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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

too trusting -- yeah, I get what you are saying, overprotective, but also, it makes HIM uncomfortable, to see a young girl (or actually any woman) bend over in a low-cut shirt. He has to avert his eyes, and gets funny about it, and if she is young, he will have a fit, like, don't their parents get how guys think about girls like that?

And I think honestly, it is because "HE" has sexual thoughts about 14 year olds when he sees their boobs hanging out a bit, and he knows it is wrong, and he doesn't like feeling that way.

Because none of the other men I was ever with made a big deal out of that stuff.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. He is saving up his money to file an annulment. We had I guess one LAST talk, and he asked if I am going to get over this, or if I still feel he needs counseling, because he has made it clear he will not EVER go.

And I told him that I truly feel he has a problem, and an addiction, and I need him to go and just find out.

He said if I could just move down there and let it go and see how things go. I really don't know how to explain it in terms he understands. I think he just doesn't want to understand, because I have tried the best I know how. Anyway, he doesn't even want to hear my reasons "again" on why I feel he needs help. He was getting angry again, and told me he will be fine if we divorce, because now he has a 6 figure job and a condo on the beach.

Thanks a lot. Loser. For leaving me and the kids in poverty and a teeny tiny home that is falling apart, and cutting us off financially. I don't need a man that can make that okay in their sick head.

At least I won't have to deal with his mind games anymore. I have enough mind games going on with the other loser.

Ugh! Too Trusting - You aren't the only one that picked a few bad apples in a row! It is exhausting dealing with two of these at a time! And my XH is also the one giving me all kinds of problems about my dd--because he wants to take her away from me, and we go to court because he has cited me on "contempt" for "mental manipulation of dd" in a few weeks. He is mentally ill also, was diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies with another underlying mental illness.

I did tell SA STBXH I just can't understand that he would throw a whole family away just because I asked him to get counseling. And he said it is my fault, because I am so bull-headed, and obsessive, and just can't let it go, because I am wrong, and he isn't that bad.

I hate him.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:19 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,
Wow -- your crazy plate is full to overflowing!!
These guys are masters at trying to make you think YOU have the problem. Like asking someone to go for counselling is soooooo "obsessive". I'm glad you seem able to keep your own head clear.
Hang in there. You might not have a six-figure salary or a condo on the beach...but you've got dignity and self-respect. Can't put a price tag on that. (And as, my mother used to say: Those who marry for money will end up earning it!!)


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support, Eternaloptimist, it is very much needed right now, yeah, I am fighting two mentally ill people at one time. How the hell did that happen?

Funny thing, I feel stronger than I have in a long time, except for a few little breakdowns here or there.

I know I am doing the right thing, with sticking to the counseling for STBXH, but he does make me wonder sometimes, if I overexaggerated a bit, and if I am making too much out of this, because that is his total story, and I haven't caught him at anything in a while, and his mom wants me to move down first and see what happens, because she said I will have more pull with him when we are together.

However, he put his ACTUAL NAME on the internet in a few places, and also when he was IM'ing someone in a sex chatsite; and his phone number is out there too, and I was told once it is on the internet, if someone really wants to find it, they can.

He is telling me no way can he ever be connected with anything, but I think that is him living in his fantasy world again, and not wanting to deal with reality.

So unless he gets treatment and a professional says he is in recovery, no way am I moving; I can't expose my dd, and plus, her dad would use that to try to take her away from me.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NA))))

Wow you have a lot to deal with. I'm so proud of you for sticking to your boundaries. I'm just sorry that he is leaving you and your children high and dry. Guess that speaks volumes about his character, huh?

I don't remember everything I've read. My head is in a fog.

I have a lot of decisions to make here. Our lease is up in Aug and I'm not sure that I want to renew it with him. I have no idea what I'll do for $ or anything. I have no ideas but I just can't pretend that everything is going to be fine.

I have a small sliver of hope that he has gotten a huge wake up call that I won't be here come Aug if he doesn't get help. He says that he doesn't want that to happen and seems to be doing what he needs to but so far it's still not enough.

But I just have to try to do what is best for me. I hope I make the right decision. I'm just so scared and worried but trying to just take one day at a time.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's very telling that some of these guys would rather lose their relationships than seek counselling. There is clearly some fear that once the mask is pulled off, they just might have to truly face themselves. Honestly, how many "normal" (and I use that word loosely -- I don't intend to demean anyone) people would rather lose their relationship than seek counseling about behavior that's hurting the person we claim to love? I suspect the answer is no-one...unless you're protecting yourself.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA-
I'm sorry you're being served a buffet of poop right now. I have no advice, but I do have support and some admiration for you. I think you're managing to take care of yourself and deal with the shitstorm with a lot of strength.

(((((NA)))))


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA)))-
Good for you for sticking to your guns. You are not being unreasonable for asking him to try counselling. I agree with everyone else- Master manipulators!! I swear sometimes you can second-guess that the sky is blue because they are sooooo convincing and persistent!

I am sorry that you are dealing with XH about custody... I thought it was your STBXH also... Too many crazies for your life! Stay strong honey- You are doing so good.

EO- I love that quote from your mom! I am definitely going to use that one again!

hope4tomorrow-
Any luck on finding an IC for yourself? How about your H? I remember you were concerned b/c money was tight... Have you discussed any new boundaries about his sobriety? (porn and MB at work.. etc) Keep looking inside at what you want- and do what's best for your well being. If it means moving out because he's not sober- then make sure he realizes that it's his choice to continue to act out and you are just taking the necessary steps to take care of yourself.


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NA)) It is hard, but it will be the better way. My XH is still in denial to this day. It is so sad, but there is nothing you or I can do if they will not face their demons.

I would rather be alone with my kids than waste any more time with someone who refused to see how big a problem it is.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naiveagain,

I think to a lot of outsiders sitting in arm chairs pontificating about other people, they assume leaving a husband who has been unfaithful or who is a SA, is a no-brainer. In fact, deciding to leave any relationship is gut wrenching and devastating. You have been very strong to heal yourself, to decide what is best for you and your family, to recognize that a SA who refuses to take steps to recover is a walking time bomb waiting for a relapse, and to assert yourself when you have been belittled and disrespected.

You have been very strong for yourself and your family. You are an incredible individual.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you really have a problem with minimizing, don't you.

This was what my H's CSAT told H half way through their first session.

This guy is going to be so worth every penny.

H is actually very impressed with the new guy. His old IC was a joke. Old IC claimed to be experienced with SA, he just didn't know how to do anything effective to help them, apparently. H is excited and focused and optimistic. The plus side of having to pay all this money for a CSAT is that H really wants to make sure he gets his money's worth. H says "the more work I can do on my own between sessions and with the group, the less this is going to cost me".

He is willing to pay, but actually forking over those bucks is yet another strong motivator to work the program hard.

I'm hopeful for the first time in months, and months, and months!


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear birdwatch.
Thanks for your encouragement, I really need it. Today was very depressing day for me. Nothing new happened, just the memory of what I believed my past was. Then I read your reply to my post and your writing is so realistic and comforting and I thank you very much. It reminded me that I am not going to be alone in this dark place.

I will see a therapist next week although I thought money was a concern, I think the problem is that I didnít make it my priority as usual when it comes to take care of myself, I always think of myself last. My husband has been begging me to get the help that I need and he doesnít mind what it costs. Now thanks to all of you , I am convinced I need it to save my life.
Silla


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Silla,

You are on the right track. You recognize the need to take care of yourself and you are doing something about it within your budget. Many things have been shattered and taken away from you - don't let self-care be one of them. Keep us posted.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may laugh at my story, because, well, I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

My husband's co-worker and friend on Facebook has put up a Profile Picture which is sexy picture of herself on a beach wearing a thong bikini. My husband commented on it more than a year ago (before D Day), "did you cut that picture out of the cosmo (magazine)?".

My husband was showing me something else on his Facebook and he accidentally clicked on the friend's page, revealing her picture with his comment.

I try to be rational. This is from a year ago. My husband, as far as I know, has not made any flirtatious comments to any woman since D Day. His comment was complimentary, but was not sexual or explicit. And as for the woman, she is single, has a goregeous body and long black hair falling to her waist. Though it's not my cup of tea, she has every right to put up a bikini-clad picture on Facebook. And she is not soliciting the affection of any one person.

But...I am suffering from unconsolable jealousy and poor self-esteem. I understand men do notice beautiful women; hey, I notice sexy men myself if I walk pass them. However, it makes me feel like chopped liver when my husband, instead of noticing her and moving on, commented on it.

I understand I cannot control other people in this world (like this woman) from flirting and from dressing provocatively. I also realize self-esteem comes from oneself and we cannot rely on validation from others.

However, I feel simply heart broken, sad, humiliated, miserable, alone and isolated, no matter how many prep talks and how many "rational self-talk" I engage in. The worse thing is, I want to be alone, away from my husband. I don't feel like his comfort, because I feel like he is the one who has caused this hurt and humiliation, and who has the "wandering eyes".

Does anyone feel this sometimes, that you know how you should feel (e.g. should feel good about oneself, cannot control other home-wreckers from wearing next to nothing, etc.), but you simply cannot "force" yourself to feel positively? What do you do?

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:10 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

innerstrength - No, I have not looked into IC lately for me. I should but it's really hard to right now even find time for doing what little I can for me around the house. I definitely need to make that a priority.

As far as my SAH, we talked last night and he said that he's scared. His addiction is all that he's known. It's like he wants it but doesn't want to do the work necessary. He said it was like a prisoner who has been set free from prison but the bars are familiar and freedom is scary. I guess that does make sense. Doesn't mean that I can live with this always hanging over our heads, though.

So he said that he would look into counseling. shrug. I know it's really hard to start all over. His IC has known him for almost 3 years. He just needs someone to help him break his cycle of bad thinking.

I am working on my boundaries for his acting out. I think that I'm ready to tell him what I need from him and the consequences.

He can't give me the one thing that I really need right now. Reassurance that things will be ok.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
RedHeadWitchy
♀ Member
Member # 19206
Cool  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Originally posted this in General...

Can anyone give me some advice???
I have not been on line in a while- very long story- thanks to FWH.
We've been having a difficult time as of late. He sees a CSAT and the guy is absolutely great- on top of things, ya know???
BUT...and this is a big but, FWH has not been giving %100 working the program. He shows up for group, individual, etc...but outside of that he's got so much going on- primarily work- that he's stretched himself thin. I actually called and spoke with his CSAT a couple of weeks ago (because I was at the end of my rope and considering seperation) to ask exactly how FWH is doing. I was surprised to find out that there were a few items of 'interest' that FWH has not brought up in group that he should have. That phone call confirmed what I was feeling- FWH is out of touch with things. His CSAT assured me that he would bring the items up in group/IC and he did- last night. FWH and I are going to sit down tonight to discuss it.
I guess what I am worried about is- do addicts truly recover??? and if so, how long does it take for the eyes to open??? My patience are just worn so thin...
any advice is appreciated...


Me 35(BW) Him 37(FWH)
WhorMonica 45 (FOW QVC reject)
M 9ys,
D: 7, S: 3
In R/MC/IC

I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
~Muse


Posts: 838 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Beautiful Southeastern, PA
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone - I've been reading all the posts and thinking of everyone as we all get through this horrible stuff!

My SAH and I chose a divorce mediator and are now clearly headed down that path. He doesn't want the divorce, so I'm definitely cast as the "bad guy" in this. I do feel bad - but the damage done to my family is so severe I just can't even conceive of reconciling. And I find myself unwilling to be a partner to him, even if he does want recovery. Every once in awhile, he will say things about how he's not sure he really wants to change and he sees the divorce with a bit of relief. Other times, it's alot about how heartbroken he is, how much he wants to make the marriage work and how sorry he is. What a roller-coaster.

Since finally starting the process, I'm suddenly feeling so much better. My panic attacks have stopped and I'm even starting to feel more like myself again, after months stuck in a horrible depressive state, crushed under a mountain of guilt. I feel like there is hope for me.

I read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and realize that there is much self-work to be done. I am so freakin codependent and can't believe it has taken me until now to realize.

Onward....


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on here in quite a while it seems & just took forever to read everything & catch up. I can't remember exactly who is dealing with what so I'm just gonna send a big hug to all of you.

I've not been well physically & busy too with other problems as well so that's why I've been absent.

I have been going to S Anon & my So has been going to SA. He has 11 or 12 days I think but now we're not sure because we are not married & we have been sexual with each other. He is not masturbating or anything else.

SA says that sex is only ok if you are married. I don't want to recommend a different program, such as SAA or SLAA, though as they can be too lenient, that is you get to decide if it's ok to masturbate. To me that's like an alcoholic saying that they will only drink beer but not wine or liquor...it will trigger other behavior.

We are not in IC or MC as we are beyond broke. We are suffering a lot financially & that is placing huge stress on him which can make relapse very possible. His finances & mine are separate & his are worse than mine. He has an XW & children to support & he & XW are very unmanageable financially. Any normal person would wonder what I am doing with him & I am wondering the same but my group says don't leave him yet. At least he is in recovery.

He seems to have done a complete turn around. He is so worried about the fact that we had sex & that that is not OK in SA & that he doesn't want to lie to them. I am not suggesting he lie to them but I am amazed after all the lying he did to me.

On another note I had several dreams last night about him cheating. I have had prophetic dreams about his cheating before & vowed never to believe his denial when I told him of them. He denied anything happened & I can't see how anything did but it was the same last time. I guess if anything happened or is about to happen I will find out...or not. I'm not supposed to check up on him according to my S Anon group.

We're awaiting results for STD tests.

The reason I've been ill this past week is because I'm reacting to the Flagyl for bacterial vaginosis. They say it isn't an STD but the other time I had this in my life was after a condom slipped off with a guy I was dating who turned out to be dating someone else. They also say it's common with new or multiple partners. If it's not an STD then why would partners be an issue?

Anyway,

welcome to the newbies I'm sorry for your pain but this forum will help you.

Good luck with all the legal & health issues everyone is going through & the general SA stuff too.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess that speaks volumes about his character, huh?
Yeah, not quite the man he portrayed himself to be.

hope -

I'm just so scared and worried but trying to just take one day at a time.
That is all any of us can do, just make sure you are taking care of yourself, and do a little something for yourself every day, to assert your independence and detach, that way, if he doesn't come thru for you, you will have the security to know you will be okay.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:24 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eternaloptimist
-Honestly, how many "normal" (and I use that word loosely -- I don't intend to demean anyone) people would rather lose their relationship than seek counseling about behavior that's hurting the person we claim to love

That is the hard part to get over--he isn't normal. Because normal people would do whatever it takes to avoid hurting their loved ones.

JustWow & innerstrength & Birdwatch & SorrowHeart- thanks for the support and encouragement!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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