I am thinking back over my ex's life and he seems to have a way with woman to get them to help him. He seems to somehow act in a way that he can get women to do things for him.
I know even before I was married to him he got me to help him try and take an old GF to court. He would always get me to make phone calls, appointments etc. and often times take care of his responsibilites. I know he has managed to get his wife to do some things for him like call the child protection worker for him and make an appoint with her when he had to meet with her. He has a female friend who has been at both of the court meetings and I suspect helped him fill in the paperwork. (it had alot fewer spelling mistakes and it was done on the computer not by hand)
How do they manage to get women to take the lead in stuff like this? Manipulative I guess. Cunning and charming and knight in distress.
Does this fit for anyone else?
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Oh man that was good. He might be insulted if I put that one as my tagline in my email I guess( in facebook I have blocked him and all his friends just in case).
My X-whacko is the same way. He hooked me with the same crap. The girlfriend before me "abused him" and "cheated on him". OMG, the sob stories went on and on. Then he tosses in a few crocodile tears and Woo-lah!! He's just got himself sympathy. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Back then, I didn't have a clue that anyone could be so diabolical. Never once did I consider that in reality it was HIM who had abused her and that it was HIM who had cheated on her! I just got caught up in the "Oh...the poor thing...how could anyone do that to him....he's so sweet!"
Scuse me while I I can't believe that I was ever so gulible. Ugh!!
The problems continue. It doesn't end with the one thing from the beginning. Next, there is another "psycho" ex-girlfriend who pops up out of the past. He tells us that it's because they are "jealous" because they KNOW that he is happy for the first time in his life.
It's another "hook" but like an idiot, I felt flattered because, after all, it must be ME that is making him so "happy" and this psycho ex must be jealous of me. WOW!
The next thing we know he starts to get into trouble with his job and he asks for letters of recomendation. Of course he's not telling the truth about the real trouble he's in, so by writing the letters we look like an idiot defending the loon.
By now he's fired and we're left thinking, "The poor thing, he's so misunderstood...."
Now he's got us calling out every favor we ever had out there. He gets another job only to be fired again. He lies about why he was fired and plays vicitm again.
See, the problems never end and sooner or later we catch on and get sick of it. We run low on the sympathy, start calling them on their bullshit. Instead of straightening out and getting their shit together and acting like a grown up, they go crying to the first person who will feel sorry for them and pick up the slack.
Then it all starts again. Only the roles change. Now WE are the crazy, psycho, alcoholic, lazy, (fill-in-the-blank-what-ever-works-for-most-sympathy) rotten person that he is portraying to his new "wonderful for now" victim.
He will convince her that we are the most horrible monster types that ever lived and that she must help him fight us. And she does.
We've all seen it here in this thread. All of the OW's who are with our NPDX's are right there beside them fighting for the insanity and the ridiculous. Why? Because they don't know the facts and because they have been LIED TO about the reality of the situation. They are what I call (First name of the NPD)-retarded. They only know what the NPD has told them. They don't have a mind of their own and they feel sorry for the NPD just like we did in the beginning. Lied2, it's just like your XNPDH and his wifetress. She's right there propping him up, trying to justify why he shouldn't pay the STANDARD amound of child support for HIS children! I mean....please!!! She definately has NPD-brain-damage.
We're the lucky ones. We got out and we got away from them.
Think about where they are. It's nowhere I'd want to be.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:50 AM, October 28th (Wednesday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I just hope I can get through the mediation and get this over until the next round. As much as I would love to back down I just can't do that. I waited on filing as long as I could and now I can do the adjustment for 2 yrs. It is a bigger hit for him but he needs to get over it because he would have freaked out either way.
He definitally has a few people bamboozled. As much as I hate the idea that he is abusing her that is her issue. I have to worry about my kids.
He had made a whole pile of calculation and seems to think that he has paid alot more CS in the past than he should have. During that same time I had alot of childcare costs that I could have had him help me pay but I did go there becuase of how difficult it would have been to get his cooperation.
So do I explain this all to him and show him how he really was not paying extra because had we gone back to court he would have just been paying that instead with that money and may have had to pay more?
Is it a way to help him understand this better or do I just leave it alone?
If it were me, I'd just leave it alone. Chances are trying to help him understand anything is going to be like talking to a brick wall.
I can understand how frustrated you must feel that your WS is not suddenly wanting to work things out. At some point things just go to far and you get detached enought that you no longer care to put up with the selfish behaviours.
I have noticed that I am now to that place with my ex. I am having to negotiate some things with him and he seems to think that he can appeal to me and get me to give in for his benefit. He is not giving me anything in return and I can't find any reason to benefit him at my expense.
The only tip I can give you is to consider anything between you a business transaction. Deal with him the same way you would any casual acquaintance. I know in deal with my ex I do try and keep in mind he is the children's father even though he generally doesn't give a crap about them. They love him so I try and keep that in mind. I deal with him on their behalf and fight for them and what they need. It is no longer about him and I but about the kids.
The other thing I also do is try and not answer my ex right away. I try and give myself some time to think about my response to him and if possible answer him with as few words as possible. I also try and use only email to talk to him. It is far mess emotional that way and then there is a written record to refer back to later.
I'm new to this, I'm 4 months pregnant and found out about my boyfriends second affair 9 days ago.
I think he's a narcissist but is hiding it well. He also cheated on me 4 years ago. I ended the relationship and we split for 2 years. We got back together and started trying for a baby (at his request) around the same time he started his PA.
When I quizzed him on why he needed to go out of the relationship he said when our relationship got familiar, he needed to conquer something or someone else. That rang alarm bells for me.
I agreed to MC, but now 9 days after D-day he seems to be getting cocky again. I get a lonely feeling inside, that my emotions are not safe with him.
Can they lie and fool MC too? I've noticed he is using a lot of the phrases I've used to discuss our situation over the past 9 days when describing our situation to the MC.
I also don't like the sense of cockiness I'm getting from him. It almost feels like he's getting impatient with me.
Everything I read about narcissists says run. My gut tells me he's not really learnt a lesson and he's getting away with this. My gut also tells me he's going to get bored with the process of R pretty soon.
PS. Like some of the last posts mentioned, he had the OW counselling him through his relationship with me, and she was apparently giving him suggestions on how to recover it. Hard to know whether to believe that or not.
[This message edited by It_gets_better at 1:07 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]
You are back in a relationship with this person and he is cheating on you and the baby, is this how you want to live your life? The reason I say it that way is that we have not reason to expect someone to change. What I have learned in all this is the only person I can change. My ex won't change. He may play the nicey games when he thinks it will get him somewhere but when he is done with getting what he wants he will treat me like I am dirt on his shoes. That is who he is and he is not going to change for me, for his kids, for his wifetress or any one else. I could not live with the person I could see he was (or had become). Looking back I see now that he got worse, not better, after he left.
I love my own life too much to give up myself to try making him happy. He is a miserable person unless everything is going his way and the world is catering to him. Otherwise watch out because those near him are his punching bag and screaming post. I think God every day I am divorced for allowing me to be free of all that.
You need to put you and the baby first in your life right now. Perhaps he will grow up and make changes but in the meantime work on yourself. Maybe get an IC and work on some things in your life that attract you to someone who can act like he does (value then devalue, having to please them and out yourself second to make him happy, being around someone who doesn't make you feel safe and loved)
Betrayal like this rocks the BS to the core. At the very least you need to take some time to step back and regroup you emotions without worry about him, what he wants and need etc.
I remeber clearly asking my ex 'why should I be with you after you have done all that you have done and lied for so long'. Prove that you are worth my time and love. My ex could not answer the question and didn't really try to see out inner truth for himself. His refusal to work on himself told me more than words ever could.
I so want this all over with. I feel like I am expected to accept less than what I am asking for which is what the law says I should be getting. I can accept less than the minimal amount I am supposed to get. I just don't see anything we have to compromise on.
I was able to talk to the mediator and she has a pretty good idea now what is going on. She apparently talked to the court clerk from the day in court as well. Atleast when we do mediate there will be a minimal amount of game playing. There really is not wiggle room in all this. He certainly won't be able to play victim.
he is using a lot of the phrases I've used
The phrases you use give insight into you.
They are parroted back to you to score points, to avoid self-confrontation and analysis, to divert and manipulate.
They are 'your wisdoms' turned to be used against you.
The age of arrested development varies; is your pet 2? or 13? Whatever it is, it helps to remember that and deal with it accordingly... that is, adjusted to age, it's pretty easy to divert a 2 or 13-year-old's attention (from their intent to use any information they acquire to harm you).
Silence works well at first until you get the hang of it.
Consider what you say before you say it...ugh..yeah...what a splendid 'relationship'! Believe me, there are masters on here (ok ok...'mistresses of the dark') who have learned to turn the manipulative dynamic of the hollow-ones around. Listen to them, and have a good laugh or two besides :))
And yes, they can fool MCs. They regularly do.
The cockiness is predicated on their idea that they've got you fooled too. I think it's wise to let them think that, as it does no good whatsoever to out yourself as knowing the bs they sling, it makes it tougher on you, since they are adept at changing tactics when outed.
Your gut is right, feeling he thinks he has gotten away with this. Reminding myself that they ultimately do not has helped me, letting him think that - can be useful in your plans to protect yourself.
The first advice I got on here was to run. I will say, if your significant other is NPD, it's damn good advice, (being the poster-boy for easier said than done). If you ever had dreams of being a hero, the story you'd tell of thriving after running would make you one :)
I do pray all our friends here do well.
hugs and such best wishes for (((all)))
... and kept the most damning information quiet from my spouse.
You don't tell godzilla where the high tension lines are.
I wanted to update you all on my situation. Assclown and I had court today, and were able to get everything settled (finally!) outside in the hallway of the courthouse. He has signed the papers, and they just need to be submitted to the courts.
My attorney tells me that it will be a few weeks before the decree is issued. I'm rapidly approaching singleness again!
It's a huge relief to have this thing settled. I made many concessions to get it done, but over all, I am happy with the settlement. The biggest issue - the custody of the kids - was left basically the same. I am retaining physical custody with him having a 28% visitation.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders tonight.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I know that this place can be a real trigger on a bad day. That gets much better with time.
just wondering..will he ever feel guilt over this that he never stopped me? will he feel anything???? divorce is hard..u feel lonely ...depressed..its a rollercoster..what the guys..do they feel same..do NPDs feel same...
i feel he will just go online and find a girl to cyber...and he will be happy
i dont want anythign that reminds me of him..i dont want him B-tching about this later..oh u took this n that..