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User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{fallenangel}}}}}
Your WH is trying to get some kind of response from you and will keep upping the ante until he does.
I know 180 doesn't work with these NPD's, but the only thing I can suggest is to not engage with him in terms of arguing. What also helped me is the next day after WH berated me for something, I simply INFORMED him calmly that I will not allow him to hurt me anymore. I told him that if he was going to start to say hurtful things to me, I was going to walk away and go to another room. I was a human being with good and bad points like everyone else in the world and I was not going allow him to bully me.

I know they really don't "get it", but when you tell them in advance that this is what you are going to do, it seems to help.

You know, maybe you should record some of the things he says and play it for your IC or a close friend so they can give you a reality check. The reality checks are what helped me the most.

Hopefully, when he leaves you will find some peace. It takes such a long time to recover from them.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
lied2
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Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallenangel I am so sorry you are having to endure that kind of abuse.

Can you carry a voice recorder with you? In most places you can record a conversation you are a part of. It may get him to stop if he is being recorded. (but it could escalate it to use with caution.

I learned early on in my marriage to never go into room without 2 exits when my ex would get like this. That allowed me to leave the room if he started. It was not always possible to leave the house when he would do that kind of stuff but it helped if I could ignore him and work on something else.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a co-morbidity of histrionic PD is common with NPD.
I know it doesn't really matter, as you still have to get away from these ramalama ding dongs, but I was reminded of the time she had me in a room
(yeah...one exit)- stood in front of the door she had closed, blocking my attempts to leave, and lashed me with the tirade du jour.
Another time, she screamed; "I want you to die!" for 20 minutes in front of her teenage son.
She would frequently grab my briefcase, preventing me from leaving for work while she heaped abuse, surrendering it only when I crawled in the dust and made proper obeisance.
If I had the briefcase and was leaving, she would hop on my back to prevent me.

Yeah, not entering rooms with one exit, and hiding a VAR on your person for documentation...
That's what I'll be looking for in my next relationship!

Histrionic hi-lites (from wiki):

- People with histrionic personality disorder usually have good social skills, but they tend to use these skills to manipulate other people and become the center of attention.
- People with this disorder lack genuine empathy. They start relationships well but tend to falter when depth and durability are needed, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

- Additional symptoms include:

* Exhibitionist behavior.
* Constant seeking of reassurance or approval.
* Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions.
* Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.
* Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.
* Excessive concern with physical appearance.
* Somatic symptoms, and using these symptoms as a means of garnering attention.
* A need to be the center of attention.
* Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
* Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others.
* Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
* Making rash decisions.

That's all just for identification purposes, similar to:
Q. What kind of spider is that?

A. They BITE. Get AWAY.

Every page on these threads should have this repeated:
You are here because of your value as a target, as supply.
Your strength.
Your beauty.
Your goodness.
Your ability to fix things, and overcome unimaginable - and for the most part? unnecessary crap!

Read it. Believe it.



Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
fallenangel02
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Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ramblings...cuz i really have no where to post this...


I have started carrying a recorder with me at all times and did record his last episode . next morning he was perfectly fine.

walking away..that is what i always did....first i use to lock myself in rest room...but he would sit outside the door..and continue anyway ..for hours...then i started leaving the apt. to let him calm down...at times..i would be stepping out at 11 PM...i would be roaming the streets..or finding a quiet space to sit for an hour or so...then go back...and he would just talk a little..how i left DS4 ...how i cant handle the truth...and how i do this to get sympathy from people that i had to leave in night time to escape him....

last year..i left him all together...and flew to my parents...with DS4. matter was presented to my whole family...he lied n lied n lied..even said in 4 years of marraige i cooked for only 4 months..rest he did? (trust me..one day he would even say he gave birth to DS4 and i would not be surprised) anyhow...his major major complaint to my parents was that i do not talk to him...??? i told everyone..if he is cursing...screaming n such i will not engage...they said i shud be active in communication..blah blah CRAP. they simply could not get it...nor they ever will...they sent me back to him saying dont leave apt late at night its not safe...when he talks..u shud reply...and plz COOK for him???
it was a huge wakeup call that they all believed his lies...(now i haev recorded eveidence to show his madness)
so now i know i am truly on my own.
thats another story.

u know..he says he LOVES DS4..more than anything...and he is always trying to turn him against me...always...it hurts me alot..i stay quiet...DS4 will see for what he really is later on...but not only that...since i was pregnant...he has been brainwashing me into believing i am the worst mother ever...i dont love DS4 ..i dont do enough for him...how he believes i am an
inadequate mom..and if he dies..i will never be able to take care of DS. like every single day...he will find something to put me down for...now it has come to a point..that i am not sure if i love DS4....i have become a robot looking after him..this must be done like this...to equal a good mother...i have lost that motherly connection ...like what do i have to lose..i will never be a good mother...(thats what WS tells everyone...and thats why he cheats again n again..cuz i am a bad mother and it pisses him off...whatevr)
just now...I asked DS what kind of ice cream u want...vanilla or choc. he said bit of both...i said ok...but WS started...why do u want chocolate..thats mamas icecream...vanilla is dads fav. ice cream...u shud eat vanilla...not choc. i kept quiet but when he kept on teasing him about it..i told WS ...let him choose and enjoy what he wants..must he always choose between both of us...in everything..?
it pisssed him off and he was like i ask him questions to make him think...to see what replies i get from him...u dont engage in useful conversation ...why r u getting upset...???

phewwwwwwww...ok WS you win..u r way too intelligent for me....

WS tries everyday to build a wall between DS4 and me...he works on both of us..separately ...and i must say he has succeeded somewhat...cuz i just can not do anything right as a mother...as WS puts it..i pretend i am show off to the world that i am great mom...but in reality only if the world knew how horrible i am...


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen: Are you in IC? Your are a good mother!!!! Your WH is HORRIBLE to keep trying to put DS in between you and making him feel he has to choose!!!! This is going to cause damage.
I suggest you start recording these things that WH is saying to DS. Lawyer up about custody.

I am so sorry. I know only too well how the NPD erodes one's self esteem and makes us question ourselves about everything we do or say.

You need RL reality checks. You need to see that this is damaging behavior to both you and DS.
I truly understand. I need reality checks too. I still fall into the traps that WH sets for me and believe him!!!

{{{Fallen}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
fallenangel02
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Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes good idea...i didnt think of recording those conversations between WS and DS4...

I need to get tons of batteries for those recordings..

thanks for the tip !


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
MaleableReality
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Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, this is so accurate:

Histrionic hi-lites (from wiki):

People with this disorder lack genuine empathy. They start relationships well but tend to falter when depth and durability are needed, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Yes...my marriage exactly. What do you mean I should support YOU in times of trouble?

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval.

of those he considered worthy...yes. but once he's moved on to some other valued approver, the initial sought out approvers were somehow a big pile of shit who were never worth his attention in the first place.

Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions.

goes without saying, lol


Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.

I was regularly embarrassed by his retelling of some slight he'd received as the story would get more and more gradiose and people would clearly start to become uncomfortable. I always tried to soften this, laugh it off, get him to stop, but if I did that too much I'd get the verbal backhand.

Somatic symptoms, and using these symptoms as a means of garnering attention.

initially during our separation, he was constantly having some major illness, some scary test done and it worked, I was extremely worried about him

* A need to be the center of attention.
* Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
* Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others.
* Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
* Making rash decisions.

Um...yeah. All of the above. Although with the delayed gratification, I'd have to say that if it provided a chance to manipulate someone else, he'd be perfectly fine with putting off the delivery of some desired thing. He enjoyed slowly working on me to get me to a point where I was saying "of course you should have that ridiculously expensive thing when we're in debt up to our ears...how could I have thought otherwise?"

I was just ruminating on why today. Why did this happen? Why did he pick me. And I know its because I am a vessel that never runs dry. I always have more to give. I give to everyone without question and to those I love I give more than I have to give. So he could take endlessly and somehow that meant to me that he loved me. Once I stopped giving to him and kept something for myself, in his eyes I became a big steaming pile of shit.

Now THAT'S love right?


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
lied2
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Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somatic symptoms, and using these symptoms as a means of garnering attention

Mine has seizures that have no organic cause and always seem to reappear when he is under emotional stress (like cheating on his family and getting kicked out)

I also remember one point my youngest was having surgery and he got in touch with a friend of mine that was nice to him and was crying to her about how he was worried about DS etc. She called me up and was wondering what he was going on about since she knew that he had not even had contact with the kids for a good 4 months at that point even though he had only been living 6 blocks away and short of drove past our house every day.

They are black holes and will suck you dry and then discard you. It is all they know how to do.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
diditagn
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Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to post some info I found it might have been posted before, but NPD's are more frequently "stealth/ambient abusers" I found an example of a conversation between husband and wife. It sent chills down my spine, I swear, someone must have recorded my exh.

I do believe there are many here especially on the NPD board dealing with abusers. Hope someone seeing this can benefit from knowing it isn't just them.

Husband to wife: You think you have friends?! Our friends are courteous people. They don't tell you how ridiculous they think you are, but they tell each other...and I've overheard comments. You don't have any friends; just people who feel sorry for your ignorance. People merely tolerate you out of a sense of kindness and feeling sorry for your pitiful appearance and your ridiculous ideas. Perhaps you should practice keeping your mouth shut...and while you're at it, take a look in the mirror. If that looks good to you, you're really more messed up than they think you are. Rather than embarrass me further, why don't you just stay at home so I don't have to be seen with you. After all, I would like to have friends who don't avoid me, just because they don't want to be around you or be put in a position where you're imposing on their patience and tolerance. It might be a good idea for you to consider seeing a psychiatrist. Maybe a professional could get through to you. I'm tired of trying to get through to you. You're just too far gone for me to be able to help you by telling you the truth about yourself. If you don't believe me, that's proof enough that you're beyond help. Why can't you be more like other women I enjoy being around? Do you really think it's attractive to be so boring and stupid?... but you really aren't capable of seeing the truth beyond your fairytale world, are you? You really are a mental case. You're lucky I'm so devoted to our marriage vows...or you'd be on the street. Do you think any other man would have you? Do you think you'd have even friends who pretend to be interested, if I put you out of my house? If you don't have the ability to see beyond your own warped truth, at least, appreciate the fact that I let you stay here...at least, for now. You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in the kitchen. What more do you want? That's gratitude for you!!



Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did: Thank you for that interesting post. I think my WH had variations on that theme. He didn't say all that, although the part about the psychiatrist hit home. WH was always telling me I was depressed. I should see someone or take ADs. I was antisocial because we didn't have many friends. How he tried all these years to make me happy, etc etc. Now of course I'm hearing I should be happy with what I have and how there are other divorced women who are happy making a life taking care of their kids. <sigh>

When they go on and on like that, but are more subtle like my WH, it can get to you more. WH used to wrap up the criticism nicely and in such a way, that I believed him. He tells me that I'm an angel, yet he suffered with me all these years because the quality and quantity of our sex life wasn't good.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
fallenangel02
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Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

diditagn: omg..what my WS...about frends...u have no frends..they hate you...they only pretend...even though he as hardly talked to any of my frends..but he says ..HE KNOWS !!! hmm..how do u know?
i just knowwwwwwwwwwwwww everything!!!!


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
lsccbean
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Member # 5444
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you carry a voice recorder with you? In most places you can record a conversation you are a part of.

Because of the laws in my state, I had to notify him if I was recording him...if I wanted to use it legally against him. But, by doing this, it kept him from speaking to me in the degrading intonation that was common from him when he wasn't "happy" with me, his life, his daughter, my daughter, his mother, etc.etc.etc.

NPD's are more frequently "stealth/ambient abusers"

My ex was a stealth/ambient/calculating/manipulative emotional abuser...

WH was always telling me I was depressed. I should see someone or take ADs. I was antisocial because we didn't have many friends. How he tried all these years to make me happy, etc etc

My ex nearly convinced me I had bi-polar disease!! I WAS depressed and miserable having to deal with him. I was anti-social because he would get so jealous of my friends, that I slowly ousted any friends that I had (to make him happy). He would complain that I never wanted to go anywhere with him...I reached a point where I couldn't stand going anywhere with him because of his sickening flirtations with any woman who would pay him any attention...

I wonder if our WH's went to the same school? lol

When they go on and on like that, but are more subtle like my WH, it can get to you more. WH used to wrap up the criticism nicely and in such a way, that I believed him. He tells me that I'm an angel,

"used to wrap up the criticism nicely"...LOL...my ex could do it in such a way that not a bad word directed AT me would come out of his mouth, but when he was finished, I was reeling in confusion and felt like the bottom of his shoe.

One conversation (of the many) that sticks out is when my daughter was trying to cook french fries for the first time by herself (she was nearly 16 years old). She was splattering herself with VERY TINY little pops of grease, so I instructed her (from the living room) to stand away from it, turn the burner down a notch or two and turn her face when she added more frozen fries to the fryer. She whimpered and whined and practically begged me to come do it for her. I told her that I have showed her over and over how to do this and now she needs to try to do it herself. "You want the fries, DD, I don't." He looked over at me and gave me this "look" like I was a piece of garbage and said "Aren't you going to go help her? She is going to burn herself." I tried to explain to him that if I kept doing everything FOR her, she would never learn how to do these things for herself. Boy, did he get pissed...and in his "tone" started explaining to me that she needed me and I wasn't being there for her [insert his finger-pointing, haughty-better-than me non-verbal gestures]. And, all the while DD was "whining" from across the house about not wanting to get burned (MY daughter, unfortunately, took on some of his wonderful personality traits ). He got louder and louder, but wouldn't go in a help her himself....he expected that his manipulation (making me feel guilty) would get me to do what he wanted. For the first time, I didn't let HIM get to me and she finished the fries and ate them.


[This message edited by lsccbean at 1:50 PM, June 7th (Monday)]


A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. ~Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

http://lsccbean.blogspot.com/2011/12/anniversary.html


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Sep 2004
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bean: OMG!! Are they the same man? My WH would do the exact same thing with DS's. He ALWAYS was telling him to get him a glass of water etc and always saying that the kids should get things for the parents. One day, I was running around cleaning up when DS 15 asked for some ice cream (like his father does) and I told him to get it for himself. WH says "he asked nicely, you're his mother you should get it for him!" <sigh>
Other things I remember off hand: "I'm only telling you this so you can improve yourself. Everyone always tries to improve themselves." "You're lucky to have a husband like me who always says nice things to you and hugs you and kisses you" LUCKY ME!!!

The one thing that really bothered me was what he thought was his sense of humor. He teased me (and other people too) in a mean way. It wasn't funny, it was hurtful. When I told him, he said I couldn't take a joke. Then he did stop for a while and then accused me of making him lose his sense of humor! Lately, he has started his "teasing" again, so I've been "teasing" him back and he's not to happy about it. I just tell him you can dish it out, but can't take it. He doesn't know what to say or do, because most people don't stand up to him.

And always telling me that things didn't look good in front of "the people". I kept telling him that the family is more important than the people.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Cogal
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Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any tips on NC?

I went to dinner with NPD and kids tonight, hadn't seen the kids since Friday so I wanted to go. Big mistake. The jackass still texts me a gizzillion times a day and I never respond unless its a simple question like "do you want to go to dinner with kids"
At dinner in front of the kids he brings up once again how he doesn't want this, we were so happy before, he would make me happy once again, etc.
I tried keeping my mouth shut, but finally said "I actually wasn't all that happy, and being happy took a lot of work, and once I stopped working on it you had an affair"
He said I am rewriting history, lamo. If I could just get past his slight mistake I would be happy again. I laughed, man did that piss him off. He said "so this is how you want it to be, want it to be difficult thats your choice. I said "no, its your choice, just like the affair was your choice, I am choosing to move on and be an adult, you have the choice to do so too"
He grabbed the check, threw money on the table and told the kids to get up right then, while he started crying. They had dessert coming so I told him to please excuse himself to the restroom and compose himself. The kids starting asking me again why daddy can't live with me, ugghhh.

because of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its always going to be his way or the highway. His feelings are all that matters, duh.

Sorry, I had been doing so good setting boundries, not engaging, etc. It sucks I can't go to a simple dinner with my kids because of him. I so want to have the happy co-parents for the kids sake, guilt once again eating away at me, even though I know now I can only control me and I am doing the right thing for them and me.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
diditagn
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Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy co-parents for the kids sake

We all do, but it isn't going to happen when they are NPD.

Everything is always someone elses fault, never theirs. It is amazing how they can turn things around in a conversation.

I can remember the constant critisim, that was
wraped up nicely and in such a way, that I believed him.

It has taken me four years to gain most of my self esteem back. It was so subtle and for so long. With him being in the military most of the time we were married, I was away from anything that might help me keep grounded.

It still amazes me today, that he still tries things like this.


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
lsccbean
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Member # 5444
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is always someone elses fault, never theirs. It is amazing how they can turn things around in a conversation.

LMAO!! I got so tired of the emails where no matter what I did or said, it was my fault. I swear, he could probably get away with blaming me for the downfall of our economy! ...AND, make ME believe it, too! The best one I'd ever heard/read was how our daughter was living in a fantasy land and that I was glossing things over....(I wonder WHO I learned ALL that from??) LOL

honesttoafault: they probably went to the same school. Everything you posted is soooo familiar! Especially the "I'm only telling you this so you can improve yourself." I am VERY thin and he made constant comments about being "worried" or "concerned" about my weight And, the only times I would receive a compliment was when his narcissistic supply was running out and wanted a compliment from me OR wanted something in return. He was a keeping score, tit-for-tat kinda guy.

I just recently got married, and my husband accepts me 100%...is VERY sincere and unconditional. He LOVES how thin I am and lifts me up....I still, occasionally mumble something negative about how thin I am, and he will be the first one to correct me saying "no you're not....you're perfect" (rather than agree or reinforce the negative comment).


A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. ~Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

http://lsccbean.blogspot.com/2011/12/anniversary.html


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Sep 2004
Cogal
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Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Opinions please.

I am starting to realize that NPD's behavior is going to the effect the kids. Duh, I am sure you are all saying, lol. But they are so young its hard to remember that it will all mold them as a person.

He is still crying around them all the time, telling them how sad he is, how mommy is doing this to the family, etc. I don't trust him at all, I can definitly see him using them more and more to get to me, which has got to be really bad for them.
I know fighting for more than 50/50 custody will be a long shot here in CO, and he will make my life hell if I do so, it scares me. But do I need to do it?

I work, and only on the days he has parenting time. So instead of being with him they would have to go to daycare or I would have to hire a nanny. I also know he will fight support tooth and nail. He owes me $300 currently and said he won't pay me (for kids tuition and college savings)


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
MaleableReality
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Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I actually wasn't all that happy, and being happy took a lot of work, and once I stopped working on it you had an affair"

OMG. This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I actually told him I wasn't going to consider him anymore in my plans and I wasn't going to sit around waiting for him to join us. This is where we're going...this is what we're doing...we'd love to have you but its up to you if you want to come along."

After that he went out and had the affair. A friend told me that in relationships sometimes you just have to stop rowing the boat and see if the other party picks up the oars and takes over. If not, then they really aren't in the boat with you. Exactly what I did and boy did he leave those oars sitting there!


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
sick_of_the_lies
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Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal, yes, it is hard to imagine it won't affect the kids. I generally believe that as long as the custodial parent is sane, the kids will be okay, but my MC has said you can't have a crazy parent without it affecting you, and I think he's right.

Your STBX's views may change as to custody matters. Did you two go to MC at any point? I was ready to haul my MC to court to say X wasn't fit to have anywhere close to 50/50, but in the end, he asked for less.

As for child support, he can fight it all he wants, but it's not going to fly. I don't know where you are, but there should be guidelines setting out how much he should pay, based on income. That is negotiable, on your part, but if you don't have an agreement, the judge should go with the guidelines.

As for getting the money, does he work? Get a wage withholding order. Get it at the time your divorce decree is signed. You don't have to send it to his employer right away, if you don't want to, but it will mean you don't have to go back to court later to get it done. I know it's not the end all be all solution, and plenty of people have them and still aren't getting all their support, but it will likely get you something.

Since my boy is still not incredibly verbal, I have no clue what X says to him, but I have heard that he is telling everyone he knows that I forced him to have a kid to trap him, when he didn't want one. Which would be laughable (he kept begging me to go off BC, and I put him off for several months), if it wasn't such a horrible thing to say about one's own child. Especially when all he does to me is whine about how the kid is the most important thing in his life, etc.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
lied2
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Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because of the laws in my state, I had to notify him if I was recording him...if I wanted to use it legally against him. But, by doing this, it kept him from speaking to me in the degrading intonation that was common from him when he wasn't "happy" with me, his life, his daughter, my daughter, his mother, etc.etc.etc.

That is a good thing. Either he will say terrible things and you have a recording that you can use or it becomes a shield to protect you from the abuse. WIN/WIN

My ex pretty much alienated all my friends who got to the point where they could not take seeing me get abused by him in many ways. I hated going anywhere with him because he had no issues being rude, ignorant or down right abusive in public and it was to hard to take after a while.

As for custody it would be better to have more than 50% of the custody if you can manage it. If not it may eventually happen that he takes them less and less and then you can get it adjusted accordingly. They usually withdraw from the children as they get older and are not as easily manipulated and the kids act out and call them on their actions.

Definitally go after all the support you can get and make sure it can be enforced if need be. having them be accountable to someone else for the support minimizes the games they play to some degree and that is helpful.

My ex was always pretty subtle with the psychological abuse but also would say horrific things when he would tantrum but I found his tantrums pretty easy to block out (probably from yrs of training ) He always had a long list of things I did poorly and resentments he built up over the years. Listening to him talk about me you would think I never did anything and what I did was totally wrong. He was a master at convincing others of this as well. He did alienate me from my family for a long while which was painful.

My ex was also very cutting when he would try and joke. He thought he was a hoot but he was far from funny.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


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