I'm very sorry for all that you're dealing with. But giving up your dignity for someone to pay the bills may feel better in the short term, but clearly it's not what you want for your life or you'd still be there. I'm sure that the hell you're going through now will pay off down the road when you've created your own home without the constant stress and indignity of living with an adultering alcoholic who shows no signs of changing.
Hang in there.You will survive this and you're showing your children how to respect themselves...even if they're not being treated with respect. I'm sure you're exhausted and defeated. But the day will come when you will look back and know that you made the right decision.
Hi everyone else,
I'm so far behind. I haven't been on here for a while because I am so depressed with my situation & am not keeping up with life.
I read quite a bit but still have a few pages of this thread to go so more later.
I just wanted to check in so you know I'm OK.
I am going to meetings & calling people from the meetings & a group therapy. I'm just not keeping up with anything else. Not much working, cleaning, socializing eating well, exercising. Lot's of sleeping, laying around, depressed or worried. Starting fights with SO. Questioning him. Trying to figure out my boundaries.
Does anyone know how to put porn filters on the computer? Will that prevent access to non porn sites like CraigsList? He said I could put those on as I mentioned that I wanted to.
Best wishes to all of you & welcome to NeedGod'sHelp.
I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rough time, but happy that you are continuing to go to therapy, group, etc. It's a very difficult process.
One question -- are you asking about porn filters because HE requested it or because YOU want to control what he looks at? I'm sure they've mentioned this a million times in therapy, but you cannot control his addiction or his recovery. That is HIS issue. All you can do is control yourself -- set boundaries, stick to them, and let go of the outcome. I'm new to the recovery process, but the very first thing I've learned is that self-care is the most important. Take care of YOU because you CANNOT take care of him.
If he wants porn filters to keep himself from looking at porn, then that's HIS problem and HE has to find the solution -- not you. If you want the filters for peace of mind and to control his actions, it's just a waste of time. Part of the cycle. You can't control his addiction (or fix it for him).
Are you on ADs? Keep posting, even if it's just to check in. We all love you!
Several people have talked about not managing/controlling SAH recovery, and I had some questions about that. I was the one who "made" my SAH start IC over a year ago (which he now thanks me for) However, he's obviously not in recovery and as much as he seems to enjoy talking through childhood issues, etc., he is still using porn, chatting, webcamming, etc.
We are in the beginning stages of a divorce. I have mentioned to him that I think a CSAT or 12 step program would be better, but he hasn't been interested. I know that if I were to say that I would stay in the marriage if he would do those things, he would likely do them - but is that just setting him up for failure, since he's not independently choosing??
Because of the complications his acting out has had on my family/friends, I'm not especially interested in staying in the marriage, but would still like for him to get better because he is still my friend and we have a son together.
What is the difference between controlling and encouragement??
Instead of viewing it as controlling maybe you should look at it like as a boundary that you need to feel safe to stay in the relationship.
Of course you want him to take the steps for recovery on his own, but I think it's ok to talk to him about your needs.
It's not working out with my WH right now, so you'll probably get better advice from others. Those are just my 2 cents. Goodluck!
Maybe think about a real issue that you DO believe would/should be tied to recovery. IMO, if we D and H isn't in FIRM recovery, I will petition for supervised visitation only. I DO NOT want this addiction to be a genrational thing. He needs to be healthy to b a healthy parent.
That could be a boundary, not a threat or maniplation or a control tactic.
Do you see the difference?
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I have a keylogger on our home computer. I notice he goes to a website where you can buy porn DVD's on-line. He spent about 20 mintues on that site yesterday looking at new releases. I can also see that he hasn't purchased anything in a long time.
I don't know what to make of this. Would this be considered "acting out"?
I will not bring this up with him since I don't want him to know about the key logger.
I have asked him about this particular website and he said he just browses. I'm wondering what could he get out of browsing.
We have our second appointment with the CSAT on the 27th. Is this something I should bring up?
I started reading MASH last night and got through the first 50 pages. If I go by WH's actions, he fits the SA bill well. If I go by what he says, then SA is not the issue at hand. Personally, I think he is scared and afraid of the SA label. I brought up Love Addiction and told him what I learned about that and he feels that seems more appropriate for him, based on his feelings and what I told him of my research. I think he feels Love Addiction is "better" than SA. The fact is, its all addiction and needs to be treated similarly.
I need to find an IC that specializes in co-dependancy. What a trip this is.
He has been being very honest. Yesterday he just told me he has masturbated about 3 times a day and watched porn frequently.. this is on-going in all of his relationships.
He also says he gets bored. I witnessed this with the introduction of "toys".
What kills me is he says he's not bored of her and although I know he has maturbated in that relationship (if that's what you call it), because he called me from her house, he says he has not watched porn....he said when I asked, two weeks ago that that was something he had given up.
He did it yesterday (found on Laptop) but maintains that it's because he can't sleep with me or her anymore, so it's an outlet.
Anyway. he didn't get bored of her yet...I'm sure he is thinking she has cured him, but I suggested it was because he's had two women all along (I know this, she doesn't) and that's why he's not bored.
Anyway although we are S-ing and now I, with this news, think it's best. I could use some condolences.
It could be that your husband's "browsing" could be middle circle behavior. I'm sure I'm not getting this exactly, but I think middle circle behavior could eventually lead to acting out.
I don't know what your husband's boundaries are. Once your husband has established boundaries with his therapist, the answer to the "browsing" behavior will become more apparent.
Do you have a joint session with the therapist, or do you each see the therapist individually? If you see your therapist together, and you bring it up, your husband will still know you have a key logger.
It is truly terrible the situation you have found yourself in. I am doubly sorrowful that you were a victim of child molestation yourself. You must be suffering so much pain and doubt. I am truly sorry.
Is your husband a SA? Do you have your own children with whom you need to be concered?
Your husband's behaviour is inappropriate. Any escalation may result in criminal behaviour. This is a serious matter.
While we do not wish to condemn someone before they have a fair chance to respond, it is also true that child molestation and sexual acting out with children should be prevented and stopped at all costs. The best interest of children should always be the paramount consideration.
You may talk to your husband, in front of a MC if possible, to raise your concerns. Unless he gives you convincing evidence that everyone else is telling a lie about him, you can ask him to resign himself immediately. If he refuses, let him know you will contact the co-coach directly to disclose his behaviour.
If your husband is a SA and/or child molester, removing him from this particular team is only a temporary solution. If he is not treated, it is just as easy for him to prey on other children (e.g. in a park). It is critical that he seeks help immediately, for his own sake. It is a matter of his entire future.
I am not condemning him - may be it is true that he has done nothing wrong. That's why it may be necessary to speak in front of a trained professional so that fairness and justice is served, while at the same time, children's lives are protected.
The last, but perhaps the most important suggestion, is that you take care of yourself. You need to receive counselling and help to deal with your childhood trauma and the current situation. Please please please talk to a professional. Your life is valuable and important. You deserve to be listened to. And you are not alone - you have all of us here.
[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:52 AM, May 21st (Thursday)]
what is a SAB?
You have the whole weight of the world on your shoulders. You did nothing wrong. Yet, you are the one who has to suffer the consequnces of your husband's bad choices. You feel alienated and unloved by all. You cannot even confide in your family. You feel trapped in a life and you do not know how to get free. You also have children to look after, who have basic physical and emotional needs. Your husband, in the meantime, continues to neglect his responsibilities. He is blind to the suffering he has put you and the children through. You feel there is no justice in this world. You are struggling so hard to keep your head above water that you neither have the money nor time to take care of yourself.
I am hearing your pain, helplessness, loneliness and desparation. I am heart broken that you have to go through this.
You are a very strong woman. You have made a courageous decision to leave your husband who does not acknowledge he has a problem and is not remorseful. You may not have much now, other than literally a roof above your head, but you stand up for your self-respect and dignity. No longer should you subject yourself and your children to lies, secrecy, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, drunkenness and addiction.
Is there any chariable or not-for-profit organization where you can seek help? Do you belong to a relgious group where you can speak with a pastor/priest/monk and where you can find emotional and practical support from the congregation (e.g. babysitting your children even for a few hours)?
Please post often. Do not give up. You are a special person. You are not alone and loved here.
[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:08 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]
I went to the 1st CSAT appointment and will be going to the 2nd on the 27th. I'm not sure how this will play out between the CSAT and our appointments - whether he will want to see WH alone or with me.
I would love to do individual sessions as well as joint sessions with this CSAT but unfortunately can't afford that at $195 per hour.
I know I need to find my own IC to deal with this. I made a few calls today.
I will do some research on "middle circle behavior". Thank you for the tip.
I had two joint sessions with my husband's CSAT. One was a meet and greet, and the other one was essentially a 2x4 hitting me on the head to get my butt in recovery. (I'm a raging codependent..was that way thanks to my parents.)
For us, fixing ourselves, really has taken care of most of our maritial issues.
Have you started reading any books by Pia Mellody or Melody Beattie?
ETA: Please be sure you screen IC's carfully. I had one tell me that my recovering sex addict husband could still watch porn from time to time. I've heard where the SO of an SA is told she's a prude or not putting out enough, and that's why the sa is acting out.
[This message edited by IRN2006 at 1:43 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]
I can understand your frustration and dismay at the fact that it's been over a year and he still "doesn't get it". Truth is, he may never get it. SA is a VERY difficult thing to admit to mainly because of the stigma involved.
Would you stay in the M if he WERE sober? If there's a chance switching to a CSAT may lead to his sobriety (whether he initially choses it or you do), is it worth taking the chance and seeing if it helps? If you are ready to leave the M whether or not he is sober, then I don't see any point into pushing the issue. But there have been MANY stories I've heard where the SA was "dragged" to a CSAT and after several months they were able to FINALLY admit to themselves that they do in fact have a problem and recovery begins from there.
I'm in that situation. SAH does not think he has a problem with porn except to say it's inappropriate. He turns it into a "selfish" thing -- just doing what he feels like without regard to what I think. But I can see now that we are both seeing a CSAT that yes, he DOES apparently have a problem. I know it now for sure. No question in my mind. And I'm not sure he will ever be able to admit he has a problem and get sober, but I'm willing to stay married and both go through the recovery process because in my situation it is worth it to wait and see what happens. My limit is a year though. If after a year he's still not even attempting sobriety, I'm gone. In the meantime I get MYSELF healthy so that I CAN be in a position to make a healthy decision for myself and the kids.
I agree that it isn't easy to find an IC who is schooled in SA. I've called several already and ruled them out over the phone.
I'm hoping the CSAT can recommend someone who does take my insurance so I don't have to pay out-of-pocket for my IC.
After beginning to read, "Mending a Shattered Heart" I too believe I am a raging co-dependant .
I will put the Pia Mellody and Melody Beattie books on my "to read" list. There are so many. I guess I'm fortunate to have lots of train time to read these books.