How would your husband like it if you teased him into desire, then walked away? That's what he does whenever he has not attempted to learn how to make sex worthwhile for you.