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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry guys I posted again outside of this forum but I had a good IC meeting with my counselor this Saturday and I am working up towards a confrontation over the SA with the wife.

In my other post today under "just found out" I was too controlling with my ideas, saying that I wanted to smash her webcam and have her uninstall yahoo chat while I was watching.

I DO want to set boundaries to say that if behavior continues I will separate/divorce from her (whatever it takes, I will not remain married to a woman who does that).

So, my thinking is all focused on what happens after I "drop the bomb" and tell her what I know.

1) Fear #1, she just says "OK, fine, let's get divorced." But then I could also see her yelling at me for breaking up our family at the same time. I have to confront this fear and just be ready for her not caring.

2) Fear #2 - I noticed that she has not been chatting so much in the past 3 weeks. Maybe I have been somehow unconsciously letting her know that I have discovered her and she has decided to stop. She might say "I don't have a problem, that's just something I did for fun", and she refuses treatment. I can't force her to do IC, and I don't believe she will really stop without IC, which leads back to option 1.

I also to a certain extent am worried about the unknown, like if she flips out and becomes suicidal or something.

All things considered, I still feel like I am moving in the right direction in terms of a) confronting and b) confronting with a trained counselor present. I can't tell you how many liveperson.com LPC counselors told me "oh just try to improve the marriage and she will stop on her own when she can see all of the great things she gets from being married to you".


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoping2heal, I’ve read your posts now … absolutely confront him. Yes, it will be hard for him at first, and yes he will have trouble processing his emotions and may lash out at you (that’s where I am now, I’m new at this too!), but it will be better in the end. My husband started out “just” having a problem with porn. Then he “just” created an account at AFF, “just” out of curiousity. Then he had an LTA. Then we were in false R. While he was using prostitutes. It doesn't go away.

Confrontation may help, or it may not, but it won’t make it worse. He needs to decide to heal for himself. I'm hopeful that my SAH is at that point, but I really don't know anything for sure.

SAH’s SAA meetings are NOT “full of weak people with sexual problems that apparently have no problem with casual encounters(read: opportunities galore)” Not at all. It’s all men, and they are all very “together” men, they are articulate and introspective and calm and my SAH looks up to them, he sees them as an inspiration.

As to getting to the real truth, well… I’m not there yet either.


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to 7yearsbetrayed for replying to me in the just found out thread. Something that she said is throwing me a little

"No, she won't. This is where the counselor should make his money.
Also, it's fine if you want to set the only consequence as being that you will divorce her. You certainly can do that... but will you? Really? Right now you figure that you're going to control this situation and that she is going to be so scared of you leaving that she will stop the behavior and you won't actually have to leave. Be honest with yourself. Have you actually considered that she may not stop and that if you threaten to leave you'll actually have to do it?

I really think you're struggling with codependence and an overwhelming desire to CONTROL this situation and her behavior. In addition to this session where you will confront her, you need a lot of IC to work on your codependency and control issues."

I feel a little put out because I know codependency=bad. I will certainly go read the webpage suggested to me about setting healthy boundaries. I will try to reformulate what I want to do based on that.

But, give me a friggin break, what is a healthy response to this whole situation (given that I have to reword what I want). Call me codependent if you want, but you guys have to understand something. We have 4 kids!!!! Even though my wife was doing the cybercheating stuff outside of my knowledge where the kids were asleep (looks like), we have an incredibly complicated and taxing operation we run on a daily basis!

I'm not sure what is meant by someone calling me codependent. I have not had sex with this woman for TWO YEARS. I have adjusted to that. She converses me on a daily basis about stuff related to the kids. I want to keep our marriage together because I want our family to be healthy and united. I want a good future for my kids. I have a lot of frustration where things have not improved, certainly, but I don't sit around anymore sad that she does not have affection for me anymore. I am so busy on my job I can barely think straight a lot of the time! I don't think I'm as emotionally dependent on my wife as much to say that our lives are intertwined, for very good reasons.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel a little put out because I know codependency=bad.

That's what I used to think, too. Boy was I PISSED OFF when I read that I was a "co-addict" and "co-dependent." I thought: I'm not even dependent enough on my own to qualify, I have to be "CO-dependent"??? But it's just a sucky label. It's not a "bad" thing, it just is. I highly recommend Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More. I'm reading it right now, it's so reassuring. A "codependent" is someone who responded in a normal way to an abnormal situation - it's just what anyone would do if your spouse is a SA. You try to feel a sense of control. You try to show your spouse the way to recover. You try to help. You doubt yourself. You feel unloveable. Well, there are lots of aspects, those just happen to be some of mine.

Sounds like you DON'T want to get divorced. And that's okay. YOU need to realize that it's okay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your wife and wanting to stay with her. Lots of us are in your shoes. But, what 7rs is saying is, don't threaten something that you won't follow through on, it will show your wife that she can keep walking all over you w/o consequences. Be SURE of what you will follow through on Just as you would with your kids.

I'm just a newbie like you.


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point, real chemical/neurological changes occur, and the addiction takes on a physical dimension.

I’ve been looking for confirmation of this somewhere. Neither my IC nor his two therapists can confirm it.

There are several sources that state there is a physical, neurochemical addiction at work here.

Excerpt from the book "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark R. Laaser

~~ The first step is stopping sexual behaviors. This includes the three building-block behaviors - fantasy, masturbation, use of pornography - and any other behaviors addicts may have engaged in. Just as alcoholics need to stop drinking before they can be treated, sex addicts need to stop acting out before they can embark on the healing journey. {one tool to help an addict stop sexual behaviors is an abstinence contract}

Abstinence Contract:
It is vitally important for sex addicts to stop all sexual behaviors for at least 90 days. They should agree to an abstinence or celibacy contract, which states they will not be sexual with themselves (through masturbation) or anyone else, including a spouse. This contract achieves two basic purposes - one physiological and one intellectual. First, prolonged lack of sexual activity reverses the level of neuro-chemical tolerance addicts have built into their brains. Addicts may experience symptoms of detoxification not unlike an alcoholic, though not as severe. Most people really struggle with this contract somewhere between the seventh to fourteenth day depending on their past levels of sexual activity. {Note: I and my rSA, both have seen other literature and from experience know that the withdrawal can be difficult for up to 6 to 8 weeks! Though we agree it can START at 7 to 14 days.} After that, abstinence gets easier over time. Second, abstinence reverses the sex addict's core belief that "Sex is my most important need." Instead, the sex addict discovers, "Sex is NOT my most important need." This is why 90 days (though somewhat arbitrary) is symbolically important.~~

I also found this, an excerpt from "Before the Fall" by Nils Friberg and Mark R. Laaser:
~~We have found the work of Milkman and Sunderwirth to be particularly helpful in understanding the relationship of a person's brain chemistry to mental health and addictive disease. In a recent article they have explored the direct relationship of neurochemistry to sexual addiction. They contend that sexual fantasy and/or activity creates neurochemical reactions in the reward centers of the brain that are identical to those created by cocaine. The tolerance that the brain builds to these neurochemical changes is also similar. The tolerance factor leads addicts to needing more and more of the same activity or to new and more "exciting" activity to achieve the same effect. This phenomenon lends credence to a sex addict's feeling that his or her addiction is no different than a drug addiction.~~

Here's a link to the study:
http://www.springerlink.com/content/t8q2gp17q1250663/


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs: thank you! You, and birdwatch, and everyone else here, you all RULE!


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that I want to get divorced from my wife, I don't. But I untimately can't remain married to her if she persists in doing this even after confronted, because I am unwilling to have this around my kids, even in secret. Maybe I am holding them up as too much of a symbol or something, for something I should just be asserting for myself, but honestly I feel cut off enough from her affection most days that they are in some sense "what I have left".

In fact, actual separation/divorce will be very tricky because of our financial situation. Check this out - it would likely mean that I am the one who has to move out!!! My parents, although they don't know about the cybersex, have already told me (because of other marriage issues) that if we separate I can move in with them. In that case the family life for my kids would likely go downhill right quick! My wife has a lot of trouble managing things as they are. We are nowhere near Andrea Yates territory, but my wife can express lots of exasperation sometimes.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do not have to make any decisions right now. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space, give yourself time to grieve the last bits of your marriage, give your head time to stop spinning.

I haven't made any boundaries yet, because I have no frickin' idea what consequences I'll follow through on, so I'm just not doing that right now. I'm healing, I'm learning, I'm trying really hard to detach. I'm HOPING that I can stay married, but who knows?


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't there some hope that a confronted spouse will realize the difference between what they are doing and the image they want for themselves? My wife presents herself as a fine Christian woman. Doesn't my telling her that I know about the other life at least change something? Isn't this better than having it stay in the shadows, until, say, my computer-savvy 11 year old finds out before me???


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred, check out this link on SA and the brain:
http://www.thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/

I am still trying to wrap my brain around co-dependency, and I believe it can be a double-edged sword. In one sense, we partners of SAs have to figure out how much, if at all, we are enabling their behavior; and swinging to the other extreme, taking on too much of the reasons or complicity for the SA behavior... that is not our own. So far, most of what I have seen on co-dependency is bull sh*t. What I do accept is this: there are many "ranges" of co-dependency, and the label is not a one-size-fits-all.

As to this:

Isn't there some hope that a confronted spouse will realize the difference between what they are doing and the image they want for themselves?

If your wife is diagnosed with SA, it means she's an addict. And addicts are not thinking straight when under the influence. Ever try talking an extremely drunk guy out of jumping in his car and heading home? Tell him the consequences, and he's just not going to get it. Your wife may not be thinking rationally, or at the very least, as rationally as you.



Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred, no one here is telling you to leave unless you want to. You can only do what you are ready for. To repeat what Foray was saying, don't threaten something you are not willing to see thru, it is like when you tell a child that if they don't eat supper --no dessert, but then you give them dessert anyway. Next night, do you think they will eat supper?

You do not have to set a consequence of leaving, if she doesn't get help or stop her behavior. You set boundaries that are right for you. Everyone has different boundaries. In the beginning, I couldn't possibly think of life without my H. I was willing to do anything to stay. I hated his behavior, and tried every controlling behavior in the book to try to get him to quit, and guess what. He is an addict. He is better than me at manipulating and hiding and lying.

I went to COSA, because I did realize I was codependent ( a word I also hated at first, but then I realized, yes, I was, and I embraced that word, and started telling everyone that I was a codependent, including my SAh.) Codependent to me means putting up with someone else's bad behavior, that makes you feel bad, and helping them hide it, or sweeping it under the rug along with them and pretending it doesn't exist, or enabling them somehow to keep up their addiction, like bailing them out of their messes, or letting them know that their addiction does not have any real significant consequences.

I was sick along with my H. I kept trying to figure out how to "fix" him. My major goal. Because, I was codependent, and a fixer. I fix everyone else's problems, and mine get swept under the rug, because I concentrate too much on everyone else's problems, and not on myself. That, I believe, is codependent behavior. (I know one of the more experienced members will correct me if I am wrong , in their blunt, not subtle ways--love you guys!)

The advice you are getting here is dead-on, even if you are not ready to hear it, and I understand that, because I wasn't either. What you will get here, is just the truth. No one will tell you what you want to hear, and sugar coat it, because you really can't do that with this disease. It does not allow for subtleties. Our addict spouses will take the subtleties and manipulate the heck out of them, so I am learning that I have to be blunt, not mean, but be totally real, and not give any room for misunderstandings or manipulations. My addict only hears what he wants to hear, anyway. And if he doesn't hear what he wants, sometimes he will change the actual facts to be what he wants.

My first consequence for my SAh that I could actually follow thru with, was telling him unless he got help, I would not behave like a wife anymore, not sleep with him, not do his laundry etc. Not to punish him, but because I did not feel like his wife, when he was chasing sex with other women.

It took me 7 months, but I finally realized that I don't like the way he treats me and behaves while he is in his addiction, and there is NO trust whatsoever here. To me, that is not a marriage. I am working on leaving, and disconnected myself emotionally and starting to find myself again, and I am starting to feel healthier than I have in a long time.

You have to take your own road, and progress at your own pace, but the hints and advice you get here from the more experienced members are dead-on, and just the plain old truth.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred

My SA WH has been into porn since a very young age. He had an affair 3 1/2 yrs ago. He's been in therapy for over 2 1/2 yrs. SA's who are not in true recovery will continue their addiction. It doesn't matter what you threaten to do. They have to want to recover.

WH was looking at soft porn last Nov. and I just had a feeling and went over to the business after he left. His history was deleting so I stopped it and found what he was doing. He was trying to not be caught. He did this in between his CSAT appointment and his SA mtg.

It doesn't matter if you try to shame them either. WH just had his first feelings of shame last week. FIRST one. He never felt shame for what he was doing, he felt entitled to it and no one was going to tell him what to do.

Everybody here will try to help you not harm you. We've all been thru this and 7yrs really knows what she's talking about. She woke me up last fall about being manipulated by WH.

Sex addicts do not stop just because we get hurt, mad or threaten to leave.

Please read Mending a Shattered Heart it will help you understand the addiction and help you with the struggles.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness a lot can happen when you are gone for a few days!

I awoke this morning to nothing...no text...no email...no voice mail.

rSA is out of town - attending a black tie event in NYC last night. I spoke to him a few times throughout the evening. I sent him a text message when I went to sleep.

My phone was beeping all morning indicating messages - I thought it was him as he had an early call.

Nope. Nothing. NOTHING from him.

I sent a text 'you up?' His response 'I've been up since four.'

My first thought is "what did I do?" Is that not a co response or what????

Sent another text 'You okay?'

His response 'I'll call in a while.'

I need to let this go - it is HIS. NOT MINE. I don't need to let this effect MY day. Could be nothing, but then again, it sure mimics past behavior and I am triggering….


[This message edited by OurLifeBack at 9:40 AM, March 31st (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well. I was right.

"I stayed out too late, drank too much, then when I got back to the room, I turned on the TV."

This is NOT mine.

Then why do I feel so bad?

I'm not angry - just sad. Very sad.

He tried to minimize it by saying 'This is only the second...'

I cut him off and told him I would not listen to that.

Did tell him that this was happening when he went out of town - and he travels a lot so that was going to be a problem for both of us.

How am I suppose to respond? I don't know what MY boundaries are here....I was hoping he would set his circle stuff with the CSAT therapist....that hasn't happened yet.

I am going to try very hard to NOT let this rule my day.

It's hard when you're crying...


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I confronted him. I sat him down this morning and told him I could no longer do this. He didn't ask for an explaination, just said, "I know". No anger, no remorse, no trying to talk his way out of it. Just resignation.

I told him I'd made it perfectly clear that if I caught him looking at porn again I'd divorce him. He said, "I know". So I asked him why he did it. He said every couple of months he just needs an escape. I asked why he would CHOOSE that escape when it would mean he'd lose everything. He said he didn't know and that I need to do what I need to do.

Then I made the dumb mistake about telling him I can't fix him, I can't fix the marriage and that I can never be enough to fix things myself. I tried explaining how this all has made me completely codependent and that my every action/word revolves around how HE might feel. True, but dumb, dumb, dumb. He just turned it around on me. Look how much I give you, I'm home every night, I work hard so you can live a great life, blah, blah, blah. I acknowledged all the good he does, but that does not make up for the fact that he is willing to lose EVERYTHING (and lie about it) for a two minute escape.

I was TRYING to get him to see (or admit) that he has a problem (without trying to lead him there and "control" things). No dice. He either really does NOT see that there is a problem, or that problem is SOOOOOO huge to him that he can't even face it even at the risk of losing everything.

He just seemed RESIGNED that this is what I need to do.

Guess I have no choice but to call an attorney (and an IC for myself).

I'm still hoping SOMETHING will scare him enough to realize he needs help, but I realize that is beyond my control and I just need to do what's best for myself and my kids now.


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((H2H)))

The 'resigned' thing I have received a lot - mainly because I don't think rSH thought I would actually DO anything.

The last big confrontation we had, I just told him I wasn't SURE what my course of action was regarding his behavior and choices, but I knew I was going to get some help - go to meetings, see a therapist - and I would do what I needed to do for ME to get better. Whatever that was. No emotion.

I did this for a while and actually planned to stay at our Florida home and not return to Chicago with him (I did not tell his this)but he started taking some positive steps to get his act together (enrolled us in a couples class for SA, started going to meetings), so I returned with him.

I have stopped threatening and quit being emotional about my choices. Of course, if you read my recent posts, you'll see I am not so sure what MY choices are all the time!

I do think it is a good idea for you to see an attorney and find out your options. Do what YOU need to do for YOU. You can't control him. It is sad. He doesn't get it.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB - ((((hugs and hugs)))
I'm so sorry.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoping2heal - I'm sorry for what you are going thru also --this is the most maddening, frustrating thing to deal with, and if I was the type to pull out my hair in frustration, I would be completely bald.

You have this wonderful, amazing person, that would be quite a "catch", but they have this one problem, that usually they don't even want to acknowledge, but is totally devestating to everyone that knows them intimately. It seems like such a waste of a good person.

And as many times as 7yrs and the others have explained it to me, I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that they just won't get the help they need to live a good life and climb out of their pits of insecurity and despair. I always want to say to him, "I think you like being miserable and unhappy," because that is the way it seems.

It is so hard for me to understand the fear that accompanies getting help. It is just not in my mindset anywhere, and I guess that is where the frustration comes in.

It is so hard to give up on someone you love so much, and who is otherwise a wonderful person. It would be so much easier if they were just truly evil, or you knew they were doing these things on purpose to hurt you, but we know they are not, that for some unfathomable reason, they cannot help it or themselves, and I know they have to hit bottom but please realize they do not have to take us along.

Me, personally, I think it is totally unfair that in order for mine to hit rock bottom, I have to leave him. (And honestly, that may not even do it, I have a feeling he has a ways to go after he loses his family, and will probably end up with a disease or two or maybe worse)

But if he does hit bottom, and starts working hard to get out and get the help he needs, he will make someone a wonderful husband in a few years or so. By then, though, I will be long gone. Not fair, that I have to be part of the catalyst, but don't get to reap the rewards later. But, I guess, at least I do not have to let him drag me down further.

Hang in there, I really wish I had some great words of encouragement for you!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear hoping2heal,

Be gentle with yourself. You have NOT been dumb. You are a human being who is in shock. You are trying the best you know how to survive. There is NO perfect script.

I wonder if your husband is willing to attend a few couple's counselling sessions, so you can both discuss the situation openly. Preferrably, the counsellor will be an CSAT, or at least someone with experience in SA or addiction in general.

Don't mistake these initial sessions for your husband's therapy. If your husband is willing to recover, he needs intensive counselling and/or group therapy on his own for many years.

By all means consult a lawyer concerning your legal options. Do set boundaries and consequences for breach in the meantime.

Traditional wisdom is that no life-altering decisions be made in the first year. This one year period is necessary for YOU to explore your feelings, to heal, to crystalize your boundaries, to learn more about yourself, and to regain mental stability so that whatever decision you eventually make, it will be made in a healthier and more informed frame of mind.

This one year "no big decision" period also forces us to slow down. Buried feelings (or feelings hidden away by busy-ness) will re-surface. Unresolved feelings WILL affect you as a person, whether you stay with him or leave him.

The one year period is NOT for your husband's benefit, it is for YOURS. Do not be shy to tell him honestly that you are in shock, you do not know yourself what action you will take at this time, and you need more time to decide what is best. Frankly, he OWES you all the time YOU need to make a decision that is best for you.

Most importantly, seek counselling for yourself. Take time for you.

Hugs to you,
birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Ourlifeback,

I feel terribly that you are suffering and struggling.

It sounds like you are knowledgeable about SA, you are receiving IC, and you know what is or what is not healthy for you.

Echoing my advice to hoping2heal, be gentle with yourself. Will it help if you write in a journey? Can you plan activities everyday? I do not mean sky diving (unless that is what you want), but how about going to the local library to borrow a book? Or have a manicure? Go to the cinema? Call up your local volunteer bureau and sign up to volunteer at a food bank or Cancer Society for an hour every week? Meet up with a friend for dinner? Walk or jog around the neighbourhood? Knit? Cook?

I will be thinking of you. Hang in there. You can do it. You have been very strong.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
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