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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, just a FWW with severe depression, anxiety and exhaustion.

Good thing I have many interests when I'm up by myself at night.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R's okay when I don't think about sex. FWH is supposed to plan a "weekend" for us.

...and time keeps tickin away.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R's okay when I don't think about sex.

Yeah, then again sometimes I think an active sex life is just papering over any problems we have.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
a13049
♀ New Member
Member # 28392
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG wrong forum! sorry

[This message edited by a13049 at 9:00 PM, May 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 45 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Missouri
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's ok....didn't see your original post but any post will bump this thread and keep it active.

What does it do to a BS when their WS says they do not want to have sex with the BS after they had an A?

So lately I've been wondering what is it going to be like. What is it going to be like to have sex with my H after not having sex for 3 years.

And lately I've been wondering...how do I feel about giving my body to a man who not only cheated on me, but then afterward said he didn't want to have sex with me.

And lately I've been confused because at times I don't even know if I feel like ever having sex with him again.

How does this get fixed? He says I made a big deal of it by wanting to go away someplace. I say he made a big deal by refusing to have sex all this time when I was more than open to creating a brand new incredible sex life for us.

I am not sure he really understands why I want a grand gesture...why I want him to go out of his way to make this a special experience. I don't think he understands by just "doing it" without fanfair it comes across to me as just another slap in the face....just like the three false R's were a slap in the face. Why am I not worthy of making this a special occasion?

I can only hope his going to IC will continue to open his eyes.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG - so many people on this thread....totally unbelievable!
You have all coined every phrase, thought, dream, nightmare that I have gone through with my WH and our non-existent sex life....It is all those things to the BS...humiliating, rejecting, anxiety-filled, confusing, hurtful....I just feel so bad about myself sometimes, I have to remind myself that I DID NOT HAVE THE AFFAIR!!
Never had HB. Both in counseling for over two years...working on the marriage, working on the marriage...is this a job we can quit? I think I'm ready. I was hoping that after all this time, at least this issue would be resolved. Tried to work on it with the MC...how humiliating...and did not help at all. He gave us millions of suggestions, tried to explain to WH how this was making me feel...and still, nothing. I am giving up...truly giving up.He has made me a million promises to "go away for the weekend", and that has never happened, so how much does he understand what this is doing to me?

Every once in a while, I come back to this thread, hoping to see something positive, something that may mirror what I have gone through and then, a solution. But, that never happens. It is truthfully a sin. I am beginning to think that I have to make that next decision that I have really tried to avoid, but I truthfully cannot continue this way.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
rukiapetal
♀ New Member
Member # 24916
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never posted before, and I am not sure if this is the right place to post, but I thought that I would try.

I am the wayward spouse and it has been about one year since dd. At first, things were just....foggy I guess is the best way to describe, for both of us.

We are in marriage counseling and things were going well for a few months - still having sex, and trying to work through things so that our lives can start in anyway to become "normal" again - whatever that is.

Recently, however, things have become extremely akward for me regarding sex. Not sure why I guess. I enjoy sex, but feel nothing. In fact, I try to find ways to avoid sex with my husband. I am not on medications that would affect libido - I just feel so uncomfortable. We both want to work things out, and obviously sex is extremely important.

I wonder if anyone has ever gone through something like this, and what are some solutions? Mostly what I have read is that the betrayed spouse is not interested in sex, but not as much with the wayward spouse.


WS - Me. 29 at time...now 32
BS - Him. 30 at time....now 33
DDay - April 2009

Update - Divorced finalized in early 2011. MUCH Happier now.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2009
lookinforward
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Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 24th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenhearted... sounds like we are in similar situation. How long has this been going on in your R?

Like you, I am waiting for "the weekend" and hoping it comes soon. I keep telling him our M has to be a priority, but I am not sure he gets it. If he did then he would have already had the weekend planned.

Rukia....this forum is for BS and WS, but I am not sure if you will get the type of feedback you want on this thread (but who knows!). Have you tried posting on the Wayward Forum? Other waywards may have a better feeling for what you are experiencing. Have you gone to IC? It might help you figure out why you are feeling uncomfortable now. Are you bored, ashamed, or something else?

[This message edited by lookinforward at 2:32 PM, May 24th (Monday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Kwills
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Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 24th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rukiapetal,

I feel the same way, and I am 4-5 years out. Not sure what to do. I wish someone had an answer. I just avoid, avoid, avoid.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's funny....I am a FWW....okay, funny but not in a comical way...just...weird...okay anyway, I just posted in Recon about how much our sex life has diminished since d-day...we had HB for about a month after but since then, it's gone completely downhill...I want to but he doesn't....I find myself asking "do you think we can try and have sex tonight?" WTF?!?!?!? I've never had to ask for sex from him before...I realize what I've done is a major mind fuck and I attribute that to the lack of sex in our home...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
givemepeace
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Member # 28547
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the BS and my H is the one who couldn't keep it in his pants. I've read through a bunch of posts on here and thought I would chime in.

I'm 5 months pregnant. I want sex. All. The. Time. But not with WH. Not with anybody really, it's just a biological, hormonal urge that I can never satisfy. When I say never, I mean never. Not even on my own (ewwwie!).

But anyway, my reasons are as follows.

1. I am 25 pounds larger than my usual self. Self explanatory.

2. I have little to no detail about the ONS other than the fact that she was a stripper (or should I say whore?) and is one of 15 girls that work at a particular club... and I know how attractive the 3 OW were (as my H had pointed this out prior), and I'm not about to compete with girls that I know were exactly "his fantasy type" since I'm more girl next door. You know, the one that is pretty but you'd never know it because I actually don't run around looking for sex all the time or trying to turn life into a fashion show.

3. STD's. I got tested immediately at 3 and 6 months and have nothing. Well, I have nothing that was tested for. There are some that weren't tested for but there are over 120 possible diseases that I could have and no routine STD test tests you for all of them. It is horrifying to have to walk into your Obstetricians office and ask for a "more complete" STD test 5 months pg.

What makes me angrier is that my WH STILL hasn't taken any initiative to test HIMSELF. I'm already pregnant and I get poked and prodded constantly, it's the least he can do to go get a freaking complete STD test/culture done.

4. I am a freak in bed. I like to get freaky. I like it fun and exciting, sometimes rough, sometimes sweet... but these things all require trust and complete lack of reservation. Two things that his infidelity completely destroyed.

5. I'm disgusted by him. I used to think he was the BEST kisser in the entire world. And I kissed a lot of boys before I met my H and believe me some of them were talented. But not like he was. After everything sunk in kissing him is like kissing a slimy pond fish that was caught three hours ago and has been sitting in a bucket of muddy water waiting to be cooked. You can imagine what his pp makes me think of. Every time he touches me I wonder if he touched them the same way (well, I KNOW that in some cases he did because I SAW IT) and those touches that I used to love make me want to rip my skin off. I don't even like the way he smells anymore.

6. I'm angry. And I feel like if I try too hard to have some fun intimacy again it will feel forced. Or he won't be into it, and I will get rejected again.

The BEST thing he could do, would to be treating me like we are dating all over again. I want to do it over. I want our first kiss over again. And I want it romantic. I want to go out to dinner and end the date at the doorway. I want to pretend like we're just roommates at home (not feasible for me to move out) and slowly fall in love all over again. I want him to ask when he wants sex, like you would if you were first dating. I want him to STOP trying to fix what he broke, and START trying to make something new with me.

I also want to get laid, so if he could get a clue sometime soon that would be AWESOME


I'll never leave you, but I'll always be holding back. I might forgive you, but I'll never forget.
Him - WH / 30 / ONS with 3 of my friends, ONS with paid escort 3 days before my wedding / suspected but not confirmed A of several months

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Northeast USA
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to wanting sex all the time due to hormones. I am at the end of my second trimester and raging with hormones that make me all hot and bothered.

Only good thing is my H affairs have never affected our sex lives. I learned right from the begining that him having sex with another women was not about sex. They were not about love either because he never had an emotional relationship with either.

This being said I am still struggling with the fact that I have come to him in the past about him not fully satisfying me because I am always the one to start things. I want him to be the agressor for once. And it ticks me off that he went outside the marriage and slept with another

I do get very emotional when I make an advance towards my H and he is not in the mood. It makes me think he does not love me or is wanting to be with someone else besides me. I have no idea how to get these thoughts out of my head. I hope this gets less after time. Its like rubbing salt in an open wound and the wound just happens to be on my heart


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
givemepeace
♀ New Member
Member # 28547
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbreak -

Sorry you are going through this too.

RE:"I learned right from the begining that him having sex with another women was not about sex. They were not about love either because he never had an emotional relationship with either."

The thing that I find most frustrating is that for him, it was ONLY about the sex. It wasn't that the sex was bad (it was GREAT) with us, it was that he wanted sex with other people. He thought it would "make him the man" so to speak. The difficulty is he still only sees it as "cheating" because it wasn't an affair because it's not something he deliberately planned out.

Re: "I do get very emotional when I make an advance towards my H and he is not in the mood. It makes me think he does not love me or is wanting to be with someone else besides me"

Same here. I hate that he doesn't act like he wants me anymore. (Sometimes I think it's because this is our first baby and he's a bit freaked out by that too). Or I hate when it seems like it's a job for him and how fake it feels when we try to be intimate. Where's the passion we used to have, that made us rip off eachother's clothes and got me pg in the first place? I feel like he made the mistake so he should be working TWICE as hard as he did when we were dating to woo me.


I'll never leave you, but I'll always be holding back. I might forgive you, but I'll never forget.
Him - WH / 30 / ONS with 3 of my friends, ONS with paid escort 3 days before my wedding / suspected but not confirmed A of several months

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Northeast USA
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

givemepeace,

I think I would have a hard time dealing with the fact that my husband thinks it makes him more manly to sleep around. I wish you the best dealing with this.

My situation is unique compared to most affairs. My H suffered from major depression for over 15 years. He had a very hard childhood and a very horrible relationship with his mother. The relationship with the opposite sex parent affects how people view sex. My husband also has a very weird sexual history he has only had one other girlfriend prior to me that lasted more than a week and all but 2(me included) of his partners were ONS. Both As meant nothing to him. No prior feelings towards them and nothing after. It was fueled by oppertunity and him not being able to identify his feelings and handle them in an appropriate manor.(man my spelling suck LOL)

Some times knowing a little about psychology and mental illness sucks. It interfered with my recover last time. I vowed to try my hardest this time to heal myself before I think about his problems.

Right now I am dealing with the fact he does not like having sex due to the baby. We went through this last pregnancy and it is happening this time. I have to watch what I say leading up to it and during. I can not mention baby or anything it creeps him out. But still when this happens my feelings go to the hurt and do you really love me thoughts. It sucks so bad that ones mind and heart hardly every line up when it comes to situations like these.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any resolutions for any of you sexless BS/WSers?

WH is supposed to plan a getaway....still waiting.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
disillusioned1
♀ Member
Member # 24670
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying not to get too excited, but things are getting better!

I busted FWH for frequent online porn viewing after installing a key logger a few weeks ago. I made a deal with him--no porn for a month and I wouldn't ask him to "work on the relationship" in any other way for a month. I told him I can't live with no sex and find it disrespectful that he prefers to spend time looking at strangers online rather than his own wife.

The first night after keylogger discovery was not good--we had a pretty big blow up. But since then (a few weeks ago) we have been having sex 2, 3 or 4 times per week. I would be happy with every day, but I am thrilled at the change. I'm skeptical that a change like this can be this easy and permanent, but I'm hopeful.


BS (me) - 45
WH - 51
Together since 6/24/97 (met at OW's wedding--ouch!)
Married - 12/23/02
D Day- 6/21/09

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disillusioned...that is great I am happy that you are beginning to find your way out of the sexless rut.

Me? Still waiting. But H is being way more flirty and he did say to me the other day that he didn't want me to be embarrassed in front of him in a very sweet way.

So who knows... guess we are crawling our way to having sex some day in the future.

[This message edited by lookinforward at 9:40 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
majik8ball
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Member # 28835
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im a WS who is not interested right now in having sex with my H. We haven't had sex in 2-3 weeks. Why? Because Im feeling disconnected from him, and his lack of imagination in bed. Don't get me wrong, he tries. And I have tried to show/tell him what I like. I have bought educational video. I even have "bob" I have encouraged him to go online to educational sites to give him ideas. We end up pretty much doing the same old same old. He gets his d@#k sucked and Im left frustrated. Im tired of trying to teach an old dog new tricks so to speak. This has been going on for years.
Thats why I had an A. Actually all I wanted was a f@#k buddy, and a male friend of mine obliged.
All Im doing here is to explain why I did what I did.
Am I sorry I hurt my H, YES. Do I feel guilty?......

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: washington state
rottenkitty
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Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does it do to a BS when their WS says they do not want to have sex with the BS after they had an A?

So lately I've been wondering what is it going to be like. What is it going to be like to have sex with my H after not having sex for 3 years.

And lately I've been wondering...how do I feel about giving my body to a man who not only cheated on me, but then afterward said he didn't want to have sex with me.

And lately I've been confused because at times I don't even know if I feel like ever having sex with him again.

I could have written this part word for word, lookinforward.

He never promised me a weekend away, or anything special. I never asked for anything like that. I wouldn't even mind a total failure in the bed, if only he looked at me and acted like he wanted me again.

The hurt is really too much at this point. I told him probably a month ago, when we were arguing, that I don't even want to have sex with him anymore at this point. I thought....well, I should say I hoped that that would make him see just how serious this has gotten. It has now been two years and three months for us without sex. He attempted one night to have sex with me back in January, which left me feeling worse than before. It was a forced situation, one where I was in bed, pissed off, and basically told him that I just need to be fucked. We started, but it soon became obvious that he really just wasn't into it. It was mechanical. We used to have the BEST sex before he cheated on me. Maybe if I had no idea of what he was actually capable of, I would accept whatever he gave me. So we quit. I cried. Then we talked, in bed, an intimate conversation unlike anything we have had in the past year or so. He then asked me if he could oblige me again. And the second time was really no better, except for the fact that he actually asked. He did not orgasm; neither did I. So in my head I don't even really count it as an attempt.

I remember so clearly a huge blow-up we had only one month into this sexless relationship. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would still be involved with him without any sex this far out.

The other night, I went out and got extremely drunk, which is not something I ever do. I came home and sent him a very long e-mail, telling him pretty much what I have been telling him for the past two years. Only this time, I was not so concerned with hurting his feelings. Hell, my feelings have been hurt for far too long with the whole situation. So if he feels a little hurt by the e-mail, I refuse to feel guilty about it. That was Saturday night, and I have not spoken to him since.

At this point, I think I am ready to move on. I want someone to share my life with...my whole life. Being in a sexless relationship drives a wedge so much deeper between a couple than you would ever expect. I told him in my e-mail that we are not lovers, and I don't even feel we are friends at this point due to the fact that I cannot even tell him how I feel anymore. I keep my emotions to myself, I keep the hurt to myself. It has taken a toll on me. I really can't take it anymore.

I don't expect anything to change, simply because if there was any chance that it would change, it would have happened by now. I truly feel it is hopeless. I turned 40 two months ago; and although it didn't bother me, it really does at times put things in perspective. I just don't want to waste any more time being with someone who is not emotionally or physically intimate with me. I have given him so many chances to change. I have tried every tactic in the playbook. There really is nothing more for me to do, except move on. It saddens me to no end, because I do love him. But after this much time has passed, I really am looking at every day as another day further away from the happiness I deserve. I deserve someone who wants to make love to me, someone who wants to be intimate and close to me. I deserve someone I can share everything with.

I have just been so sad. The constant rejection is so wearing. It really brings you down. I've told him repeatedly that I would do anything to fix it, just tell me what the problem is. I would work on anything. But since he offers no explanation, other than it's "him" not me, and that he really does want me, and that he is attracted to me. It's all a big blah, blah, blah, because it never changes.

Tonight I am extra sad, and am so glad I have my SI friends to cry to

[This message edited by rottenkitty at 3:54 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
Lonerider
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Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's brave of you to post that, Majik.

Do you think just getting a divorce would have been the better step?

We're still on the once a month plan, if I'm lucky. I'm hoping DW's job switch helps things, it hasn't yet.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
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