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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
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Member # 29425
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* here it goes...My WH and I have always been very sexual and open to new things. 3 years ago we *broke the seal* as we call it and invited another man into our *fun*. Please understand that WH is NOT gay or bi (not that its a bad thing, just not his thing). He truly *got off* on seeing me pleased by someone else. It did cause some complications at times and we would back off and not do it for awhile then one of us would *get the itch* and we'd dive right back into it. The quality of our sex life and the frequency never dipped because of this, in fact it increased tenfold. He's a voyeur, I'm an exhibitionist and that was that. But now that he's confessed to the 2 ONS and I just have no desire to be with him. None. I have no desire to be sexual with ANYONE ever again. The mental images, knowing what positions and all of those other gory details I wish I could toss out of my mind is just TOO MUCH. He's now upset with me cuz he feels *rejected* and told me it hurt him to know that I can't stand the thought of him touching me...When he said that, I burst into tears and replied with "No, I can't stand the thought of you touching them." I know that the lack of sex will destroy my marriage. It will be the final blow when he finally realizes that I mean what I say about not wanting it. And I honestly don't think I care. Torturing myself, reliving what he did, in my mind, just so his feelings aren't hurt isn't worth it to me. If not having sex with him means I'm not *giving my all* to reconcile, then so be it. I just feel like he doesn't understand what I'm feeling because he *enjoyed* seeing me with others, if that makes sense. Any thoughts anyone, pls?

"There's a girl crying in my mirror tonight and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright."

"We don't ever stop loving someone. We simply learn to live without them."

Posts: 116 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: SickofitAll27
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Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay this may not be the response you imagined.

You invited a third person into a 2-way agreement to both of your mutual pleasure, "breaking the seal" as you put it. What did you think would happen? You got to get some strange, now you are angry that he did the same thing? Are you angry that he was with another woman or angry that you weren't invited since it's something you did as a "couple"?

Understand I'm not trying to be judgmental of your chosen lifestyle, it's not one I would engage in but you're not me. But to understand your question I need to see it from your point of view.

In all honesty, I'm too jealous by far to share my spouse. By extension that means I don't ask her to share me since that would seem unfair to me.

So what, exactly, bothers you about his ONSs?

The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
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Member # 29374
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


While I understand your point, I think you are approaching SickOfitAll27's dilemma from a somewhat judgemental perspective.

Sickofitall and her H were both okay with the third man being involved in their "mutal pleasure", but she was not okay with his ONS. Having a threesome (I don't know if that is what it technically was, but I will just use that term anyway), if both parties are okay with it, is NOT infidelity. But if one spouse does something with another person out of the marital bed, and the other did not approve it and is not okay with it, than that is infidelity.

Not trying to be rude, but I don't think your response is approaching infidelity as much as you are wondering why people would do something you yourself wouldn't do. Infidelity is about one partner being upset about another spouse's indiscretions, not about placing judgement on the before hand agreed upon sexual relationship between two consenting adults in a monogamous relationship.

BGF: 23
Him: Out of the picture.
My story? Summed up by the last line of Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises: "Isn't it pretty to think so?"
Alternately summed up by this awesome Mark Twain quote, "There is no humor in heaven."

Posts: 698 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Chicago, IL
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Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Amor...I'm sorry if I didn't express myself thoughts are just everywhere and I get so distracted when posting. Us "breaking the seal" and leading that "alternative lifestyle" was a mutual agreement between both of us. When he decided to have his ONS it was behind my back. I had NO CLUE about it. And that's what hurts.

"There's a girl crying in my mirror tonight and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright."

"We don't ever stop loving someone. We simply learn to live without them."

Posts: 116 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: SickofitAll27
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Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really had not meant to be or sound judgmental. Please accept my appology for not wording my response better. I really was curious what the situation was and what the source of the anger was. Now I see that it was, as in many affairs, the deceit that hurts the most.

But that begs the question, Would you have been okay with him having other women if it HAD been something you did as a couple? Because from your previous post it sounds like even if it was open and with both of you, you would have felt hurt...

Please understand that while I do not share your lifestyle for my own reasons, I would never condemn someone for their lifestyle. I agree with Dr. Ruth, whatever two (or more) people find agreeable and pleasant is fair game...

The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
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Member # 29532
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to join in on this thread, because my WH, who had an EA, has not been initiating sex with me. And I fear it is because he pines for the OW. He claims there is NC, but part of me wonders if he thinks he was "in love". This lack of sexual interest in me is very disturbing and very much a change for him.

I also wonder if I am just too eager now. If I appear pathetic, needing reassurance all the time and catering to him. I feel like I have to play games with my own husband and I have no desire to do is driving me crazy!

Posts: 137 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
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Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the club, SoG. I wish I had some advice for you but I'm kind of dealing with the same thing. Still.

Personally, I'm just about done asking since I get ignored most of the time when I do...

The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often think the key to restoring sex in any relationship is working on you and making yourself attractive to everybody. Raise your value but with no goal of spouse comming around.

It derives from self worth.

This is hard even without infodelity but I know my wife would do anything to have sex with OM and I am not worth that effort.

Alas as I have worked on myself and look better she has attempted to come on to me here and their but has been insanely jealous most of all.

My twisted WW thinking goes like this in the end. My H is desirable so I will bitch snoop crack down on him and make sure he never can have sex with anyone else.

It's ironic because that was and is not my goal. I am married and unlike my WW that means something.

It's ironic in a way becaus eit is her being like taht and me finaly thinking "why the hell should I be attracted to her? She does nothing to make me happy or show desire for me."

It's just now getting to the point I have no desire for sex with my WW.

It sucks because no basically I am turning off a core part of my desires as I will not cheat and will never have the sex i want with WW.

This is at this point on her.

I require honey not vinegar.

And a question all of us on thsi threa dshould ask oursleves:

"why do we even want to have sex with our partner?"

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Member # 24251
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, September 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so tired of this. I just want a normal marriage that involves intimacy on all levels. This just feels pathetic. My IC who is also our MC suggested sexual sublimation. I am trying. It is so sad to me to think that this is it. This is the sex life I get till the end.

Me - BW
DD - May Day 2009
Status - Limbo waiting for him to engage
May 2012 - Feeling Done in my heart. Death by limbo, lack of demonstrated remorse, emotional unavailability, lack of companionship, lack of demonstrated affection. Sexless marri

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sydney
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Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figure it must be something wrong with me. For about 3 years immediately before the A, we were down to once every 6 to 8 weeks. Not for lack of my trying, asking, romancing etc. Just got the "I'm tired" speech or "not tonight" response. Gee, you start to feel really rejected after a while. Anyway, I even started looking for advice on living in a sexless marriage. No thoughts of going elsewhere, just find some way to suck it up and live with it.

Then she has an A, and the sex goes through the roof, HB style. This lasts till NC is in place and she goes back to "too tired" again. Cuddles, kissing, holding each other are fine, just no sexual intimacy. Once a month again.

Guess it was the thrill of doing something wrong that got her all excited. Shame I don't seem to do it for her. She is the only one I have ever been with or have wanted to be with. Never even so much as held hands with another woman, ever.

Tell me again why I feel so rejected and worthless.

Love. Forgiveness. Strength.
BS - me (43)
FWW - (42)
2009 - worst year of my life.
2011 - Reconciled for almost two years, so I thought. My time to get my life back.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Australia
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Member # 28907
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, September 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a very hard time accepting the death of our sex life. My MC said I needed to accept that the mating season has ended. I'm 44 not 80! WTF? My FWW will partake once a week (ya right, it varies up to 3 weeks with 1 week being the most frequent). To some I am getting a lot and to others, I'm sexless. It is passionless. My MC said I need to take what is offered and be thankful for the gift. What about all the gifts that she gave the OM. How come now she is not interested in sex. She said she used it to get attention. I guess I better stop paying attention to her. A 180 reconcilliation. Sounds like an oxymoron.
I love her and I know she loves me, but I'm getting crap for my needs being met. I say something and I get the "all you want me for is sex" crap. I want intimacy, I want attention, I want to be desired. It is very hard to take all of the excuses when she provided all of that to the OM.
Thanks for listening to my rant, I feel better now.

BH 47
FWW 49
Married 25 years
5 kids (29-5)
DDay #1 9-1-09
TT DDay #2 9-28-09

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: it ain't hell, but you can see it from here.
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Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about anyone else, but, I've had enough (or none as it were). My new plan; get a divorce, keep everything else the same, and go out and find a woman who WANTS to have sex with me.

I can't take this shit any more.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say a form of 80 where you have fun and completely stop even trying cuddling or anything romantic.

What trying does has hurt me more.

Now in the real twist of all this and maybe this is the wya it is the only time my WW really shows attraction to me is if she is jealous.

That sucks because I do not want to be like that AT ALL.

She should like me for me and not be fearful if a girl smilled at me.

Attraction in my wife makes no sense.

But i will say the less I make myself available the more she seems to want me.

Go figure. Roses cuddles nothing. I will be home late shopping where were you? lets make love.

This game is INSANE.

In the end my advice to all do the dead OPPOSITE of what you have been doing.

What can it hurt.

Go out have fun fake it get your nails a hairdo done hang out with the boys or the girls.

Nothing to lose that is not already lost ...

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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What?  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness due to some really horrific FOO issues, I was the one who wasn't interested in sex.

On D-Day I learned that my FWH was active in EA's because he wasn't getting enough sex of course he never voiced that to ME...but anway...he also did a serious marital re-write claiming that he had gone weeks without uhh NO he didn't He just didn't get it EVERY night. The MOST he ever went without was maybe 4-5 days??

We just recently had the "sex" talk. Where he finally asked me WHY I didn't like to have sex... He said it always seemed to be more like a chore than something pleasurable.

I explained to him about my FOO issues and the fact that the relationship I was in prior to meeting him, was horrid and that my xBF had raped me sooo....Sex to me wasn't high on MY list of priorities and I told him in fact that I could simply do with out it and it WAS a chore to me. At that time since I had never delt with my FOO issues or the rape, I hated sex and would trigger every time he would start to initiate it. Oh I'd go through it because I knew if I didn't our marriage wouldn't it became one of my chores.

After MC and IC along with his new understanding of what I have gone is getting better I don't trigger as much and have even been a bit more aggressive in initiating it Someone had suggested to me to try Maca it's on order

I want to have a better sex life and I thank GAWD my FWH is soo um well AWESOME Prior to being with him I could probably count on one hand the number of "O's" that I had ever had. Now I get that many in one session

1st DDay - 11/28/09
2nd DDay - 1/08/10
Married 08/08 (invalid)

~*~ R in progress and the progress is well pretty much complete ~*~
~*~ Re-Married 08/02/2010 ~*~

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Florida
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Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add my story here as well…I have been with my H since 2002 (married 3 ½ years) and we have a non-existent sex life. It isn’t for the lack of trying and lack of desire on my part. I had initiated intimacy and have heard excuses about being tired, sick, busy, had been berated for being “too aggressive” and even heard put downs about how I look and feel sexually. Yet the desire for release is still strong for H since he masturbates chronically. It is beyond humiliating for your H to reject you, never mind insult you and get his jollies off with an image but it is what it is…I am in my early 30’s and feel like I am 80. My self esteem is shot and my libido is dead. I feel ridiculous because I noticed the signs and found them to be abnormal at the time but kept making excuses for him and down playing my needs. (H believes that intimacy isn’t a need and maybe it isn’t to him but it is to me) Unfortunately I had an A (I am not proud of it) and the situation has gotten worse between my H and I (if you could believe that). I wonder sometimes if this is a new epidemic and if I were to D and date, what my chances are that I find myself in another similar situation and it is depressing.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He and I have not been intimate in over 8 months. Before that it was infrequent as well. He used to use the excuse that it was his AD's that interfere with his ability to finish. Another excuse was his jock rash making him too uncomfortable. Whatever.

But then I found out that he was getting his jollies for many years to p0rn of 500lb women. I wonder now if he can even DO IT with a real woman anymore instead of his hand. I am slim and fit and this is NOT going to make me feel unattractive. If that's what turns him on, then too bad.

He tells me that he is proud of the way I look when we go out and that he knows I'm attractive, but it is still painful knowing that the person who says they love you, isn't turned on by you. What they really want is a different body type than yours.

So as long as this relationship continues, I live a life of no touching, no intimacy. I don't want to live like this the rest of my life.

I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
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Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story, My WW has not let us have sex. She said it was because she feels so guilty and unworthy about the A's.
Before Dday we had sex.
I still am very hurt that she will not have sex and am trying to give her space to heal.
It's f'ed up though to have to go thru this. I feel rejected and unloved because of this.
I hope it doesn't take to long for her to get over it.
I wonder if this means she is more worthy of staying with because having the A's traumatized her so much. Or if this is some lack of respect for me or her blaming me for letting her down some how.
It really sucks though.
I know sex is very important to a marriage and will help us to get close again.
I do not try and pressure her anymore just say I am going to spank the monkey or what ever. She can either come help or not. Though if I am really down I ask her to lend a hand.
Any thoughts on this.

Me BH-46
WW roseyl-37
Married 14 years together 16
DD 12,DS(special needs)10, DD8
D-day 10/30/10
TT 11/10/10 Finally the whole truth!!
Headed for S and D

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Louisiana
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Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, you know what I have to say is that I am seeing lots of people in their 40's on this site. Not a coincidence.

They are broken. They can't tell use what is going on. I have heard that lots and lots of IC will help them to see what is goin gon inside.

We are all trying to do the right thing in staying and looking for sex with the one we love nad have married. Peace and love to each of us!

My WH does not want to have sex with me. I know that I need and enjoy sex very much. I enjoy the closeness. He feels pressured when I ask.

Its an ugly place to be here. I have suffered over a year now. I am at the point where there is only one go aroud in this life and I think things won't be perfect but maybe there is someone who can be intimate with me in all aspects of my life. I have filed. I feel that I will be comfortable in my decision as I have tried everything I could.

Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone, please, tell me it's not "just me".

Married 26 yrs now. Sex stopped during year 12. A began during year 17 (with FWH's ex-fiance). D-Day was just after year 18. Had great sex two days later, while he was telling me the A was a mistake. (He admitted to having sex with her ONCE during their A). We had sex off and on til about 4 months later. Then abruptly, it stopped again. (And yes, it's been 8 years since). I attempt to get him interested, and all I get is "You expect it" or "It's not spontaneous anymore".

He has not had any contact with OW since (or so he says).

I've learned to live in a sexless marriage, but somehow I feel that it has something to do with him not being interested in me.


[This message edited by koalawallaby at 8:09 PM, December 13th (Monday)]

BS 51
FWH 48

M 27 years
D-Day Nov 02
24yr old daughter
Wanting real hard to cope...still trying to figure out how!!!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Holidays to you all!

This is my first time posting under this name, but I was a previous member of SI under another name since 2003. I stopped coming here at the suggestion of (if you can believe it) my MC. My being here made my WH uncomfortable. So, I acquiesced.

It's taken me two evenings to get through all the posts on this thread... and I read each and every one. If only this thread had existed back then! I feel so connected to some of you: lookinforward, rottenkitty, freshwound, Cee64D, brokenhearted.

I have a long relationship story, but here's the gist of it: my husband cheats. He has cheated on me since before we were married.

He will tell you it's because I don't "want" him. I will tell you that, in recent years, that's true. I have shuddered at his touch, sometimes just as his words, or a look.

But there was a time when I wanted nothing more than passion, to be his one-and-only. My sex drive has never been strong enough to satisfy him. As I was repeatedly de-valued by his PAs and EAs, my self-esteem took a major nosedive.

I began putting up walls, both physically and emotionally, to protect myself from the pain of rejection and shame associated with his A's. I got addicted to an online game that helped fill the void of loneliness. I gained weight, stopped giving a shit about the appearance of our home, etc.

Last February, he began withholding his advances. At least, up to that point, he initiated sex. Whether I accepted was another matter.

He stopped touching me. When he had to pass through a room I was in, he literally walked as far away from me as possible.

Finally, I called him on it. He said that yes, he was trying to "teach me a lesson." He was trying to show ME what it was like to be rejected (as I rejected him all those years).

He finally told me in November that he's ready to move on. Everything is so surreal right now.

Without knowing what a 180 is, I have been doing one since October. It truly hasn't made me feel any better. And, to be honest, I don't think he's seeing me any differently.

In fact, he's in Florida right now visiting his family while his son and I are having Christmas alone in Pennsylvania.

I want nothing more than to have a happy, trust-filled, loving marriage with this man. Neither of us is the person the other fell in love with anymore.

I can only hope that my efforts at a 180 make a difference in time. It's so hard keeping up a facade when my heart is literally in pieces.

I'm so glad I found this thread. I don't feel quite so alone anymore.

Me: 44
WH: 45
Married 14 years
14 year old son w/Autism
D-Days: They have never really stopped long enough for me to heal. He blames all affairs on my lack of libido. (Which, of course, I blame on his multiple affairs).

I am working on my 180.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: PA
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