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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She called me a pervert! LOL.

I see she has been reading the SA handbook. Mine tried something similar with me-he called me a sex addict. LOL I'm thinking there is some projection there.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:54 AM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred - I am so sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive much support.

Do all you can to educate yourself of SA prior to your counseling session on Saturday. 7years has posted some fabulous reference material.

Be prepared for denial and turning the table on YOU. Very typical behavior. She will accuse you of snooping...and much worse. You remain calm and factual.

Have a plan for afterwards - are you driving over together? Make SURE you have the keys so you won't get left!

What are your boundaries? What do you want her to stop doing? You will need to be specific. No gray area.

Others will come along with much better advice - just wanted to give you some things to start thinking about...


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - and on the pervert stuff, it has been my experience that the SA over reacts to stuff like porn and other edgy sexual behavior...kind of 'I think thou protest too much' sort of thing...


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - and on the pervert stuff, it has been my experience that the SA over reacts to stuff like porn and other edgy sexual behavior...kind of 'I think thou protest too much' sort of thing...

I'm glad you said that. I didn't think of it like that.

My partner claims I am an exhibitionist for several reasons, I had a wardrobe malfunction and I used to like showing him my body. According to him, wanting to be sexy for him= me being a sex addict. Okaaaay!!!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred,
I have PMed you.
birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred,

I see that you have discovered clues that your wife has been unfaithful and that she may be a SA, but you are still gathering evidence and have not confronted her yet.

I remember distinctly the day when I came across my husband's credit card bill and saw a hotel charge. For two days thereafter, I kept the discovery to myself and searched everywhere and everything, other credit card bills, notebooks, loose letters, emails and personal sites, for further evidence. I had never felt more alone. I could not confide in anyone. With every piece of new evidence (and there was AMPLE), I felt more stunned, angry, betrayed and abandoned. Now looking back, even the eventual confrontation was not as heart wrenching as the few days when I was playing detective. This is where I think you are at.

You are not a stranger to me. None of the men and women in this Thread is. I know how each of you feel intimately. If there is any way I can take away your hurt, I really will.

Gather as much hard evidence as possible (e.g. print out hardcopies of email exchanges, etc.). Take the children to a family member to stay for a weekend, then confront your wife without the children's presence. See a doctor immediately for STD tests and other medication for insomnia, anxiety and/or depression. Set up an IC appointment quickly. Set up a routine for basic survival (e.g. eat something, however small, at 9 am, 1 pm and 6 pm every day).

Pleaes know that you have done nothing to cause your wife's SA. Nothing justifies cheating and lying. The fact that your wife blames you, distances herself from you, and becomes critical of you are all symptoms of SA. And it has nothing to do with your looks. In their cycle of addiction (shame and guilt --> acting out --> shame and guilt --> acting out, etc.), SA's would escalate their "fixes" from porn, to cybersex, to phone sex, to dating sites, etc. It could have been a horse on the other end. It's not about sex; it's about addiction.

Last but not least, post often. We have all gone through this ordeal that you are confronting. Let us know how it turns out.

Goodness, I really truly am sorry.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Ethelred))))

I am pleased to see you joined our forum. I am sure you will get the help and support you need here.

BTW- my husband told me I was "deranged" so don't feel bad about the pervert comment.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had never felt more alone.

Ethelred, we are here! You are not alone!


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Target  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, just knowing there are other people going through something similar or related makes me feel less abnormal. For years I would read marriage self-help books and I could not apply the fixes/dialogues/ exercises to my relationship with my wife. I was puzzled why different things were not working "as advertised".

I think I can get too cereberal about things, I mean, sometimes a bad relationship is just a bad relationship.

However, thinking about things sometimes helps me. Do you guys know those nesting wooden "doll-inside-a-dol" called matryoshka from Russia? I think of my situation like this:

Biggest doll (Outer Doll Number 1): Our family life and kids. We are having family trouble indirectly because my wife and I have a troubled relationship. This indirectly causes stress and fighting with the kids.

Next Inner Doll #2): (This is a surprise, but just go with me on this). Our sex life. We have none. This is an outer layer of my relationship with my wife and radiates tension upward to the family. We are not having sex because we have a bad marital relationship, which turned out to be marriage 101 for me.

Next Inner Doll #3: Our Marital Relationship. We have a disfunctional marriage relationship. 95% of the books I have read in the last year are related to this but they have not been working.

Next Inner Doll #4: The Infidelity. This involves my wife's emotional affairs and whatever else has happened that I am not aware of. I have had a difficult time finding resources on this and only most recently found this site, which leads to:

Next Inner Doll #5: Sexual Addiction. The more I dig into my wife's chat logs the more out of control it looks. Based on what little I have read so far this really needs counseling and is not something where someone can just "promise to not do it again".

Next Inner Doll #6: Me, My Inner Core. This last doll is a paradox but please listen to me on this. My inner core involves my self confidence and ability to make the changes I need to make in my life. This is a recognition that I can only control myself. Focusing on my inner core will enable me to have the strength to confront first the Sexual Addiction, then the Indidelity, then work on the marriage if my wife is willing. Even if the other dolls go away I will still have this one and I will reinforce my connections to my children separately without my wife.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The stuff birdwatch said about searching for evidence really hit a cord with me! I will never forget the first time I found something and the hours I spent searching and finding (as we all do) more and more evidence... Then getting the courage to confront him. God that was awful. You do feel so alone.

Then months later going through the same again and then again and again and each time does not feel any less of a shock or painful.

The sad thing is that every time he is so sorry and will do anything to stop and everytime we go through hell and everytime I truly believe him and so far every time he has done it again... When do you stop believing in someone you love?

He has told me this time that he knows I believe in him and that makes him worse because he knows how easy it is to decieve me... Where do you go from there?


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred - great analogy! I am very impressed with your progress. It has taken me almost three YEARS to get where you are today with only a few months under your belt.

Most of us have spent so much time trying to control the SA - and I think they would really like us to have the ability to do that, but we can't! We can only control ourselves. And that is hard enough!

Katty - you don't stop believing in them or stop loving them - but you do have to accept that they have an illness over which they have not control.

My boundary is that he, my rSH, be in recovery and be active in a program. If he is working his program, and I am working mine, I can stay in our relationship with all the entails. I have had to draw the line in the sand several times as I was and am not good at enforcing this boundary. There is a fine line between this being a requirement for me to be in the relationship and trying to control him...you know? Progress has been slow, but he is now going to a meeting (but only once a week where I go three times and I think he should go EVERY DAY! ), we are attending RCA together and we have started with a C-SAT therapist - going for the second time tomorrow where we are to put together a treatment plan for him, me and us.

It is a process - a long one, but a journey I am finding fulfilling despite the pain and the struggles.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad thing is that every time he is so sorry and will do anything to stop and everytime we go through hell and everytime I truly believe him and so far every time he has done it again... When do you stop believing in someone you love?

((((Katty))))

After being lied to for months on end, I have problems believing anything he says. He's told me he would stop going to some sites, which normally means he'll stop for a day or two. The sad part is sometimes he could be telling the truth. I wouldnt believe him b/c the trust is not there anymore. Neither one of us likes that, but that's a consequence of his lies.

It doesn't help that he thinks everything is ok as long as we have sex even though I fester on the inside. And he'll try to use I love you's to distract and deceive me.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred,

So much of what you say resonates with me. I too read so many damn books -- help your marriage, help your sex life, raise great kids... It took the sex addiction disclosure for me to finally understand that I didn't stand a chance! How can you fix something based on "average" rules when your situation is anything BUT average.
I remember being relieved when my husband finally admitted sex addiction because it meant that I wasn't completely crazy. And once I could label the problem, I believed I could help fix it (problem number one). It has taken a bit longer to understand that the SA is HIS problem to wrestle. MY problem remains focusing on myself, taking care of myself (the "core" you refer to in your analogy) and gathering strength from the knowledge that I will be okay no matter what those around me do.
You are NOT alone. I'm so often heartened by the knowledge that a group of strangers -- who know my life more intimately than my closest friends -- support me and offer up comfort and compassion.

Katty,
For me, it wasn't discoveries but disclosure. Talk about a shocker!!! Not only was I not dealing with just an office affair, I was dealing with an entire relationship's worth of lies -- not to mention trying to wrap my mind around my husband's admission of sex with men, years of online porn (I just thought he was a really hard worker -- always on his computer ). Honestly -- what the hell prepares you for THAT little confession...

OurLifeBack,
Sometimes we can only see progress further down the road. Hang in there!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred - DANG!
I am so totally blown away by your nesting doll analogy! Truly, that is some profound stuff and I think it sounds like your head is in the right place.

I look forward to hearing more from you on this forum.

Thanks.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC sessions always leave me reeling. She is getting at the core; Inner Doll #6 as Ethelred so aptly describes it.

IC is convinced I do not love my SAh any longer; that I have not loved him for a very long time. Oh, I love him as a friend, as the place where I feel comfortable. I tried to argue with her on this, but you know, she is probably right. This leaves me disturbed and somewhat frightened.

She has asked me to journal on various points of our marriage. She wants me to look hard at why I have tolerated sexual anorexia for so many years. The answers are in there; just bubbling under the surface. I know this because the tears are forming in my eyes when I consider this. It says so much about ME that I have tolerated this, and I guess I don't want to know the answer. But I have to. I'm not stopping the process. I am finding myself and running away now would cause me to become invisible. I would simply cease to exist and just go through the motions.

At this point I have no energy left to set boundaries. When I find the person at the core, I guess I will have more power to do so. Besides I have articulated those boundaries enough that he knows what they are.

I think once I find that core, I will probably have to leave. That is what is so frightening. I have lived this so-called marriage for almost 34 years. I know nothing else. But I do know I can't go on like this. It's literally making me ill. I am off work at the moment with a number of conditions and I know exactly the origin.

Thanks for letting me vent.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward,

Keep on digging, as painful as it is. I suspect you're right in that you're getting closer. But somewhere in there is YOU -- the capital YOU, that knows who she is and what she wants and how to get it. I hope you find her soon.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, esp. fellow Canadians:

I have found the following resources and wish to share:

This link lists all the CSAT in all provinces in Canada:

http://www.canadadrugrehab.ca/Sex-Addiction-Treatment.html

Bellwood is a reputable facility in Toronto, Canada that assists addicts and families of addicts. The following is an article on the website on SA:

http://www.bellwood.ca/PDF/Sexual%20Addiction.pdf

The following link contains a list of recommended books:

http://www.bellwood.ca/Research_11/11_html/Research_home.htm

Finally, I heard the following tag line on addiction on TV:

"Addiction is not a moral failing but a treatable illness".

Some things to ponder about.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:00 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Addiction is not a moral failing but a treatable illness".

Exactly!

I'm so glad you found resources in Canada. I know it's been very difficult for Canadians I've met on SI to find help.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!

I'm so very behind. I haven't been coming here very much lately. I've been really busy. While my SAH was away on business, I was just busy trying to keep the house afloat and getting ready for my daughter's 4th birthday.

So I told you that my SAH's IC moved away. Now my IC is moving this w/e.

I feel abandoned and all alone. He will still email with me and call me so that I'm not dealing with things alone, but I still feel like the walls are caving in on me. I just feel like we are left to try to put the pieces back all by ourselves. I still don't know what to do about my SAH's counseling. I don't know who we can go to. I don't think his last one was doing him as much good as he could have.

I know this is really bad but I have no idea how much (or in reality how little) my SAH has. I'm afraid to ask. I don't want to know the answer, I'm sure. I know he's not doing anything at home but he can at work and that really bothers me.

I hate this because I know that without sobriety and recovery, there will not be any marriage. It doesn't matter if I love him or I'm afraid, I will have to save myself.

And I am afraid right now. This whole mess has made me such a broken person that I wasn't before. I have anxiety attacks, I'm fearful and afraid of lots of things, I've become a hermit, I'm very easily down and depressed.

Anyway, I am just not in a good place and reading on here hasn't been helping me feel better so I think I will just stick to this thread for awhile.

Is anyone else's SA not an anorexic? My SAH will and always has been willing to have sex with me.

I have a lot of reading to catch up with so I guess I'll get to that now!


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope4tomorrow
Do you live in a remote rural area? Is that why it's so hard to find a CSAT?

I'm sorry both your ICs have moved. Talk about abandonment. I would freak out if my IC moved and left me.

As for how much he's acting out, you just have to observe his behavior, his attitude, his mood. I can tell if my rSA is struggling, not acting out because he hasn't, but I can see when he's struggling and I can see when he's working his program and making calls and doing better. Of course this is assuming he's been sober and you know what to look for in terms of behavior change.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
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