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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I got it, I click on the last number and that brings up the most recent posts....Ok well WH has his first appt with our counselor tonight. I say "our" counselor because the last time I found phone numbers and that he was having "friendships" with women I didn't know about, we went and saw this guy. I too saw him last week. He told me "don't walk away from your H...RUN! But we spoke yesterday and he said yes he is coming to see me. He said he was gonna be real tough on him and I told him I was afraid he wouldnt really come completely clean as he hasn't come clean with me entirely. WH says he can't tell me everything I want to know. It's to hard. Now he is only admitting to haveing sex with the one girl I called last week. The problem is he has had sex with her multiple times dating back 6 years. Were back to acting like things are dine once again. Why does that happen? Is it just a way of coping? Trying to keep peace in front of the kids? What if he doesn't seek help for his SA? Am I kidding myself by telling myself and everyone else that once Im through nursing school, if he does this again, Im leaving? I really need help.....


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on in awhile, but I've been thinking of you.

I'm so sorry to see that many are struggling and that there are so many new members. Welcome to everyone. We all do our best to help and support each other by sharing our stories, our struggles and our successes.

It has been said before but certainly bears repeating: you CANNOT have a healthy relationship with someone who is cheating on you, disrespecting your feelings, minimizing their own issues and refusing to participate in recovery.

Your only job is to take care of yourself, keep yourself (and your kids, if you have them) safe, and learn to heal yourself. You cannot fix anyone. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially when most of us have spent years (if not a lifetime) taking care of everyone else and wishing they would just do what we want them to do. They will heal when/if they're ready.
All we can do is treat ourselves with respect -- refuse to allow anyone to treat our physical and emotional health as less important.

Please -- all of you -- take care of yourselves. Respect yourselves. Love yourselves. It's amazing how clear everything looks when you take care of yourself.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been said before but certainly bears repeating: you CANNOT have a healthy relationship with someone who is cheating on you, disrespecting your feelings, minimizing their own issues and refusing to participate in recovery.

That is the conclusion I came to a year after finding out my ex was unfaithful. At first I thought there was just one woman, but then some facts trickled out very slowly over the next year. I found out there were others, I found out the one he was seeing currently had an open marriage, and that her husband participated as a voyeur (maybe more, I don't know). They went to swing clubs together ("only to talk"...yeah right!) My ex told me they had a strong and close marriage (which turned to be false, since their marriage broke down and he killed himself last October). My ex also told he wanted to start dating others.

After all that, I realized that I was being much too tolerant and told him he had to make a choice: his family or that lifestyle. He walked, filed for divorce, and slapped me with a couple of court orders forbidding me to tell anyone about his activities, and to return his personal porn pics I found on his computer (the pics were the last straw; I couldn't stay with him after seeing those).

All I can wonder is how I never saw that side of him before. That is not love. That is not healthy marital behavior to exhibit in front of our kids, neither from him nor me.

I'll be broke for the rest of my life, but I am happy to be free of trying to help a man who refused to be helped. That takes too much wasted energy.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Shocked  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I can't believe he thinks this way!!!
WHSA was away for part of the week and was proud of his good behavior. However, he said he came to a conclusion that he was acting out because he wasn't getting enough excitement from me! He says if I would give him more sex and follow his more "exotic" desires he would have no need for cyber sex, porn and hookers!!! What an ASS!!!!! He wants me to be his live in whore and will still probably go to his porn and hookers. He thinks he has it figured out and only needs IC to figure out how to get into my pants more. He is still obsessed with sex, but is now projecting everything on me. He refuses SAC, group meetings or pastoral counseling. I am out of here!!!


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FM,

I'm glad that you see through his crap and won't put up with it.

Has he started IC yet? I recommend having him go to a CSAT. My WH went to IC who doesn't even really believe in SA, and just helped him justify his behavior more. Hopefully he will at least find an IC who specializes in addiction.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken: He is in IC, and is getting some help, but not what he needs. He has so many other issues but won't own up to them. I was afraid of this. He cannot understand that his behavior for the past 30 years has been horrible. I was trapped with three small children and decided to stick it out for them. Now all that is behind me, and I can see him for what he is- a sad, empty, shell of a person who can't accept his own problems.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((flowermom)))

this all sucks


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for all the new people here but glad that you found this group of really supportive women.

A little update on me and my sitch: Not much change. My SAH has this week started meeting with a new sponsor. So I guess that is something.

I'm just frustrated because he does seem like he wants recovery but I don't understand why it's SO hard for him to achieve sobriety. I asked how he was doing and he said good. I asked what good meant and he said that he wasn't acting out. Great, right? But then I asked about sobriety and he acted out on Mon. So how is that "good"??? He was proud that he went 11 days having sobriety because he didn't give in all the times that he wanted to.

I just don't understand why he can't have the recovery that I hear about from the spouses in my group. Most of their men figure out they have a problem and then don't go backward.

So I just don't know how I feel but I'll keep just working on me and taking care of me.

Good words, EO!!


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same boat as Flowermom~ I have young kids, have become dependent financially, and feel so stuck. At the same time, I feel so much love for my WS. I believe he is a SA but he is not in treatment and dont know if he will be. I do not want to be alone. I don't want to continue on without him. Am I sick? The one thing I say to myself is..."atleast he hasn't left me for someone else" and that has always been a fear of mine. Why? Oh I wish I had snwers for myself and for all of you going through this with me.


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz:
I am so sorry you are in this boat. My life was hell for so long, and I know you are feeling the same things. I have some thoughts for you. They won't stop the problem, but will help you. 1. quietly start putting money aside. Do what ever you can, even if only a few dollars a week. DON'T LET HIM KNOW!!!! not ever, not even a hint. Have it kept with a friend, family member or someone you can trust. Or, hide it well. 2. Get some more education or training. Find something that interests you and learn!! Find a way!!! You are a strong woman and get going! You have kids and yourself to take care of, and you deserve more than what you have now. and 3. Become more independent. Learn to take care of your car, pay the bills, and anything else you have depended on your H for. If you can do these things, you will be a better all around person. You will be able to take care you yourself and the kids. If things work out, take the saved money and take a nice vacation. The education is never wasted. Being independent and able to take care of yourself makes you stronger and more self assured. You are worth it and don't let anyone say differently. Hugs to you, FM


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I haven't been on this thread for a while, it has been a bit too painful to think about stbxh and the crap he put me thru, didn't want to revisit it, but am feeling a bit stronger now.

whatnowaz - I am so sorry for what you are going thru, and the fact that he gave you a std.

flowermom - you are right. If you gave in to the sex practices he wanted, sooner or later he would require more, and different, and it really never ends, as they have to keep escalating and trying different things to get the same "high".

And you would lose yourself in the process.

The most important thing that we can do with a H that is not in recovery is to learn to detach. Because, SA is a mental illness, and living with someone that is mentally ill can make you mentally ill also. Although there is treatment available, the addict has to want it, for himself, not because someone has pushed him into it, or it will not last.

Mine never did seek help (see my tagline.) He is still totally living in denial, and his mom told me he has moved someone else into his condo on the beach. Poor girl. I wonder if she realizes he will never be available emotionally for her, and that she will never be enough for him sexually. (Of course, she may just be with him for the money, so, then they are both well suited for using each other).

I would have stayed with him if he had gotten help, but I realized with a lot of help from the knowledgeable people on this board that staying with him while he was sick was only making me crazy and sick also.

I was constantly doubting myself, as on the last page a few of you were posting about how easily they can fool others, and make everyone think it is all our fault that they have to cheat, or that nothing has actually ever happened (my STBXH's favorite).

He is so personable and charming that everyone believes him. (Except, now my mil and sil truly get it, and are on my side, and also realize he is very ill).

Anyway, for those of you with a H that is NOT in recovery, learn to put yourself and your needs first. It is a survival must! Pocket some money away for your financial freedom, if it comes to that, get some type of job training, go to a codependency group if you feel that may help (like cosa or al-anon), build up an IRL support system to help you thru this.

It is shocking, and mind numbing, and can send you into ptsd, and I found IC to be incredibly helpful also.

Good luck and (((hugs))) to everyone!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all of you - absolutely - you have to separate the man from the addiction. Honestly and truthfully know our own values and set your own boundaries. If he is actively seeking sobriety and recovery then my choice would be to try to work on myself while he worked on himself. (that seemed to work for me

We are dealing with very immature, compulsive people and I cannot begin to wrap my head around what it is they wrap their heads around


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
silencesoloud
♀ Member
Member # 23669
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone asked for my story . It's in general .


BS (me) 30's
WH 30's
high school sweethearts
4 kids S17 , D9 , S6 , S 10 months
Agreed to NC 11/15/2010
was never actually NC
Multiple affairs , hookers , porn , you name it .
hurting like hell still but working through it for ME .

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2009
amy2716
♀ New Member
Member # 24606
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been six weeks since I discovered my husband of 10 years relapsed. I first discovered the problem early on in my first pregnancy (after 5 years of marriage)and I whole-heartedly believed that he was committed to recovery. After much therapy and his promise to continued individual and group therapy we were able to move on with our lives. Four years have passed and we're back in the same situation, but this time we have two young children and I'm a lot less understanding. He admits to lying to his therapist for years about his relapse. Trust is completely broken.

He agreed to enter a two week intensive program to treat his sexual addiction. We had a mediated disclosure session this past Friday. If there was any hope for our marriage surviving, Id hope Id finally hear the complete story not bits and pieces like in the past. His story is basically the same as it was years ago, but my gut tells me there has to be more. He admitted to having an intense foot fetish. He admitted to calling massage parlors, escorts, nail shops, visiting bondage places, strip clubs, adult stores, and swingers clubs. That he went out of his way to find women with "pretty feet" then approached them to compliment them on their feet. He would later create a fantasy about those encounters and act out at home. He is claims that he NEVER had physical contact with anyone. He also claims that he can't remember passwords to on-line dating accounts that I discovered on his laptop -- I'm not talking e-harmony here. These were hard core alternative lifestyle sites.

After the disclosure session, both of our therapists assured me that in their professional opinion they feel my husband is committed to treatment and they believe he is being honest. But my gut tells me there has to be more. I just don't see a man with a 10+ year addiction being satisfied with just looking sexual addiction escalates, right? The fact that he created on-line dating profiles tells me that he was seeking out sexual partners. Am I wrong in thinking that he's holding back in hopes of saving our marriage? We have a 3 and a 1 year old and I know he's desperate to return home to his family, but I do not believe hes being truly honest, so I cant even begin to think about giving our marriage another chance. I will not sacrifice my integrity, happiness, well-being for the sake of providing a two parent household for our two little ones.

Are the therapists seeing something I'm not? Am I just so hurt and angry that I'm unwilling to accept this as the whole story? Someone suggested a polygraph but its expensive and why go to that extent when we just spent a large amount of money on this intensive program that should have helped him realize that honesty was the key to healing our marriage.

The children and I are on our own. His family has complete turned their back on the kids and I. I have no family near me, so I'm physicallly and mentally exhausted -- it's so difficult to make sense of all this when I'm struggling to just keep it together for the sake of the kids. Any advise?


Me (33)
Him (48) Recovering SA
Completed Treatment, Sober 15 dys
Married 10 years
Daughter (3 yrs), Son (16 months)
D-day Valentine's Day 2005 and again Mother's Day 2009

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Torrance, CA
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((amy)))

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I don't have much advice, but the one thing I have learned with this is to trust your gut.

Since it seems like your husband is willing to take major steps to save the marriage would he be willing to take a polygraph to put your mind at ease?

Please read Mending A Shattered Heart. That book helped me so much. This forum has been great too. I've also been attending COSA meetings and that has been another good source of support.

Wiser people will come around to give you advice.

**sorry I just saw that you wrote about the polygraph. At this point I think it would be worthwhile. It would give you some peace and you deserve any bit you can get.

[This message edited by broken11 at 3:54 PM, June 28th (Sunday)]


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amy-

My husband had been acting out for close to 20 years-from his early teens to his early 30's.

His addiction never went beyond porn and masturbation. It is possible.

What are your boundaries for relapse? Did you make them the first time you went through recovery?


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
amy2716
♀ New Member
Member # 24606
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you broken11 and IRN2006 for responding. I've felt so isolated that just hearing from others in similar situations is tremendously helpful. I'm so blessed to have found this forum. I've read MaSH, attended two support group meetings and I'm seeing a therapist once a week. I feel overwhelmed and know that I need more support, but attending S-anon is nearly impossible since the kiddos need to be in bed by 8 pm and I have no outside help. Now that the H has completed treatment we'll have to arrange a childcare schedule 'cause I'm going nuts after spending 6 weeks on my own.

The therapist we saw originally wasn't a SA specialist, so hindsight I see we made a mistake by not established concrete boundaries. He agreed to absolutely no viewing of porn, no phone calls to the type of places he was calling, no visits to any adult entertainment facility and that he would contact the therapist or his sponsor if he was ever tempted to act out. However, we failed to establish consequenses.

Back then he also claimed he was never physical with anyone and I took his word for it. It just didn't dawn on me to add a NO SEX with anyone other than your wife boundary. That really should of been number one on my list since that is an absoute deal breaker. I would not be able to forgive that type behavior.

My H seems very remorseful and I believe that he wants to change, but this is now the second time around. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. I just want the truth! A polygraph is sounding better by the minute. Has anyone in this forum asked their addict to undergo a polygraph? If so, what was your experience like?


Me (33)
Him (48) Recovering SA
Completed Treatment, Sober 15 dys
Married 10 years
Daughter (3 yrs), Son (16 months)
D-day Valentine's Day 2005 and again Mother's Day 2009

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Torrance, CA
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amy,

Here is a discussion on polygraphs that might be helpful for you:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=242403&HL=18634

I think there is a part in the MASH book that discusses polygraphs and that it is a reasonable request.

Have you discussed this with your husband. If so, what was his response? If he seems anti it that might give you your answer that he is still hiding it.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,
I've been unbelievably busy with both sides of the family visiting, so I haven't been on in a while. Have to catch up on all the posts.

I'm having a HORRIBLY bad time with SAH. He's spiraling downward and it's becoming VERY difficult for me to live with. I now see how he cannot allow himself to be at fault for anything, or be the bad guy and how he rationalizes, justifies, and blameshifts (in my direction, thank you very much). It's so sad because I see the distorted addict thinking and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just HOPING to hold on and be patient while we continue therapy in the hopes that one of these days he will see the light.

Anyways, my CSAT recommended a book for me to read and it is AWESOME. I had to tell you all about it because it is not one I've seen recommended before.

The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken

It's about addictions in general (since at the root all addictions are the same). It describes what contributes to the addictive personality and the stages it grows into. Absolutely dead-on with SAH!! It's good for me to read because then I can understand WHY he acts like this.

So please read this book! It will truly open your eyes!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
SeekingHealing
♀ New Member
Member # 24617
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this whole SA thing. My WH is seeking counselling for his possible addiction, and I have so many fears and concerns. I just don't even know where to start... My first question would be.... as with all addictions, should I expect relapses or "falling off the wagon" on his road to recovery? Am I crazy for expecting such things, and knowing that I will likely forgive him even then?

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2009
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