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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
Jade09
♀ Member
Member # 23069
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I agree, when they are too quiet they are up to no good. With my H when he is too quiet or too nice something is up, he is plotting something behind my back.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Angry  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously, the therapy is doomed...

Apparently, what they discuss is how to get him to communicate his needs without resorting to screaming or yelling because he doesn't feel like he is being heard. This is how the conversation last night went (or his soliloquy):

"You know, it was easier to live with Pup. Did I tell you about Pup? I hated Pup. I would beat him up today if I saw him. I saw Ms. Dizzy Bitch (counselor) today. We're discussing how I can communicate things without having to yell or holler because I feel I am not being heard."

Is this woman nuts??? Obviously, his problem is not that he cannot express himself without yelling or screaming. He does it in your office every time he goes there. His problem is that he's a malignant, hateful bastard and you have now given him the excuse he needs to make passive-aggressive threats against me -- so long as he doesn't raise his voice.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS)))) veritas

He sounds like my ex who would calmly call me all kinds of names and in his mind it was ok because he was communicating without screaming.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I'm kind of new to this thread, but not new to the NPD stuff, my XH is sociopathic NPD. I have been dealing with him for ten years, and was wondering, we have been divorced for 4 years, and he is still spending all his time trying to find ways to mess with me.

Do these guys EVER give up?
When do I get to just live my life again? When does he move on?

I read back a few threads, and I so relate to a lot of it, especially when it is too quiet. I was just thinking the other day, he hasn't pulled anything for a while, and this past week, I have been feeling terribly uncomfortable, like a dark cloud hanging over my head (after doing pretty well for quite a while), and couldn't figure it out, and today, I just got socked with 2 more court appearances.

I also feel like my dd's childhood is being sucked from her. She cannot have a normal childhood, because he uses her every chance he gets, for revenge.

Does anything work to make them go away?

ETA: I do have a PO against him. In fact, one of the court appearances was when I had it renewed, he is fighting it, yet again.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:54 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, NaiveAgain, this is my worst nightmare. I pray that my NPD will go away eventually....

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with him after all this time. And I know what you mean about the kids. All they are are pawns in their little game.

(((((Naive)))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Jade09
♀ Member
Member # 23069
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously, the therapy is doomed...

Apparently, what they discuss is how to get him to communicate his needs without resorting to screaming or yelling because he doesn't feel like he is being heard. This is how the conversation last night went (or his soliloquy):

"You know, it was easier to live with Pup. Did I tell you about Pup? I hated Pup. I would beat him up today if I saw him. I saw Ms. Dizzy Bitch (counselor) today. We're discussing how I can communicate things without having to yell or holler because I feel I am not being heard."

Is this woman nuts??? Obviously, his problem is not that he cannot express himself without yelling or screaming. He does it in your office every time he goes there. His problem is that he's a malignant, hateful bastard and you have now given him the excuse he needs to make passive-aggressive threats against me -- so long as he doesn't raise his voice.

Veritas,
After my second D-day I was very lucky that we come across an MC that recognized the NPD in my H shortly after we started therapy and he recommended my H to another therapist that, as he said to me at the time, is more experienced on NPD. Our MC become my IC.

Regardless , in my H case, therapy was simple a waste of money. I always believed that our MC, the first counselor that realized he is NPD, was in fact more experienced on NPD than the one that he recommended for my H but he didnít wanted to have anything to do with my H.

After we started MC, Iíve started becoming resentful after those sessions because our MC focus was more on my H and during those sessions the only one talking was my H while I could not said at damn thing. Every time when I would open my mouth my H would interfere and the counselor would just let him talk and talk. At the time I could not make sense of what was going on but later I understood what the counselor was doing.

My personal believe is, while there are plenty of therapists out there that would claim they have the training and experience to deal with NPD, not too many of them can in fact handle an intelligent narcissist. Reading your post I remember my IC saying to me ď I would not recommend your H to a woman therapistĒ. I was stunned when he said that.
I hope this is not TMI but he was right because years later my H had an A with a woman with a high degree in psychology . While she is not specialized on NPD she is a high qualified professional and therapist and she failed to identify a full blown narcissist when she come across one.

As I found out later, at that time when he was involved with her, my H had another woman , 22 years younger than him, in another state. He was having two As going on at the same time.

Jade

[This message edited by Jade09 at 9:36 PM, April 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to add that while I have seen a lot of narcissists in books, I finally saw in print narcissistic personality disorder in a romance novel. Blue-Eyed Devil by Lisa Kleypas.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Jade09
♀ Member
Member # 23069
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assume the NPD character is the villain.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But of course he was!

I had to write a piece of my son's biography, so I took the liberty of reading what he wrote about his father and me. He is pretty insightful for 16 (a little off, but not a bad job):

My mother is another person with an unclear personality. She seems passive aggressive to her enemies and very caring. She seems like the person who would rather help people than make another enemy, and is untrusting of other people and worries easily. People with personalities like my mother are people who I like to stray away from because they need no mental help and can do on their own. I like my friends to be dependent on me, just as my mother is with her friends. I stray away from people like me because we see into the depth of the otherís psyche, seeing things that they are afraid of. The last thing that I need is another person like me to point out my faults and bring them into the light in front of my eyes. Iím not afraid of that happening. I am afraid of not being able to cope with what that other person tells me.
My father is one who hails from a background in New Orleans. He likes new places and cultures that understand others. My father is more like my little brother than me in the sense that he is easily manipulated, predictable, and easily frustrated. Any fault in some design of anything is considered wrong and frustrates him on sight. Since he is very observant he finds faults in a great deal of things and then becomes frustrated. He places faults in people to be very irritating and faults in himself to be covered and hid until they are forgotten as repressed memories so that he can continue with the notion that he is perfect. This tactic is good if repressed feelings never come out. But if he is traumatized the results could be cataclysmic to his mind.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas)))

Wow...

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I had been wondering why I hadn't heard anything from my SIL lately. We have spent Easter together every year for a long time now. She and her husband do an egg hunt for the kids and it's always so much fun. Well...nothing from her this year. so I sent a message to her on facebook. She came back and pretty much let me have it. That I had let the divorce get out of control with the frivilous police reports, foreclosure on the marital home, keeping STBXPOS from his children, and the things my kids have said about their family.

I see that Mr. NPD has been true to form and skewing everything so I am the bad guy and he is the victim. At first it really hurt me but then I decided that if she just blindly believes all those things about me, then she's not worth my time to try and convince her otherwise.

I posted in the D/S forum about the visit with dad this weekend. The man doesn't have a freaking clue about how to be a dad.

Will someone please wake me up from this nightmare?


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
Siamo Uno
♀ Member
Member # 993
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do I get away from my NPD husband when he controls all the money and I have no job skills?

I feel so trapped, with no way out. I am in therapy to cope with him...

He is the one who should be in therapy!!!


"Thou ought to be nice, even to superstition, in keeping thy promises, and therefore equally cautious in making them."


Posts: 2638 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Ohio
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed,
One sad fact about escaping the clutches of an NPD is that you will most likely have to leave his family too. Even if you had/have a good relationship with his mother/sister/father/brother it is in YOUR best interest if that relationship ends.

If the relationship does continue, your NPD will likely make life so miserable for that person and for you, it won't be worth it. Or worse and MORE LIKELY, your NPD will use that person to get information about you and your life. That person may not even realize it is happening, but with the razor sharp manipulation skills of the NPD, why risk it?

Siamo Uno,
Do you have any money put away in a safe place? (not in your home but some place else safe and in cash) Have you sought an attorney's advice? This is what I would do first. YOu don't need alot of cash set aside. Just maybe one or two thousand dollars or so. Most important, you MUST see an attorney. Most will see you FREE for your first appt. You need to find out what your rights are in your state. Your attorney can tell you the steps you need to take and what you can do legally.

FOR EXAMPLE: You may be able to stay in your home, you may be able to keep 1/2 of the money that is in the bank account. I don't know, but you need to find out.

ONe thing you can do in the mean time, is to MAKE COPIES of EVERYTHING. Find out where the money is. Get account balances on checking accounts, savings accounts, IRA's, pensions, stock portfolio, check balances on credit cards, check the balance on the mortgage and if there is a 2nd mortgage. DOCUMENT this information for your attorney and take this information with you on your first appointment. You need to document your financial situation PRIOR to your NPD finding out what your doing to make sure he doesn't attempt to hide assets.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:49 PM, April 27th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NPD X is being extremely nice. I know his ass is up to something. I'm just not sure what.

We have court next month because he is refusing to sign the decree. He wants the boat that is in my possession. I was awarded everything here at the house and he got everything where he is living. He forgot I had the boat!

Then he says that I have some tools that he has already taken.

He told his attorney that the boat is in storage. I guess the shed could be considered a storage.

I don't know if they ever give up or if they will ever leave us alone but I sure wish that day would hurry up and get here. I just want normal back.

I do know that if they can get any kind of reaction from you then they will keep it up so I try not to let him get to me.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed: sadtoo is on the money when she advises no contact with the NPD family. My mother-in-law was pretending to be my friend, then feeding her son information about everything I said. In the meantime, she encouraged him to be a jackass. Before I found out what she was doing, he would sometimes have these "strange" outbursts where he would just go nuts -- and somewhere in there he would let slip something that said he knew about what I had talked about with his mother. I just thought he was in tune with *me* because it was done so subtly and he would wait a few weeks. But after I found out what she was up to, it was not difficult to connect the dots. He has since then become much less "sensitive" to my thoughts

*it never ceases to amaze me how completely stupid i used to be*

[This message edited by veritas at 3:07 PM, April 27th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vee - you have a very wise son. He has had his eyes opened about people a little sooner than we would of liked but he will see things as they truely are. He has learnt a hard lesson that will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life.

Dazed and Siamo - take sadtoo's advice. I lost all contact with the ex's family apart from the sister in law who married into the family. There was no other way. You can be as civillised as anything but it will always be lost on npd freaks and their ilk.

My freak has been very quiet - like everyone else the alarm bells were ringing. I knew something was up when he paid all of the child maintaience!!

My kids got a wedding invitation yesterday to his wedding to ow. It went along these lines: Dad and OW would like to invite DS and DD to their wedding etc etc.

I don't know if I was expecting something else but seeing the invite just seemed so heartless. An invite to their own father's third wedding!! Am I the only one to think this is repulsive. Kids seem ok so far.
Seeing the invite has unsettled me a little but nothing more. She is welcome to the npd lunatic.

I do wonder if I can ever love again after loving the illusion of a perfect man once upon a time. Perhaps I am just a little too cynical now.??


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with severing ties to the family. It just isn't worth it.

His sister and I talked for awhile. I don't know if she told him things, none of it would have been important. We tried to keep it so that the kids could still see their cousin. He made my life a living hell because I had the nerve to go around her. So I ended pretty much all contact with his family.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cut all contact with his family mostly because i can't stand them and they are as disfunctional as he is. They are the family that created someone like that so the whole family is sick not just the NPD.

I think it is pretty common for the NPD to play the victim and go after assets that are not theirs. They have a huge sense of entitlement. My ex came looking for assets 2 years after the divorce was final insisting the his lawyer told him that the assets were his because he has gotten to claim them on his taxes some 5 years earlier. (he claimed them because they were spousal retirement assets and he could claim them because I was not working at the time. They were SPOUSAL ASSETS at the time and that never changes. ) He stood in my front hall having a total meltdown and all I could say to him is that if he thought a mistake was made then he could go back to court and ask but since he had signed off on the divorce 2 years before it was unlikely that there was a mistake especially since the assets had all along been listed on my asset sheet. I guess he has the $$ already spent because he felt he was entitled to them.

They seem to have only 2 states of being, calm and flippin out. Usually it is just the calm before the storm.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lied2, my XH's family are a bunch of nuts also. I guess if his parents hadn't been so concerned with getting drunk, high and screwing whoever they could, then their kids wouldn't be so fucked up.

I'm not one to normally blame parents for kids ending up screwed up but some of the shit my XH went through as a child, it's no surprise that he has problems.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Siamo Uno
♀ Member
Member # 993
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I signed up for Facebook last night because I have a high school reunion coming up this fall and lots of my high school friends keep in touch via Facebook.

Well guess who I found on there, and using a fake name? My NPD H of course! And I was not able to see his whole profile because I am not on his friends list, but he has one female friend, who is a woman he went to high school with and who works in his building....I don't have a problem with him having a Facebook, but to use a fake name to sign up is fishy, as is the fact that he never told me he had a Facebook account. I told him I was signing up. I am always honest about everything....

Sneaky little bastard!!


"Thou ought to be nice, even to superstition, in keeping thy promises, and therefore equally cautious in making them."


Posts: 2638 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Ohio
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