"We don't ever stop loving someone. We simply learn to live without them."
You invited a third person into a 2-way agreement to both of your mutual pleasure, "breaking the seal" as you put it. What did you think would happen? You got to get some strange, now you are angry that he did the same thing? Are you angry that he was with another woman or angry that you weren't invited since it's something you did as a "couple"?
Understand I'm not trying to be judgmental of your chosen lifestyle, it's not one I would engage in but you're not me. But to understand your question I need to see it from your point of view.
In all honesty, I'm too jealous by far to share my spouse. By extension that means I don't ask her to share me since that would seem unfair to me.
So what, exactly, bothers you about his ONSs?
While I understand your point, I think you are approaching SickOfitAll27's dilemma from a somewhat judgemental perspective.
Sickofitall and her H were both okay with the third man being involved in their "mutal pleasure", but she was not okay with his ONS. Having a threesome (I don't know if that is what it technically was, but I will just use that term anyway), if both parties are okay with it, is NOT infidelity. But if one spouse does something with another person out of the marital bed, and the other did not approve it and is not okay with it, than that is infidelity.
Not trying to be rude, but I don't think your response is approaching infidelity as much as you are wondering why people would do something you yourself wouldn't do. Infidelity is about one partner being upset about another spouse's indiscretions, not about placing judgement on the before hand agreed upon sexual relationship between two consenting adults in a monogamous relationship.
But that begs the question, Would you have been okay with him having other women if it HAD been something you did as a couple? Because from your previous post it sounds like even if it was open and with both of you, you would have felt hurt...
Please understand that while I do not share your lifestyle for my own reasons, I would never condemn someone for their lifestyle. I agree with Dr. Ruth, whatever two (or more) people find agreeable and pleasant is fair game...
I also wonder if I am just too eager now. If I appear pathetic, needing reassurance all the time and catering to him. I feel like I have to play games with my own husband and I have no desire to do so...it is driving me crazy!
Personally, I'm just about done asking since I get ignored most of the time when I do...
It derives from self worth.
This is hard even without infodelity but I know my wife would do anything to have sex with OM and I am not worth that effort.
Alas as I have worked on myself and look better she has attempted to come on to me here and their but has been insanely jealous most of all.
My twisted WW thinking goes like this in the end. My H is desirable so I will bitch snoop crack down on him and make sure he never can have sex with anyone else.
It's ironic because that was and is not my goal. I am married and unlike my WW that means something.
It's ironic in a way becaus eit is her being like taht and me finaly thinking "why the hell should I be attracted to her? She does nothing to make me happy or show desire for me."
It's just now getting to the point I have no desire for sex with my WW.
It sucks because no basically I am turning off a core part of my desires as I will not cheat and will never have the sex i want with WW.
This is at this point on her.
I require honey not vinegar.
And a question all of us on thsi threa dshould ask oursleves:
"why do we even want to have sex with our partner?"
Then she has an A, and the sex goes through the roof, HB style. This lasts till NC is in place and she goes back to "too tired" again. Cuddles, kissing, holding each other are fine, just no sexual intimacy. Once a month again.
Guess it was the thrill of doing something wrong that got her all excited. Shame I don't seem to do it for her. She is the only one I have ever been with or have wanted to be with. Never even so much as held hands with another woman, ever.
Tell me again why I feel so rejected and worthless.
I can't take this shit any more.
What trying does has hurt me more.
Now in the real twist of all this and maybe this is the wya it is the only time my WW really shows attraction to me is if she is jealous.
That sucks because I do not want to be like that AT ALL.
She should like me for me and not be fearful if a girl smilled at me.
Attraction in my wife makes no sense.
But i will say the less I make myself available the more she seems to want me.
Go figure. Roses cuddles nothing. I will be home late shopping where were you? lets make love.
This game is INSANE.
In the end my advice to all do the dead OPPOSITE of what you have been doing.
What can it hurt.
Go out have fun fake it get your nails a hairdo done hang out with the boys or the girls.
Nothing to lose that is not already lost ...
On D-Day I learned that my FWH was active in EA's because he wasn't getting enough sex of course he never voiced that to ME...but anway...he also did a serious marital re-write claiming that he had gone weeks without uhh NO he didn't He just didn't get it EVERY night. The MOST he ever went without was maybe 4-5 days??
We just recently had the "sex" talk. Where he finally asked me WHY I didn't like to have sex... He said it always seemed to be more like a chore than something pleasurable.
I explained to him about my FOO issues and the fact that the relationship I was in prior to meeting him, was horrid and that my xBF had raped me sooo....Sex to me wasn't high on MY list of priorities and I told him in fact that I could simply do with out it and it WAS a chore to me. At that time since I had never delt with my FOO issues or the rape, I hated sex and would trigger every time he would start to initiate it. Oh I'd go through it because I knew if I didn't our marriage wouldn't survive...so it became one of my chores.
After MC and IC along with his new understanding of what I have gone through...sex is getting better I don't trigger as much and have even been a bit more aggressive in initiating it Someone had suggested to me to try Maca Root...so it's on order
I want to have a better sex life and I thank GAWD my FWH is soo um well AWESOME Prior to being with him I could probably count on one hand the number of "O's" that I had ever had. Now I get that many in one session
~*~ R in progress and the progress is well pretty much complete ~*~
~*~ Re-Married 08/02/2010 ~*~
But then I found out that he was getting his jollies for many years to p0rn of 500lb women. I wonder now if he can even DO IT with a real woman anymore instead of his hand. I am slim and fit and this is NOT going to make me feel unattractive. If that's what turns him on, then too bad.
He tells me that he is proud of the way I look when we go out and that he knows I'm attractive, but it is still painful knowing that the person who says they love you, isn't turned on by you. What they really want is a different body type than yours.
So as long as this relationship continues, I live a life of no touching, no intimacy. I don't want to live like this the rest of my life.
They are broken. They can't tell use what is going on. I have heard that lots and lots of IC will help them to see what is goin gon inside.
We are all trying to do the right thing in staying and looking for sex with the one we love nad have married. Peace and love to each of us!
My WH does not want to have sex with me. I know that I need and enjoy sex very much. I enjoy the closeness. He feels pressured when I ask.
Its an ugly place to be here. I have suffered over a year now. I am at the point where there is only one go aroud in this life and I think things won't be perfect but maybe there is someone who can be intimate with me in all aspects of my life. I have filed. I feel that I will be comfortable in my decision as I have tried everything I could.
Married 26 yrs now. Sex stopped during year 12. A began during year 17 (with FWH's ex-fiance). D-Day was just after year 18. Had great sex two days later, while he was telling me the A was a mistake. (He admitted to having sex with her ONCE during their A). We had sex off and on til about 4 months later. Then abruptly, it stopped again. (And yes, it's been 8 years since). I attempt to get him interested, and all I get is "You expect it" or "It's not spontaneous anymore".
He has not had any contact with OW since (or so he says).
I've learned to live in a sexless marriage, but somehow I feel that it has something to do with him not being interested in me.
[This message edited by koalawallaby at 8:09 PM, December 13th (Monday)]
This is my first time posting under this name, but I was a previous member of SI under another name since 2003. I stopped coming here at the suggestion of (if you can believe it) my MC. My being here made my WH uncomfortable. So, I acquiesced.
It's taken me two evenings to get through all the posts on this thread... and I read each and every one. If only this thread had existed back then! I feel so connected to some of you: lookinforward, rottenkitty, freshwound, Cee64D, brokenhearted.
I have a long relationship story, but here's the gist of it: my husband cheats. He has cheated on me since before we were married.
He will tell you it's because I don't "want" him. I will tell you that, in recent years, that's true. I have shuddered at his touch, sometimes just as his words, or a look.
But there was a time when I wanted nothing more than passion, to be his one-and-only. My sex drive has never been strong enough to satisfy him. As I was repeatedly de-valued by his PAs and EAs, my self-esteem took a major nosedive.
I began putting up walls, both physically and emotionally, to protect myself from the pain of rejection and shame associated with his A's. I got addicted to an online game that helped fill the void of loneliness. I gained weight, stopped giving a shit about the appearance of our home, etc.
Last February, he began withholding his advances. At least, up to that point, he initiated sex. Whether I accepted was another matter.
He stopped touching me. When he had to pass through a room I was in, he literally walked as far away from me as possible.
Finally, I called him on it. He said that yes, he was trying to "teach me a lesson." He was trying to show ME what it was like to be rejected (as I rejected him all those years).
He finally told me in November that he's ready to move on. Everything is so surreal right now.
Without knowing what a 180 is, I have been doing one since October. It truly hasn't made me feel any better. And, to be honest, I don't think he's seeing me any differently.
In fact, he's in Florida right now visiting his family while his son and I are having Christmas alone in Pennsylvania.
I want nothing more than to have a happy, trust-filled, loving marriage with this man. Neither of us is the person the other fell in love with anymore.
I can only hope that my efforts at a 180 make a difference in time. It's so hard keeping up a facade when my heart is literally in pieces.
I'm so glad I found this thread. I don't feel quite so alone anymore.
I am working on my 180.