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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haha, his famous words are "I have the therapists card in my wallet", the thing must be getting moldy by now!

I was just recalling our 2, yes, count'em 2 MC sessions he would go to. The first one was while he was still in the throws of the A that he couldn't imagine ending, poor boy. That one was all about saying I had abandoned him, I was his "rock" and w/o that he had to go find OW. The second one was about 8 months ago, and then he was just plain ANGRY and said he needed his space. That I sat too close to him on the couch, that I tried to touch him, that I was controlling, that I was trying too hard, I wouldn't listen, etc. Real nice things to hear from a man I thought I was in R with.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo: You are so right! You do WANT them to be kind and nice.
I told my neighbor that WH planted roses for me (before dday) so he could give me a rose every day. Many times he'd come in the house with a rose from the bush in his hand with a little boy grin in his hand. It always melted my heart.
My neighbor's response? " You are too easy!!!"

I think she's right. I relished the crumbs, the charm. I was so really good at giving him his NPD supply, that I didn't see rages, but did suffer from withdrawl of his love when he was upset about whatever.

It was always about him. As long as I was a "good" girl, I got the charm. So now that's gone, I go through my own withdrawl like from an evil drug.

The anxiety I'm feeling is my gut reaction of his retaliation if he doesn't get his own way. It was subtle before (no rages per se) but it was there.

Cogal: I know what you mean. They can say such hurtful things. We are so trained to say and think "yes, you are right and I am wrong" and retreat and feel hurt. I'm beginning to see how much control that is, but the moment it is going on, it's soooo hard to do!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he will escalate - the more time it takes you to respond, the more messages you get, right? - but just ignore him.

You hit that on the head...the escalation. My god its insane. I'll work harder on ignoring. Maybe I need a mantra that I can say over and over to myself to get me through it.

There is NOTHING that says you have to talk to him, or for that matter be nice to him.

But how do you manage this without your kids seeing it? How do you maintain a neutral stance with the kids and not let them see the awful relationship? This kills me. I don't want them to see it. Course I also really don't want them to see me rolling over for him either!

I was so really good at giving him his NPD supply, that I didn't see rages, but did suffer from withdrawl of his love when he was upset about whatever.

Even when I knew I was right about something I'd give in because I couldn't stand for him to be angry with me. What the hell??? So now that I'm not giving in and keeping the peace, I get the insane behaviour all the time.

I'm in such despair feeling like this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Like, this will never end.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MaleableReality: I am the same way, I couldn't stand for him to be angry, upset or even disappointed in me! I felt miserable if he was.
Now, unfortunately, I feel scared and anxious when he's mad. I've seen how he's been with other people, and I know what he's capable of.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a vent...
I think i am getting extremely annoyed by my DS4...to the point of disliking...my npd ws is always screaming at me.regarding ds4....feed him this..like this...dont scold him...
Rite now my attitude is like screw u both...do watever...m not saying nething...m so fed up...
Feel like such a bad mom for feeling this way...
Evryday npd ws asks ds4 who does he love most..he says dad always...eventhough i do eveeything for him...its gonna b like father like son..arghhhhh....dont even feel like dealing with ds rite now..after having a big fight over him....
M being a baby i know


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
Kjersti
♀ Member
Member # 23316
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so difficult to live through, but since your DS4 is only four, he's only doing what he's figured out he needs to do to keep his Dad approving of him/ loving him.

He knows you love him, which gives him the emotional space to placate the parent he's NOT sure loves him, or WILL love him if DS doesn't toe the line.

Your DS has obviously figured out the family dynamics, and he's just playing by the "rules" as he understands them.

I know this hurts, but you can't expect any more maturity from a four-year-old than a four-year-old is capable of.

Try to mentally put yourself in your DS's position and see what YOU would do if you had the same family "rules" to follow.

It won't make it hurt any less, but it may make the current situation somehow more possible to bear.

I am sorry, FA.

[This message edited by Kjersti at 3:59 PM, May 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Mar 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even when I knew I was right about something I'd give in because I couldn't stand for him to be angry with me. What the hell??? So now that I'm not giving in and keeping the peace, I get the insane behaviour all the time.

That's just it. The insane behavior will make life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE for you and everyone around you. So even though you know you're right, you give into him and pretty soon you even start to see things his way. That's how the brainwashing starts. Pretty soon you believe they are much more powerful, dangerous, etc than they really are.

It's a freakin' nightmare.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree.
And...all the "acting".
My NPD is so good at playing various "roles".
He should be getting the N Oscar!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fallenangel02 I am sorry your poor little DS is having to endure that kind of crap. I am sure he knows you love him and will always be there for him. You are the safe one and don't need constant reassurances from him and he can be a child with you. In time his father will alienate him with this kind of behaviour.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fallenangel, hang in there. I have a child about the same age and it is HARD - especially when NPD was there with us. At times I thought I had two preschoolers as STBXWH were on the same emotional maturity level. We are since S and it is so much better.

My mom always tells me that DS acts up so much around me because he feels safe with me. This makes sense.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted OW's BS today. I have talked with him before, after d-day #3, just to make sure he was aware the crap was still going on, at that time he was smart enough to have already kicked WS out. He was SUPER nice and always said I could talk to him.
Well, last night I got to thinking (bad things always happen then, lol). It seems like most WS keep the A going much longer than BS thinks. I started thinking, what if I am super dumb. Not only to sit and wait for over a year to file while he treated me like shit every day, making me crazier by the min, but what if the A was still going on. He always left before I got up to go to the gym before work. Well, that was his time with MOW when the A was happening. Not sure why I just took his word for it that it was over after d-day #3. But I did, and now it would somehow take away some of my guilt from filing if I knew they still had contact after that.
So I sent OW's BS a message. he replied back that they are divorced now and have not had contact since last June so he has no answers for me. He was as nice as the last time, but provided me no additional answers.

It sent me into a crying fit just to see his response, brought me right back to those hard initial times. And this Monday I am running a race that was a pivotal point last year. It was d-day #2. I found pictures online from the race of NPD running with OW, for everyone on earth to see. That was a very hard day. Him knowing I was doing the same race, would surely search his name and find them, it really hurt. But I did send them to everyone:) I wanted all our friends and family to SEE he really was truly an ass.

Anyways, seeing OW the last race I did a couple of weekends ago and knowing I have the chance again on Monday, and all the emotions from past d-days, shit. Will it ever end.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am super dumb too.

(((Cogal)))

The reason we're here in the first place, since it, well, has been said;
Hbr 12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us

[This message edited by jjct at 11:27 AM, May 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 6015 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,

I am super super super dumb! STBX told me so many times during the past year that he was done with OW and he wasn't. But, I chose to believe him then without all of the evidence to the contrary that was just screaming to be discovered.

I know better now and try not to be too hard on myself about that. We expect them (NPDWH) to have our back always and sometimes it is easy to believe whatever they tell us (without proof) because we always blindly trusted before. Even though they continuously screw us over, we keep thinking this time will be different.

Good luck in your race - use your sadness/anger as motivation


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree mommyblonde. It's almost like when you are with an addict/alcoholic. They can be so incredibly charming, promising the moon and the stars, and still continue with their destructive behaviour and we still believe that it will be different this one "last" time.

I sometimes feel that I was(maybe still am) "addicted" to his charming behavior, so much so, that I put up with a lot of crap. I would say to myself, "Ok, so he doesn't lift a finger to help me , BUT he's so sweet, and says such wonderful things to me". Totally brainwashed. I don't even trust my gut anymore. He has said and done such outrageous things that I doubt myself that maybe he's right. He twists everything around that I end up agreeing with him.

It's so hard to detach from this, when his behavior has made you alienated from people who could give you a reality check or support you.

Sorry, this has turned into a semi-rant.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you guys are right...another perspective always helps ..when ur brain is half dead....

just wondering...since NPDs are the biggest liars ever...and they do it so confidently...and really convince you to believe that you are a worthless B_tch...by highlight the last several years of mistakes you might have made...a vegetable gone bad..that u ended up throwing out or just left it in the fridge mistakingly...and such things...recalling each and everything...from YEARS before...

do you ever get convinced...and believe God made a bad mistake...and put you on earth...( i know God doesnt make mistakes but just how worthless you feel) and feel like u could just disappear into thin air..cuz you start hating yourself...how could you have make that stupid mistake...? you really believe you can not do anything right...you are just here to ruin lives of other people...? you feel disgusted at your own reflection in the mirror...

cuz he convinced you...with all the lies...one after another...it makes sense...i did make that mistake..therefore i am incapable of doing anythign right?


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am just gonne write away here...

you know alot of times..i argue with God...why did He make me the way He did..only if He made me more smarter...intelligent..

i dont know..
WS has just told me off badly moments ago...i pretended to read a book...and ignore him..but ofcourse..he was screaming..so i couldnt even read..but i just kept a straight face..and held up my tears....after 45 mins. he was done talkign...i came in living room and sat on my laptop...and moments later he follows...and looks at me...i was and am in all tears...then he comes closer..to take better look...to make sure that realy I AM crying...and i hear a sigh of relief...literally...he has done it...he has succeeded...he has accomplished...his words..his taunts...have hit me...in the right place...i am sure he will sleep better now...


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((fallenangel)))

You survived an almost hour-long rant by a bully. That's why these NPD's pick us, because we are strong people.

When you leave him, it might take a while to get used to things being peaceful and quiet, but you will get there, I promise.

And God did not put you on this planet to be abused.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it! I actually walked away. I sent him two texts yesterday, one asking if he was picking up dd from school and after an hour with no response, another saying nevermind, I'll get her, don't mind leaving work early anyway. So, of course, as I'm putting her in the car, he shows up and looks annoyed. I tell him I sent him two texts. He says he never got them. Interesting considering that everyone else I texted today got back to me lickity split. I just said, "well, maybe you should talk to the phone company, there must be a problem" and told him the time of the posts. As I'm getting back into my car he starts saying something else so I walk back to his window and he starts going off on how "we can't do this" and how we have to "talk" and its the kids who will suffer, etc, etc.

I just stood there with a blank stare and said "its raining, why don't we make an appointment if you want to have a conversation" and went back to my car. Knowing full well he won't do that. He just wants to rail against me.

He sent two berating texts later on and I just ignored them.

Let's see if I can keep that up.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good joy, MR. Keep it up. That's exactly how to handle it.

fallenangel02,
I'm so sorry he's such an ass. But as usual par for the course. They are abusive bullies. Is there anywhere you can go when he does this? Instead of sitting there and just taking it? Maybe just get up and walk out next time.

Jerk!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MR, good for you - that is exactly what you need to do.

Fallenangel, you were put on this Earth for a reason - do not EVER let some bully NPD tell you otherwise.

I have been where you are - with my NPDSTBX verbally abusing me for hours on end while I sat there in tears because I could not escape. It was awful - he no longer lives with me and it is so so much better.

Those verbal scars still linger, though. Sometimes, I can still hear him telling me I was fat, a whore, etc. I know that none of those things are true. I tell myself each and every day that he was projecting his feelings of worthlessness upon me.

I now see my STBX grasping for some sort of meaning to fill his empty soul. He is a very sad and pathetic individual once you look past the facade he likes to put up for everyone else.

He has sent me several texts lately where it seems like he is trying to suck me back in by apologizing for the past. This time, I will not be sucked back in. I realize that all of those hard times have been worth it - I am finally truly on the road to healing.

Fallenangel, you will get there too someday. Hang in there.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
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