For whatever reason, she is more open to it. We had some hot lovin' yesterday. And it's looking more promising.
I don't know why she couldn't during periods of our 8 months of R. Maybe there wasn't enough space. I've stopped trying to figure it out. I'm just focused on my needs and boundaries. It seems to be working.
She's really trying to figure this out in IC and MC on how to make that emotional connection with me in hopes of getting the physical connection going. Is it even possible to get that "loving" feeling back? Obviously we had it in the beginning of our relationship.
To anyone who knows me and my WBF, they would think that we are the "perfect" couple. We are entirely in love with each other. He spoils me something fierce, and I would do anything for him. We complement each other. He is totally affectionate with me, holds my hand everywhere we go, kisses on me, and does not hesitate to let the world know how much he loves me. I believe all of this, I truly do. I know he *wants* to change. He knows what he did was wrong. He is entirely remorseful to me.
We have not had sex for 13 months and 18 days. I happen to know that I am not even the last person he had sex with, and this tears me apart.
My WBF's cheating consisted of meeting people online, sometimes escalating to phone sex, and sometimes escalating to meeting for sex. At least one of these women believed she was in a relationship with him.
Without giving TMI, my WBF has a physical condition that cannot be seen on webcams. I believe that he gets the courage to do online what he would never have the courage to do in person. I believe it makes him feel some sort of power over the women he meets online. For the most part, I don't believe his emotions were involved in the cheating. The exception would probably be the one who thought he was her boyfriend, although at the time that I had discovered that affair, she told me that she had not seen him for months...just talked to him on the phone, including phone sex. She only lived a couple of miles from him.
Our sexual history: We had an incredible sex life for the first seven months of our relationship. He started cheating on me, and it waned. We went a couple of months without sex at one point, but even when we were having sex, it was not with the intensity that we used to have.
I confronted WBF in January 2008 about the relationship. He got pissed and declared that we were "over." He saw her for the following week and then made contact with me (beginning of February). We got back together. We had sex a few times, still not with the previous intensity. The last time we had sex was 03/17/2008. We basically had a False R until May 2008.
I feel that WBF (Mimbo) is committed to me and making our relationship work. He said for several months that he just had no sex drive. I found only one time that he had been looking at porn on his computer. I know he is not chatting with anyone, I have a program installed and he does not know about it.
After sending my PM to hurtbs, I again confronted him about the lack of sex. It got pretty heated, and he told me that if I really want to know, it physically hurts him to orgasm.
Believe me, I know we don't have a "perfect" relationship. He is willing to do whatever, including counseling, but we have not at this point. We do not lack intimacy at all. We do, however, lack passion. And it kills me. I have told him repeatedly it is not about the sex, it's about the fact that I do not feel wanted or desired by him. He goes to great lengths to make me feel sexy, beautiful, desirable etc etc.... IT'S NOT THE SAME. You cannot replace the feelings you get from that kind of passion with anything else. And I don't gauge anything by the "intensity" of the sex we once had, because I have put that into perspective. It is not the same intensity that I would expect from sex derived from love and passion for one person. Unfortunately, that intense sex we had doesn't mean squat, I don't feel the least bit special in that regard. And also, we lacked intimacy when he was cheating.
This is incredibly hard, to feel this way day in and day out. Nothing has ever made me feel so ugly and unworthy. It's a constant conflict with the way he treats me, and that is what makes it so hard to deal with. I do think a lot of this is ingrained in us; we as women believe that if we are desirable, men will want to have sex with us. I listen to men all the time who complain about lack of sex. That is acceptable discussion; however, I cannot fathom sharing this with my friends at work. There surely must be something wrong with me if he doesn't want me. WBF cannot comprehend what this is doing to my self-esteem. It's such a confusing and hurtful way to feel. We go to bed and cuddle and kiss. Sometimes I feel so close to him, and the next natural thing to do would be to make love. And it's just not happening. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep in his arms. It is rejection, every day that it continues. Every day is a new hurt and a new rejection to me. It doesn't get any easier.
Maybe this is woman like but I would like it to start in the morning IE a nice day flirting and her to at least half the time initiate.
It has gotten me to the point I feel like a fool and will not pursue sex for a long time.
I AM THE PRIZE!
"Your attention and direction determine your destination." Andy Stanley in "The Principle of the Path."
Please - can you explain why? WW and I had a "fantastic sex life" (her words) - until dday and then nothing. Is there anything a BS can do to encourage WS to open up - and not just sex, but intimacy, conversation, tenderness, kindness, interest, etc. With my issues with self-esteem and self-respect I cannot be the one to initiate everything. What can a BS do?
During A, we had more sex.
First 3 month, I was still in withdrawal and xOM's ghost was in the way and it triggered me bad. And after that, I couldn't even bring myself to see any sexual content TV or mobies, like when H was flipping channels, and HBO's soft porn program or any sexy bikini women shows up, or women dressed up in the skanky way, came across it made me sick. I then would say, "Eeeew".....
I guess, he had a sense of humor and he even made a joke during summer in front of the kids saying "Oh it's hot, open your legs honey, because it is cold like fridge"
After I He-toxed xOM from my system, and I had to cut off all sexual contents Tvs, movies, because they triggered me and send me to the opposit direction and didn't help. I stopped wearing clothes that makes me look attractive, too. I felt like I was having a celibacy from those dark days.
Emotional connection(doing things together) helped me becoming more physical connection, too. Also not feeling being pressured also helped. At the same time, I read those sexual healing books, and get my physical checked.
After 1.5 years out, I finally feel like I am a virgin for my H again.
We never had HB.
Everytime, I saw the Viagra commercial, I felt very uncomfortable and felt guilty for H.
What helped me was he did lots of act of service, physical touch (playful and affectionate) and in return, I wanted to do the same for him. (5 Love language book helped me)
I also read many sexual healing books.
"Don't call it love" and "sexual anorexia" book by Patrick Carns. "Sex Detox" by Ian Carns, "Sex Starved marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis.
Also I was going through perimenopause and I had depression and didn't help.
I didn't like feeling being pressured and H focusing on the genital sex. When he touched me he only focusing on my breasts or genitals. So then I would say, I don't like you targetting. When I told H that I could live without sex (I meant with anyone for that matter), and he took it as his inadequecy to make me happy.
H said "would you be happy, if I said I would not have sex with you anymore?", but I said "no".
When it comes to sex, H always focused on genital sex and frequency of sexual intercourse, but there are actually 12 dimentions in healthy sexuality. (according to "sexual anorexia" book by Patrick Carns) I am learning healthy intimacy and improving our sex life.
1. Nurturing - the capacity to receive care from others and provide care for self.
2. Sensuality - the mindfulness of physical senses that creates emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical presence.
3. Self-image - a positive self-percelption that includes embracing your sexual self.
4. Self-definition - a clear knowledge of yourself, both positive and negative, and the ability to express boundaries as well as needs.
5. comfort - the capacity to be at ease about sexual matters with oneself and with others.
6. Knowledge - a knowledge base about sex in general and about one's own unique sexual patterns.
7. Relationship - a capacity to have intimacy and friendship with both those of the same gender and opposite gender. (If somone has a boundary issue, they need to fix that)
8. Partnership - the ability to maintain an interdependent, equal relationship that is intimate and erotic.
9. Nongenital sex - the ability to express erotic desire emotionally and physically without the use of the genitals.
10. Genital sex - the ability to freely express erotic feelings with the use of the genitals.
11. Spirituality - the ability to connect sexual desire and expression to the value and meaning of one's life.
12. Passion - the capacity to express deeply held feelings of desire and meaning about one's sexual self, relationships, and intimacy experience.
but what can I do to encourage her to connect with me?
With my issues with self-esteem and self-respect I cannot be the one to initiate everything.
I can see why you cannot initiate anything from you....
Are you two in MC? If so, you can bring that up there, I think what she needs is feel safe.
Is she in IC?
When was d-day?
Has she been like this till now?
How is she treating you?
Have you forgiven her?
Do you think she is depressed?
Have you found each of your love language? (from the "5 Love languages" book by Gary Chapman)
Sorry for more questions.
[This message edited by beach at 7:35 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]
FWH turned out not to be F at all.
He came back for R. No remorse, not regrets.. til he left me again.
He seemed to be doing lots of trying that didn't make sense. Defined as false R.
I wanted sex. I thought my H was back..and would be for good. I figured he just needed to figure himself out.
I had asked the questions. It didn't seem like he was interested. he told me he didn't know why. Just wasn't interested.. Duh .. but left out the fact that they were still in contact w/eachother.
Watch your backs, Ladies. If your FWH is not interested and always had been up until he left the first time there is a great possibility that it's not the finances or the kids stressing him. It's the thought of doing his OW wrong.
Sorry. You can 2x4 me back. But pm me if you need advise or want to share
I had yet another conversation with WH last night - yep another round of drunken verbal vomiting for me - and finally asked him about whether he even thought about sex. He said he did, a lot. Then I asked him if he thought about having sex with me. Again, he said he did. That was it. He didn't elaborate.
So he thinks about sex, and sex with me, but does nothing to initiate it. I guess if I hadn't been quite so drunk I would have thought to ask if the thoughts of having sex with me repulsed him. Because I'm beginning to think it must.
I am so sorry.
trahi, how are you doing?
No interest in sex with FWW. Grosses me out. I guess I haven't accepted that she's stopped seeing OM.
Like lostcause; I am the prize.
It isn't that I don't want sex, I just don't want it with him.
i most certainly do not want sex with my wh.....
i do want sex though, my sex drive is finally back...was gone for well over a year...his emotionaly abuse, me being a hole once upon a time, and puttin everyone and everything above me and the kids HAD KILLED, DESTROYED AND OLIBTERATED MY SEX DRIVE....
he has an affair, well 3 affairs, one for 30 years, another 12 years and the alleged last was 1 week plus....
and MY SEX DRIVE IS BACK AND ITS STRONG......
I actually LONG for dirty, kinky, sweaty, monkey-sex. I just wish I had a partner I could trust.
For me this is more a problem when it's late-night, lights out. Not so much, if I can see what's going on.
I've feigned sleep several times.
It's easier to never start, than to not be able to finish - if that makes sense.
Now during that time I was convinced he was having an affair and I loved him enough to turn my head and let it happen because I didnt think I was satisfying him sexually anymore because he needs so much more attention due to the surgery.
But when I found out it was an EA, that pissed me off. He was spending "mouth" time with another woman that wasnt me!
Now, he has totally given up on trying to have a productive sex life. He forgot I live with him and I need sex too. He will give me all the oral I want but he says he's not interested in trying to have intercourse anymore.
"It ain't about love anymore."