I sent a post a few weeks ago that disappeared, when you had mentioned the porn was only occasionally, to not be surprised if it was more often.
My SAH is 6 months into recovery and we just yesterday, had something new to deal with.
The good thing I see here is that he isn't hiding that.
So he is telling the court that I am turning her against him, and I know the court takes that seriously, and this magistrate hates me and has never found in my favor.
My sister told me not to worry, because I have a PO, and no judge in their right mind would give custody to a man with a PO against him, but you don't understand this county. They aren't in their right minds, and have a lot of problems.
I'm a total basket case. She trust me to protect her, and she doesn't want to see him anyway, because of his temper and anger issues.
But I know how this stuff goes, and it isn't always right or fair.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how terrifying that feeling is -- to feel like you can't protect your daughter. I hope and pray that some sanity prevails in your case and that it works out for you. Try to stay strong and clear-headed.
I understand the judge situation, too.
My XH's father was a lawyer and former judge. Nothing like the judge shaking hands with your X and saying Hi to his dad!
Take a deep breath... Know that you are not wrong for anything, and keep detaching- even from this, if you can- If you stay peaceful inside, it will convey peaceful outside. Try as hard as you can to not get defensive, even if you are... You know you haven't done anything except be a great mother to your daughter... I understand your fear, though.
He is just trying to get back at you, for deciding not to move and proceed with the D.
I hope this goes quickly for you and you can move forward soon. (By the way, what's a PO? I'm not sure what that is... )
(Tootrusting- Are you kidding me? That seems like a bit of a conflict of interest and inability to deliver "blind justice", if you ask me... That's terrible!)
[This message edited by innerstrength at 7:06 AM, April 25th (Saturday)]
The one that I am leaning towards is "Safe Eyes". Anyone have other suggestions? Also, I'm a mac user - so not all filters will work on the Mac.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
As anyone had experience going to someone with this amount of certification? Can they diagnose SA?
Thanks everyone, I did talk to my lawyer, and she said the motions are crap, and he is harassing me. (duh.) She told me not to worry about them, and I have realized that he filed these motions within a week of finding out about me getting a reissue of another 2 years for my PO, so I can show that this is retaliation.
I will still have to prove I am not manipulating (alienating) my dd against her psychodad (which I really don't--I don't use that term to her obviously).
But I am feeling okay, and detaching (yes, that is important), and I went out today, and I found a drum set, and I am going to learn to play the drums!
On with my life, and I just need to trust my lawyer, and get her whatever paperwork she needs
Too Trusting -- you must have been a basket case when that was going on, with him having "connections!"
I will look into an advocacy group and talk about it with my lawyer if we have to do anything at all with CPS, because they are totally worthless around here.
Sorry -- I'm on a mac too but haven't installed filters. I can ask my husband -- he's the techie in the family if you're still wondering.
Glad your lawyer helped. And good luck with the drums. Sounds like fun.
All is fine here. A glorious weekend spent planting in the garden. Amazing how good that makes me feel.
Not about my children. Not about doing the right thing. Appearances.
It is this children/X/Custody subject that I have a hard time getting past with my SAH.
He was not only NOT there for me during this time, but made me out to be a nutcase, and used the whole thing for sympathy for himself.
Just a little bitter resentment still festering!
Your story is heart-wrenching and I am very sad for all that you are going through.
I hope this Forum offers you comfort, solidarity and friendship.
In your situation, TWO bombs have just dropped in your backyard: one is multiple, decade-long infidelities and acting out, and another is the SA part of the equation. Most people would be gravely traumatized with just the first bomb, let alone two.
You are correct that you require healing, whether or not you decide to stay or leave your husband. Part of the healing is education, and it seems like you are doing that by reading Dr. Carnes' books. Another part of the healing is exploring your feelings, understanding how you might have been co-dependent in your marriage and investigating your past (including your childhood) to resolve unresolved issues. This second part usually requires protracted self-reflection with the help of a professional. Although you don't have an IC, you are involved in group therapy, so do give yourself some credit for seeking the help you need.
Your feeling of self-blame and foolishness (How can I possibly not know about this for decades), your feeling of anger and injustice (How can you do this to me? How can the OWs do this to me? What am I suffering the consequences of other people's wrongdoing?), your feeling of numbness and confusion (What should I do now?), your feeling of guilt for staying (What would other people say? Am I weak and pathetic in deciding to stay?), and your feeling of lack of control (What does it matter what I do - I have no control over anything!), all have to be dissected, explored and resolved. Believe me, all of us here have felt all those emotions, and more, and all of us are still struggling on a frequent basis. And many of us have lived in ignorance for a long time. For me, I have known my husband for 7 years and had lived together for 2 years before I found out. I know it's not decades, but 7 years is still not 7 weeks. And unlike others who had hunches but had ignore them, I had no clue, zippo, nada. So, do know you are not alone.
Feelings do not disappear just because you bury or avoid them. Better to face them head-on now. You are doing this not even necessarily for your marriage or your husband. You need to do this for you. Whether you stay or leave, you need to regain emotional stability and well-being for your life.
As to the cost of seeing a CSAT, can you find a therapist who is not necessarily a CSAT but has experience with addiction? Do you qualify for any employee assistance program under your work or your husband's work? Seeing an IC even once a month is better than none at all. Finally, beware of the conflict of interest involved with seeing the same person for MC and your own IC. In your IC, you are the client, and your therapist's duty is towards you and you alone. In MC, the "relationship" is the client, and your therapist's duty is towards the relationship, i.e. what is best to improve the relationship.
Words cannot describe the sadness of the situation. I only hope you will continue to count us as confidants and friends and post as often as you wish.
My SAH did a search for pics. He used my daughter's computer as he thinks it is the only one I don't have a keylogger or check regularly. (I don't check unless I know I need to nor do I have a keylogger on his either.) After admitting this to me, I figured I better check that history was cleared so my daughter would not see.
He didn't clear it. That upsets me enough. The man was in IT, you would think he knew better, addict or not.
My real problem came when I saw that one search was for "stepdaughter" pics.
I have asked throughout this ordeal if anything connected with the kids. It sounds so awful when I see it in type, but I have asked how he deals with my daughter, as she tends to wear tops that enhance the cleavage. (She is doing nothing wrong, her clothes are not too revealing at all.)
He did admit to noticing. He did admit to looking at those type of pics before. In his favor, his time spent was less than two minutes. I could see by checking the cookies and temp files.
Do I look at this as addict behavior not much different than some SAs experiencing other men or out of character choices for the high it provides?
He claims he has done nothing, I never see any discomfort between he and my daughter. I do know that in general for him, his triggers, or prep (whatever their term is) are pretty much NOT anywhere close to this issue. His "fantasies" or preferences are older. Always have been.
I do know that I will no longer put off disclosing to my daughter and her therapist, but not necessarily this aspect. She needs to know our family dynamics as I see her choices in men being similar to mine. She is 20.
Please tell me someone else has experienced something similar.
As a mom I want to throw him out and put up locks and brick walls to keep him from my daughter.
The other part knows that bizarre things are going to come out, and just as the years of addict behavior had nothing to do with me, or the OWomen, that this has nothing to do with my daughter either.
Just to make it clear; SAH is in IC, and Group and goes to his 12-step meetings regularly. His episode last week was cut short by him, and admitted to instantly, just not the details.
I don't know about my SAh personally, I haven't found anything along those lines, but I know I didn't find everything, and he certainly didn't volunteer anything.
He did get a little weird though with one friend's 14 yr old dd--she was wearing some low-cut cleavage showing shirts, and he felt it was his responsibility to say something to her dad and mom about their dd leaning over too much and stuff hanging out.
Just seemed a little strange to me at the time (I didn't know about his SA then), and I just don't pay attention to most of that stuff, but he said he was worried about how other men would see her.
Other than that, I do remember someone on here I think under thread 2 talking about their H having an issue with young girls. I just can't remember who it was right now.
I think an ASAT is someone who is on track to become a CSAT, but maybe they haven't yet finished the program. I think they would be perfect. They are knowledgeable about SA and are progressing towards becoming certified, I think... Either way- They are aware of SA and how to treat it and that makes them much better than someone who is not in that field. Good luck.
I am so sorry- That is hearbreaking. NA is right, there was someone on here whose H had some run-ins with under 18 porn pictures... If she reads this, maybe she'll PM you? Kudos to him for re-gaining control... Kudos to you for not killing him!
Seriously, though- It needs to be brought to the attention of the counsellor (if it's not already) I wish I could be of more help to you... (HUGS).... Just a quick question, too- Is this the same H who you went to a custody battle with in court? Did you guys not get divorced? I was a little confused trying to follow...
I am a moron when it comes to computers. You may wish to post your question in the Investigative Tips Forum.
Don't forget that while it is probably smart for you to check up on your husband periodically, you cannot control his SA or his recovery. Set boundaries and consequences, and check up once in a while, but then let go. Expand the same amount, if not more, energy and time on your own recovery.
The problem with obsessively monitoring and controlling our husbands' behaviours is that first, it simply doesn't work (if your husband wants to act out, he will, no matter how much controls you impose), and second, it deprives ourselves of the necessary healing that we deserve.
Sorry, I cannot be more help but post often and let us know your progress.
It is an awful situation and I am sorry you found yourself in it.
If I understand you correctly, your daughter is an adult with her own IC. Can you discuss with your IC first as to what you wish to do, and ask your IC if it is apppropriate for him or her to speak with your daughter's IC in confidence as to the best course of action?
I have two contrary comments to make, please bear with me.
First, SAs are not by definition child molesters, just like not all alcoholics are violent and assult their spouse and children. This stigma of an SA being predatory and perverted is what hinders the recovery of an SA and perpetuates inaccurate myths. Many times, these misconceptions are often aimed at shaming the SAs, with the result of driving the SAs further into secrecy.
Second (on the other hand), I draw the line on child pornography, child molestation or any sexual overtures to or interference with children, whether the wrongdoer is an SA or not. There has to be a clear boundary and severe consequences relating to same. While each of us has the right to set our boundadries and consequences, suitable to our individual circumstances, I can tell you if my husband engages in any such activity involving children I will not only divorce him, no second chances, I will likely notify his employer and the police if the circumstance warrants it.
Please do not misunderstand me - I am not implying at all that your husband has engaged in any such inappropriate behaviours. In fact, it appears your husband is committed to recovery by participating in numerous groups, and more importantly, by disclosing relapses to you voluntarily. However, the issue obviously concerns you. My suggestion is to sit down with him, preferrably in front of the MC, share with him your concerns and communicate very clear boundaries and consequences.
I am thinking of you.
A porn filter is not a monitoring system. It simply prevents the computer viewer from accessing adult content either intentionally or inadvertently. He asked me to put it on because I know far more about computers and because it does have a password protection on it (install/uninstall or to access those websites - i.e. if you're using it to prevent your kids from accessing porn) and he doesn't want to know what it is (the password). His SA group suggested that he do that and not simply 'exercise self control.'
[This message edited by hurtbs at 10:58 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]
Innerstrength, The custody nightmare was my XH, not my current SAH. I sure can pick 'em.
The XH is diagnosed mentally ill. While I don't know that he was SA, he certainly self-medicated sexually, and has horrible boundaries with other people. My daughter was abused by him once. This adds to the concern and the protective mom feeling. Its a long story, but due to his mental illness, he most likely is truthful about his lack of memory of touching her, and did in fact pass a polygraph.
I thought my current SAH was so different; Current H lost interest in sex right from beginning, the XH was unbearable to live with, constant "need" for sex.
Birdwatch, thanks for your answer, and I feel exactly the way you do. I am fairly sure that he doesn't look at pics really of young girls. The searches tend to be more "soccer mom," "older woman" etc.
The fact that it even happened, makes me wonder if he needed to tell. He knows I have wondered, and have little patience anymore with revelations of any kind.
SAH did talk with his counselor and group about this last night. He has stopped lying to himself (as I knew he was) about his viewing of "pics" only. SAH came to the conclusion, himself, that he broke his inner circle and needs to reset his sobriety. He has been in so much denial and rationalizing so much lately. I have been proud of myself for not letting it change my course for myself. He has asked my opinion a couple of times when he was struggling. I answered as best I could, without much emotion and let him know that I don't think an alcoholic would say its ok to have a gulp of beer, swish it around, then spit it out and call it sober.
He has felt that as long as he wasn't "acting out" all was ok.
It can be so hard to change the pattern of trying to help!
Not my job, and I remembered it!
SAH seems to be on the verge of that emotional raw phase I have read about, in Don't Call it Love.
I am supposed to go with SAH to see his IC tomorrow night. This is the second time I have gone. I see my own IC tomorrow afternoon. My plan is to discuss with both the best way to proceed with my daughter's IC.
This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, because I see my daughter making so many of the harmful choices. At the same time, she is not a promiscuous girl, doesn't drink much is very tame. She just picks horrible guys and isn't able to let go.
I had wanted to wait until SAH was ready to disclose to those he feels he should.
Has anyone here disclosed to children/grown children or other close family members, and how did you go about it?
He told him that he was going to tell him something very private and personal, but that he was telling him because he loved him and wanted to help him realize how much addiction can ruin your life. (And hopefully help him to avoid getting into that cycle.) His brother seemed to take it very well and they talked about it for a long time...(His brother is still in college, and although my H is older, they have always had an extremely close relationship- He's been more like a father to my BIL in some ways)
I think if your daughter is presented with the info in a trusting and informative way, she can handle it... Also if you explain that you see her falling in to patterns that you have demonstrated, and you want her to be aware of how hard that path can be. (It's so good that you are doing this, b/c these patterns do continue to repeat until someone finally gets this courage you are showing to help stop the cycle.)
Good luck with it- I hope it goes well for you and she is able to discuss it- and hopefully avoid some of the heartache we all have gone through...
[This message edited by innerstrength at 5:30 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]