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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
OldIssues
♀ New Member
Member # 26802
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

from the sounds of it it may not be the sex that he's actually wanting...if he just wanted sex he'd be with the OW. Has he been to any counseling or anything? I may understand what he's thinking because i basically do all of the same things to my husband that he's doing to you. I want sex, i get angry when he doesn't want it, but i want him to be fully engaged and wanting it with me. For me sex is (kinda corny prolly) the expression of ur feelings for each other. In reality...sex is just sex, but to me that is what made me feel loved/cherished...or at least it used to before he cheated. Once he cheated i turned our sex into something like a guage of whether we're 'fixed.' If i got the same loved/cherished feeling out of sex then it meant we were fine, so i wanted to constantly test it out...o wow i just figured that all out while typing this hmm...what i really need is to feel loved/cherished outside of the bedroom, so i can stop faking it in the bedroom.

Wow...ok, i gotta ponder on all of that for awhile


BS-me
D-day October 3, 2004

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2009
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I definitely think it's about the sex. We have friends who have real bedroom issues (well, the husband wants sex and the wife apparently hasn't since their 13-yr-old daughter was born). The husband's sticking to the marriage because he made a vow, but my H feels SO sorry for him, he actually advised him that maybe an A is good because look how much more sex we're having now.

I got so mad when I heard that - I told him he should NOT have ever condoned anyone having an affair. It also tells me that he's still lacking in the whole empathy department cuz obviously he hasn't even thought a whit about how hurt the friend's wife would be.

ANYWAY, the topic of his sex drive and machismo issuse came up in our MC, which lasted about 3 months after D-Day. But that counselor was convinced that the culprit was the Viagra. Apparently she's read many studies proving that when guys go on that pill and can suddenly have more erections, they want to go use them somewhere, whether the wife is interested or not.

That wasn't what happened in our case - WH had already been on Viagra for a year and didn't have his A to use his Viagra more; he had A because his life was boring and the best way to spice it up was to have great sex with someone new who would make him feel hot and studly again, and need him constantly in that way.

So since that's the same C he's seeing now as his IC, they pretty much don't talk about that - they've been concentrating their discussions (as far as I'm told, which is limited) on "How can we make H happy?" so he doesn't think he needs to have As anymore. And that may be why H has stopped his IC sessions altogether, because the ideas she's come up with involve... work on his part


Me: BW (54)
Him: WH (61)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you getting out of this marriage? What's the worst that could happen if you're honest with your H and he wants to leave?

On good days, I'm getting a friend, support person, lover, and all sorts of good stuff again. On bad days, I'm wondering why I'm still in this M and if I wouldn't maybe be a lot better off on my own. No other man, just on my own. I'm too scared. And when I'm having a really bad day, I kick myself for all the opportunities I had - with good reason - to leave this past year and a half after D-Day 1 and 2, but wussed out.


Me: BW (54)
Him: WH (61)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
OldIssues
♀ New Member
Member # 26802
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok...he actually suggested an A to someone to resolve issues in their marriage? OMG...yeah, we had great sex for awhile after i found out...but OMG...so not worth the emotional trauma, how could he even suggest that!? To me it seems he doesn't really realize how much he hurt you. He definitely doesn't seem remorseful for it...seems almost happy about it cuz of the sexual results...idk, i'm kinda mad at him for suggesting an affair now, so i probably wouldn't be all that productive in the advice department atm.


BS-me
D-day October 3, 2004

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2009
PAINFUL DAD
♂ New Member
Member # 26241
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS. My WW affair started in MAY/June of last year and was over around October. Sorry I can't be a little more precise but I am also somewhat in the dark.
We have not had sex since the beginning of the A. I have had a real hard time with this and miss the closeness tremendously. I guess I don't understand because I don't ever remember "having a headache", being "too tired" etc. I even tried to be intimate with her the same day as my back surgery
My WW has never had that strong of a sex drive. That is why I don't understand the
A. All I hear from her right now is that she just doesn't feel it.


DDay-11/21/09
BS(me)44
WW-42
OBoy-21 daughters XBF
Better 2 B Wanted

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Virginia
forever_is_over
♀ Member
Member # 25339
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I hear from her right now is that she just doesn't feel it.

That must be so painful and rejecting feeling. I am so sorry.

I am a BS and haven't been able to have sex since D-day. For ME, sex is about trust and safety, feelings that don't come easy after an A. I have sexual feeling for my H, but have felt feellings of regret after previous closeness (making out, etc), so I've just pulled the plug on the whole thing. My H is very needy for physical affirmation, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. And I refuse to force myself.


forever_is_over

BS 39
WS 36, Wanting_2_B_btr
Beautiful son-6yo
One on the way
Married 10 years
D-Day 7.17.09
In R, fighting daily

Own your own shit. . . just bc it stinks and its on my shoe too, doesn't make it mine.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Aug 2009
fallen_to_pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27200
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused. My WH had an EA, and we're trying to reconcile. And in our case, he's the one who just isn't feeling it, and hasn't wanted to come near me in close to 6 months. In fact, he said he's not interested in it with anyone. So during MC, the topic of a low sex drive came up, and he agreed to get tested for low testosterone. I'm hoping that might be the answer to some of our problems, but I don't know. Has anyone else been in this situation?


Me (BS) - 30
Him (XWH) - 35

Now in a happy new relationship.

*If someone wants to be part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.*


Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: USA
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Painful Dad,

Your WW sounds a lot like my xW.

During our 12 year relationship I can count the number of times she initiated sex on my fingers. Sadly there is no way whatsoever to count the number of times she rejected my advances.

With the exception of small boost (like holidays) we averaged between 2 and 4 times per month, whereas I'd be more happy with that per week.

However, with the OM it was more than once per night the 2-3 weeks per year they saw each other. Whilst she didn't dislike the sex with OM, she's admitted that she sometimes felt the sex was the "price she had to pay" for the emotional side of the A.

With the assistance of hind-sight, it is clear that my xW had(has?) many issues with sex. She's in some ways quite repressed and doesn't like to admit that she's a sexual creature (like most of us are) and have urges and needs and instead repressed them.

Many years ago we had an argument about our sexlife, or more accurately lack thereof. I should have encouraged counselling for both of us then, now it's too late...


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term ďmistakeĒ infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey painful dad...

It is very hard for a BS to reach out to their WS for that intimate connection knowing they have had an A. So when we reach out and then are rejected it is significantly more painful. As I like to refer to it... like rubbing salt in the wound.

Although my H and I did not have a very active sex life pre-A, after his A I realized I hadn't paid much attention and used his A as a catalyst for hope and excitement at creating a wonderful, exciting, and intimate sex life. But, H isn't interested. So over a year and a half I have tried to keep my excitement going, but it weights heavily on me every day.

We are in MC and he is in IC and hopefully he will figure out how to fix what he is feeling. So...I don't have any answers or advice...just wanted to say I understand.

Do you ever ask your spouse...if you are not feeling it, then why are you here?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Star727
♀ Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH never was a sexual person. I dont think he had a lot sexual experiences. We have been married for 23 years and I introduced him to oral sex. He had never done it before.

Our sex life was decent but it started to decline after I got pregnant with our second child (he's 17 now). Sex dwindled more and more until 5 years ago, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had the surgery and they saved one of the two nerves. Sex is nonexistent.

Doctors say he can still have a functional sex life but he's given up with me. Don't know if he has a sex life with OW but its not with me. He takes care of me orally on a regular basis but he isnt interested in me trying to pleasure him.

I bought a pump - he says it won't work. I asked him how would he know unless he's tried it before with someone else. Then he says he heard from guys he's talked to who have had prostate cancer surgery that it didnt work. Just because "they" said that, I wasted $100 because he refuses to try it.

I bought a "hollow strap-on" because he felt so bad one night when he tried to have intercourse and he couldnt stay hard and he saw that I was frustrated. He mentioned that he wished he had a strap on so I could be satisfied so I bought one. He wont use it because he says if he gets an erection with it on, it would hurt his penis because it would be squeezed in the hollow penis.

I can suck his dick for damn near an hour and he just lays there. Every so often he shows some "movement". He gets a great erection and I can keep it like that as long as I'm sucking it but as soon as he puts it in me, it goes soft or, it will stay hard and he will have an orgasm, but its not a good, "make your heart beat fast" orgasm.

He has given up on trying to have a satisfying sex life for himself where I am concerned.

Being the loving wife that I try to be, I was so concerned about him that at one time I was willing to turn my head while he gets his satisfaction elsewhere.

That is until I found out about his 10 year EA (and probably PA) with a fellow coworker of ours. She could be giving him the sexual release he needs and he's just laying there with me.

As far as sex with me, 'he's just not that into me.'


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Helpless  Posted: 9:49 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH never initiates sex (and I really do mean never). Just the thought of sex at this point makes me nauseated. Hell, anything intimacy or A related makes me nauseated. Even him touching me makes my skin crawl these days. I have to fight every urge in my body not to hit him.

It isn't for lack of him "trying" (or what he considers trying) to work on R. He wont go to counselling and I think that is the one thing holding us back.

Between that and still having alot of anger, I just don't even want him to touch me.

Just when I thought we were going in the right direction, the anger comes back...


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11468 | Registered: Dec 2009
PAINFUL DAD
♂ New Member
Member # 26241
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookingforward,
Thanks for the reply. We did not have a very actice sex life pre A either. It wasn't because I wasn't interested. She just would rather talk on the phone with friends. As a matter of fact when I think about it I don't think I have ever rejected her in 22+ years of marriage. I asked her a few weeks back if she has ever been rejected. Her reply was "I don't know I guess I have".
Since the affair I have tried to let her know that I still desire her but as I said before she said she just doesn't feel it. I have asked her why is she still here. She can't give me a logical answer.
Don't lose hope. You have your H in MC. I have been trying to get my WW to go to MC since July but she still refuses.
I am finally looking forward to separation.
I just wish my kids didn't have to go through this. They have done nothing to deserve this and it hurts me every day to think about what they are going to have to endure.


DDay-11/21/09
BS(me)44
WW-42
OBoy-21 daughters XBF
Better 2 B Wanted

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Virginia
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still so sad. My H and I talked, he was supposed to tell me what I could do to make it so he is not afraid of me so we can get past this and be intimate again. He is the one who had the A and I am finding it hard to deal with him not wanting sex - no sex. He kept saying it was because he was afraid of me, but during this conversation he said it is really because he is afraid of what will happen and added that he is stressed about his job and some family matters.

I know he is under stress, but I feel like it is just another excuse. Then I wonder to myself why am I trying to force this man to have sex with me? Isn't that what I am doing?

I ask if he still desires me and he says yes, if he didn't why would he be going through all this. He still can't even agree to an action to help move things forward, like perhaps just sleeping together naked (no pressure of sex). But for some reason he can't even bring himself to do that. He said he couldn't tell me why because it would take longer than we had for our conversation (we were limiting our time).

He kisses me hello, goodbye, goodnight, hugs me occasionally, is a little flirty at times...but he still can't seem to cross the line. He asked me to be patient, to relax and not worry about it or be anxious about it. I ask, how long do I wait? It has already been a year since he said he wanted to work on M, do I wait another year, 5 years, forever?

I honestly hate what his actions (the A) have done to us. I hate that if someone were to ask when the last time is that we had sex, my answer would be 2 years and 9 months and his would be 1 year and 5 months (that I know of). I hate knowing that the last person he had sex with wasn't me

[This message edited by lookinforward at 2:00 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 31st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would bump to see if anyone is still out there in this situation.

It is coming up on three years since I've had sex. I could see if I were single, but I'm not. I'm married.

He's still kissing hello, goodbye, hugging, holding my hand, a little flirting here and there. But the kisses last no longer than a split second and the flirting never leads any place. I want us to be able to talk about it without him becoming upset. I want so badly for us to reconnect physically.

It has been so long that I am uncomfortable now. I have even started covering myself up somewhat when I am undressing at night.

I have gone past the anger, still somewhat sad, but I guess I am nearing acceptance that this is what has become of our relationship because I don't think about it every day like I had been.

I do not believe he is still in A. I just think his A broke us and he isn't sure how to fix it.

ETA: we were supposed to be taking an action to move forward since the last time I posted...but we have had two family deaths recently that have had a great impact on our lives. Maybe Spring will see our relationship change for the better - I can only hope so.

[This message edited by lookinforward at 1:22 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
BrokenBadger
♂ Member
Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 31st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím in the same situation, nothing for almost 3 years. That is where our paths diverge. She has been in contact with an ex-bf for the last 9 months that was her ďsoul mateĒ some years ago. So Iíve been dealing with those 2 being in love (albeit with no physical contact) for most of the last year. Iíve heard some pretty awful stuff. She said a few things here and there that make it clear that she doesnít want a physical relationship with me. This is hard to take, and I donít know where Iím finding the strength to endure this. I just look at us as some kind of roommates waiting until the next fork in the road. The whole thing has really put a damper on my general attitude, just doing what I need to do as the weeks go by. I gotta say that I would love to be in a genuine relationship that has an authentic physical component to it. I just have to figure how to get from where I am to where I want to be. Iíve pretty much come to the conclusion that that isnít going to happen where I am now.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Broken. If I new my H was in contact, that would be it for me. I have already endured 3 false R's.

Still nothing here. Not sure how things are going to end up. We seem to be getting closer, but can't seem to venture into the physical.

He doesn't want to talk about it...he would rather me just wait around until he feels comfortable and he will make his move. I have let him know that I am now very uncomfortable and would prefer for us to plan a time so I will feel more at ease.

[This message edited by lookinforward at 12:31 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookingforward

Had to reply when you said that you were looking for people in the same situation as yours...

Here I am...

...can'r remember when we last had sex even before that...took us to MC last spring....I think we had a quickie this summer.

I remember when we went to Hawaii with the kids last Feb./09 I wanted it so bad that I pleaded for it twice in 2 weeks.

I would get hugs...until I found out that H cheated...now I can't even get me to touch me..He says that there is no one else now..I talked about this and told him how much the rejection bothers me.
One night recently he did hug me as we were in bed...I hugged back.

The next night I started hugging him and got rejected...

that hurt so bad!!!

Now I am looking for the separation.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2500 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena... how long have you been in a sexless M?

After the first couple of years we slowed way down.... then a year before his A nothing...but mostly because i didn't initiate and didn't notice he stopped initiating. Thing were very stressful in our life (not our M though, another family situation).

I feel terrible that he has lost interest, it has made me feel very self-conscious. It is just so awkward that I don't feel comfortable naked in front of a man I have been married to for 14 years.

I am once again in the giving up place. Our last MC session went well and we talked about having a weekend getaway with the intention of experimenting with physical intimacy.

I am just not sure how we get through this....

Is there anyone out there that has figured out how to get through this type of situation? Specifically a WS no longer wanting sex with BS?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookingforward

other than what I said in the last post....maybe a year or so ago...he started not giving any foreplay and I started loosing interest...it started hurting actually(too dry) and he would get upset when I tried to ask for(or just casually show him what felt good) more foreplay.

I also stopped initiating as much.

I tried to but I was thinking he was rejecting me still since something happened about 8 years ago...my story is in my profile.

Now with no touching or hugging it feels like a major rejection again...I am giving up.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2500 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
sickofher
♀ Member
Member # 28212
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 month out from dday, if we had sex I initiated it and it wasn't that great, no intimacy just get it over with.
Last night I tried to start it as it had been a week and and get the I'm too tired get away speech. Ask if he was still having sex with OW said no hasn't even spoken with her. Do I believe it? NO.
Goes on to say you never wanted sex in the past, you were too tired blah, blah blah. Does he think hes turning the table now?
Do WH stop wanting sex out of guilt of what they did or do they feel like they are cheating on the OW?


BS-me 45
WS-ass 45
OW-whore 35
together 25yrs married 22yrs last 2 a joke
5 great kids, 20,19,16,11,9
filed for divorce 4-29-10 taking my life back
The grass isn't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it!!

Posts: 157 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: nebraska
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