Please help me.
Do not succumb to this. Break off contact with the OM. If it is time to leave your husband, then do so. But don't sleep with OM again so long as you or he are married.
I have previously lived in a mostly sexless marriage and got to the break-point where it was time to leave or have my wife follow through. I made it clear I was willing to go and she responded to it.
I have been tempted and had opportunity to cheat, but did not do so. For your own sake, lay down the law and deal with the fall-out. I hate the thought of divorce, but it is better than a marriage filled with deception and hidden affairs.
Don't do it.
Hey, I'm in my early 40's, and for most of my married life I wasn't getting the amount of sex I wanted. When it gets too bad, I tell my wife.
What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of relationship do you want with your H? Is contacting the OM going to get you there?
I knew something was up with my wife when she was cheating, when she confessed, I was shocked a little, but not surprised.
Your H may know something is up, even if he can't put his finger on it. That probably doesn't help.
Then it started tapering off, but that was understandable since we had an infant to deal with.
In the last 5 yrs there hasn't been much sex to speak of. He's too tired, too stressed, too something.
I just found out last night that he'd been having an affair for 4 of those years. I can't even blame her, because he never told her that he was married.
Well, he *finally* broke it off, and a few months later the woman found out that she was pregnant. The baby is 18 months old.
Still no sex. Right now that's a good thing because I don't want him touching me.
The year before we got married we had sex 1x. The year we got married we had sex 2x. Afterwards it was 1x every 10 or 11 months. I knew about his massive amounts of porn. He knew I was writing erotica. (I now consider every one of my stories an EA, by the way.)
It took me until this year to start asking the really hard questions and start digging for answers.
The tipping point was that I knew he likes lingerie. In April I spent good $$$ on a sexy outfit. Only to have him feel me up and give every apparent indicator that he was enjoying hemself, only to then tell me the outfit was the wrong color and he wasn't that interested after all.
I gave it a few weeks, even bought the same outfit in the right color (couldn't bring myself to put it on, though). I know DH saw the outfit several times. I know he pleasured himself at the thought of the outfit several times. I even found a picture he photo shopped with me in the outfit. Which was more than a little creepy.
But then, when he was receptive to talking I somehow asked the right question. DH told me that he didn't think there was a woman alive who wanted his sperm, he was that much of a failure. In another conversation he told me he was having confidence issues. I asked the right question again and found out DH pleasures himself at least 5x a week. And when I challenged him about 'confidence issues' he blurted out that he didn't think actually having sex was right because it would upset his mom. So anything he did had to be absolutely perfect and on paper, because paper was easier to hide from her if she walked in. This is quite a stunner to hear from a 45 year old male who'd not lived with his mother for some time.
(I have since learned all 3 answers were taken off of movies/tv shows/web cartoons or blogs. But I believe the last answer is probably the closest to the truth when put in context with other things that I am now aware of and that his mother is independently confirming.)
Through all of this my message to my DH has been exactly the same: Stop lying. I'm tired of it. Just tell me the fucking truth. I'll pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.
Last time we managed to get horizontile was in Oct of '08. When I reminded him of the date in Sept of this year it took him two months to ramp up the effort to try and sleep with me. It was completely mean, I know, but I turned him down, told him no more. I couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster. It makes me a very bad spouse, I know, and an even worse friend.
The thing is, with everything else that's going on in our lives. I knock before I enter the office and he knocks before he comes into the bedroom. It's not a perfect situation, and it's not a forever situation. But it's a hell of a lot better than looking up and realizing my DH is giving me pity sex and that I may have to wait another 11 months to see that look on his face again.
H isn't interested in sex anymore, unless i beg him, and then i feel bad that i had to beg...i don't want pity sex, i want him to want me. There's no kissing, no hugging, no hand holding...nothing...unless i initiate, and then it's like he doesn't even notice. If i hug him he doesn't hug back, but if i raise his arms and put them around me then he'll keep them where i put them, but that's it.
Initially after the A we had sex constantly...i was tryin to reclaim what was 'mine' and he was doing whatever i wanted. Then i went through a phase for a year of trying to do w/e i could to make him happy...cuz i thought the A was my fault, so i had to be better than i'd been before. I'm over that now, but i'm not sure he's being faithful, i've found incriminating text messages and he had an excuse, and for some reason i still love him, so i don't want to believe he's actually cheating again unless i catch him in the act...but at the same time part of me KNOWS he's cheating on me again(whether he is or i'm just paranoid, i KNOW) Divorce was brought up and he told me i need to clean house more...if i clean house everyday he'll have sex with me...but i don't want to be a housekeeper that gets paid with sex. I've been thinking about cheating lately as well, i told him i was thinking about cheating because to me that means we have some serious issues we need to work on....he just told me that he wishes i would cheat on him and get it out of my system.
I know i posted alot and some of this may seem like venting, idk...i've just never had any help with this and i would love love LOVE any advice out there anywhere for me...i feel so lost..still, after 5 years, someone help me please!
It doesn't sound like your H respects you. Is he open to marriage counseling?
I've been focusing so much negativity towards him for not giving me what i need that i wasn't accepting my own issues. Is the A what caused my self-esteem to drop? ABSOLUTELY...but does it have to stay so low? i think not. I've been assuming he feels the same way about me that i felt about myself. I'm starting to feel sexy again, maybe i should assume he thinks i'm sexy too
Hmmm...the more I read on this site the more i realize i need to worry more about what i want/need from myself, not what i want/need from him.
Then 9 months later his OW died and he freaked. That's when I discovered the affairs. They had ended by the time he came to me and said he was miserable and wanted out.
But the sex thing REALLY got to me.... how could he have sex with so many women so often and we were getting by (after the divorce threat) with maybe once a month. But to me, after 10 years of celibacy, that was a TON of sex.
But lonerider could be right.. He may know something is up, not the specifics, but I bet he suspects you were going to leave him for someone... that's why the quick turn around. You know I think we women immediately jump to the "you're cheating on me" and men to the "you want to leave me for someone (but you haven't had sex)" because I think that's society's "norm".
You HAVE to cut off all contact with OM. Not just for yourself and your M, but because anyone involved in an ongoing affair is not supposed to be here. And if you're still in contact, and it's still secret, you're still in an affair. We're trying to survive it.
Go to Wayward and get some opinions from our fabulous FWs on how to break free for good.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Lonerider- I WANT to be the respectful loving wife who stands by her man thru thick and thin. My R with H is great in most aspects except when it comes to sex. And NO, contacting OM will not get me to my goal of a strong united marriage. My H DID suspect something was up when I was in the heart of my 2 month PA, and I denied it. That's the time he TOTALLY changed for the better and gave me about the BEST time in our bedroom. (Unfortunately, not even an inkling of that has carried on....it's as if he reclaimed me and has me sitting idle in this respect.) I did meet OM ONCE last summer. Weird thing, it was just OK, but I suppose something was better than nothing to me. But I have to ask myself, 'Is this REALLY worth it?'
KikiD- I am so sorry about your circumstances. So sorry.
Sammie- Your story brings back memories of YEARS ago, when things weren't SO bad...I too put on sexy lingerie, only to be ignored. Devastating, I say.
Old-I too, am glad I found this site. At least I am not alone. I once tried getting advice on a popular health board in regards to trying to figure out his sexless drive, only to bet blasted pretty badly. In regards to housework? Heard the same BS from my H. And couseling? Been there, done that, except, unfortunately, sex was never brought up as it wasn't the severe issue at the time. And he says he will never go to counseling again.
Weepy- Thanks for the advice. This site is great and I will check out the Wayward side. But you mention 'still secret', is it mandatory to confess to H? To me, that seems selfish in the fact that it relieves MY conscience, but pains him.
You know, for YEARS, our marriage was bad. And my self esteem was LOW. He used to tell me all the time that ALL of our problems were ALL MY FAULT. I felt worthless and wanted to check out of life itself. (He would yell IN MY FACE, two inches away, eye to eye, that EVERYTHING was MY FAULT.) Somehow I picked my self up. Then OM, started giving me attention at the same time we decided to split. When I strayed it was when we were apart, just house in common. I had ALL the taletell signs of a cheating wife....VERY possesive of my cell phone, secretive on the computer, wearing cuter clothes, make up done all the time, etc. But then again, at the time, it was not really his business due to the fact that we were separating. My H has NO SIGNS whatsoever, of cheating, but sometimes, people say things and it makes me wonder. His hygeine is not like you would have if he was meeting someone, I see ALL of the cell records, he DOES work late, but that is certainly explained, and he goes NO WHERE once he is at home. And at work? There is no opportunity. His boss is a woman, NOT cute in ANY way, and is most likely a lesbian. I could NOT see him with her. But I must say, I could not say 100% that he has not strayed. I could say a 1/2% that he has.
Thanks for the insight people! Will check this site out more. Just glad that I am not the ONLY ONE in this situation.
[This message edited by sexless at 11:29 AM, December 18th (Friday)]
It sounds like your H was abusive, it's not an excuse for cheating, but it makes it more understandable.
It's easy for me to say, but if you've talked to your H about your lack of sex life, and he's not willing to fix it, or go to counseling, it sounds like you've done all you can do, and can consider a divorce.
I'm new to this thread but definitely not new to some of the feelings expressed here. For me (BS), sex with H has always been wonderful, but as I entered my mid to late 40s, my urges -- naturally, I think -- began to wane. H's did not, but since he expects full participation from me (as in me orgasming, nothing less is acceptable), then I cut back on our frequency. I didn't necessarily WANT to, but I just wasn't interested or physically able more than once a week. He was already having to take Viagra, and I guess I thought we were both just getting older and it was OK even though he was always making suggestive comments and sometimes getting downright mad at me (but still not wanting me to have sex unless I REALLY wanted to). I felt between a proverbial rock and a hard place
Then came the A - she gave him everything in spades that he wasn't getting from me. She was head over heels just freshly in love with him and totally full of herself as some sort of sex goddess, so why wouldn't she, especially trying to manipulate him by playing up to his studliness as much as possible.
Meanwhile, sex with me became "eh" (yes, his description), and yet he was still pestering me for it all the time but still insisting that I be totally into it. My dilemma seemed to be getting worse and I felt more and more despondent about it, but still trusted him. I didn't know what to do about his anger that I didn't initiate more and didn't throw myself at him more, because he requires 1/2 an hour for the damn pill to start working. To me, initiating was asking him to take a pill, but apparently then I'm supposed to do a fan dance for the next half an hour and tell him how studly he is and how badly I want him, and not be faking it at all, of course.
Okay, so things were not good, but I thought we had reached some sort of compromise (I still didn't know about A) that once a week, I would give him and sex with him my all (and thoroughly enjoy it for real). But even during A when he was screwing her in the back of her car every chance he got, he was still pestering me for more, more "eh" but still moer.
I don't think he's a sex addict by the strict definition, but I do think he's very oversexed - it seems to be connected, whether physically or mentally or both, to his machismo Latino upbringing.
D-day happened and part of my RAGE against him was why - if he was getting everything he wanted constantly from her - did he still make me feel so crappy about not throwing myself at him more. Well, his answer was that he really just wanted me, and he wanted me more, but since he couldn't have me more, he had her, but he really wanted me (underlying message - all my fault).
In an attempt to R, I have tried SO hard to overcome some of my aversions, to act a lot more interested, to remind myself that just being close to him is wonderful even if I'm not going into orbit every time. But the bottom line is we now have sex pretty much every other night, and other than once a week, I'm totally faking it. After 25 years of reality, I'm pretty good at knowing exactly how to fake convincingly. And of course, I've really painted myself into a corner because he's convinced I really WANT all this sex with him all the time, when reality is I'd still be so happy with once a week where I don't have to fake anything at all.
This past week has been really difficult, and we've had to really work at achieving anything, and since I already resent having to fake for him, I really resent having to fake for more than an hour because he needs me to do this for him (he was actually whining). Why can't he JUST SLOW DOWN?! Why do we still have to try and behave like we're in our 20s?
He's told me that if I lost interest in sex with him, he'd pretty much have to leave me, which reduces our marriage to little more than just a way for him to have sex. But if that's so all-important, then why did he choose me over OW who was gladly giving it to him every time she could? I'm just so confused, and feeling so trapped by my own actions to try and make him happier.
He cheated on me but I feel like I'm having to do all this work to make him happy. I just don't know what to do. I know it's not honest of me to fake it so much, but I don't think he wants to really hear honest. And frankly, honest might destroy our marriage completely... It's a real dilemma and I don't know if I can stand this for another 10 or 20 or however many years.
I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like your H is treating you as an equal in your marriage.
I'm a big believer in being honest with your spouse (but not malicious).
What are you getting out of this marriage? What's the worst that could happen if you're honest with your H and he wants to leave?