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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feeling bi polar
I find that I can rarely find a desire to be sexual because I feel like he is only interested in sex and not the emotional or psychological bonding that we used to have.

I think you nailed it! No pun intended

Men take sex off the table and love the heck out of your woman... Then she will want to have sex with you!!!

Ok woman... So we men love you everyday by telling you how we really feel...

- appreciative
- say.. you are good looking to us.
- open the car door for you (be nice)
- gifts for you
- keep up the house (chores)
- dress well for you
- give you time with your friends
- love the kids
- talk
- be a solid community man
- Love God
- brave man
- hard working
- romantic


So, we do all that and you never say no? I don't think so. IMO, Woman just don't have the same sexual desire as a man.

But some woman seem to be "conditioned" to want to have sex often...

At 50, how do I get to that 15% that have sex every 2-3/week like the stats say below? I want to be those men.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:46 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
D!senchanted
♀ Member
Member # 25150
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh seems to always be interested in sex. I'm the problem.

I think there's something seriously wrong with me. I used to love to recieve oral when we dated--but he didn't do it very often. Now, i just feel embarrassed and exposed and disgusted if he tries is. I also end up with an infection. every. single. time!

I've still give him oral, but a part of me resents it. HE gets the pleasure but I get nothing.

But then, I should be used to that.

I have a hard time orgasming. When I was on ADs, it was impossible. And now I just can't even get in the mood at all! I'm so depressed about it.

Did i mention my kids? By the time they go to bed, fwh is in bed asleep too!

And I'm so angry. And frustrated. I'm racked with tension and can't ever get in the mood. I know fwh is very frustrated with not having sex.

AD are NOT the answer here. There's little to no libido on them either and absolutely no orgasm (once when we were in mid-coitus and I started getting into it, it built and then vanished; I hit my fist against the wall I was so pissed).

I don't know what to do


BS-31(at the time) (Me)
FWH(Brosef22)-32 (at the time) (EA & PA)
D-Day: 12-11-2008; The TRUTH: 10-28-09; 1 False R. Now in REAL R.
We have two beautiful boys and a precious little girl!
I edit because random letters tend to magically appear

Posts: 413 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: MO
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D!senchanted

It sounds like your H is not romancing you... Why not?

Is this your fault? This depends if you are allowing yesterday to ruin today.

Did he forget how? Is he lazy?

When was the last time he woo'd you?

What you do is say to your H.. "I am a woman who needs romancing. Now go learn how."

Why does a woman give her man a BJ with nothing in return? A value we all should have is that we both get pleasure out of sex. EVERYTIME! A man should know how to give you pleasure without risk of infection too ya know. Men can use the Silver Bullet! Just make sure it's spotless before use..

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:28 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG HOOO RAY

I didn't know this thread was here. I don't have much to add other then I am seriously debating spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. On the one hand it's ironic - I was a SA and had too much sex, then I was newly married and rising children and not having enough sex to suit my spouse. Then I work really hard on myself and find that it's an entirely different thing then I first thought. Now that I'm there, he won't come near me with a ten foot pole (no pun, sorry).

I swear it's my weight but he insists it's not even though all the reasons he used to give for wanting sex are now the same reasons he gives for not wanting to...

<exhale>

does the happy dance

At least i"m in good company


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smokenfire

You do know that on the list of healthy marriage is.... SEX.

So, you have a man who does not want sex. Humm...

what are the reasons HE give you?

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:16 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's tired (regardless of work day, day off, lots of sleep or no). He's stressed out - he used to use sex as stress reliever. He's worried. He's in pain. I am still recovering from major surgery I had in December and have pain daily.

He still looks at porn and he still takes care of his needs. I rarely "pressure" him for sex, until it gets to the point I feel like walking out the front door and doing the first person I see. I don't meant to be crass - having been a SA - my skin crawls when it gets that bad.


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smokenfire

Humm Porn vs a real woman.

Easy choice for me.

So you know about men... My wife is only about 115-120 lbs at 5 foot. Weight will never be an issue for me even if she got to be 200.

When you really love someone, weight has zero to do with it. I know that about many men I am friends with.

It seems to me it is always about how you attract and act.

So, what would happen if you said this to your H...

Honey, I think you can agree we both want to be as happy in our marriage as possible. You hitt'n it look at some hot fake chick does not turn me on. What if I was using Mr bullet every night, how would that make you feel? I want us to get back to when we made love to each other with some passion and fun. Let try and focus on each other for awhile.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I belong here 100% or not, but here goes...

My H seemed way more sexual and wrapped up in his A and OW than he has ever been with me. I have a very high sex drive and always have, even though I have only had 2 sexual partners in my entire life. My H used that against me as some lame excuse for his behavior and A - that I made him feel like a sex toy, that he needed to be in control, that he wanted to do what he wanted to do, and a bunch of other crap that really has no basis in reality at all.

He was jacking off to porn constantly, sex chatting with strangers, sexting OW, etc., etc. All while he had a perfectly willing, young, energetic, open-minded, sexual woman who wanted HIM. In real life!

I still don't get it to this day. And he still doesn't seem to want sex hardly at all (to me at least - once a week is almost nothing). He definitely has NEVER come close to texting me 60 or 70 times in one day, and he has barely done any "sexting" at all. Anything beyond "hey sexy, can't wait for you to get home" seems to be too erotic for him when it comes to me. What gives?


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know either what's up with that. Maybe in your case it's the madonna/whore complex - that seems more like what you are describing.

The only "good" thing I can about this is I've been a whole lot better about it then he ever was. I went six months had sex once, that wasn't worth the effort and know it's been a few weeks on top of that.

I am thinking this is a deal breaker to me - I mean if "love" is all people say it is (I have no clue) I would think that sex or some form of physical intimacy would be a pretty sizable part of that in a couple relationship.

I'll give it awhile more to see if he is in fact making an effort, but who knows. (And in my case, as the old timers will know, this will be the straw that broke the camels back)


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smokenfire... sex is the love of touch. No doubt in my mind, making love and sex are different... Sex is important in a marriage IMO. I will never be in a marriage with no sex unless my W is unable. It is a deal breaker for me. That's just me.

beautifulmess7.. sounds like a mess and not too beautiful. Sounds like to me your H is missing out on one good sex partner. I don't get it? why jerk off to porn when a great woman is home for you?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question exactly!!!

And my username is about me. I'm a mess right now but I keep reminding myself that I am strong and beautiful and will get through this.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smokenfire - Where can I find out more about this "madonna/ whore complex?" I have never heard of it & I really want to know more. How do you get past that?

Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no doubts that there are books about this - we've never had this issue. When that happens a man compartmentalizes all the other women in the world as whores (or at least the ones he WOULD have sex with) and his wife is above, better then more sacred then. I'm sure you can find books on amazon about this.


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
D!senchanted
♀ Member
Member # 25150
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard,

I'm not sure whats going on.

My fwh can't keep his hands off me. He lets me know how attractive he finds me all the time! He uses pretty words, sexual touches, he kisses, he pets...

And I cringe inside.

I think I developed an intimacy complex, so you may very well be right about letting the past ruin today...

It's not that I don't want him. I WANT to want him. I WANT to want sex again.


BS-31(at the time) (Me)
FWH(Brosef22)-32 (at the time) (EA & PA)
D-Day: 12-11-2008; The TRUTH: 10-28-09; 1 False R. Now in REAL R.
We have two beautiful boys and a precious little girl!
I edit because random letters tend to magically appear

Posts: 413 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: MO
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

!senchanted

I have been your H.

Your H is in this "SEX is love" mode and Sex is that important to a man as.. LOVE.
I placed way too much importance on sex and not who my wife was. It is very common for a man to have this.. Every time you have sex with your H, you are telling him how much you love him, his feelings of affirmations are HUGE.

I think your H needs to be affirmed is so great, he will manipulate you, trick you, and over-try to get you to have sex. It is his own mental need. I am sure he does not feel good about himself after sleeping with Satan. He needs you to affirm the heck out of him so he can feel safe.

And you? No doubt it IMO, a woman resents a NEEDY man. It’s like a kid wanting a sucker.. give me, give me, give me mom over and over.

Remember, touch is so very important.. If you can just enjoy his touch… But do not let your mind or your body lead this valuable touch to sex. Enjoy that moment in time just you and him. Next time he just grabs your tits, ass or vagina, you slowly move his hand back to a safe place.. I want to just enjoy you touching me this time without sex.

You might see some whiny man appear.

Tell him, and this man take many times.. “For me to really get into making love to you.. You need to Romance me. “.. he might say HOW.. Raise your tone and say… Go read a fucking book. No fighting about this.. Stand in his face and say nothing else or go about your activities for the normal day. You will be prepared with no anger, no feelings.. you are a woman who knows what the heck she is doing.

I think you are going to need to start having some conflicts. Conflicts are good to resolve sex issue. Rule: Never allow your man to think MAKE UP SEX! Does that really work for a woman?

What is his stature in society? Does he make you feel pride? Or is he some lazy man who never does anything around the house? Never completes jobs? You might have more work to do and communicate in a safe way to guide him to be a more masculine man. Heck, maybe you have him trained to be a puss?


My W knocked me out of my needy mode a couple months ago. It is amazing how we are now just starting to really enjoy each other.. I thought I could share things I’ve learned on this thread…

Peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:15 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the one who has difficultly, off and on, in our marriage. Different reasons at different stages of our lives. At one point, resentment held me back. Now, it's more of a health and self-image thing.

An aside:

I've read a lot of posts on this thread but didn't see two things that are hugely more common than some realize.

1. Some men aren't attracted to women past a certain age. Harsh to know, and that's why a spouse will never tell his wife. Ever. A woman who ages past whatever age they spent fantasizing about since they were young won't interest them, even their wives they may love but not be attracted to sexually. They look at you and think "old teacher" or "old mom or aunt." Surprisingly, some men (and some women I suppose, although women tend to like older men) have an extremely narrow range of age preferences, and not just being turned off by a middle-aged or gray-haired wife. Some like only college-age girls, for example, and are unable to perform with a gorgeous wife of 30. It's not exactly as if these guys are quite pedophiles, since being into girls who are 22-27 is legal. But it's creepier as the men age and flirt with their granddaughters' friends.

2. If you're young, and your husband is young and not wanting sex with you, then please consider this: Bisexuality now leaning more toward full-out gay or lesbian.

I am not an expert on this subject by any means. But life experience has taught me that bisexual men attracted to women tend to lean more toward the same-sex side as they grow older. It may be that they were "fully" gay all along, but in denial and could manage to be attracted when the wife was young. Some men who are gay but prefer to call themselves bi, can be temporarily attracted to a woman but that attraction fades.

It's said to be one reason a well-known actor rumored to be in the closet has change women in his life every few years. A new woman makes him feel straight and "cured." He's in denial, or thinks it's possible to be fully straight, no more desires for guys, by meeting "the one." But once the newness sets into routine with the new relationship, he's back to guys until he convinces himself he's straight again by meeting a different woman who interests him for two or three years before he turns off.

There are also people who are bi who can be faithful, I'm told, and fall for the person. But I would think there are some who tend to need to act out on attractions of both sides, just as there are heterosexuals who act out sexually for variety.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:29 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the insight. Having said that, "ouch". I think this is part if not all of my issue, he' just not attracted to me and he's not dumb enough to admit it - I've asked (nicely and sometimes not)to no avail. I think for my sanity sake I am going to step back and see what happens and make my decisions then. He knows the stakes, he's been told, the ball is firmly in his court now. (No pun intended actually)


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling way sad, it's thursday as I mentioned before, and nothing I did not even bring it up :(

In his defense, we got his domestic relations papers today for the kid we have in treatment (placed by juvenile probation) they want more money then we have to give. My online sales are growing (60.00) this week. But dam.


<insert REALLY sad face here>


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
Bellechica
♀ Member
Member # 35159
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smokenfire, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know that it affects your feelings of attractiveness as a woman.
I have have sex "issues" with my H which are now complicated further because of my As.
I "self serve" a lot and I wonder how my H can go so long without sex and I don't think he has sex elsewhere or that he masturbates. He just seems like he can go a LONG time without it.....

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bellechica... an interesting question you should ask your H... How often do you Masterbate?

Let us know what he says.. will his answer be with his "mask" or "true self"?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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