Wow...ok, i gotta ponder on all of that for awhile
I got so mad when I heard that - I told him he should NOT have ever condoned anyone having an affair. It also tells me that he's still lacking in the whole empathy department cuz obviously he hasn't even thought a whit about how hurt the friend's wife would be.
ANYWAY, the topic of his sex drive and machismo issuse came up in our MC, which lasted about 3 months after D-Day. But that counselor was convinced that the culprit was the Viagra. Apparently she's read many studies proving that when guys go on that pill and can suddenly have more erections, they want to go use them somewhere, whether the wife is interested or not.
That wasn't what happened in our case - WH had already been on Viagra for a year and didn't have his A to use his Viagra more; he had A because his life was boring and the best way to spice it up was to have great sex with someone new who would make him feel hot and studly again, and need him constantly in that way.
So since that's the same C he's seeing now as his IC, they pretty much don't talk about that - they've been concentrating their discussions (as far as I'm told, which is limited) on "How can we make H happy?" so he doesn't think he needs to have As anymore. And that may be why H has stopped his IC sessions altogether, because the ideas she's come up with involve... work on his part
What are you getting out of this marriage? What's the worst that could happen if you're honest with your H and he wants to leave?
On good days, I'm getting a friend, support person, lover, and all sorts of good stuff again. On bad days, I'm wondering why I'm still in this M and if I wouldn't maybe be a lot better off on my own. No other man, just on my own. I'm too scared. And when I'm having a really bad day, I kick myself for all the opportunities I had - with good reason - to leave this past year and a half after D-Day 1 and 2, but wussed out.
All I hear from her right now is that she just doesn't feel it.
That must be so painful and rejecting feeling. I am so sorry.
I am a BS and haven't been able to have sex since D-day. For ME, sex is about trust and safety, feelings that don't come easy after an A. I have sexual feeling for my H, but have felt feellings of regret after previous closeness (making out, etc), so I've just pulled the plug on the whole thing. My H is very needy for physical affirmation, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. And I refuse to force myself.
WS 36, Wanting_2_B_btr
One on the way
Married 10 years
In R, fighting daily
Own your own shit. . . just bc it stinks and its on my shoe too, doesn't make it mine.
Now in a happy new relationship.
*If someone wants to be part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.*
Your WW sounds a lot like my xW.
During our 12 year relationship I can count the number of times she initiated sex on my fingers. Sadly there is no way whatsoever to count the number of times she rejected my advances.
With the exception of small boost (like holidays) we averaged between 2 and 4 times per month, whereas I'd be more happy with that per week.
However, with the OM it was more than once per night the 2-3 weeks per year they saw each other. Whilst she didn't dislike the sex with OM, she's admitted that she sometimes felt the sex was the "price she had to pay" for the emotional side of the A.
With the assistance of hind-sight, it is clear that my xW had(has?) many issues with sex. She's in some ways quite repressed and doesn't like to admit that she's a sexual creature (like most of us are) and have urges and needs and instead repressed them.
Many years ago we had an argument about our sexlife, or more accurately lack thereof. I should have encouraged counselling for both of us then, now it's too late...
"The term ďmistakeĒ infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
It is very hard for a BS to reach out to their WS for that intimate connection knowing they have had an A. So when we reach out and then are rejected it is significantly more painful. As I like to refer to it... like rubbing salt in the wound.
Although my H and I did not have a very active sex life pre-A, after his A I realized I hadn't paid much attention and used his A as a catalyst for hope and excitement at creating a wonderful, exciting, and intimate sex life. But, H isn't interested. So over a year and a half I have tried to keep my excitement going, but it weights heavily on me every day.
We are in MC and he is in IC and hopefully he will figure out how to fix what he is feeling. So...I don't have any answers or advice...just wanted to say I understand.
Do you ever ask your spouse...if you are not feeling it, then why are you here?
Our sex life was decent but it started to decline after I got pregnant with our second child (he's 17 now). Sex dwindled more and more until 5 years ago, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had the surgery and they saved one of the two nerves. Sex is nonexistent.
Doctors say he can still have a functional sex life but he's given up with me. Don't know if he has a sex life with OW but its not with me. He takes care of me orally on a regular basis but he isnt interested in me trying to pleasure him.
I bought a pump - he says it won't work. I asked him how would he know unless he's tried it before with someone else. Then he says he heard from guys he's talked to who have had prostate cancer surgery that it didnt work. Just because "they" said that, I wasted $100 because he refuses to try it.
I bought a "hollow strap-on" because he felt so bad one night when he tried to have intercourse and he couldnt stay hard and he saw that I was frustrated. He mentioned that he wished he had a strap on so I could be satisfied so I bought one. He wont use it because he says if he gets an erection with it on, it would hurt his penis because it would be squeezed in the hollow penis.
I can suck his dick for damn near an hour and he just lays there. Every so often he shows some "movement". He gets a great erection and I can keep it like that as long as I'm sucking it but as soon as he puts it in me, it goes soft or, it will stay hard and he will have an orgasm, but its not a good, "make your heart beat fast" orgasm.
He has given up on trying to have a satisfying sex life for himself where I am concerned.
Being the loving wife that I try to be, I was so concerned about him that at one time I was willing to turn my head while he gets his satisfaction elsewhere.
That is until I found out about his 10 year EA (and probably PA) with a fellow coworker of ours. She could be giving him the sexual release he needs and he's just laying there with me.
As far as sex with me, 'he's just not that into me.'
"It ain't about love anymore."
It isn't for lack of him "trying" (or what he considers trying) to work on R. He wont go to counselling and I think that is the one thing holding us back.
Between that and still having alot of anger, I just don't even want him to touch me.
Just when I thought we were going in the right direction, the anger comes back...
I know he is under stress, but I feel like it is just another excuse. Then I wonder to myself why am I trying to force this man to have sex with me? Isn't that what I am doing?
I ask if he still desires me and he says yes, if he didn't why would he be going through all this. He still can't even agree to an action to help move things forward, like perhaps just sleeping together naked (no pressure of sex). But for some reason he can't even bring himself to do that. He said he couldn't tell me why because it would take longer than we had for our conversation (we were limiting our time).
He kisses me hello, goodbye, goodnight, hugs me occasionally, is a little flirty at times...but he still can't seem to cross the line. He asked me to be patient, to relax and not worry about it or be anxious about it. I ask, how long do I wait? It has already been a year since he said he wanted to work on M, do I wait another year, 5 years, forever?
I honestly hate what his actions (the A) have done to us. I hate that if someone were to ask when the last time is that we had sex, my answer would be 2 years and 9 months and his would be 1 year and 5 months (that I know of). I hate knowing that the last person he had sex with wasn't me
[This message edited by lookinforward at 2:00 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]
It is coming up on three years since I've had sex. I could see if I were single, but I'm not. I'm married.
He's still kissing hello, goodbye, hugging, holding my hand, a little flirting here and there. But the kisses last no longer than a split second and the flirting never leads any place. I want us to be able to talk about it without him becoming upset. I want so badly for us to reconnect physically.
It has been so long that I am uncomfortable now. I have even started covering myself up somewhat when I am undressing at night.
I have gone past the anger, still somewhat sad, but I guess I am nearing acceptance that this is what has become of our relationship because I don't think about it every day like I had been.
I do not believe he is still in A. I just think his A broke us and he isn't sure how to fix it.
ETA: we were supposed to be taking an action to move forward since the last time I posted...but we have had two family deaths recently that have had a great impact on our lives. Maybe Spring will see our relationship change for the better - I can only hope so.
[This message edited by lookinforward at 1:22 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]
Still nothing here. Not sure how things are going to end up. We seem to be getting closer, but can't seem to venture into the physical.
He doesn't want to talk about it...he would rather me just wait around until he feels comfortable and he will make his move. I have let him know that I am now very uncomfortable and would prefer for us to plan a time so I will feel more at ease.
[This message edited by lookinforward at 12:31 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]
Had to reply when you said that you were looking for people in the same situation as yours...
Here I am...
...can'r remember when we last had sex even before that...took us to MC last spring....I think we had a quickie this summer.
I remember when we went to Hawaii with the kids last Feb./09 I wanted it so bad that I pleaded for it twice in 2 weeks.
I would get hugs...until I found out that H cheated...now I can't even get me to touch me..He says that there is no one else now..I talked about this and told him how much the rejection bothers me.
One night recently he did hug me as we were in bed...I hugged back.
The next night I started hugging him and got rejected...
that hurt so bad!!!
Now I am looking for the separation.
After the first couple of years we slowed way down.... then a year before his A nothing...but mostly because i didn't initiate and didn't notice he stopped initiating. Thing were very stressful in our life (not our M though, another family situation).
I feel terrible that he has lost interest, it has made me feel very self-conscious. It is just so awkward that I don't feel comfortable naked in front of a man I have been married to for 14 years.
I am once again in the giving up place. Our last MC session went well and we talked about having a weekend getaway with the intention of experimenting with physical intimacy.
I am just not sure how we get through this....
Is there anyone out there that has figured out how to get through this type of situation? Specifically a WS no longer wanting sex with BS?
other than what I said in the last post....maybe a year or so ago...he started not giving any foreplay and I started loosing interest...it started hurting actually(too dry) and he would get upset when I tried to ask for(or just casually show him what felt good) more foreplay.
I also stopped initiating as much.
I tried to but I was thinking he was rejecting me still since something happened about 8 years ago...my story is in my profile.
Now with no touching or hugging it feels like a major rejection again...I am giving up.