At first, i didn't think it affected our sex life, then I looked closer. Turns out he had a whore fantasy. I realized then when he wasn't using (this was a very brief time) his desire for me went waaay up, amongst other things.
I wont say he's an SA, but there are difinitely some issues, and his behavior is unacceptable.
Unlike some of you here if he is or if he has done anything I will end it immediately. I do not want to wait until he does something which is why I'm trying to diagnose him myself by asking these questions.
His sex with me is normal, he looks into my eyes & tells me how much he loves me, constantly connected to me.
There is a questionable email but he always wants to look like he is still one of the boys with the guys he works with. Guys in his industry cheat & go to strip clubs but that doesn't mean he can't change. Since he's been with me, he says he only went to one a long time ago & wont go anymore. I bet there are guys in his industry that are the exception. He stopped drinking when not with me cos I asked him to & he says yeah when people say we should get a drink he agrees & only plans to tell them he isn't going to if the time comes or he takes me with him.
I will leave him if I find out. It's not OK for me. I will not take a chance on an SA.
[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 1:03 PM, April 6th (Monday)]
I don't think he was trying to live in secret. I don't know what his recovery is like right now because I'm too afraid to ask. I know that is not healthy. I don't think he really wants to be in contact with her. He said that he was just too weak to not respond. The only thing was a text msg that he responded to but he said that he just replied that he was doing good. So the reply that I saw was just "good". Anyway, I did talk to him more and he is very sorry about it and said that he feels bad that in a moment of weakness he brought her back into his life. He doesn't know how to block her # on the phone. I did tell him that it wasn't acceptable and he does understand the hurt that it caused me.
I thought that I had told him to tell me if someone contacted him but he did seem like he didn't think he had to. I don't know. Maybe he forgot. It's not normally an issue because he has not talked to her in about 6 mos. So I then made sure that he knew that he could absolutely not talk to her or tell me if he hears from her.
I just don't know what a good, livable consequence will be for this. I have to make sure it's something that I'm willing to enforce. I just don't want to be a single mom right now when I'm still dealing with all this stuff. I'm already having a hard time being here for the girls as it is.
I don't know if he's ever really officially sent a NC letter or email or anything to her but I think that it is necessary now. I think she is going to continually pop up in our lives if he doesn't because they both think they can be just friends. He just has a hard time opening up and telling anyone anything that he did wrong. He has a hard time telling his accountability partners, his sponsor, and me. It's just hard for him being the intimacy disorder that it is. But I know that I'm going to start asking him things and I think doing the FANOS thing every few days at least so that he has to start opening up.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent and ramble on.
Iwillrecover, my SA does have the same kind of sex with me. He looks into my eyes, he's never fantasized about other women, etc. He makes love to me. That has never been his problem. It's just that when he gets stressed, he can't cope like a normal person and looks to sex as a way to deal with life. He uses porn, masturbation, (in the past) profiles and chatting with women, and even ONS to try to get that intimacy and/or cope with life.
I just wanted to let you know that regardless if he's SA or not, there are different kinds of SA and not all of them are fantasizing about other women while making love to their partner.
Anyway SAH is putting on a good show of remorse and of getting the help he needs. I guess only time will tell at this point. We are both in IC & MC.
Thank goodness my AD meds were started before this mess & were immediately increased and adjusted once this situation started coming to light 2 months ago, because I am feeling a lot more emotionally stable at least for the moment.
Waiting for some of the books yall have recommended to come in the mail.
Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin
[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:31 PM, April 6th (Monday)]
I deleted the info cos I thought my SO wasn't one.
This is not a judgement just curiosity. I read your profile that your husband hasn't stopped & still lies to you. Why are you still with husband? Love, children, acceptance that it's not about you or do you think that all men do it anyway?
I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. This whole business of betrayal is crazy-making.
It sounds as if you're giving some serious thought to boundaries. I'm having a hard time keeping everyone's stories straight, but from your post, it seems as if you don't put much faith in the work he's doing. Do you think he's just going through the motions? Are you afraid to institute clear boundaries (such as NC with any former partners)?
Boundaries aren't to force the issue, they're to give you a safe framework for you -- behavior you will and will not tolerate and clear consequences for breaching. It's to save your sanity and stop the constantly moving line in the sand.
From what I can see on this thread, those in serious recovery have no trouble with boundaries because they know it's part of their recovery. Those trying to white-knuckle it or still in some denial about their behavior, tend to try and push the limits of the boundaries leaving the spouse constantly on edge. Exhausting and unhealthy for everyone.
Anyway, just wondering if they are pretty much the same thing. Each website's description of symptoms did not sound similar. For example, the COSA description made it sound as if the members had internalized their feelings more so than the S-ANON descriptors.
It's a lot of factors.
One reasons is that he seems pretty perfect when he's not an addict. I think he's a good guy with a problem. Also, I think he's getting a little closer to recognizing his problems. Also, I've tried to be a bit more lenient with him since we went thru a crisis together.
My relationship with him sounds bad, but it's not as bad as what I've had in the past.
Thanks for responding. I understand. My SO is pretty perfect otherwise too. Until the ONS everything was great...just normal relationship issues but he's the best I've ever had. He adores me too.
Unfortunately for me though if he is a SA I'll have to leave. I can't wait for him to give me an STD or something.
Sorry it's been so long since I last checked in with all of you- I have LOTS of reading to catch up on!
I have been out of town, and then my computer got some crazy worm and I haven't had access in months!
Welcome, to all the new folks here- This is a great place to get info and advice. These ladies have saved my life, my sanity and my marriage!
Things on my end have been going really well- My H is still seeing the same CSAT, attending group meetings, and has been sober since last fall... We are rebuilding and finding fun in our lives again. Hard to believe, but it's happening.
Honestly, I have you guys to thank for it. If I hadn't found you and gotten such good advice- 7 yrs and EO especially- I would be divorced by now. (And still not really know why, other than the fact I had a liar and a cheat for a H!)
I hope to not be as much of a stranger, and hope I can help out as much as I've been helped... It truly is a different life.
Thanks ladies- You forever have a place in my heart- And I've never even met you!
When he came home he was really sweet & made a really nice dinner. I ate it while choking back tears.
Afterwards I nicely asked him if he was gonna say anything. He said he's not much of a talker, that he gets confused. I said that if you tell the truth & don't play games there's no confusion. He wouldn't start it so I started to ask questions. He said he had no intentions of the old behavior & that nothing had happened since we've been together other than ONS yada yada same answers as always.
I said that he had said this morning he didn't know if he would ever visit a prostitute in the future & that he had said recently since Dday that he wouldn't do that or anything so that was a contradiction.
He said see I told you I get confused. He got defensive & tried to confuse me or just worm his way out of it I think so I said that we obviously can't talk without him wanting to argue so it's over. He can leave.
Somewhere in there I also asked him to pretend we were not us...just 2 friends & I was crying to him about my boyfriend & telling him all the stuff I've told you guys...would he think the guy was a liar. He didn't even let me finish & said I was trying to trick him & be clever. That's why I gave up talking. I was being non-threatening & non judgmental...just wanted him to be honest. I think he wouldn't feel I was tricking him if there was nothing to hide. If I had nothing to hide & someone thought I did & questioned me that way I would just laugh...maybe even feel compassion for their insecurity.
Does he sound like your husband's? I thought he might just come clean cos lying hasn't been working for him since Dday 3 months ago.
He was doing something COMPLETELY innocent and harmless and BAM -- there's porn in his face.
I know *I* can't control whether or not he looks at porn and breaks those boundaries, but for those of you in recovery, how do you handle a situation like this where his "sobriety" is broken but not by his own doing? (Yes, I know my SAH is not sober, just wondering for the future).
In other words, his good images says he is a good family man and provider, and husband. A good husband does not push for 3-somes or call hookers with serious intent. So, now that it has happened a few months ago, it is easy for him to minimize all that, and if I never bring it up again, it would fade in his memory and I truly believe in a year or two, that stuff never would have happened in his mind anymore. He would just make it disappear. While I will always remember him doing these things, he will erase them in his head.
That is where the confusion comes in. You are right, you don't get confused when you just tell the truth all the time, but since they have to try to remember if this stuff really happened the way we are saying it did (and it couldn't have, because they are good people and good people don't do this kind of stuff), so you and I must be wrong.
Mine has even called ME mentally ill, and told me he is truly worried about my sanity, as I don't remember things and make up stories.
That is why this disease is called a "crazy-making" disease.
He said see I told you I get confused.
Raising BOTH my hands, jumping up and down and yelling "Yes, I have heard this and heard this and heard this!" And I made the mistake of believing him. Stupid me.
I have dealt with a similar situation as well. He failed to understand just how important it was for me to know she had contacted him - that it was about openness, trust and honesty. By him telling me, and risking an adverse reaction from me, he was helping us, especially me, recover. He finally gets it.
It is horrible, isn't it? Just the magazine covers on mainstream magazines can be awful! My rSH has now determine that he can't open any youtube items without me in the room...he saves the jokes from his friends and stuff for when he is home and we are in the den together just hanging around. He says it helps keep him from clicking on all the other youtube suggested items. I understand there are some really good porn blockers out there, but we can't put one on his work computer.
I often long for the Victorian days, but don't think I could wear all those clothes in the summer....
I came to SI years ago when I was still in the dark and wondering what the hell was wrong with my marriage. A year ago I demanded a lie detector test and he finally confessed to a hooker then to ONS and then to more bizarre stuff. Itís been a tough year of trickle truth. Heís been doing this for 30 years. I was always suspicious of him but I wasnít prepared for the disgusting things he told me. I was in shock for the first 6 months. He seems like an alien to me now. I stare at him and still canít believe he actually did this stuff.
We arenít doing well. I still think heís lying and hiding things and he gets angry when I try to talk about it. He says he will never do anything again and he can control it himself. I see him trying but I know from everything I read that he canít do it himself. There isnít any help available to us and Iím not sure heíd go to a therapist even if there was one. I really donít know what to do next.
I'm sorry you're so alone with this.
Unless your husband is in recovery, there's not much you can do re. his behaviour but you can certainly control your own recovery. If there isn't any counselling available (absolutely none??), what about logging onto Recovery Nation. It looks quite good and I know others have found it helpful. My husband does his counselling with an SA counsellor via phone. Would your husband even consider something like that?
My heart aches for you. You seem so distressed... I have no idea what the truth is in your relationship, but I suspect it's not going to come easily.
Welcome back. I'm so glad to hear that things are going well and your husband is solidly in recovery. Amazing how life looks different, huh?
no, they're not the same thing. One is for the addict and the other is for spouses/family of the addict. However, in a small community, it might be organized by one person. I know we've run into that in my city -- where one or two people seem to organize all the different variations of the groups. Just make sure that the group you're going to is for the co-dependents of the addicts, not the group for the addicts themselves. You need to feel free to talk about your feelings and issues.
I'm so much more aware now thanks to my husband and the fact that I have an almost-11-year-old daughter. Even fashion magazines seem to be selling flesh more than clothes. I'm no prude...but honestly! OUr culture just keeps pushing it further and further until nothing seems shocking.
I printed out some stuff for him from Recovery Nation. He reads it (or pretends to) agrees he has a problem and then NOTHING. Heíll never mention it again. I feel like he just agrees with everything I say to shut me up. Says heís doing fine until I want to talk and bring things up again.
When I really push to talk about it he says he knows some of the things he did were sick but they are in the past and he has it under control. Heís sorry, heíll never do it again. What more do I want- and about then he leaves the room so I canít keep talking to him. To be honest by then weíre just going in circles anyway. I canít make him get help. He has to want to do that himself. Itís all just so hard. I hate it.
Yeah, I guess I'm not sure about his recovery. He knows he has a problem and has known it for a long time so there's not the denial issue. He has never had more than 3 weeks sobriety. Right now I'm just at a loss. He goes to meetings and he has a sponsor but his IC moved away and I have to let him find one if he's going to. I have to let go.
But yeah, I'm trying to figure out logical consequences for such things. I talked to him some more and he honestly just didn't want to bring her up again and hurt me so I did tell him that he can't do that. That it's not showing honestly and all that. I think he gets it finally.
I'm actually not afraid to have boundaries and enforce them. I'm just having trouble coming up with consequences that I can live with. I can't just say something that I'm not really going to enforce.
I'm so glad that things are looking good for you. :)
It is awful, isn't it? It's everywhere. TV, streets, billboards, pop ups. It's not like being an alcoholic and not going to bars or whatever. It's very hard to not have a trigger and start down that path.
Yeah, I think we are dealing with what you described and I do think that he understands now that we have to decide things together.
I'm so sorry that he's not helping you and him heal and deal. Has he read any books or done anything to understand? It doesn't sound like he wants to get help. :(
That sounds very discouraging and confusing. I'm sorry that he isn't telling you the truth. My SAH is not like that because he does own his addiction now and he will be honest finally when I ask him.