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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, (((7yrs))), I'm so sorry!

Sharing hugs and tears with you

spring --everyone knows. This was way too big a load for me to carry on my own, and I didn't find out about this site until a month after d-day, so the first thing I did was call his sister. I had some type of idea she might have a clue about all this, and I was pleasantly surprised, when she told me she had suspected her brother had a porn addiction.

Well, after a little research, it became a sex addiction, and I clued her in on the more specific stuff. But her and her H counsel people at their church with this same problem! So I got some helpful information and support from her. MIL knows also. They all grew up in the same dysfunctional family, and funny, they all swept these problems under the rug, until I at least got MIL and SIL talking about it. WS still won't join in though, he is too "private" a person to discuss this stuff with anyone.

I didn't want to burden my mom , but she is my best friend, and I broke down after another month and told her the whole story. I'm glad. Because she was the one I called when I needed to vent 5 to 10 times a day. She is planning on sending WS a birthday card with some heartfelt sentiment about how she expected him to take care of my feelings a bit better, and she is disappointed in him, and wishes things had turned out differently, and that he would have had the courage to get the help he needed.

Fine with me, she needs to do what she feels she needs also, since she is affected too, and she trusted him, and loved him also, and he told her he loved her.

Newtwood!!! Hi!!! Glad to hear from you again, and glad things are going (okay)?

Sorry you are feeling ill, and I hope that gets thru you quick so you can start feeling a bit better!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He came home from his SA meeting tonight (he's gone to three in the last week and a half or so) and told me that he wanted to put a porn filter on the computer. I had asked him this in the past and he said that he wanted to 'exercise self control.' I left it at that as I felt that ultimately, he had to decide to do it - I couldn't force it on him. His healing, I can support, but I'm not responsible for it.

Tonight, he said that he absolutely wanted to put it on there. That he talked about it in his group and felt that it was important that *he* make the decision to do that.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow- This thread got busy in the last day!

(((7yrs)))- You are in my thoughts...

completeshock- I have not done an intervention for my H, and I'm not sure if anyone else on here has done one- I figured I'd mention it again, sice the thread got so busy in the past day... Anyone?

birdwatch- Awesome affirmation the other day- was that yours? It was really great and I am going to print it out... Also- great advice for the new-to-SA members... (The club we never wanted to join... )

hoping2heal- Glad your meetings with the therapists went well. Sometimes it's nice just to know that there are people who understand all of this and can help- It's tough about the money, but I was in the same situation also, and somehow, it works... We cut out a lot of stuff, but I figured it was well worth it if it was going to change our lives for the better... And we got down to every other week now, so that helps.

whatwasthepoint- I understand your feelings and being overwhelmed... None of us wanted to be in this situation, but my H also has not had a relapse and it's been a year. It's scary to not really know a lot about SA, and there are so many scary stereotypes that you think of- Some SA's are only addicted to porn, and that's it- If they get help, that can be where it ends for them. Others don't get help until it's escalated... It's different for everyone. The key to changing that life is the right treatment. Your H probably DOES want a wholesome life... Mine does, but he didn't know how to have one with all the crap that was in his head before... Now he's re-learning how to actually have a wholesome life, like he's always wanted- He's happier than he's ever been in his entire life. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get educated and try to learn about SA. Then decide if you want to leave. Give yourself as little or as much time as you need to make that decision... The funny thing is that if you leave, but don't examine why an addict was attracted to you, and (vice versa), you may make the same mistake again and again- I resisted that so much in the beginning, and I thought everyone was crazy for saying it, but I realize that I fall in to a lot of those patterns of being the rescuer, the keeper of the peace, etc, etc... It helps to examine those things with a therapist... Good luck- We are here for you if you have any questions- Please learn as much as you can- Then you can make an informed decision about what you want to do.

quirkina- I'm not sure anything can get rid of that "sick sinking feeling", except time, education and counselling. Is your H willing to admit that he has a problem? Is he willing to explore the SA angle about himself? There are lots of resources that others have mentioned, but the most important one is that he recognizes that there is a problem and he wants to really change it. Recovery is hard, and if the person is not internally motivated, it is destined to fail. I hope your H can admit that he has a problem. Either SA or not- He needs help. They are all really great liars- So great, it's amazing and disgusting all at the same time. Check out the resources and educate yourself as much as you can. Take care. We're here for you.

IRN2006- Welcome. We are happy to have you join us here- Glad you found us... You sound like you have done a lot of work on your own recovery already- That's great.

hope4tomorrow- That stinks about your IC... It's so hard when you have to change from someone you really like and trust... (and free!) But that was good advice Naiveagain had about a sliding scale... Lots of places will do that- sometimes you have to show your tax returns, but it's worth it if you really need it! I wish you luck with finding a new one. I also wish you luck on enforcing your boundaries and working on yourself. I am sorry that your H is not serious about sobriety or recovery- But you said that you are scared about staying if he relapses... It sounds like he already is- He's not sober and he doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously... I hate to say it, but the odds are very high that he will repeat or even escalate his behavior without those two things in place. (I'm guessing your boundaries have to do with him cheating again- Any boundaries about him being sober? That might be a good thing to think about if you haven't already) Either way- Keep working on yourself- You'll figure out what YOU want... Good luck.

sugarnspice- Read my profile. My H thought he was bi-sexual, but he discovered he was an SA... and the high he got from the taboo sex act was so great, and it was so easy to find, that he did have encounters with men. He is attracted to women, but they don't have sex with you as easily... It sounds wierd, but it took me a long time to get it... Educate yourself as much as you can- I know I keep saying it, but it's the only thing that has kept me sane through this ordeal. (That, and this site and these great people!) I hope for yours and your H's sake that he does take this seriously and get help when he gets back... It can really change your life. (The right kind of help, that is... The wrong kind can really backfire!)

Melissa21- Sorry you are here- Check out the resources that have been given. They are great. Any questions you have, feel free to ask. We are here to help.

NA- Great list of resources and helpful info- I'm so glad you are here and helping others down this road... I know it hasn't been easy for you lately.

Spring2420- Yes, it could be the tip of the iceberg...Or it might not be. Trickle truth really goes hand in hand with this problem, b/c there is so much more shame attached with everything they are dealing with. They already feel so unloveable and they can't imagine how anyone could possibly understand what they have done... It really seems to be pretty typical, but here are always exceptions. Unfortuantely, b/c your H hasn't met with a counsellor specializing in SA, he probably ahsn't even gotten into all of it, even with the therapist he has currently. My H actually has lost memories of events that I know actually happened. It's a part of the compartmentalization process and even when he was being open and honest with his therapist and with me, long after DDays, he had a hard time remembering some things without my input- He honestly had blocked out some of it- With a CSAT, they typically do a full disclosure to the affected party (what EO said before) to "get it all out there", and start to heal... Sending my thoughts your way...

Newtwood- Glad to hear things are okay... Any hope of him seeing a CSAT when you get back to the states too? I remember awhile back that you couldn't find one in France... (I think I remember that...)
White-knuckling only lasts so long... My H tried it too, that was after Dday #1... And the next A started about 1 year later... Just checking- b/c I care! The odds aren't so great without the support system, but I know you guys can't find it over there right now... Sending you good luck and prayers!

EO- Awesome advice about telling family members. I did not tell, but probably more b/c I wasn't sure what to say at the time. I think that was very well-put.

hurtbs- Yay! He's taking steps to avoid temptation or things that would threaten his sobriety! That's great- I swear- sexualization is everywhere... My H says it's hard to do anything without having it thrown in his face! (Especially internet ads, pop-ups, etc... The filter is a great idea.)I'm happy for him (and for you)

My advice to everyone new here... These people can save your life. If you end up with your spouse, or without. Listen and learn everything you can... It certainly saved mine.

Whew! I think I got to everyone... That was a wild day that I missed!

[This message edited by innerstrength at 10:17 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
sugarnspice
♀ Member
Member # 18865
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I talk most days (he is in Iraq). We were talking today and I was asking questions and he was answering them and I asked how often does he masterbate and he said once a day. I told him that since he saying he has a problem then he shouldn't be doing it that much. He said that is his only outlet being there and if he doesn't he will get "blue balls". I didn't say it but thought OMG your nuts!.... anyway we ended up arguing for a while and I said fine I am done talking. I really don't want to talk to him anymore right now, I feel there is no point in trying if he can't keep his hands off his dick for one damn day. Sorry for the language. Have been having some medical issues recently, was put into the hospital last week due to a golf ball size mass in my throat, then today I found out I have shingles and skin cancer, nothing serious on the skin cancer. Just need to get them lopped off. Just getting a little worried something more serious is making the other stuff happen, I looked up shingles cause I didn't know anything about it and it is common in older people and people with low immunity systems such as cancer. Oh and I also quit smoking today. Lord have mercy on my soul and the soul's of poor children who will have to deal with the monster of the nicotine leaving my body. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by sugarnspice at 11:26 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Arizona
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following this thread for some time but today I have found the courage to share something. My story is no different than most of the stories of a betrayed wife. I recently found out that my husband has been unfaithful for the entire time of our marriage life of 24yrs. Even after I found some evidence in the computer, he denied of any wrong doing ,and it took almost 3 months of me suffering for him to come out and tell me his obsession with all kinds of sexual experiences he had . I insisted in wanting to know everything he did in the past, I begged and forced him to tell me when, where and who he acted out with. Well he hit me with the details, they were horrible ,humiliating and scary beyond my imagination. He was involved with prostitutes and watching porn regularly, he went to massage parlor and strip clubs a lot, he even had sex with a male prostitute.
This felt like a big bomb was dropped on my head. Well, my world collapsed just like that. The person I loved the most was able to hurt me the most, put my health at risk and not car about the consequences this will have in our relationship and our family. For long time he was able to act out and pretend that everything was ok in our relationship. I felt betrayed, rejected, degraded, and humiliated. Oh my GOD, where was I the whole time he was acting out?, how stupid can I be not to know I was not the only woman in his life, that I thought I had it all in control, not only me but also our friends and family thought we were a beautiful and loving couple. We went to SA therapist and he was diagnosed as sex addict. I am supposed to treat his behavior the same way one treats a drug addiction or any other addiction problem. I have read and learned many staff that will explain his behaviors, why he did what he did, I had some individual counseling for this issue as well, but I am still struggling to accept his behaviors as addiction problem or a disease. I am still convinced that he had a choice and he is responsible for his behavior. I am not sure if I feel the same way now, but I loved this man very much. Now I am so hurt and confused and I donít know what to do. Everyday is a strugle, most of the time I feel hopeless and desperate about the future and don't feel good about life in general when I realize my dreams of a good marriage and a good husband has been damaged for good. Sometimes I feel that I have moved on or that i am a little bit of control of my situation but then the reality of my situation hits me and that puts me back to the day I discovered he has a double life. It has been 7months since I found out but no progress on healing on my part. I was a person with full of energy and hope, I have always fixed things that mattered in my life, I knew my priorities and responsibilities and took them seriously. But now, every morning I struggle to leave the bed and face my responsibilities, I have no desire what so ever to do or plan anything. The things that used to be so important to me are not important anymore, basically I do the minimum to survive. I am just sad and angry throughout the day and I don't like my situation at all. Your opinion to my situation will be helpfuland thanks for beeing there.
Silla

Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my,

(((sugarnspice))) Wow, you are truly dealing with a HUGE amount at one time. Do you feel like superwoman? I am glad the cancer is not bad, and you caught it fairly quickly I guess, and I am amazed you are functioning at all right now! AND quitting smoking! Sending prayers and support to you to help get you thru this tough spot!

Silla (((hugs))) I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with.

I felt betrayed, rejected, degraded, and humiliated
We've all been there, and shocked and numbed also!

What are you two doing to get help? Have you and he gone into any counseling? Really really important to heal thru this. If you go up a few posts, click on 7yrsbetrayed's profile--she has an awesome list of resources to help you get started with understanding this more, and how to properly heal this. There are certain steps that just really need to be taken, as this is a tricky disease, and not everyone (as in a regular therapist/counselor) understands how to approach something like this.

Do know it is treatable, if the addict is serious about getting help. Has he tried a 12 step program? Because that can also be very helpful, especially having a support person to be accountable to.

It is very hard to get into the right mindset to understand that this is a disease/illness, and that your H did not do this on purpose against you, but because he is very broken inside and this is kind of like his blankie/pacifier--when he is stressed or hurt or angry, this is the way he has soothed himself all these years.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. (Oh, since this is your first post, if you double hit the space bar every once in a while, it will break your post up into paragraphs and make it a little easier to read--some of us have older eyes and lose focus on the bigger paragraphs a bit!)

ETA: Oh, woops, forgot to add if you look into all the resources under 7yrs profile, you need to go to her journal and click on latest entries!

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:33 AM, April 23rd (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sugarnspice- I'm so sorry for your health issues... It can feel like everything comes crashing down at once- And it can be harder to deal with things when you've got all the SA crap in your head to deal with too.

When you say:

I told him that since he saying he has a problem then he shouldn't be doing it that much

I agree and understand where you are coming from, but at this point, he has no support system over there, right? When does he come home? Unfortunately, at this point he may feel more ashamed and then just not tell you about it anymore...He may justify the masturbation, because in his mind, that may keep him from acting out with someone IRL...For them, if it is a real addiction, they can't just stop. That's why it's an addiction. Otherwise, it would be easy. If he really is SA, then he needs therapy, and real comprehensive help to develop his own recovery program...

I hope he can come home soon. I know this is hard for you and you are angry- You have every right to be! (But you are right that it should stop- It's just that he may not yet have the tools to do that correctly, if I understood your posts...) Take care.

(((Silla)))- I am so sorry that you are here, but I'm glad you found us... (If that makes sense!)

I'm not sure if you've read any of the books we've posted about SA, or for partners of SA's, but if not-please check them out... For me, I was right where you are- wondering if it was an addiction, or if my H was just a selfish a-hole, who could just say he couldnt stop and it would make it better in some way... I started researching, even before he did, and a lot of the personality traits and even non-sexual behaviors of addicts in general, really helped me to understand- And he fit the "mold" so perfectly... It helped me to see that I wasn't crazy, and that there was something that could be helped, if he wanted it. That gave me some hope.

I was(and still am-) crushed about the loss of my "great marriage", or the facade I thought it was, but I am slowly realizing that I now finally have the opportunity to really have the relationship I always thought I had before. My H is remorseful, he's doing what he needs to do. We're still working hard on it, but it's getting a little bit better everyday.

Although I was fooled by the addiction and the addict- (How could any of us have known? We trusted them- You had no reason to be suspicious- They are excellent liars!) I am realizing now that there was stuff missing, and I wasn't getting exactly what I needed from our relationship. I am now able to ask for what I need, and have a better relationship because of it.

It's still hard when people say how great my H is- (We were talkng about that not too long ago) But, I'm realizing that he never wanted that life and he finally is getting to the point where he really CAN be great.

As for feeling like you lost your inner drive and light- Be gentle with yourself- You've taken a hard blow. If you can continue to take care of your needs and decide what YOU want to do- Day, by day a little bit will start to come back. I was in exactly the same place you are- My H and I own a business and I couldn't function- I didn't get my work done, and I was just stumbling through my day- I felt like an empty shell... I felt like a completely different person. Slowly, I started to get my life back and feel empowered again. You'll get there.

Keep going to IC if you can, learn about this as much as you can, and decide what you want to do. We're here for you- Thanks for trusting us enough to post. Take care.


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 7yrs, You must be devastated. There are no words that can adequately express the sorrow I feel for you. Take care of yourself. birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Innerstrength,

Your post addressing everyone's concerns is awesome and it shows how much you care. I, for one, am grateful that I can count you as a rock and a friend.

In response to your question, yes, those are my affirmations. Since I am an antheist, I find it difficult to come across affirmations that speak to me, so I made mine up.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Grace Under Fire
♀ Member
Member # 21533
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't really posted on this thread, so I'll just sum up quickly.

My FWH has been addicted to porn for about ten years. It really escalated in the last two years; I learned of it after discovering he was having an A (his third, though I didn't learn of that until later). He's been in IC, MC, and a recovery program for 7 months now.

The last few days I've felt...uneasy. For no reason that I can point to. He always viewed porn at work so there's no way to check up on him to ease my fear. Then, last night, he initiated sex with some pretty graphic language. The kind of language he would use with the women he cyber-sexed with.

It's not that he's never talked dirty with me. It's just that the type of terminology he used combined with my uneasiness over the last few days have now made me really afraid he's backslid.

Does that sound like a red flag to anyone? Or am I being too hyperaware?


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2008
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Spring2420,

Regarding your question, should you tell your family, I wish to start off by saying, you are entitled to reach out to whoever you feel will support you and help you with your healing.

Many of us feel alone and unloved. We should guard against depriving ourselves of human contact and isolating ourselves from friends and families.

Having said that, it is important to realize there are consequences to disclosing marital problems of any kind to others, esp. affairs and SA. The person should be one who can be trusted to keep confidence, who has the maturity not to judge, who is willing to support you no matter what decision you make, and who is willing to simply listen and empathize without dispensing advice. You would not wish to disclose to someone who will broadcast it to the entire family, including your third cousin fourth times removed. It will also not help your recovery if you know that person has a tendency to judge and dictate to you what you should do. You should also be prepared that some people may not be able to handle the news, and may distance themselves from you (even if they are avoiding you simply because they don't know what to say to you).

In my case, I have different "levels" of disclosure. To a selected few, I tell the whole truth. To another few, I tell them my husband had "an affair" without mentioning mulitiple affairs over 7 years or SA. To other few, I tell them my husband and I are having serious problems, that we may or may not stay together, but we are going through counselling to work things out at this point. To yet other few, I tell them my husband and I are having troubles but are working on them. To many others, I don't tell them a thing. So it's not one size fits all.

As to those who are pressing you for more information, it is legitimate to remove yourself from them. Do not pick up their phone calls. Do not respond to their emails. If pressed, let them know you and your husband are having problems, you appreciate their concern, and you would appreciate it if they can respect your privacy.

And I tend to think (and this is PURELY my personal idiocyncratic preference), if the person is in my husband's family, I will at least disclose IF ASKED that my husband has been unfaithful without giving the gory details. That way, although they may think it's only one or two affairs, at least they are aware of the character of the problem. In addition, I do not want to be an enabler, accomplice and protector of my husband's secret life any more. I believe I should not shield him from the consequences of his actions. Note, and this is important, I would never tell others out of revenge or a desire to shame him.

In my case, I don't have that problem because my husband's entire family is in the U.K. so we have limited contact with them. They don't even know we are having problems. And my mother in law is 84, having had two strokes. I am fond of her, and it is not an exaggeration that if I tell her that her son is an SA out of the blue, she may not survive, so obviously, I have never contemplated telling her or will I ever.

Don't forget all your new friends at this forum. This is truly the venue to let it ALL out. Becuase if you can't do that here, where can you?

By the end of the day, the decision as to who you wish to tell and how much you wish to disclose should be a deliberate one. Be prepared for all kinds of reactions from people. But more importantly, do reach out and give people a chance to love and support you.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7Years - I'm so heartbroken to read your latest post and hope that happier news follows....

Birdwatch (and others who posted replies to my previous question) - my family does know, as THEY were the ones who told me about his voyeurism issues. He peeped on my mom, my aunt and my best friends - my mom knew about one episode for a year where he tried to take a photo of her while she was in the bathroom. She didn't say anything until the more extreme peeping episodes happened. *Everyone* in my family knows - it's horrible.

They are trying to be understanding, but of course there is pressure, encouragement to leave. They want nothing to do with him and in many ways I don't blame them.


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Grace. I know you will get some good answers here. This is a great group and so, so, supportive!

I don't know if it signals any red flags per se. I can only give you my experience with it. My WH uses very graphic language with me. I DO NOT like it one bit and have told him so (about a gajillion times now! ); in fact it turns me off! He also likes holding my wrists down like handcuffed-style (I know TMI... ). He seemed to be really into it back during the A . This of course was unknown to me since I didn't find out until it was over 6 months later. I thought he was just using it to excite himself because he had had some ED problems in the past and needed a little 'something extra'.

I'm pretty sure he and OW used the language and I know he used it to his cyber-sex chicks. It's part of the addiction. I also think because he grew up in a household where if you said DARN you were condemned to Hell FOREVER!!!! Yeah, FOO issues to the extreme max!

The one good thing is that your H is in MC/IC and doing some kind of program. There are other members here with more experience with the types of programs. CSATS and the like. They can give you better advice on that.

7: I'm so so sorry I was really hoping you would get better news! Take care of yourself.


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silla: I was so sorry to read your post and really do understand what you are going through.

Lately, I've been having the same trouble just coping with the day to day and have been unable to be optimistic or even think about long term plans or goals. It's a tough place to be, but I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and I won't always wake up feeling so hopeless.

I have been going to IC twice a month, which has been helpful. I have also found that reaching out to my friends has really helped keep from a real downward spiral. Try to keep those connections alive in your life during this time - even though I know the first instinct is to shut yourself off from everyone.

As others have said, this really is a great group and good source of strength and support.

*hugs*



me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the "veterans":

How long was your SAh in recovery before you got full disclosure? We've just started (in fact he hasn't even been officially diagnosed as SA). Basically all we've done so far is tell our story and why we are seeking counseling. He told the CSAT (in front of me) that he looked at porn a couple times a week (which was surprising because I thought he hadn't looked at any in months). So now I am so anxious and paranoid that there could be a LOT more that I don't know about. But he KNOWS that if I ever find out he's actually been physical with someone I'm gone, so why would he ever tell? I'm just going on the assumption that if he puts full effort into counseling/therapy there will come a point where he will WANT to disclose everything.

Is that true? I just can't stand the suspense. Plus, I don't want to waste my time going through counseling with him and then he ends up telling me a bunch of horrible stuff and I have to leave him. Can I tell his CSAT that I don't need to know all the details, but it is very important for me to find out if he's actually been with anyone else? Do I just ride it out and see what happens?


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope4tomorrow- That stinks about your IC... It's so hard when you have to change from someone you really like and trust... (and free!) But that was good advice Naiveagain had about a sliding scale... Lots of places will do that- sometimes you have to show your tax returns, but it's worth it if you really need it! I wish you luck with finding a new one. I also wish you luck on enforcing your boundaries and working on yourself. I am sorry that your H is not serious about sobriety or recovery- But you said that you are scared about staying if he relapses... It sounds like he already is- He's not sober and he doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously... I hate to say it, but the odds are very high that he will repeat or even escalate his behavior without those two things in place. (I'm guessing your boundaries have to do with him cheating again- Any boundaries about him being sober? That might be a good thing to think about if you haven't already) Either way- Keep working on yourself- You'll figure out what YOU want... Good luck.

innerstrength- you are so very sweet to reply to everyone like that. Thank you for replying to me. I really appreciate it.

Yes, it does stink. I don't want to see anyone else. I just feel like I'm all alone here now and I need some help dealing with this stuff. Truth be told, we don't have much left over $. Our newest baby was a complete surprise and we are paying more each month because of having her (more rent, no more pt job for me, having to pay tuition for my daughter's homeschool center, etc.) Anyway, I don't think we can both afford therapy and he needs it more. But if he will not get it, then I will see about me. I'm going to look into our insurance and see if they will cover some of it.

As far as being scared if he relapses, I'm talking about if/when he ever gets sobriety and then years later or something. But it's a moot point until he actually has sobriety. I know that he's never had sobriety. He's never made it to 30 days. I was waiting until he actually got some sobriety for some boundaries if he had a relapse but it does appear that I'm going to have to rethink that. I thought with him having an IC, a sponsor, his acctblty partners and his meetings that this time he could do it. Then it all fell apart. And some of that is on him but some of it is not. His IC and sponsor are not his fault. MY IC actually said that his IC probably did not help him at all (my IC was over his).

Is it ok to do the 180 with an SA? I just worry about the whole intimacy problem and then not having the connection and stuff. I don't know. It's so crazy.

I have to figure this all out. Our lease is up the end of July. I have until then to figure out if I want to stay or go. That would be the perfect time.

I will just work on me and try to see what it is that is actually best for me, not just what I want.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Grace:
Does that sound like a red flag to anyone? Or am I being too hyperaware?

You are not being hyperaware at all!

I can tell you my situation. Partner has a huge hooker fantasy. He would always tell me he was gonna beat me with the pimpstick and that he was gonna pimp me out on Hwy 49. He also groped me quite painfully, and every here and there he'll slip and start doing all that again. At first I didn't understand, then I realize he spent most of his day in that frame of mind, then when it came to interacting with me that thinking didn't change.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs.
I am so sorry. I am holding you and your pain in my heart!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain ,spring2420 and innerstrength.. Thank you for responding to my painful situation, I appreciate your comforting words. It is amazing how the details of our experiences might be different but how they affected us emotionally are very similar.

At the beginning , I had 3 sessions of IC, but then I was not very pleased with my therapist b/c during one MC session my H and I had her, I felt she was more on his side and the marriage than on my side. When I told her what my boundaries are , that is if he acts out again that will be the end of our relationship, she didnít like that at all. So I stop seeing her altogether.

Another reason I didnít try to find another CSAT is b/c our insurance plan doesnít cover it and honestly I felt I couldnít afford to spend that much money for someone to convince me my H is SA and I am having difficult time moving on b/c I canít accept it. I thought I could solve my problems alone, but I am not.

I am attending 12 step meetings at least twice a week, I have read Mending a Shuttered heart which helped me understand how deep I am hurt emotionally and I have a lot of hard work to face in front of me. My H is also in 12 step meetings and IC , he is very committed to his recovery and he encourages me to take care of myself and get some IC as well.

Now I am convinced I need IC and I hope I find a CSAT who can help me deal with my situation.
Silla


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

birdwatch- Anytime! I'm glad to be able to lean on you as well- All of you have helped me out so much- I want to make sure that I can, in turn, offer some of what I have learned through this- It's great how much we have all grown since we joined...

Grace- I don't think you're being "hyperaware"... I think you're just being aware. I like ldlh's example of what her H used to do... I think that's a great one. My H would do similar things, but before I found out about anything, I would just chalk it up to a change in mood or sex drive, etc... But it was SA related. Could you talk to him about it and ask if anything's going on? Since I found out about all of this and my H knows I know the secrets now- He hasn't been as good of a liar that he was before... I believe that we have those gut feelings for a reason. Good luck-

hoping2heal- I got full disclosure before I knew about SA... We had a Dday 2 years before this one, and it involved online hook ups, and men. At that time, he thought he was bi. He said that he wanted to be with me, and that he would be faithful, said that he had justified it to himself b/c it wasn't with a woman. It took a long time, (no IC though) and we decided to stay together. After DDay #2, I found SI and had him read about "full disclosure" and the importance of minimizing the trickle truth. It took about a week of me pestering him, b/c I didn't believe I had the whole story, but I finally got it all. (It took me awhile to believe I heard all of it though, too.)

Your fears maybe accurate, but only you can decide what you are going to do about it. For me, I'd much rather know right away than have to wait a long time to find out to make my decision. Good luck.

hope4tomorrow- I'm glad you appreciate my reply- You're welcome.

As for doing the 180- Yes, of course! If he's not doing what you think is behavior that you want to live with, 180-away! The 180 is for you. Not to control the spouse. It is so you can detach and start to take care of what you need to take care of. It's enforcing your boundaries. And you can explain it- It doesn't have to be a mystery to them- " I am sleeping in the other bedroom and I will only be interacting with you to talk about the bills or the children... etc. ... Because I know you are not sober and that is not how I want to live my life..." etc, etc... You fill in what applies to you, but absolutely- Take care of yourself!

In terms of the "intimacy problem"... That will be there until he is sober and far along in the recovery- Don't worry about that right now or being affected by a 180- It will still be there no matter what. Just be clear why you are enforcing your boundaries so that he knows what behavior is inappropriate to you. It's not a power play or a game. I hope you find what works for you and can find what you need right now. (((Hugs)))

Silla- Good luck to you- It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. So sorry you are feeling so low right now. We are here whenever you need us.


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
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