Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump.... anyone have any good news on this front, specifically a BS whose WS wasn't interested in sex, but has overcome the problems and is interested now?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
oja825
Member
Member # 17449
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years. I have a high sex drive. After 5 years I had affairs, then stopped 2 years ago.

Still no sex from husband . Every time I try talking to him about it he shuts down.

I wonder how long I can go on like this. I don't want to have an affair (which often made the frustration worse) nor do I want to divorce. H does not want to divorce either.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2007
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, October 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, fifteen years? Do you think it is time to go to counseling to find out why he is not interested? It doesn't sound normal for man his age to not be interested. Perhaps he has some physical or mental issues that might fix things for you two.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW returned from an overnight company training yesterday and told me that she and a female collegue discussed their lack of sex drives...they are both mid-forties. Her friend said that her H is frustrated...my FWW echoed.

My problem is pre A our sex was great...she would initiate and clearly enjoy the sessions. Post A to current the drive is gone. Of course this leaves me confused for obvious reasons.

I am afraid that it will never return...and I can't fathom my life without the JOY of sex with my W!


Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It certainly is a kick in the nuts.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all.

After my DD#2 I was not really interested in sex with her. After a short time I realized that no sex from me could very well mean sex for one more OM. Once I got past the idea that the well was poisoned I was able to drink the water, and have a pretty good sex life.

She was the same towards me before, during and after the A. She did not hesitate to initiate, and was more than adequate in the sex dept.

There are some very legitimate reason for the non interest in sex. I have had experience with two. #1 Menopause. #2 ED.

When she went into menopause her libito dropped, but the real show stopper was vaginal dryness. That makes sex very painful for the woman. It is also a turn off for the man.

Now for the ED. That really is a total show stopper. No way to have intercourse with a soft dick.

The reason I am giving this health class is the fact that you do not have to be my age to experience these problems, especially the man stuff.

Without the history of the A in your head, these problems exist. A man can have a failure, think about the failure the next time and have failure again. Hello performance anxiety. Now, add in the A. If you have failure are you having performance anxiety, "ghosts" in the room from the A, or could it just be a total physical problem? If the ED pills don't help then it is time to see Dr again. I go next week.

The good news is that my WW regained her sex drive. With some medication the dryness in not as severe. Now if I can just get fixed. ( That was a poor choice of words. Male dogs everywhere are saying "DON"T GET FIXED!!" )
I should have said repaired.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, OD. While what you say is true, in my case, it's just not coming from W. I don't have any trouble saluting, and although she uses the peri excuse, she used the peri excuse while she was having her A, and pleasing her OM. You can see my frustration, compounded by the fact that, when she first wanted to R, she was all over me, then suddenly, she's "not very fond" of the whole thing.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Lostsoul&<3
♀ Member
Member # 18154
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS dealing with no sex drive which makes me sad. It has been about a year to year and half since it disappeared on me. So about the 4 yr mark from Dday. I knew it was slipping and tried talking to WH about it but like everything else A related he didn't want to talk or got pissed off.
The bad thing is NOW he wants to work on things and has been reading on Wayward board.
I actually miss my sex drive. I had a very high drive and before his A I was the one pushing for more sex and such between us.
Now it is gone he is the one chasing me and then getting upset cause I'm not interested. He is tired of initiating and me not being affectionate. Of course him telling me he feels like I don't want him and other such jabs sure don't help.
I'm at a loss on what to do. I do love him but I just can't get into the frame of mind to have sex. If I do manage to have sex I cry afterwards cause I miss the connection and oomph! that sex(loving making gave me).

I know why my drive is gone but trying to explain to WH that just doesn't seem to sink in. He says he understands but 10 minutes later he is back to trying to initiate.
I'm hoping my drive comes back. Of course I also wish WH would see and actually understand what I'm going through on this.


Me~39~~BW
Him~38~~WH
DSs 17 and 13
D-day 4/27/04

A shell going through the motions of living a life.



Posts: 673 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: southern state
oja825
Member
Member # 17449
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookinforward-- he refuses counseling/ medical intervention of any kind. I would be happy if we had ANY physical contact but he seems to be touch averse.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2007
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsoul- I could have written your post!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Confusion
♂ New Member
Member # 25935
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My post is a bit of a different. Sex between my WW and I had completely dried up for at least a year prior to the A. I had tried to re-ignite the passion between us but it didnt work. I got all kinds of excuses. We were still in love but even I, whose sex drive hadnt slowed down, had trouble seeing her in that light.

The A has hurt me even more because of this. She wasn't able to feel anything for me but she was with the OM. Now we are attempting - I stress that word - to reconcile and it seems all she does is want to have sex.

Now it is the furthest thing from my mind. Not that I dont want to but just that it would be incredibly degrading to me.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things have gone from bad to worse. This whole thing is like a bad joke now, she was plenty able to put out for OM's, and more then willing to, when she wanted me back, now it has completely dried up. Zero, zilch! Twice now, complete rejection!! Excuses upon excuses. I can't be in a sexless relationship.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that Jimi. Rejection is VERY tough after WW has already shown such disrespect by having A. This is exactly how I feel too.

My WW is not interested in sex ATM. It has been 4 months w/o sex...well, that may not seem like a long time to some...it sure does to me. Our MC asked us about our sex life yesterday and we told MC it was zilch. She told us to go "do it"....even if it feels awkward at first. We'll see how this works.

Anyway...why the hell does a WW not want to have sex? I mean, it's not like she is grossed out b/c I had an A. Shouldn't I be the one "not interested"? Strange stuff.

[This message edited by Just Crushed at 5:41 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)]


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway...why the hell does a WW not want to have sex? I mean, it's not like she is grossed out b/c I had an A. Shouldn't I be the one "not interested"? Strange stuff.

You know, this question gets asked lots, and the answers are always, guilt, depression, something along those lines, I'm pretty fucking tired of this shit, and I don't think I'm going to be nice about it any longer.

It's time for her to suck it up, and show me the attention I deserve from her. The bullshit stops now!!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((jimi))

I know what you mean. Not sure what you do about it, short of leaving, which I'm contemplating. I'm not going to "rape" my spouse. If he finds me that unattractive physically, well, guess I need to give us both an out. Just wish he would have done that before ripping my heart out and stomping all over it and my ego by having an affair. Because being in a sexless relationship with a spouse that cheats is the epitome of salt in the wound.

[This message edited by Pentup at 7:26 AM, November 6th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6255 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad to report some progress on this front.

About 4 months ago I told my wife I was not satisfied in the marriage, primarily the lack of sex. I never said it this way before, making it clear the marriage was failing.

She responded by sharing her dissatisfactions as well. We left it at that and I went back to counting days between sex and preparing myself mentally for divorce.

After a while, she went to her doctor. She is now on Prozac and applying a testosterone cream to increase her sex drive. I have seen much improvement in both morale and sex.

I would rather a happy wife that wants sex than an angry, frigid roommate any day - even if it takes the drugs.

PS - I know nothing about these tests, but on a scale of 0 to 7 she was a 0.1 in testosterone. Apparently the norm is 5. She is 49 years old.

Menopause/Perimenopause is a bitch.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
devastatedstill
♂ Member
Member # 14232
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being in a sexless relationship with a spouse that cheats is the epitome of salt in the wound.

couldn't have said it better myself!

ds


me: BS, 51
her: WW 41
M: 14 yrs, together 16, 3 kids
Separated
WW wants D
dday: 4/7/2006
You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend. -Bob Dylan

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Apr 2007
Top Jimmy
♂ Member
Member # 20566
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had what amounts to a talk about this issue in our household recently.

I wrote a frustrated letter, and she gave me a hug.
Now, we actually talked about divorce, and I bought the "kit" today. Maybe we can hash it out like adults--if not, I have a lawyer and it costs about $3k.

Now that we've reached this stage, she wonders if we should separate for a while. Hell, I've been living like a roommate for years now. I'd like to move on.

We love each other, but she has no desire for me and admits it was "different" with the OM. That's cool. I just don't want to be living with a woman who is incapable of loving me back the same as I love her....

Sounds fair enough to me.


Me: BS 42
Her: WS 43
Kids: 11. 14
A-Day: 4/1/03?
D-Day: 8/8/08
D-Day, the sequel: 10/20/08
D-Day 3-D!!!! this is getting old, quick... 4/10

Posts: 231 | Registered: Aug 2008
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been following your story for a while. Do you think your wife was at all relieved when you made this announcement?

Were you guys having any sex at all, or totally sexless?

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, November 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just saw this thread. I'm the BS, just over 5 years out from my DD#1, there were too many to count thanks to trickle truth. We have R, he is affectionate and loving. Before D-days we had a great sex life, since, not so much. As time goes on I have less and less desire. I don't initiate often and when I do it's because I've realized that it's been a while when he does or hints at it, I tend to deflect. I enjoy it once we get going but the total attraction I once had is gone, it slowly eroded over the trickle truth of the first year or so. We have fun, lots of laughs, we're affectionate at home and out (not overly so but we've never been that "get a room" PDA), do well financially even with me losing my job last December, next to never argue (never have). It's just I've never been able to get over 100%. I came to the epiphany a few months ago that it's because I will never let myself open up to him like before so that I know he will never hurt me again.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 446
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.