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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
omisery
♀ Member
Member # 22967
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

luv80smusic: I found that my SA always made sexual comments to me, even when we were going through very stressful times and hardly communicating at all, the only way he seemed to know how to connect was through making passes at me at the worst possible moment. Of course that only drove us further apart. So I guess it could be an issue if he is not communicating with you in other ways?


Me: BW 40
Him: WH 45

Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin


Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
omisery
♀ Member
Member # 22967
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, and also luv80smusic:

Does that remind you or anybody else of Micheal Scott on the Office?

"That's what she said."


Me: BW 40
Him: WH 45

Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin


Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help seeing some things without my own personal set of codependent glasses.
Things always seem clearer to someone else outside.

Please look at this bit of exchange between SAH and I, and tell me where he is still using addict-speak and where I may be perpetuating our patterns.

A little background: I have been feeling uncomfortable because I feel he has "slipped" or whatever the term is, and has hidden it. More than one incident or behavior sent that gut feeling. He is still very closed off as far as how he is feeling. He is still very private about work, tells me very little unless he thinks he should. Any communication or honesty is in spurts and usually when I have been asking him to stop shutting me out. How he is doing with his daily emotions is completely off limits.

I stopped asking weeks ago for honesty. I did not go any further in our conversations other than to let him know I still felt he was being dishonest, and shutting me out. In short, I think I have detached and he is just now noticing.

I feel like he is trying to re-engage in the dance and I am not sure if I am responding in a way that is healthy. I feel as though I am being cold, but I cannot try to explain anymore what he is doing by withdrawing. It becomes more about me trying to change his behavior. He will "try" for a while, but it isn't real. It stops as soon as he thinks I am not angry. I really want to do this different, and think I am, but that self-doubt is whispering, so I need different perspective.
I read this and part of it seems so minor, but the closed off personality is killing our marriage, and is very connected to the SA for him. So please point out where I am still being codependent, where I am making progress, and where I might be missing his progress. One of my issues is how he knows the right recovery words to use, and I don't want to be swayed by them.


ETA: to take out the long emails conversation. I just need a little perspective on what I need to ask myself as we communicate, when I feel he isn't.

This is the first conversation of any real substance in a couple of weeks. I do not want to reject a real attempt at vulnerability.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 9:27 PM, April 10th (Friday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't usually post here but I have a question.
Is it OK for your SA husband to make sexual comments about you?
For example, any time he can turn a remark into something sexual, he will. Not in front of anyone else but me, but he will. You know if a word or phrase has two meanings, he will automatically think if the dirty one and make a comment. Is it just the way the SA minds works? It bothers me. Shouldn't he be trying to NOT think like that, even if it is about me?

All comments welcome.

For me, it depends on how he says it, but it sounds like your spouse is sexualizing everything. If it bothers you, I would definitely say something!!!

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 4:12 PM, April 10th (Friday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am entering a new emotional stage. I reconfigured my webwatcher to better capture screenshots and I am now seeing pictures of some of these guys and of her on the net. It definitely makes my stomach turn for the worse. Confrontation is scheduled for the 28th at the SA counselor's office (little does she know, the trick will be getting her there).


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
palerider
♂ Member
Member # 22496
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred,
You mean together in the same picture?

Posts: 579 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

luv80smusic - I have seen a tendency for SA's to sexualize just about everything, and I am guessing it is because their whole lives revolve around sex.

My H would sexualize everything, and as was said before, if there could possibly be a sexual meaning for something, that is how he perceived it. The sexual jokes, the references, he would see things that everyone else would miss or not pay attention to, he was scoping out stuff all the time.

If we were out, and a woman would bend down and a bit of boob would show from her shirt, I would definitely hear about it. And usually, this seems strange, but his comments would go something like, "does she know everyone can almost see her nipple?", or "is she trying to flirt with me, when she bends over to show some of her boob?", or "she needs to shut her shirt some". And I have been married before, and dated before, and most guys just seem to notice it and move on, or kind of ignore it, but he would make a big deal out of it. After noticing it, then he would make a big deal out of looking away, because he said it embarrassed him. And I always felt like saying, For crying out loud, it is just a boob. Grow up!

It always seemed kind of weird to me, and he even would tell sexual jokes from time to time around my parents, which totally embarrassed me, but he was used to doing those things, because that is how he grew up.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'm asking for 2x4s here.

Does staying make me an enabler? From what I post, do I enable him a lot?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain:

ldlh - I am so sorry you are dealing with such ignorant people, about "you should have known better, and he can't possibly love you". Don't listen to them, what does Dr Phil say - "You can't fix stupid!"

Come to think some of the people have something to gain if I just left...

I admitted to what I did, and now he won't stop bringing it up. He says he's not upset, but he'll keep mentioning it. It's kind of a challenge for me b/c there are 50 things I could bring up, but I don't.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
luv80smusic
♀ Member
Member # 17248
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies. I guess what bothers me most is that I have told him I don't like it and he keeps doing it. I think I need to be clearer and remind him again.

Omisery - Yes, he is not quite as bad as Michael Scott
at least around me. I hope he isn't like that at work


Betrayed wife
D Day 9/7/07
Reconciled yes 100% trust no

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Dec 2007
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine also makes a lot of sexual comments (like the boob example). I always thought it was because of his immaturity. He's 37, but hangs out with guys barely out of college-- guys who still crack wiener jokes and call each other gay.

But maybe you are right -- maybe sex DOES play a big part in his thinking.

Oh, and the abstinence comments made me think about that episode of Seinfeld where George's girlfriend had mono and couldn't have sex, so they abstained and he became BRILLIANT!!!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...so they abstained and he became BRILLIANT!!!

So there is a good side effect!!! I'll let y'all know if it works!

[This message edited by OurLifeBack at 1:29 PM, April 11th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foray,

Does he at least have numbers he can call?

Yes he has some phone numbers - just got them last week I think. But he doesn't have a sponsor. Is it normal for it to take a while?


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too Trusting,

I don't know anything about th 40 day 90 day thing. I was asking if it was celibacy. I don't even know yet if my SO is a SA.

The reason I talked about "sacrificing my relationship" is because in a book on marriage the author says that you need to have sex at least once a week cos it bonds you. My relationship is barely hanging on since Dday so I figured celibacy could only harm it further. Then I did mention that if he is SA that it would probably be a better choice if that was necessary.

Pat Allen is a Marriage Therapist who is also trained at Harvard in sex & Alcohol Addiction.

She is the therapist we went to after Dday. She never gave any SA advice because we never thought there were any SA issues. Maybe there are not. I need to get him assessed.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 4:51 AM, April 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to respond to the posts I've missed. If we've missed anyone, feel free to re-post. It's hard to keep up!

luv80s: my husband always made (and often still does) what I refer to as "sophomoric" jokes. He does tend to be immature in that way, as I think many of these guys are. It's bizarre how they can be so brilliant and accomplished in one arena and cracking frat-house-humor in another. I think, for many SAs, they see so much of the world through sex-glazed eyes and it doesn't seem inappropriate or out of context for them. Just goes to show how distorted the thinking is.

Iwillrecover: The abstinence notion is to get the "drug" (sex-induced hormones) out of the addict's brain and get them to a new "normal" so that they can begin their recovery. I think in your case, without a diagnosis, whether or not you have sex is up to whether or not you feel comfortable. If it feels intimate and loving and brings you closer, I would think that's a good thing. If, on the other hand, you're doing it because that's what a "healthy" relationship looks like, it might be time to take a step back. You'll also reasses if your SO is diagnosed as an SA.

Tootrusting,
I'm not sure what to say re. your question. Are you two in MC? It sounds as if much of the problem is simply poor communication skills, exacerbated by all the pain created by his SA and your co-dependency issues. If your husband learned to communicate better and keep you a larger part of his life (by talking with you about it), I suspect a lot of your anger would dissipate. Does that sound like a fair assessment?

Hope you're all having a good easter.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternal, thanks for trying to answer.

I think I was overly worried about communicating just right with my SAH. I was worried about responding exactly the right way. Codependent, really; there are no magical phrases to "get through." I still catch myself trying to, though.

It is more than communication. He has kept his life, mostly work, separate from me and his family. A huge factor in his addiction. While he is making progress in parts of his recovery, this secrecy is still very much a problem.

I had recently begun to detach more as a result, and I was afraid his attempt at communication was another example of him giving me a little to reassure me.
I would then relax a bit, engage more, and the openness would disappear.
I think my biggest fear was seeing hope and there wouldn't really be any real progress.

We talked. I didn't tell him all was good. I didn't say much. He talked quite a bit. I think I am beginning to reach that healthy detachment I should. He will do what he will do and I do not need to lead him in any direction, or encourage or discourage.

I can hope without being in denial.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh-
Okay, I'm asking for 2x4s here.
Does staying make me an enabler? From what I post, do I enable him a lot?

Okay- I will attempt a quick answer to your question... (only b/c I have to run to work, but wanted to answer by what I have seen in the past)

I am not that great with 2x4's, but I will tell you what I've seen since I started reading your posts a long time ago...

I do not think that staying, necessarily makes you an enabler. But I do think that you have not enforced your boundaries. You are not happy with the current circumstances, and you haven't taken the steps to get yourself to a place where you can be. Your H is not in recovery, seems to still be acting out, and nothing has changed for you. Even your tagline implies that he is still acting out regularly...

Nothing will change. Why should he? He's got you, and he's got his porn... He's happy- (but still not healthy or recovering) But are you?

It's up to you what your boundaries are, and what you are willing to live with, but it doesn't seem like you want to live like this forever. So do something to change it. Lay down some boundaries and stick with them. Even if that means that you leave and start a new life on your own. The choice is yours and the power to change your life is solely up to you. You are the only one who can say what you want for your life.

My guess is that living like this is not it... Especially since you are asking.

Good luck- I hope I answered your question appropriately. This forum is all about supporing eachother and I feel it would be a disservice to not give you my honest opinion of your situation as it has been presented to me...

I hope you find the strength to take charge of your life and decide what you want out of it. It's time to start asking and taking back control of your own destiny!


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,

Happy belated easter!

I am sorry I have not logged in over easter. Now I am at work and things are a little hectic. I will try to read all the posts sometime today. You are all in my thoughts.

I wonder if any of you had similar experiences like the one I had this weekend.

My husband booked me a manicure and pedicure on the weekend, and even drop by during my session to say hello. The lady at the spa, all bright eyed, said to me "He seems like such a good man - so romantic and attentive. You are very lucky."

My immediate, knee-jerk thought was, "I AM LUCKY! YOU MEAN HE IS LUCKY? You think he is this perfect husabnd, huh? Let me tell you sister the hell he had put me through!"

Please understand I do appreciate my husband's attentiveness. He is trying his best, and I do love him for it. But I feel indignant nonetheless when other women see my husband through rose-coloured glasses and think that I should be grateful to have such a great husband. I want to scream, you don't know half of the story - how about he is lucky to have me? Many women would have run for the hills after all the affairs, let alone the added element of SA. Yet I stayed, despite the unspeakable hurt and betrayal. When do I get the medal?

I am sorry to rant. I am absolutely okay, really. I just wonder if anyone had similar experiences. And I hope you don't think I am evil for being ungrateful.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:49 AM, April 13th (Monday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch,

Oh yeah, I've had and continue to have the same experiences. To the outside world, especially to women, my H is a most incredible man and husband, indeed.

In fact, in IC I am learning that is a huge part of why I have stayed all these years. These ideas that I got myself 'a real catch' is HUGE in the dynamics of this marriage.

And like you, whenever I hear a glowing review of him, I have to bite my tongue as not to shout out the truth.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had our first appointment with the CSAT this morning. We only had an hour, which barely gave us time to get through our history, but from what little I told him, the CSAT said that there's a possibility he's not SA, but does agree that he's got serious issues stemming from childhood with an alcoholic father. He told us both to take the SAST test on sexhelp.com (I take it for how I THINK FWH would answer) and we're suppose to bring the results to him next week. He said if he did score a moderate score we should pay $30 to take the more comprehensive SARA test.

I did the test how I thought he would answer and the result was an 8 (out of 20) -- right at the point where non-addict turns addict. Curious to see how he really scores (if he allows himself to be honest).

At least it's a start...


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
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