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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Jacqueline911
♀ New Member
Member # 23161
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and he is constantly making comments when he sees beautiful women whether it's on tv or walking down the street...he always "checking" other women out to the point where the women notice him staring & then look at me like, "what's the hell's he looking at me for"....he denies he does this and says I am the one who's always eyeballing men (NOT). WTF?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Vancouver, B.C. Canada
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

birdwatch:
I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying. I was simply pointing out she had ways to find out on her own that those old mags are not worth much. Get her own info instead of rely on him for it. But you're right, the bottom line is he shouldn't have it. I certainly get that.
-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jacqueline))) I read your profile, but don't know your whole story, but, from what I understand (and my own personal experience), it is really hard to get someone to admit they have an addiction.

If 7yrs has given you advice, I am assuming you have already checked some of the websites.

I can tell you from my own experience, that my SAh has maintained since d-day that the only reason he has done the stuff he did was because he was bored and curious. That seems to be a pretty popular answer. Also, he did tell me he did some other porn because he was angry at me.

I'm not sure how any of that makes it okay, anyhow? I don't have affairs when I am bored and lonely and angry. And I have been all 3 constantly for the past year.

I read in one of those sex addiction resources that a sex addict sees everything through his "sex filter", meaning, he will sexualize just about everything, and one of the first things I noticed with my H even when we were dating was he would make a lot of sexual jokes and innuendos. More than what others usually say. And he had some pretty offbeat sexual ideas. Then, after the first two to three months, he lost interest in sex with me. After only the 3rd of 4th time, he asked me if I didn't get bored with just plain sex, after having doing it so much, and didn't I want to try some different stuff. (This was only after a few times of us being together, we didn't even know each others bodies at that point!)

My H is still in denial, so he will soon be my XH. He told me again last night he doesn't think he has an addiction, because he can stop anytime. But he most surely does have an addiction.
Even without the porn, I have had to listen to him rewrite history, blameshift, manipulate, gaslight, and lie, lie, lie.

I don't know if any of that sounds familiar to you, just read up as much as you can to educate yourself, and keep posting and asking questions. The people on this board are very knowledgeable and incredibly supportive, although I think that many of them do not get back to these boards until after the weekend.
Take Care!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and he is constantly making comments when he sees beautiful women whether it's on tv or walking down the street...he always "checking" other women out to the point where the women notice him staring & then look at me like, "what's the hell's he looking at me for"....he denies he does this and says I am the one who's always eyeballing men (NOT). WTF?

I'm sorry, Jacqueline. That sounds really painful. I know firsthand that's not fun.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get her own info instead of rely on him for it.

Not that I believe him, but I'll definitely look. The playboy he's referring to is from 2008. His reason for keeping it is that it will gain value over time. There is no way that could have any value anyway b/c someone could probably find the pics on Google. I know this is one of his usually lies.

I just assume he is lying when we're on this topic and his gums are flapping.

He still doesn't see the connection between him looking right thru me, telling he's tired of my body then watching porn and buying Playboys. I've felt like a leper for over a year, and I've told him that repeatedly. I can't believe someone would be so DENSE.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It's bizarre how detached I am from the person I was. But you guys are right -- I need to get quiet and get back to that place and see if I can muster up some empathy. My IC thinks it's stopping me from progressing -- and I think she's right.

NA and Jacqueline,
My husband too tended to sexualize everything. It was like dating a horny 17-year-old -- always making sophomoric jokes. I just thought he was immature in that way. And in so many other ways, he was brilliant and successful. It was easy to overlook that seemingly-small-but-in-hindsight-HUGE thing.
And though I never noticed him eyeballing other women, he now admits that he did it a lot. Looked at any woman as a potential. He was just better at hiding it than most.
And finally, all the arguments that these spouses get into with you about whether or not their porn is "worth something" or whether or not you're addicted to SI or whether or not they are or are not addicts or simply lonely, bored, or whether or not it was only "cyber relationships" or flesh-and-blood ones, etc. is all completely red herrings to distract you from the truth and the point that their behaviour is harming your marriage, your sense of safety within that relationship and your trust. If your gut tells you something is wrong, most of us on this site have learned the hard way that we all need to LISTEN TO IT.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It's bizarre how detached I am from the person I was. But you guys are right -- I need to get quiet and get back to that place and see if I can muster up some empathy. My IC thinks it's stopping me from progressing -- and I think she's right.

NA and Jacqueline,
My husband too tended to sexualize everything. It was like dating a horny 17-year-old -- always making sophomoric jokes. I just thought he was immature in that way. And in so many other ways, he was brilliant and successful. It was easy to overlook that seemingly-small-but-in-hindsight-HUGE thing.
And though I never noticed him eyeballing other women, he now admits that he did it a lot. Looked at any woman as a potential. He was just better at hiding it than most.
And finally, all the arguments that these spouses get into with you about whether or not their porn is "worth something" or whether or not you're addicted to SI or whether or not they are or are not addicts or simply lonely, bored, or whether or not it was only "cyber relationships" or flesh-and-blood ones, etc. is all completely red herrings to distract you from the truth and the point that their behaviour is harming your marriage, your sense of safety within that relationship and your trust. If your gut tells you something is wrong, most of us on this site have learned the hard way that we all need to LISTEN TO IT.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:50 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, please back up to page 37 and read Holeinmysoul's post and give her some support.

I told her to post here and she kind of got overlooked. (One reason why this format is so cumbersome)

I've PM'd with her but I think she needs to hear from more spouses.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Holeinmysoul, I did't see your post here, but I did respond to your trickle truth post, and I stand by everything I said there.

"it had always been there for him".
He has relied on his addiction his whole life. It is there for him, when people have not been. That is his "blankie, or pacifier". Instead of learning to connect with people, he has gone to his porn.

They call SA an intimacy disorder, with good reason. My SAh cannot have close intimacy with ANYONE. He does not have a close relationship, not with anybody including his family members. He gets his feelings hurt VERY VERY easily, then he puts a wall up and is done with that person.

So many things you are saying are way too familiar to my situation. Mine also says it has never gotten physical. I haven't found actual proof, but enough "smoking guns" that it really doesn't matter. And actually, it doesn't. Even if he never had a PA, I don't want to live like this.

One thing that we all seem to have in common, is that there is some type of emotional/verbal abuse that comes with this. My SAh also would not be interested in me sexually, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't understand it. I have been married before; and I have had a few partners before, and I have ALWAYS been able to get them in the mood, and it has NEVER been hard! All the guys I have been with, and my friends and sister's guys, are pretty much always ready to jump in the sack, with just a word.

My last H, all I had to do was say, "wanna go upstairs". He would be like "really?", and he would be so excited, like a kid in a candy store. I have NEVER in my life had a guy tell me no. So you can imagine, with my H, I tried everything, and he had every excuse in the book. He would even get mad from time to time saying, couldn't I just give him some space, he was "tired, depressed, aggravated, in pain" blah blah blah. And he made me feel like some kind of pervert, wanting sex from my husband, like there was something wrong with me. This last 2 years, we have probably only had normal sex maybe 3 times.

And when we did, he would need to close his eyes, even put a pillow over his face. He said because the light hurt his eyes, but now I know it is because he had to dream up some type of porn scene to get off. The only time he got excited with me in the past year was when he had an opportunity in a public hot tub. I was so freaking desperate I considered it, but then someone came along, but when we went back to the house, I asked him if he was still in the mood. You can guess his answer. Now he was too tired. It is devestating to realize that your H cannot get excited by you. But don't feel bad, because I believe most of us have been there. Just know it is not you.

Honestly, whether my H actually did contact women from the dating sites (and he said he was single, and he posted "new but willing to try") and he called escort lines and sent an email to a hooker saying "if the price is right, maybe we can get together", with his real phone number and name, freaking idiot, I don't really care if he actually hooked up or not. The intent was the same.

Oh, yeah, you wrote your H says you were fighting all the time. Mine says that also. We can go all week getting along, have one ten minute argument (not even a fight), but he will come back the next day and say all we did last week was fight. There is something wrong with his brain, and my guess is it is the addiction. I see it as mental illness, because he does not remember things correctly, and he makes things up, to fit into his reality. It is scary. I don't even think he is actively lying, I think his brain is actually changing the facts.

You are looking for the truth. It is here on these boards. You will not find it with your H. I have had to come back here time and time again, because my H is SOOO believable, and a master manipulator (he always says he would make a good politican, because he can schmooze just about anyone), and I always get my wake-up call and the gut-wrenching truth here, and I am so thankful for it, because I am feeling healthier than I did for a long, long time.

My SAh and I are splitting, and it took 7 months for me to decide, because he has no real remorse, and no intention of ever getting help much less acknowledging the problem. First he said he had no problem, then when I was getting ready to leave, he admitted a problem, and said he was going to fix it on his own. No counseling. That is my dealbreaker. CSAT & 12 steps, or I am gone. So, now I am going. I think if I live much longer with a guy that is trying to make me crazy, and believe in his fantasy made up world, I will truly end up crazy.

No thank you.

Hang in there, this is a devestating thing to deal with, but you will come out the other side, and you will become strong, but get as much support for yourself as you can---it is very important with this disease!



Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holeinmysoul,

First thing that came to me after I read your post was "listen to your instinct."

I don't know if it was something we (partners of SA) come already wired to do, or if our spouses cultivate it, but we tend to disregard our intuition. Trust in yourself is even harder to regain, in my experience, than trust in others.

Over this past year, I have learned that I do not need to "look" for info for "proof."

If I feel something is not right, it is not right.
If you think his account does not make sense, that is all you need.

It is easier to tell someone to do this, than to actually just breathe and trust yourself.


I had a very hard time accepting the idea that maybe my husband was SA.
First, our sex life was so rare, that I knew the exact day I conceived our son. One time in a 12 week time period!
We hadn't been married a year.
For 8 years, it was that way.

I was actually unaware that my SAH even looked at porn anymore. For years, he would sit in our basement office, isolating from the family, blaming my children for disrupting his life. When we moved, his laptop lived in our (pretty big) kitchen. Apparently, it added to the thrill to talk to people on webcams with me right there in the room. I never had a clue, not an iota of suspicion. Why would I? My husband wasn't really that sexual.

I am not sure if I am being helpful or not, here. My journey here has been helped most by seeing the daily-life sort of things that others experienced, being married to a SA.

I never seem to have time to sit down and type more, but I mean to, as I am always strengthened by the amazing partners of SAs that post here, good days and bad.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it sure wasn't with me. Other than the first 2 weeks after we moved in together, he's never desired sex with me.

Holeinmysoul, I could just about say the same for mine. In the beginnig he was all over me, now it's just waning.

I tried to tell myself that maybe this was just natural in a relationship as we were spending more and more time with each other, but deep down I always suspected something was off.

My partner has tried to tell me my body was the problem, that he had ED and needed viagra, and that he just had a low sex drive.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holeinmysoul,

Looking back on our 33 + years of marriage, sexual anorexia has always been a part of it. I can pinpoint the conception of all three of my children. Even the honeymoon was not a honeymoon. He found excuses even then.

I'm just recognizing all of this kind of stuff in the last year or so. The first 2 years post-D-Day were spent ruminating about the 4 month affair. I still go back to that sometimes, but only in relation to the SA now.

I agree that you must listen to your gut. Intuition is part of being the spouse/partner of an SA. A few months ago I installed a keylogger on SAh's laptop. But when I went to finish up the installation, I stopped. I don't need to know the exact details of his use. I already know when he's using. Why create on more thing to obsess over and I know the daily reports would have me obsessing. No more!!

So trust your gut, holeinmysoul. You know. You really know!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holeinmysoul,

I did read your post and repsponded within mine but I didn't make it clear that I was addressing you along with others.

Here's what I said:

And finally, all the arguments that these spouses get into with you about whether or not their porn is "worth something" or whether or not you're addicted to SI or whether or not they are or are not addicts or simply lonely, bored, or whether or not it was only "cyber relationships" or flesh-and-blood ones, etc. is all completely red herrings to distract you from the truth and the point that their behaviour is harming your marriage, your sense of safety within that relationship and your trust. If your gut tells you something is wrong, most of us on this site have learned the hard way that we all need to LISTEN TO IT.

When I look back, it's so easy to see that -- on some level -- I really knew. But I was so good at talking myself out of my instinct (in the hopes that I was wrong) and overlooking things.

Naiveagain responded that if you're looking for the truth, come here. And she's right. Until your husband is completely honest with himself and you about his addiction, you won't get anything but distorted thinking from him...and it will make you wonder if you're going crazy. For six months -- after learning about one affair and my husband swearing that was it -- I honestly thought I was losing my mind because I KNEW something wasn't right. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. But I was turning to the wrong person for a reality check. At that point, he was even in counselling for sex addiction but was terrified of telling me so just kept lying. The day he finally confessed, I felt such bizarre relief because it meant that I wasn't crazy.
Please continue to post here and let us help guide you through taking care of yourself and establishing boundaries that will ensure you get the clarity you need to cope with this.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Shocked  Posted: 4:02 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMFG!!!!!!

First, everything is actually fine with rSA and me. Well, not perfect, we have money troubles and normal stress but as far as our R and our recoveries, it's all good.

However... I have a touch of some sort of freaky intuition or something...

And sometimes I'll get something in my head and it will just niggle at me until I cannot take it anymore and the ONLY way to get rid of it is to do whatever it is. I've been fighting it in regards to checking up on rSA especially when it's a fleeting thought that doesn't end up being a "gut" thing. If it's a "gut" thing, I check it out. (This is very rare now) As I said, he's good. His recovery is good. We are good.

But I've had one of the whores on my mind lately. She's just bugging the crap out of me. Has been for a few months. I've been ignoring it because it's just not healthy to go there. Mostly it's been this feeling that I needed to Google her to see what she's up to. I kept telling myself that I did NOT need to do that and let it go. She is not even one of the ones that he fucked more than once. She was a nothing. A piece of trash he had a ONS with. But, when I contacted her back then to confirm the date of their ONS and ask if it really was a ONS, she was a hateful, nasty bitch to me. Saying things like, "No wonder he cheated." and "I had your man!"

It got the better of me tonight and now... OMG. I'm shaking.

I Googled her and saw that she had a Facebook page so I clicked. And it said we had one mutual friend!!!

THE WHORE FRIENDED A FRIEND OF MINE ON FB!!!! And this is so bizarre I'm not sure I can explain it. This friend of mine lives in Australia. She is an online only friend. I've never met her in person. We met over 8 years ago on a wedding planning message board. We were both plus size brides and had a ton in common. We became good friends online. (I have about 65 online friends I met through that wedding planning message board.) When we all were long married and starting families etc we all migrated to a different online community but remained friends. She has been one of my closest online friends. I knew her long before I had a Dday. She is one of only 7 of my 65 online friends that I confided the infidelities and my husband's SA to. There is no way there is any kind of conspiracy or anything going on here. (In case anyone thought so.)

So, I emailed my friend and thankfully, since she is in Australia she got right back to me. I simply said, "Hey {friend} this is coming out of left field but how do you know {whore's name} on FB?? This is kind of important, can you get back to me soon?"

She emails back and says that she "met" the whore playing some game on FB and that she doesn't "know" her in any other way. And immediately said, "This doesn't have anything to do with what {my hubby's name} did, does it???"

So I told her exactly what it had to do with that. She again explained why the friending (playing a game where you have to friend to exchange "cards" that have to be collected for the game) and that she just never defriended because they are both very active in the game. They never wrote on each other's walls or commented (I checked, it took forever but I can't find any interaction except that PackRat game) But here's the thing, I have a family photo of all three of us as my avatar on FB and if the whore happened to see it and recognized my hubby... well I just wonder if she friended my friend to try to see my other photos or something.

I'm shaking. I really feel like I might vomit. I had a moment there where I thought I might have a heart attack. I had some pretty serious tunnel vision too and almost passed out (just like when I found his AFF account that very first time.)

I can't take this shit. Talk about stepping on a motherfucking LANDMINE!

Again, I truly believe my friend is innocent in all this and my rSA is fine. No slips, this had ZERO to do with him. But that bitch was in my head and I HATE that but I'm glad I trusted my gut and found what I was supposed to find. My friend de-friended the whore on FB.

I just don't know what to do. Do I delete my FB??? I don't really use it much but I have a ton of friends on there. Do I say "screw it!" and if she wants to look at our happy family photo, so be it?? Do I just delete all my photos???

I don't know if any of you remember my analogy where I described the PTSD as "alligators?" Well, I've since discovered there are more than alligators. There are LANDMINES. Boy did I step on one tonight.

Good news is... now that I've emailed with my friend and now typed this all out here, the panic attack has passed and my heart isn't beating out of my chest anymore. So that is good.

I just need to figure out what to do with my FB account if anything? Do I let the trigger and reaction dictate how I live or do I say "fuck her" and just move on??
7

(excuse the coarse language, I usually tone it down considerably on here but I had to be myself and say what I felt)

P.S. This is the second bizarro small world "almost" encounter with one of the whores. About 3 years ago I had some extra tickets to a Wiggles concert that I sold through Craigslist. The gal was nice and we chatted for quite a while and thought perhaps we'd try to strike up a friendship. She invited me to a Tupperware party. It was an evite. Up to that point, I didn't know her last name. When I saw it, I triggered. I recognized that last name. I sent her an email and said, "Are you related to Tracy ******?" And she says, yes, that's my sister in law (my husband's brother's wife.)

Turns out that one of the whores was her SISTER IN LAW!!! Talk about awkward!!! I asked if the whore would be at the party and she assured me that she would not. Turns out she didn't like her SIL and was not surprised to hear that she had slept with a married man. So I went to the party and had a nice time. We didn't follow through and become friends but I'm proud of myself for handling it the way I did.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, (((7yrs)))! Talk about incredible intuition!

Don't let this bitch dictate your life. She is NOT worth it. Keep your friendships, and enjoy them on facebook, and if she wants to look at your happy pictures of you and your H, let her sit and wallow in her own misery.

That was really cool of your friend to "defriend" her. You have good friends, this OW apparently has nothing, or she would not be spending her time doing this crap.

You know, one thing I am learning is you can't avoid all the nutjobs in this world, but you can sure not let them dictate your life.

(((7yrs))) Oh, also, can you tell your H about this, and get his support?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holeinmysoul

My SA made a comment yesterday about how he used to stare at other women and how he can't believe how different he thinks now and doesn't even get the temptation to do this anymore. I have learned not to believe his words. I watch his behavior. His behavior is better but I still have one foot out the door.

When we would be shopping I would never stay with him because of his behavior. I would just go and shop for whatever I was looking for. When I would be done I just looked around for the most scantily clad female to find SA and he was always lurking around her. That's how I always found him and he never failed to be where I thought he would be.

I don't know if I will ever want to have an intimate relationship with him again, but I'm giving him time now that he's so dedicated to recovery.

We've been together for 32 yrs and he is wonderful in every other way except when dealing with the addiction.

They don't recover unless they come to full realization of what they are doing. It's only been about 4 months for him after 2 1/2 yrs of lies while he was in therapy with a quack and is now with a CSAT. But it wasn't the CSAT that made him come to this realization. It was him turning his life over to Jesus Christ. I know this bothers some people for me to talk about this. My SA was on computer last Nov between his CSAT and SA mtg, looking at soft porn. It wasn't until he turned his life over to Christ a week later that he got the full realization that what he was doing was wrong. This is how strong his addiction was and how warped his thought processes were.

Now he says he is totally dedicated to recovery. He even researched the Bible to find out why masturbating was wrong for him to do.

7

I have a hard time with triggers too! Hope you feel better soon. They are not fun.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Holeinmysoul
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Member # 23132
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God my head is so screwed up!!!!! I don't know what to think or believe.
I've asked him to take a polygraph & he hasn't said no, but he does keep telling me how expensive it is & how he doesn't know when we'll have the money. I told him yesterday, that if he fails the polygraph, we're getting divored without any discussion. He got scared & said that they aren't 99.9% accurate & that innocent people have failed them. I wouldn't let him go there, I told him that is the way it is & there is no changing my mind.

I also told him that I was forwarning him so he could have one more last, last chance to be honest. He again swore that nothing physical ever happedned with anyone other than me.

Half the time, I just can't believe that it's true. That man that comes home to me every night hugs me & tells me that he had a rough day & that he just wanted to come home to me all day; that takes such excellent care of me when I'm sick or injured, that worries about my health, that scares the monsters out of the kids closets, that changes diapers, gives baths& knows how to calm a very angry 2 year old mid tantrum, that had an ex girlfried cheat on him & she got pregnant from that cheating & dumped him...could possible be the same guy that could do this to me, knowing my history, & especially not while I was pregnant with his child. He has such bad self esteem, bad body image...I can see how he wouldn't have been able to be physical with someone, but then if that's true, why is my gut screaming so loudly?

He is going to a group SAA meeting tonight. He says he really wants to change. He says that everything is different this time because he accepts that he really is an addict & that he is taking responsibility for everything that he's done. But then he blames addiction for everything. He says he doesn't understand how I can understand & accept that he is an addict, but tell him that he had a choice as to whether or not to contact the other women. He says that he didn't have a choice, that the addiction stole his ability to choose.

Am I being to hard on him with this? Or am I right, he really did have a choice all along?


7-F*** that HO! She is a looser that can only get her self esteeme from trying to take another woman's man away. Don't let her dictate your life!

[This message edited by Holeinmysoul at 9:54 AM, March 15th (Sunday)]


Me:BS
WH porn/sex addict/EAs/Cyber sex/Affairs/Phone sex/compulsive/pathological liar.
He started SAA 3.15.09
Married 4 years, together 7.5
Kids:from my previous marriage 17& 9, 2 yr old from this marriage.
Riding the roller coaster

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: FL
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HoleinMySould,

First, you are so right to trust what your gut is telling you. Something isn't true/right, and even if you don't know exactly what it is right now, it is probably accurate.

I reread an article someone posted here about disclosing to family, yesterday. In addition to talking with our spouses support group facilitator, I was reminded how disclosure is a process.

Most often the truth comes out with SA's a little at a time.

Keep trusting your instinct, hold firm to your boundaries, and expect more to come out. He seems to at least be exposed to people that might be able to help him see the value in the truth, eventually.

Hopefully he learns that being an addict is not a choice but acting on his addiction is a choice. He must take responsibility and not act as a victim to his addiction.
(I hope I am phrasing that correctly)

Regardless what he does, you stick to your guns.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs.,

Keep your Facebook! OW is on Facebook, so if she looks at my profile picture, she sees me, us and family. I used to think of her when I type in my status. She told FWH that she thought it was just awful that we called each other 'old man' and 'old woman', even though it was an incredibly endearing pet name for each other. So I would often use the terms in my status just to bug her butt!

Also found out one of my students was FB friends with FWH's first ONS. No big deal. My triggers are other things, I guess.

I continue to feel sad. Not in a crippling way, but still an underlying sad mood. I am finding out real fast that SAh has relied on me for our entire marriage to repair any cracks in the relationship. As I detach from him as part of my healing, he is detaching from me. I realized this morning that he is waiting for me. He left the house this morning without giving me a good-bye kiss. If I did that to him on any given morning, he would make it known. Holy crap, it is SO all about him.

I get frightened sometimes, knowing he could use my detachment as the impetus to get emotionally involved with another woman, which would likely lead to a PA. That's what he hung his hat on for justification in 2005/2006. At times, I almost give in and initiate connection, but I know I can't. If he gives up on us because I'm not taking the first step, well then that's just further reason for me to leave, isn't it. I have no proof that he is using, but these guys know how to go deeper underground if they want to use. You know he says he hates mind games, but he plays them better than most.

Sigh!! So I just go on doing what I have to do day to day. The IC is a real haven for me, and I look forward to it even though it can get tough as I slowly open up the pain that has been hibernating in me for decades. Today I have to finish a paper for a grad course. It deals with personality types and has been further insight to why I think and do what I think and do!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holeinmysoul,

I don't think you are being too hard on him at all. He made need a sponsor or accountability partner.

I can see where your partner is coming from about polygraphs not being completely accurate. However, I think he is making an excuse about the money. My partner had the same excuse (that we couldn't afford it) when I wanted to go to counseling.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 7:50 AM, March 16th (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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