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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
♀ Member
Member # 30158
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My libido is naturally and normally low. Always has been.

It took me a long time for me to realize that I was normal, that it was fine to be just the way I am.

Since the EA/PA, my desire to try and meet my WS halfway has disappeared.

It is a terrible dynamic and getting worse.

me: BW 41
him: WH 41
married 9 years, together 17
2 great kids, both under 4

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 27273
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by hopefulnyc at 2:49 AM, July 1st (Friday)]

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sex in my marriage has never been frequent and has always been too 'vanilla'..
before the A hed rather drink and smoke pot all night and the combo renders him slightly unable to throw a good bang so to speak..
post A he doesnt even attempt..i even bought dirty movies and some fun seeming of the stuff is still in the package..i refuse to beg..still has some substance issues ..he now smokes that herbal inscense and it i think affects his ability and desire...also my dr said no more babies .. and my h says he hates condoms and thats what kills his boner..who go thru hassel of getting on the pill but i dont imagine that really would change tired of putting the effort and it goes untapped..i keep thinking if i lose weight and go tanning maybe hed b more apt..who knows..but yeah i belong in this lonely hearts club too

(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 429 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 31684
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really painful area for me as I was basically abandoned sexually (no more "birthday sex" for me ever) for several years and nothing has really changed in the last 12 months since DDay.

WS Him
Together almost 10 years, married 5.5, wandering since 2.5 years in our relationship, or at least looking and then wandering after though not exactly sure when, many NSAs, so many lies, says wandered online for first 3-/+ years and onl

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone out there? Still no sex life for us...though FWH sayshe wants to but is just tired. How can you be tired for years?

<warning may be TMI below>

Several weeks ago I said we should schedule sex. He said he doesn't like that. Said if we didn't do it in the next two weeks we could start scheduling. Of course two weeks passed and no sex, so I brought it up again. He said we would do it that weekend...and then of course Aunt Flo hit.

Curious to see if anything happens this weekend. I specifically am wanting him to initiate.

Everything else is going great for us other than the sex.

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Box of Rain
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Member # 32345
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My M has been sexualy void for 2 years where we would only make love every few months.

I was always available, too - emotionally and physically. I was very affectionate, gave him lots of compliments and kissed him all the time. I tried to be playful and make loving jokes about us having sex.

I never got what I was looking for. Never got what I needed from him. The intimacy died and so did our marriage. My WH was suffering from panic attacks, bouts of depression and began overeating (I was blamed for his weight gain many times)

This turned into a pity party for him. About a year ago, is when I believe he began acting out on the internet so he could feel better about himself.

So sad, because I was there all along. I was his greatest cheerleader - his biggest fan.

Box of Rain~
ME: BS, 35 HIM: WH, 33
Married 3.5 yrs, together 5 yrs
0 children
D-Day 5/24/11
Countless online indifelities, porn addict and possible SA
S 6/4/11 D - coming soon
"My religon is very simple. My religon is kindness." Dalai Lama

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2011
Box of Rain
♀ New Member
Member # 32345
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - I, too would really like to get some real, honest feedback from the WS's out there who have been on the other side.

Box of Rain~
ME: BS, 35 HIM: WH, 33
Married 3.5 yrs, together 5 yrs
0 children
D-Day 5/24/11
Countless online indifelities, porn addict and possible SA
S 6/4/11 D - coming soon
"My religon is very simple. My religon is kindness." Dalai Lama

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i havent gotten laid since my last post here weeks ago..not even once

(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 429 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
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Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Simply Sad
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Member # 18065
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad to say that I, too, am a member of this horrible club. July will be our 2 year anniversary-of no sex, that is. He is the one who cheated, and he is the one who avoids me at all costs. I used to ask about it and I would get the "I've been trying" answer-what he was trying, I'll never know. We went on a trip to London last July after a year of no sex, and I thought it might happen then. We talked about it, I got the "we can do it" answer, I took a short bath, came to bed, and he was asleep. That was the end of it. I am not going to beg...I am the only one who was asking about it, and I'm not asking anymore. To be honest, at this point, I doubt I would even be interested. We have a roommate relationship now. The second long peck on the lips goodbye in the morning and the same at night. No hand holding, no kissing that means anything, nothing. I have actually moved out to the couch to protect myself-just can't stand the rejection anymore. I have a muscle disease which makes it impossible for me to work any more than part time, and to be honest, if I were able to work full time again and support myself and my daughters, I would be out of this. He is the type that will never talk about anything-grew up in a family that never mentioned the "elephant" in the room. I noticed he is going to a urologist every 6 months and asked him why. Got a very shifty answer. Asked him if anything serious were wrong if he would tell me about it, and he said yes...that was the end of any conversation. I suspect he has ED, but I think if he would let me know that it might make my feelings of rejection better. I don't understand any of this, and I didn't sign up for any of this. Sorry this is so mixed up-I have too many feelings to write down and make much sense. Just wanted to say thanks for listening and it does help to know I'm not the only one out there in this situation...wish it weren't so...I made a comment at work that "no one has seen me naked in 2 years"-pretty sad, huh? Everyone laughed like it was funny, but it certainly isn't.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, I am withholding because he uses it as a way not to talk. He wont be vulnerable with me when I am really upset, wont really get down beyond the basic day to day stuff. I need his heart, I need honesty, I need him to really be remorseful, he keeps using sex as a bandaide and then just falls asleep and leaves me there feeling used.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

simply sad...

I felt so sad when I read your post about making the statement at work and everyone laughing. My H and I at times go out with friends and there is joking about "getting some" from their wife, or other things and I used to laugh about it, but now it just makes me sad because we used to joke as well...but now we are both silent.

I'm not sure what is going on when our H's say they are trying. Mine seems to always say he was thinking we would have sex right after I bring it up...but I believe he is says it because he thinks that is what I want to hear and it never ends up happening. Last time he said it was hard to do it because of the pressure because I keep bringing it up so I stopped bringing it up and we still haven't had sex.

Since his A we have had sex one time and that is only because I gave him an ultimatum. So we have had sex one time in 3 years. Before his A we had problems in that I did not have a high when he had his A and told me how important sex was to him I would have thought he would have been over the moon about me saying I wanted to really work on our sex life. He used to want sex every night and now nothing.

I worry that if he ever gets around to wanting to start up our sex life again that I will be too resentful. I also worry because in all the things I have read, the longer you go the harder it is to recover your sex life.

This really makes me sad.

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
♀ Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i STILL havent gotten any since my last time posting in this thread...i dont try not gonna beg him

(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 429 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
♂ Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such a sad thread. So much potential joy wasted. I see AD meds blamed a lot for low libido, and I get that. But what I can't process is that she was on them then too, and it didn't slow her down a whit, seemingly. I guess the affair drug really is that strong, and I get that too, as sucky as it is.

But I'll never have that drug to offer. I can't give her that. Ever.

So now what?

Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
♀ Member
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None, nada, zip.

It's all gone...and it's my body's fault. I apologize profusely to FWH, he is understanding and is very patient. Sometimes we try, but it just doesn't work for me, so we resort to manual completion. (TMI??)

I have NO libido, and sex is too painful, thanks to a combination of having a hysterectomy for ovarian cancer in 2003, followed by menopause, inability to use estrogen because of the cancer, and then now am on an estrogen blocking drug after a lumpectomy of the right breast last year. That pretty much nailed the coffin right there.

My greatest fear in life (besides the cancers returning) is that FWH will once again resort to finding sexual satisfaction "elsewhere".

Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm afraid our sex life is ruined for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately I started triggering like crazy during frisky time with WH and I burst into a puddle of tears. Twice in one night.

The next morning we tried again a couple more times but this time he was unable to perform because he was anticipating my next breakdown.

I want to keep trying, any advise for keeping tears in check or easing WH's fear of said tears?

Posts: 2963 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
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Member # 32877
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, July 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first was together with my now wife, the sex was great and I was a dominant in the relationship. She was getting over some emotional trauma, and we decided to call it off.

When we got back together, I was weary but she was pushy and treated me like gold. I was resistant but she continued to pursue, and I saw her actions as love. After a while, I felt smothered and she felt like I owed her something for all she gave me. She would buy me beer and fix me dinner and massage me. After we married, she continued to do these things to win me, and it wasn't necessary. I love her. She became resentful. She didn't do nice things out of love but out of obligation, and she felt she deserved something in return. She began bossing me around, constantly expecting something in return like she was entitled. It was a give and take relationship to her- a 'fairness' factor. I want a give and give relationship- one where we give without expectation. I became angry, feeling abused and used, like a trophy husband used for sex and chores. I lost interest in sex completely.

She blames me for our 'distance' and cited that for a reason for her sexting EA. I have been so confused as a BS and have realized my own resentment. I feel like I am sending mixed signals of anger and lust. I have been filled with passion since her EA, and my now WS and the friends she talks to translated my 'spark' as jealousy or as a turned-on response to her infidelity.

She began the EA 12 days ago, and I found out 8 days ago. Regardless of my turmoil, she continued the EMA and wrote in her diary (after I accidentally discovered the EA, I don't value her privacy like I always have) that she didn't care about my feelings. She also wrote that she plans to have physical sexual contact when she visits his hometown again, and she doesn't know that I read that yet, and continues to tell me that she only has eyes for me now.

I am so horny and physically attracted to my WS, but so angry still. So confused. When should I tell her that I read her texts and diary? At this point I know she'll take it even more underground.

Me: 30 BS
She: 29 WS

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Westminster, CO
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Member # 32452
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This week I met my WH to talk, I asked him to meet me outside our home. I told him I am having serious doubts and wanted to know what was going on with him. He told me he just came from a Drs appt and had lots of lab work. They are looking for low testosterone (he is just over 50)and other hormone issues. His symptoms of not sleeping, no drive, low or non existant sex drive, fatigue, no interests in anything, anxiety, depression. He also told me he is making an appt. with a therapist to deal with his issues. This is big, he has refused to even discuss this.
So anyone else go through this? He moved home and is becoming more involved in our household, our boys and talking once again about doing projects around the house. He kissed me, hugs me every once in a while but other than that, nothing! He brought up his low libido to me several times. This coming from a very fit man who at one time wanted it every waking moment.

So he is saying it is over with the OW but she keeps trying to contact him.

So any WS, my parents want me to wait until test results are in before I set my needs. Thoughts???

Me 50, WH 50
OW 52, looks older and fake, not worth a 2nd look.
Married 24 years, together 27 years
3 sons,
DDay May 2011
DDay#2 Oct 2011,
Separated for a month, asked to move home, in R and it has its ups and downs but it is now more limbo

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Member # 29097
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am have always been the one with a low sex drive. Now FWH is starting to have some ED issues.

**TMI** warning:

Up til now our sex life has been good, if a little "vanilla". With my low drive, it has always taken a while to get me to the finish. Rarely would I climax with just vaginal intercourse. Now he has problems with his hands that cannot sustain prolonged action. Which means he cannot do the repetive motion I need for an O with his hands. In additon, while he still gets an erection, it is hard for him to sustain it during position changes. He frequently gets too soft unless I give him oral during that time. He is resistant to seeing a dr for ED meds. Although I intend to bring it up at his next appointment.

I have lately taken things in my own "hands" just so I won't be left out. Because it bothers him when I don't come. We have also tried a few toys as well. Only we have found them to be somewhat clumsy and hard to handle (no pun intended). Either that or we just don't know what the hell we're doing. Geez. He is 53 and I am 46. You would think we wouldn't have any problems in this department.

As for as sex with OW was. Well he says it wasn't good. That he didn't enjoy it at all. But, is he really going to tell me (his BW) the truth about that? They had sex about 8 or 9 times before ending the PA. He swears he never went directly from me to her or vice versa. But again would he truly admit something like that?

So, in addition to my already low drive, his hands and ED problems, I now have to get past the images in my mind of him having sex with her. To be honest, sometimes I could care less if we ever had sex again. I know that since his a, we have made love only once. The other times was merely sex. That intimate connection is just no longer easily attainable for me. I told him once that he sure chose the right way to hurt me. Right where I am most vuneralble, my sexuality. Which means I still have a lot of anger which doesn't help.

So, any great wisdom, suggestions, or advice?


[This message edited by isadora1985 at 12:34 PM, August 14th (Sunday)]

BS, 44
FWH, 52
married 26 years, together 27
3 DS (21, 16, 11)
MOW, whore who thinks she is a "Lady"...LMAO at this!
2 yr EA turned to 1-2 month PA(I think)
D-day, May 2009 (EA revealed)
D-day2, Oct. 12, 2009 (PA revealed)
NC since Ma

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MO
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in as having trouble here too. My WH and I argue about his lack of affection or lack of effort to initiate sex. I get all the excuses before I EVEN TRY to initiate anything..too.tired, too full, back ache, head ache, etc., or he just turns over as I get into bed with my sexy nighty! Other tactics: he comes to bed without brushing his teeth. That's his message to leave him alone. He with holds showing physical attention because he knows that will "turn me on." It is hard for us to talk about it.

Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
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