It took me a long time for me to realize that I was normal, that it was fine to be just the way I am.
Since the EA/PA, my desire to try and meet my WS halfway has disappeared.
It is a terrible dynamic and getting worse.
[This message edited by hopefulnyc at 2:49 AM, July 1st (Friday)]
<warning may be TMI below>
Several weeks ago I said we should schedule sex. He said he doesn't like that. Said if we didn't do it in the next two weeks we could start scheduling. Of course two weeks passed and no sex, so I brought it up again. He said we would do it that weekend...and then of course Aunt Flo hit.
Curious to see if anything happens this weekend. I specifically am wanting him to initiate.
Everything else is going great for us other than the sex.
I was always available, too - emotionally and physically. I was very affectionate, gave him lots of compliments and kissed him all the time. I tried to be playful and make loving jokes about us having sex.
I never got what I was looking for. Never got what I needed from him. The intimacy died and so did our marriage. My WH was suffering from panic attacks, bouts of depression and began overeating (I was blamed for his weight gain many times)
This turned into a pity party for him. About a year ago, is when I believe he began acting out on the internet so he could feel better about himself.
So sad, because I was there all along. I was his greatest cheerleader - his biggest fan.
I felt so sad when I read your post about making the statement at work and everyone laughing. My H and I at times go out with friends and there is joking about "getting some" from their wife, or other things and I used to laugh about it, but now it just makes me sad because we used to joke as well...but now we are both silent.
I'm not sure what is going on when our H's say they are trying. Mine seems to always say he was thinking we would have sex right after I bring it up...but I believe he is says it because he thinks that is what I want to hear and it never ends up happening. Last time he said it was hard to do it because of the pressure because I keep bringing it up so I stopped bringing it up and we still haven't had sex.
Since his A we have had sex one time and that is only because I gave him an ultimatum. So we have had sex one time in 3 years. Before his A we had problems in that I did not have a high libido..so when he had his A and told me how important sex was to him I would have thought he would have been over the moon about me saying I wanted to really work on our sex life. He used to want sex every night and now nothing.
I worry that if he ever gets around to wanting to start up our sex life again that I will be too resentful. I also worry because in all the things I have read, the longer you go the harder it is to recover your sex life.
This really makes me sad.
But I'll never have that drug to offer. I can't give her that. Ever.
So now what?
It's all gone...and it's my body's fault. I apologize profusely to FWH, he is understanding and is very patient. Sometimes we try, but it just doesn't work for me, so we resort to manual completion. (TMI??)
I have NO libido, and sex is too painful, thanks to a combination of having a hysterectomy for ovarian cancer in 2003, followed by menopause, inability to use estrogen because of the cancer, and then now am on an estrogen blocking drug after a lumpectomy of the right breast last year. That pretty much nailed the coffin right there.
My greatest fear in life (besides the cancers returning) is that FWH will once again resort to finding sexual satisfaction "elsewhere".
The next morning we tried again a couple more times but this time he was unable to perform because he was anticipating my next breakdown.
I want to keep trying, any advise for keeping tears in check or easing WH's fear of said tears?
When we got back together, I was weary but she was pushy and treated me like gold. I was resistant but she continued to pursue, and I saw her actions as love. After a while, I felt smothered and she felt like I owed her something for all she gave me. She would buy me beer and fix me dinner and massage me. After we married, she continued to do these things to win me, and it wasn't necessary. I love her. She became resentful. She didn't do nice things out of love but out of obligation, and she felt she deserved something in return. She began bossing me around, constantly expecting something in return like she was entitled. It was a give and take relationship to her- a 'fairness' factor. I want a give and give relationship- one where we give without expectation. I became angry, feeling abused and used, like a trophy husband used for sex and chores. I lost interest in sex completely.
She blames me for our 'distance' and cited that for a reason for her sexting EA. I have been so confused as a BS and have realized my own resentment. I feel like I am sending mixed signals of anger and lust. I have been filled with passion since her EA, and my now WS and the friends she talks to translated my 'spark' as jealousy or as a turned-on response to her infidelity.
She began the EA 12 days ago, and I found out 8 days ago. Regardless of my turmoil, she continued the EMA and wrote in her diary (after I accidentally discovered the EA, I don't value her privacy like I always have) that she didn't care about my feelings. She also wrote that she plans to have physical sexual contact when she visits his hometown again, and she doesn't know that I read that yet, and continues to tell me that she only has eyes for me now.
I am so horny and physically attracted to my WS, but so angry still. So confused. When should I tell her that I read her texts and diary? At this point I know she'll take it even more underground.
So he is saying it is over with the OW but she keeps trying to contact him.
So any WS, my parents want me to wait until test results are in before I set my needs. Thoughts???
Up til now our sex life has been good, if a little "vanilla". With my low drive, it has always taken a while to get me to the finish. Rarely would I climax with just vaginal intercourse. Now he has problems with his hands that cannot sustain prolonged action. Which means he cannot do the repetive motion I need for an O with his hands. In additon, while he still gets an erection, it is hard for him to sustain it during position changes. He frequently gets too soft unless I give him oral during that time. He is resistant to seeing a dr for ED meds. Although I intend to bring it up at his next appointment.
I have lately taken things in my own "hands" just so I won't be left out. Because it bothers him when I don't come. We have also tried a few toys as well. Only we have found them to be somewhat clumsy and hard to handle (no pun intended). Either that or we just don't know what the hell we're doing. Geez. He is 53 and I am 46. You would think we wouldn't have any problems in this department.
As for as sex with OW was. Well he says it wasn't good. That he didn't enjoy it at all. But, is he really going to tell me (his BW) the truth about that? They had sex about 8 or 9 times before ending the PA. He swears he never went directly from me to her or vice versa. But again would he truly admit something like that?
So, in addition to my already low drive, his hands and ED problems, I now have to get past the images in my mind of him having sex with her. To be honest, sometimes I could care less if we ever had sex again. I know that since his a, we have made love only once. The other times was merely sex. That intimate connection is just no longer easily attainable for me. I told him once that he sure chose the right way to hurt me. Right where I am most vuneralble, my sexuality. Which means I still have a lot of anger which doesn't help.
So, any great wisdom, suggestions, or advice?
[This message edited by isadora1985 at 12:34 PM, August 14th (Sunday)]