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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katty said

Yes it was exactly that - all men look at porn was her view and I should not let the fact that he was get me so upset! Being British I sort of went along with this attitude at the time (isnt that what men are like? As long as he keeps it quiet etc etc) then when I got outside it sort of hit me that she was talking c**p...
bought him a couple of books last time which he read and said he could relate to - even took them to our first session with therapist to talk about but she was seriously not impressed.
Glad you said that about the co-addict stuff I had a real problem with that one...

I'm so sorry, Katty. I got told the same thing-he's just being a guy.

I don't think these counselors quite understand what it's like have a partner engrossed with porn but has a mediocre-low sex drive with their partner.

I don't think they all do it on purpose, but I wonder if some of the counselors ever get hit by the Karma Bus.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

I have not posted much lately, but have tried to keep up - our children have been visiting for sping break.

7 - enjoyed getting to meet your family. I agree that you look much too young to be as wise as you are!

Reading about all the bad counselors, I have to share that our first marriage counselor asked what I thought rSH A was about and I answered 'sex.' He said 'no' it is always about something else. Guess who was right????? I did fire him.

Today is our anniversary - 15 years. For some reason I am sad. I want it to be a happy day - we have come so very far! rSH is being so very good and doing so many of the right things, but I am so very sad - about the lost years.

I think I am being triggered not only by our anniversary, but also by the fact that I have two friends going through dealing with wayward spouses! So much pain...and I am unsure how to direct them.

The first couple reminds me so much of us many years ago. Just going through the motions. I highly suspect he is still messing around or at the very least, entertaining the idea. There is no true intimacy in the relationship. She told me they were 'communicating' and that she was trying to do the things he wanted her to do that had led to his A. Hello???? I need to call her today...

The second is a young girl - married only 4 years. In fact, I went to her wedding during the early stages of initial disclosure. Classic, classic affair behavior. I have tried to get her to read "Not Just Friends" and "Love Must be Tough" to no avail. The family (his and hers) continues to try to confront him with his behavior, which I believe will continue to drive him away - make him more determined to 'prove' that he is right and this OW is the one. Letting them go is so very hard.

Amazing how clear others situations can be, huh?

That is probably why SI works so well - we can see each others situations so very clearly, but really get mucked down in our own!!!

Thanks for listening...


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,

I've been PMing Katty in the past couple of days. My husband is of English descent, and Katty and I chatted about cultural differences towards counselling, addiction and expressing emotions.

I have been re-reading the book "Living Through Personal Crisis" by Ann Kaiser Stearns. I highly recommend it to those are working on their own healing. The book is not about SA or infidelity. However, it gives me clarify on my grieving process and my "baggage" from the past. I wish to share a few passages with you:

The angry phase of grieving frequently is an indication that our healing process is well underway. It signals the fact that we are not denying our loss but facing it. Grieving persons who have been depressed for many weeks or months usually begin to feel much better once their angry feelings come into the open. (p. 54)

Grief does not go away just beceuase it is ignored, resisted, or denied. Resisting the loss experience and one’s feelings about it only sends these feelings underground. These unsettling feelings can then surface unexpectedly at any time. (p. 57)

Pain is one of the most significant factors that shapes us into the persons we are. Our scars, even those representing permanent injury, are the “war ribbons” that indicate where we have been. They are a part of our personal histories and present strengths. (p. 133)

We [should] learn to recognize courage in ourselves and in others. Sometimes the one thing that keeps us going is the knowledge that human beings can find the courage to survive, to transform something terribly hurtful or ugly into positive learning and growing. (p. 141)

One of the hardest things to do is release our unrealistic expectations concerning what we feel life ought to be. Life ought to be more fair in its distribution of suffering…The fact that we try to live good and decent lives ought to result in our not having to suffer any momentous losses… Each of these notions, we learn, is an unrealistic expectation. Life is what it is. We are all vulnerable and needful people. In human life fairness has nothing to do with illness, deaht, divorce, accidents, shattered dreams, and a host of other losses…We find that as we release our unrealistic expectations of life, the space is created for realistic self-renewal… (p. 149)

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:33 PM, March 19th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone (again):

Today is the anniversary of D Day 1. I did not know what to expect.

It feels like just another day to me. It helps that I am running around like a headless chicken at work - it's so busy here. I have also discovered that my triggers are generally not dates, but places or things.

I feel eerily zeny. I realize I am strong. I know now that I can survive adversities. I feel more human for having experienced a range of emotions. I now stand up for myself. I learn that I have a right to my feelings and a right to voice them. I am going to work with my IC now to explore my father's emotional abuse when I was young. The only regret I have is the loss of innocence and unconditional trust. I also regret seeing a whole year passed without any joy. Time, once passed, cannot be reclaimed. I think about the what ifs - what if this had never happened, how much "better" my life would be and how much happier I would be.

One piece of happy news. Before he met me, my husband dated a woman, who is promiscuous. About 4 years after my husband met me, he was out of town on a conference near where this woman lived. He met up with her (and I am certain it's more than coffee) without telling me. Therefore, after D Day, I insisted that he has no more contact with her.

Yesterday, once my husband stepped through the door, he called out immediately, "I bumped into XXX today in the business complex. It was not pre-arranged!" He then explained she saw him, asked how he was, and why he had not responded to her emails (I read them, they were just innocent "how are you" type of emails). My husband told her he just got married, he had not responded to her emails because his wife and he wanted to start the marriage on a clean slate, but he wished her the best. She apparently understood, wished him well and left.

Brownie points for my husband for not breaking NC, for reinforcing it, and for telling me right away!

I am sorry I am self-absorbed today. The anti-anniversity has made me reflective. Thank you for listening.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:39 PM, March 19th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((birdwatch)))
You have a right to feel any way you need to feel today! I think it is wonderful that your H told you about his experience right away, it feels so much better when things are out in the open!

Thank you for the posts from the book, they are all so true and very helpful, and #3 and #4 have significant meaning for me right now, because that is where I am finding my inner strength again, after deserting me for so long.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch

That is wonderful! I am so pleased for you. Its so great to see something positive. I met up with a friend yseterday who said that she had made a difference to her life by writing down 3 positive things about each day - could be really small doesnt matter its the writing down that counts. She has done this for a year and it has made such a difference. I am starting today and your message will be one of mine.

Katty X


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, LDLH, I love your new tag--you have had me ROTFLMAO today!!!

He he. I just wish there wasn't a lot of pain/ drama behind it.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ldlh)))
I know, I am so sorry for that. I just think it is great though, that you can still find your humor. That is YOUR inner strength, speaking up!

Knowing so many cops and firefighters, I understand the need for dark humor sometimes, to keep us sane. I probably wouldn't laugh at it so much either, if I hadn't been thru the same sh*t, but I can totally relate to your tags

ETA: Just had to add, mine bought astroglide instead of vaseline, told me it was for his razor, but it is really funny that he bought it at the same time he started watching the PPV porn crap.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:34 PM, March 19th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NA))))

Do they think we can't put two and two together?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHERE is a member's picture thread? Am lost...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh - Apparently it is part of the fantasy world they exist in, to believe that they can thrust their fantasy world out there and everyone else will believe in it too. And he gets really angry if I won't believe it.

"I only did it because I was bored", or "curious". Oh, and actually he has a new one now. He told me that because of us splitting and my problems with it, he has been working on his problems, , and he realizes now that he grew up thinking all this stuff was normal, because he was always exposed to it, so he thought I was just making too big of a deal about it. So. He knew it bothered me anyway, but still did it. What does that say about his respect for my feelings.

Although, he still says if I was the one calling escorts and all he probably wouldn't like it. Just a new way for him to justify.

His mom called me the other day. She is one of his biggest codependents. She is ALWAYS bailing him out of his problems. I was totally straight with her, I straight out told her he has lied to me about everything, and I will not be with a man who prefers to have sex with himself and possibly others, as opposed to his wife. And she does know he really needs help, and she doesn't blame me for not staying. She also said she did not realize how bad off he was. I told her that she needed to quit enabling him. She has to stop bailing him out when he gets into trouble, and let him hit rock bottom, for crying out loud he is almost 50, and his mommy is still cleaning up his messes.

ETA: Oh, ScribblingMum --there is a picture thread in fun and games.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:56 AM, March 20th (Friday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had the 'curious' excuse as well... My 'favourite' tho is his excuse for swinging as a single man 'everyone else is doing it you would be amazed how many there are out there so must be ok'.....

Katty


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA said:
He knew it bothered me anyway, but still did it. What does that say about his respect for my feelings.

I wish I didn't know the feeling. My feelings seem to amount to zip esp. after that moronic counselor.

Mine gets really angry when I don't believe him. The solution is for him to stop lying.

Mine uses the,"Well, I would let you do it excuse." In Las Vegas we stayed at a hotel with a topless revue. He insinuated he should be able to go b/c he would let me go to a male revue. I've never even been to a male revue,and I promise I can do without!

I also get,"I've been doing this for years and years and it has nothing to do with you." First of all, I don't give a flyin shit how long you've been doing. Second of all, it hurts me when you 1)lie and blameshift,2)can't maintain an erection with me from all the masturbation (perhaps part of the reason he's in a hurr), 3)spend your other engergies on god knows what you do at that desk,4)spend money on porn that could be better spent, 5)masturbate on me, 6)make me out to be the bad guy

I have thought about telling his aunt. Not out of spite though. Maybe she can talk some sense into him.

Katty said:

My 'favourite' tho is his excuse for swinging as a single man 'everyone else is doing it you would be amazed how many there are out there so must be ok'

I know this isn't exactly what you were saying, but I think that's one of the drawbacks and advantages of the net. I'm sure mine thought it was ok to cyber cruise b/c there were so many members at that adult forum.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 7:53 AM, March 20th (Friday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, that is one of the stupidest excuses that really irritates me. "Everyone else is doing it". No. Everyone else is not. I am not. So there is one person not doing it.

Anyway, my answer to that is always, "so, are you just a leming? If everyone else went and jumped off the cliff, you would too?" Idiot.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I have had the 'curious' excuse as well... My 'favourite' tho is his excuse for swinging as a single man 'everyone else is doing it you would be amazed how many there are out there so must be ok'..... "

Funny, those are almost the exact words my ex used. He even tried to convince me he had chatted online with some people in our neighbourhood that I knew IRL. He is off in LaLa Land about that.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone suspect their partner may be into men as well?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well LDLH mine swears he is not but.... he always pits himself as bi sexual on his swinging sites - says he is just curious??? And I have found pictures of him with two other couples who say they are bi. When i pointed all this out to him he admitted to a bj with one of the men but didnt like it apparently so not done it again!!!!!

I do sometimes believe they think we are really stupid....


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bird - welcome to a new day! And thank you so much for the post from your book.
Grief does not go away just beceuase it is ignored, resisted, or denied.

I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with is the grief and how it will hit sometimes out of no where.

May everyone have a great weekend! OLB


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once on Craigslist I caught him looking up a guy in the erotic services category. I just keep telling myself there must have been some kind of mistake.

I found a Magnum sized condom in his wallet (he was going thru it and I saw something gold and shiny). Bless his heart luv him, but he's nowhere near a Magnum size. Either he's messing with well-endowed men or he's been lying to a female about his size. Those are the only scenarios I can think of.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 12:02 PM, March 20th (Friday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Suspicious  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With mine it seems to be another part of his fantasy. He has tried to explain it to me and although it doesnt make much sense he seems to be saying that he wants to find out what different things are like. Having sex with a man is just another 'thing' he hasnt done so he should try it. Weird.

I suspect that as he has admitted this much to me he has done much more. In my experience if I find something its already happened and more....


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
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