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Newest Member: DisappointedDude (43160)

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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more note. My WH avoids intimacy which started before OW#1. It's on and off. We do have periods of reconnecting and we did have some HB after OW #1 and MOW #2. The problem I have with his "reasons" is he manages to work out at the gym, do yard work, do sports with our kids,pet the dog, etc. He truly does have body aches due to arthritis, but doesn't allow that to stop any other area of his life. It just feels like a slap in the face and that I am the bottom priority. Warning TMI coming here: I have approached the subject of him meeting my needs even when HE is not in the mood. NOPE...doesn't do that, but it's okay if I do that for HIM. My libido is higher than ever, but in the past during child bearing years, monthly cycle, etc. I was always happy to "take care of" him. Still am. One more TMI-he is now disgusted by my "woman's monthly bill" and will not touch me during that time. During the years we dated and prior to children, that didn't used to be an issue at all. I could accept that now as long as long as he would show more empathy the rest of the time. His "actions" just feel very passive aggressive right now. As a matter of fact, I need to read up on THAT thread, too.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He truly does have body aches due to arthritis, but doesn't allow that to stop any other area of his life. It just feels like a slap in the face and that I am the bottom priority. Warning TMI coming here: I have approached the subject of him meeting my needs even when HE is not in the mood. NOPE...doesn't do that, but it's okay if I do that for HIM.

Ditto.

Once I gave up asking - and usually not getting any - and if I did it was problems with an erection (even WITH viagra), leading to him finishing but not me... - there's literally been no sex at all for almost a year now.

We've been M since 2006 - probably had sex less than 20 times. Yep, he's a real prize :(


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
6M$Man
♂ Member
Member # 8344
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last couple years of my marriage, things were pretty cold at home for both of us.

Once I discovered what was going on, I pretty much shut down. I wasn't interested. Nor was she. If all the stars aligned correctly, we could maybe have a sexual encounter once a month, but even at that, I just wasn't "into it" anymore.

Even a vacation in the Caribbean didn't reignite anything. We were just physically done with each other. Six months after vacation, we had sex again, and it was the most awkward, disturbing sex I have ever had. I couldn't even stay til the end to see how it turned out.

Since the decision to divorce, I haven't had the slightest urge. That's been...6 months.

At this point, I don't know that I can be convinced that sex is for anything other than trying to manipulate, coerce, control, modify behavior, reward, punish. Harumpf.


Many people in this world are one minuscule notch above knuckle dragging and flinging feces at each other.

Posts: 1663 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Iowa
MtnMama
♀ Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been married 7 years and our sex life has never been great. It was better when we were dating. He would tell me so many things he DIDN'T want and nothing that he did want. Seems like oral is the only thing he does like. I've given up pretty much initiating anything and he certainly doesn't try. His problem is my weight (supposedly). I resent it when he has come in from gigs all horny and tries to start something. I know it's because of someone dancing etc. at the gig. He occasionally will try if he's been looking at porn. What a turn off.

He blames me for a lack of sex. He gives the excuse that he didn't feel like "he could seal the deal" and medical issues as a reason for no sex. I feel like a total piece of ugly shit. I'm thinking if getting a stiffy was a REAL problem, he'd persued some viagra and not chasing women. I bet he does get a HO by watching porn. Or fanticising about someone. I kinda got a feeling that it's not a problem then. Ass wipe


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
analystfromhell
♂ New Member
Member # 33086
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 22nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just a month post EA (her's not mine) and while there was a brief 2wk respite in the sexlessness, it's back. We didn't have sex for at least six months before the EA and even then it was boring and she wasn't into it. I do feel I'm more than affectionate enough and pursue a lot of contact both physical and verbal. She just doesn't seem interested.

She doesn't initiate even when I send pretty obvious signals. When I initiate, which I've more or less stopped trying to do, it's either a not interested or more like a submission than actual interest.

I'm fed up with it- it's likely just the result of a bad relationship but really, it gives me no incentive to pursue things relationship wise if I feel it's just going to be sexless regardless of what else happens good or bad.

M: 49
H: 38
No kids (2 by me from prior)


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
hopefulnyc
♀ Member
Member # 27273
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by hopefulnyc at 12:09 AM, August 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2010
2CYYY
♂ Member
Member # 18240
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping... Anybody out there still dealing with this or is it just me, now? Did somebody find a solution and I missed it, or what? Come on; don't leave me hanging, share with a brother!


me - BS 43
her - fWS 42
12 y/o D
M 17 years until 6 mo EA w/two-night-stand
D-days starting 10/20/06 with ongoing TT and false/broken NC thereafter

Trying to R and pretend it never happened, which isn't working out as well as you might expect!


Posts: 96 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Halfway Between Anywhere and Everywhere
EmptyMind
♂ New Member
Member # 35020
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are getting colder and colder by the month. It's not looking good for me.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2012
Alwaysknew
♀ Member
Member # 34808
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the BS and FWS/WS was never really a sexual person. He was DX with diabetes 7 yrs ago and low testostorone 12 yrs ago. All he ever did was ask for Levitra (which during A had to be purchased at cash prices ) because I knew how many were in the bottle. And for testostorne was prescribed a patch for the upper thigh that he used for all of a week.

The extremely low sex drive. Im talking MONTHS between, and me being turned down (pre A) is what f**** with me sometimes. Any thoughts>


BW 32
WH 36


Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: United States
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and I absolutely loved sex. Sex to me is the most fun two people can have together. We had a great sex life or so I thought. I am a little bit more open to try things then he is except doing it with another person.
Once we were in a committed relationship I have stayed faithful, even to this day I am.

After finding out about his A we did the HB and after that AI tried to get him to be more explorative.That didn't happen. At first sex was just that sex and then I realizex I could have that type of sex life with anybody on the street. I wanted the sex and the emotions to be something special between us. It's not because that 3rd person sneaks into either his or my mind at different times and it happens during sex a lot. Best way to avoid the thoughts is to avoid sex or start life over with a new partner.


Me

Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
Bellechica
♀ Member
Member # 35159
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new on here and I cheated on my husband. I'm not looking for sympathy but I want to make marriage work....I got tired of initiating and since we have agreed to work on our M the first few days were better but now it's feeling like he isn't interested again.....that hurts

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
Escape artist
♀ Member
Member # 34804
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS starts off ok, then it just goes south from there....
He says it's because he wants to please me and feels worried he won't be able to. I do have a high sex drive I suppose but it didn't used to bother him prior to DDay.
Last night was bad. He couldn't manage it when I was into it, but when I said don't think about me.....guess what??. Yep...bingo. Suddenly all ok. Apparently it's the "me" in the equation that is the issue. Not malfunction on his part.
He also admitted that he wasnt looking for "better" sex in his A's, just "different"...

So....I can't be more than one person so have no idea how to deal with that one....

So in a nutshell he can do it as long as he isn't thinking about me.
Nice.
FML


I gave you enough rope to hang yourself.
Me BS 48
Him WS 54
False DDay 06/02/12
3 simultaneous EA's
Multiple DDays thru till 16th April 2012
Disclosed PA 16th April 2012
Reality- alot sicker than I realized .......

Posts: 202 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Bellechica
♀ Member
Member # 35159
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Escape Artist that's so sad. I'm sorry that's happened. When I get turned down it just fuels my self esteem. My exAP couldn't believe my H could be in bed with me each night and not háve sex. They were so different than my husband....so aggressive and take charge. If I don't initiate then it doesn't happen with my H. I think maybe he feels pressured by me like it's all about the climax. I'm trying a different approach now....just hugging and being close. I think there is something to be said for just holding each other. You know? I also know that there is no way to compare the intimacy of an M with the sex in an A. I think the A itself fuels the rush and turned me on but it's not REAL! It's not sustainable....I think thinking about a deeper love with my H is what is comforting. I'm trying not to focus on the sex. Baby steps....

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
Fathful123
♀ Member
Member # 34867
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the BS, when I returned home after assignment away, I was REALLY looking forward to hot, crazy sex! Then, 3 weeks after return home, D-Day....we've had sex maybe 6 times since D-Day, 8 months ago. The last time, we did, I shared with WS how I often regretted it when we had sex since the A. This last time, he made a stupid comment, that's when I share how something usually happens to make me regret being intimate with him.
I still have very strong desires, and the sad part, once I only desired him. Now....I just have the desire.


DDay-7/11/2011
Me(51)
WS(54)with ED!!!!
OW- 49, big manly looking, Amazon looking Ho ; works with federal government but in different state
Several EAs and one oovoo recorded masturbation chat!
We have been Married 18 years
3 kids youngest 17

Posts: 78 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Northern Virginia
healing4us2
♂ Member
Member # 34998
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by healing4us2 at 7:51 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 59 | Registered: Mar 2012
westerly
♂ Member
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dallas2 I disagree- my own opinion is that you get out of it what you put in. My own experience as a BH has been that sex post d-day often didn't work out (I'd have a mind movie, and lose my erection and/or desire), and wasn't frequent. Open and honest conversation the next day, after having some time to think about it, let us both talk about what happened and why, and what could be done to avoid the same issue next time. It's led to a slow but consistent increase in both the frequency and successful attempts at sex. It's such a sensitive subject that early on there was always hurt feelings- keeping bad feelings from turning into new resentments is a challenge.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the 8 years we were together, sex has always been this terrible ritual of her avoiding arousal at all costs. I'd get maybe 5 minutes of missionary-only and if she started to get aroused, it was over. If I initiated and she was aroused at all, there was no way it would happen that night. If we started with her unaroused and she became aroused, she'd run for the bathroom and sit in there for 15-20-30 minutes until she could come back out, etc. etc. Wasted a lot of condoms that way as they would slip off while I sat on the bed waiting for her return... then have to start all over again.

After my 5 minutes (which might take WEEKS of nightly initiating to get in that perfect zone where she could stick it out), it would be another month, two months or three months to get another 5 minutes.

Of course, in her affairs, she just jumps in bed and screws like wild, oral sex, different positions, no condoms and he ejaculates inside her. All the chat logs of excruciating detail of her desired sex with him for months between... boy, talk about contrast.

Arousal and orgasm for her is just something she reserves for diseased douche bags, I guess.

I read a reply earlier about how the WS says that "I'm trying!" nonsense, which she does now. What she is trying is beyond me since all she ever does is post on the internet or call her mother and say I never initiated with her and never made her feel sexually desired. So I guess persistently trying to initiate sex with her EVERY NIGHT for months, buying her outfits and constantly telling her how much I want to make love to her daily is sexual rejection.. LOL.

[This message edited by MediumRare at 12:57 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
feeling bi polar
♀ Member
Member # 31086
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK here My FWH seems to have a high libido. when we were first together we did it all the time. I felt loved appreciated and desireable.

Fast forward to post A his drive is still very high but he has had ongoing issues with ED. he has been diagnosed as pre diabetic and takes metformin for that.

My drive has taken a nose dive to being nearly non existant. I find my mind wandering and anger at his choices an A which have given me a gift that keeps on giving. I find that I can rarely find a desire to be sexual because I feel like he is only interested in sex and not the emotional or psychological bonding that we used to have.

He is feeling rejected and makes comments about me not being as intimate or that our sex life is not like it used to be. DUH...

It seems to me that there will always be others in our relationship because of the results of his A.... we now have to deal with addtional financial hardships from his having to pay CS for OC and medical issues that werent there before from the VD that he got from the OW and graciously gave to me.


In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on. —Robert Frost

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: VA
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW was never very interested in sex, although she claimed to love sex. Her actions were otherwise, lots of excuses, lots of non-responding, lots of rejection. She'd had many partners before me, extreme promiscuity, many more than I believed even, and I understood there had been a lot of them before I met her but had no idea what the true number was. All this resulted from sex abuse and the fallout of it not being treated.

OTOH, I love sex, absolutely love it, multiple positions, long and languorous with foreplay and patience, quickies, massages, etc. I've seriously wanted to shag every attractive woman I've met. But, I've only had three partners, and I've never cheated despite multiple opportunities.

So the affair was extremely hurtful, after all the rejection, and her telling me what she had done.

We went through a lot of HB sex, she was wanting to do things that she wouldn't do before, to somehow make it up to me.

Now, two years out, our sex life is dead again.

I'm the only man who has ever been able to give her an orgasm, but the problem is that true intimacy is an everlasting struggle for her. She gained that in the last two years as she began talking, but now she doesn't seem to have the willpower or ability to continue it.

She says that she finds me sexually attractive, but she doesn't act on it because of how she feels about herself in that department.

No matter what I tell her, no matter what I say, she doesn't believe me. She believed the OM, at least initially, the affair was a huge ego boost (for her and him...not for me).


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

standinghere

I think you fill some of your wife’s needs, but you lack in many areas. Take the point of view this is your problem and get off the wife needs fixing. This is not about your “sex performance”. Every woman is built to want sex more frequently than you believe.

I am a strong believer that sex is love for a man and not for a woman. She needs a whole bunch of other things. So, you are not meeting those needs. Work hard now to try and figure out how.

Most men need sex every couple days where woman once a month. But a woman can have sex everyday when you can connect with her mind. Attract her!

Things you must have...
- Masculinity - Has your wife house trained you to do her chores? What "men" things do you do? What is your status in society? You a “stand up” kinda man?
- How about being hard worker? EVERYTIME. Being lazy is not attractive
- A must! Affirm her everyday. Affirm her in different ways. "I appreciate" I "thank you" You are "nice" "beautiful" and the hundreds of ways to tell your wife she is…A good wife in every different way. This must be done everyday. EVERYDAY.
- More everyday, touch her everyday. Greet with kiss. Kiss her with passion every few days, 3 or 4 non sexual touches….
- Are you good a conflict? Resolving conflict in a loving way.
- You must be positive and lead her into a positive directions.
- Can you lead your wife? Lead her into knowing that she should want to have sex with you. NOT MUST HAVE sex with you, but she wants to have sex with you.
- Is your wife feeling bad about her? You need to help her feel forgiven, feel it is ok to have sex.
- Your wife needs your total approval. She nees to feel safe in every way around you.
- Romance her! NO more quickies. Sometimes that begins early in the day. Be creative! Games, trips, etc.
- You must totally live in TODAY. Place her A in a spot and control yourself.
- Allow God to be first. Then your wife second.

You also need to search on how to be attractive man… then change yourself. You will see then.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:10 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]


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