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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, JustWow, but I will not go to bed without supper (or at least dessert!)


If you love him, you need to let him hit rock bottom.
Okay, I keep forgetting that part.

Thank you everyone for all the incredible support you are giving me thru this; you all have no idea, but when I left the house yesterday to do my errands, I felt so loved and supported, I carried that thru the whole day, so when I spoke with him last night, I didn't engage on the back and forth emotional pull as usual.

He asked when I was moving down, and I told him point blank, "I don't feel comfortable with you right now, and there are too many trust issues for me, and I don't feel that I will be able to trust you until you get professional help"

And he said, "so, your bottom line is counseling" "yes", "I am no way ever going to counseling, so I guess we are at an impasse".

So I guess that is it, and he is realizing it, and I am very sad that he is choosing his addiction over the real love of a family, but it is his choice, and I am ready mentally to move on. (Still scared financially, but working on it--I called my sister yesterday, and she is going to help me format the resume and make copies).

I guess I am moving forward. It kind of feels good in a way.

Dire Straits --You know, I've been following your story too, and I've talked with you a bit. I can't remember, though, if she is completely remorseful (if she is in pain, because you are--and is truly willing to do WHATEVER it takes), or if she is willing to make a true effort for counseling, for herself, to heal herself, because she truly wants to heal. Those are the two things I needed from my SAh, but will not be getting.

I know how scary it is to make the choice to let go. (If you read back a few pages, you will see the hard time I have been having). I don't know that it gets any easier, but at some point, we all realize there is no staying with someone that puts their own selfish needs ahead of the relationship time and time again. Being alone is scary too, when you have been with someone a long time, but you know what, I spent the weekend alone, and it was 60 degrees here, and I stuck my stereo outside and worked in my yard, and I was happier than I have been in a long, long time! I was just so glad to be alive, and I hadn't felt that way in a long time. It comes back, little by little, and just a few days earlier, I couldn't imagine ever feeling happy again. I am finding my inner strength, piece by piece (with the help and support from my wonderful friends here), and it feels good!

I guess what I am trying to say (sorry, I am not quite as blunt as a couple of the other members here ) is I don't want to stay because of fear (basically of the unknown). I could have made it work, if he would have gotten help, and the way to get past the affairs and transgressions, for me, was to realize it was because of his illness, not anything to do with his love for me. But, because he is still ill, there will probably be more transgressions, along with a ton of lying, and that is unacceptable to me in a relationship.


I am learning that I will be okay, no matter what happens. If I don't make it financially, I will just start over again. I can do that. I will be okay, no matter what. When you can truly internalize that, I believe that is what can give you the strength to do whatever is necessary for your own health and peace of mind. I'm so glad to be finding this, and I am so glad that everyone here has my back when I slip a little!

Peace and hugs to everyone!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, are you guys sick of me yet!

It didn't take long. He apparently thought about all my "cruel, cruel" words all night. He called me this morning, after work, and told me he felt I was judging him, and that I really blew it. I have blown this relationship. Yup. It is all my fault. Stupid f*cker.

He is done. Again. He will call back in a couple days with how he wants the divorce to progress. Whatever. I just said, "well, I am sorry if I did something to hurt you, and I am sorry you feel that way." That is the most emotion I can muster at this point.

I'm done. I don't care. I am not crying. I am not sad. I am ready. Hooray! About time, so I can get on with my life, and maybe I will find someone healthy to have a relationship with, maybe not. But at least I won't be dealing with this sick person anymore. And the terrible emotional/verbal abuse.

Oh, he said he only gives this relationship a 1% chance of making it, and we only have a 50/50 chance of remaining friends. Wow, I guess I really blew it. Bummer. But let me repeat, because he sure said it enough, it is all MY fault.

I am thinking many not so nice thoughts, I will spare you and just tell the dog.

Oh well, I will check back to see how everyone else is doing, I have a life to live and I need to get to work!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,
I'm sorry his is still being the same ass as always.

I betcha you already saw this, but I'm gonna point it out just in case:

It didn't take long. He apparently thought about all my "cruel, cruel" words all night. He called me this morning, after work, and told me he felt I was judging him, and that I really blew it. I have blown this relationship. Yup. It is all my fault. Stupid f*cker.

You, little lady, have blown the relationship HE wants to have. The one that inludes you AND his addiction. This is actually something you should take CREDIT for, not blame. It was a relationship you never wanted and never agreed to. So celebrate the destruction of that three-some. Don't feel guilty for a second.

He is done. Again

I'm sorry, did I miss something? He's done......faking recovery? Done manipulating?.......What the hell is he done with? He never even started from your perspective, huh?

He will call back in a couple days with how he wants the divorce to progress.

Hey, NA, I'm gonna call you back in a coupla days once I've figured out how exactly I can control this trainwreck, its always all about me and my mythical control. Talk to you soon.

Stay firm in your boundaries to protect you, hun, he aint done with his game, and he's never, ever even started facing what he really needs to.

Take care of yourself, sweetie.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

ETA: Go ahead and eat nothing but dessert today, if you want, darlin'

[This message edited by JustWow at 8:07 AM, March 11th (Wednesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
dire straits
♂ Member
Member # 22350
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,

Sorry your H is being such an incredible jerk. I really hope it's blue skies ahead for you. I know it's hard, but please don't let his words hurt you. He's obviously sick and is incapable of looking at himself closely in the mirror.

It's so hard to change momentum and get that boulder rolling in a different direction. But it sure sounds like that would be a good thing for you. I wish you strength.

Back to my favorite topic: me. My wife was initially very remorseful: begging me to stay, tears and many deep apologies. That was when I was led to believe it was just one short fling over 4 years ago. I had started to feel a shift toward R, but kept digging for more evidence of infidelity because I had lost my trust. After I uncovered the true scope of things, R has never entered my mind. My wife still wants to stay married, but I've shown her no sign that I would ever consider R.

Is she really remorseful? What a question. I don't know. When I've tried to get her to agree to mediation, she's turned into an absolute witch. The last time I brought it up (one of 3 times), she told me she's always despised me and that her orgasms were always fake. When I then asked why she then wants to stay married, she said it was just for the money.

This behavior could be the result of insecurity and absolute rejection simply overwhelming any sense of guilt; or maybe it's been crocodile tears all along.

She didn't even tell her therapist about the true scope of her cheating until I discovered it about a month after she started therapy. So she didn't go into therapy with the burning question: "How could I have done this to my husband?" The therapy was all a charade. Now that she feels R is impossible, she quit therapy.

Again, does this mean little or no remorse? Don't know. I've given her no reason to believe R is possible, so she's been donning armor.

[This message edited by dire straits at 8:11 AM, March 11th (Wednesday)]


All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2009
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA

First of all stop taking his calls. You don't have to listen to his garbage anymore. Stop allowing him to mess up your happiness and peace. He's using you as a verbal punching bag. Cut that toxic garbage off.

Seek legal counsel. You stated in an earlier post about his retirement. Since you're married you may be entitled to some, so see a lawyer ASAP. Don't let him run the divorce. Once you get a lawyer you can communicate thru the lawyer.

Praying for you so that you get the strength you need to get thru this.

((((((NA)))))))


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he still keeps telling me I have to work on my problems too, and not "obsess" over his porn stuff.

I get that one,too.

((((NA)))))

7yrs, I'm sorry about your aunt.

Sending ((((hugs)))) to all the newcomers. Sorry you have to be here!

My partner actually asked why I don't change in front of him anymore. I told him to figure it out on his own.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 9:02 AM, March 11th (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

It's amazing how clear it all looks when other show it to us from their point of view, isn't it? I'm glad you can see how he twists words and situations and preys on your sense of guilt and compassion. It's so much easier to blame others for things than take that hard look at ourselves. Except for we co-dependents, who find it so much easier to take full responsibility for EVERYTHING and assume that we actually have control over others.
Congratulations on taking care of yourself! Your day in the yard is simply the first of many good days (with likely a few bad ones thrown in just to ensure you appreciate the good ones! )

direstraits,
I'm sorry your wife is adding such insult to injury. Again, she clearly takes no responsibility for what she's done to you and to herself...not to mention others. Addicts are incredibly self-absorbed people and the pain they inflict on those who care about them is excruciating. Take care of yourself and try to keep her words in perspective. She's lashing out at you using her words as weapons. (I always think it's so cruel how women use the "o" card to attack men -- as if that's a true measure of manhood.)

Hang in there, everyone. We're all moving forward, even if some days it doesn't feel like we are. We're like inchworms...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

I signed on to write to you, only to read your most recent update. I agree with Pebbles, please stop taking his calls. You don't need to listen to his BS. Tell him you will only communicate with him about business and ask him to do it via email. You can then respond ONLY to the business stuff.

See an attorney. Take care of yourself!

The orginal reason for my post was today's reading out of "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie (for those of you who don't have this - it is a daily reading for us co-dependents!)

"Sometimes, the way is not clear.

Our minds get clouded, confused, We aren't certain what our next step sould be, what it will look like, what direction we are headed.

That is the time to stop, ask for guidance, and rest. That is the time to let go of fear. Wait. Feel the confusion and chaos, then let it go. The path will show itself. The next step shall be revealed. We don't have to know now. We will know in time. Trust that. Let go and trust."

I think your path is now clear.

OLB


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dire:

It seems your wife is in the stage of trying to save her addiction first. She probably isn't even recognizing that she hs one. SA's are sooooo convoluted, self-justifying and distorted in their thinking, they often don't even really know what the truth even is to tell it.

She'd probably like to find a way to keep you and her addicition, but the only thing she realllllly trusts is the addiction. So she'll play you as long as she can, and when she no longer thinks she can, push comes to shove and she chooses her addiction.

All you can really do is detach and protect yourself. While she is neither sober nor working a recovery program she is toxic. Period.

Take a read at Maia's post to detached in the WS forum. Maia is a recovering SA. Detached is a WS fighting the SA diagnosis. Maia lays out what it feels like to be a SA WS trying to find wholeness and recovery. It is a moving story, and she has guts to share it.

Peace, brother, remember to protect yourself and your boundaries.

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear NaiveAgain,

Like everyone else here, I am cheering you on. You should be proud of yourself for respecting yourself and setting boundaries.

For him to say that "he's done" grossly distorts reality. It is you who is done so long as he refuses to recognize he has a problem, to seek help and most importantly, to respect you and the marriage. If he wishes to continue having multiple partners and watching porn obsessively, he is free to do so but not with you as his wife.

It may be difficult to stand up for yourself now, but it is still not half as excruciating as if you were to agree to comply with his conditions. You will be subjecting yourself to a life sentence of repeated days of hell.

I agree with others that there is nothing left to say unless he is in recovery. What else can he or you say that will make the slightest difference? You can tell him calmly that unless he contacts you to let you know he is seeking help or to deal with strictly business matters, you will not respond. If you are willing, then let him know you will support him should he commit to recovery.

Others are correct. Consult a lawyer right away. Make a list of all assets and liabilities. Continue with IC diligently. And of course, post here often.

There is no need to make any major decision in the first year. This is your time to heal, whether you stay with your husband or not.

Finally, don't forget, don't let anybody take away your dignity and self-respect. Nobody. Ever.

Though I am not an "eternaloptimist" (sorry, Eternaloptimst for stealing your screen name ), I hope one day your husband will recognize how destructive his illness and behaviour is not only to you but to himself.

Lots of luv,
birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:03 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear dire straits,

I am terribly sorry you have found yourself among us.

I am repeating the comments I sent to another person on this Thread.

Dealing with SA is a totally different ball game. You and your spouse need a lot more support, education and therapy than "just" infidelities.

In addition, I find that for both the SA and his/her spouse, two separate discoveries/realizations are involved. The first discovery pertains to infidelities, the second discovery pertains to SA. I find that a wayward spouse is often more willing to admit to infidelities, but it takes a lot longer and more struggles for him/her to admit to and recognize SA.

But then I digress. Here are my comments:

1. Look after yourself first

Any consideration of rebuilding the marriage or your spouse's healing would be futile at this stage because you are simply not in the physical and emotional space to do so.

Visit a doctor to do a FULL set of STD tests. Also seek advice for possible medicine for insominia, panic attacks and/or depression.

Visit a counsellor for yourself.

If you are working, ask for a one or two weeks' vacation time.

Remember to eat and drink water/juice. I was so distraught in the beginning that I threw up all solid food. So I bought a pack of protein shake, and at 9 am, 1 pm and 7 pm every day, I forced myself to have a shake, a glass of water and one fruit.

Find support through a trusted friend, join a therapy group for spouses of SAs, and/or post here.

2. Get educated

There are many books and websites with credible information. Dr. Patrick Carnes has a number of books. Mending a Shattered Heart is recommended for spouses of SAs. Before that though, I recommend the book After the Affairs (sorry, I don't remember the author's name but sure you can google it). This book deals with affairs in general(not specific to SA). I find the book highly relevant, yet less emotionally charged than the books that are specific to SA.

3. Your spouse and your marriage

While you are not in a state to help your spouse's recovery or to rebuild the marriage, you should set boundaries with consequences. Others here, like 7yearsbetrayed, can give you better advice on that.

Your spouse should have no contact with OWs/OMs.

Your spouse should see a therapist who is trained in SA, or preferrably a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Only a CSAT can make a proper diagnosis of SA, though there are websites that have on-line questionnaires to give some indication.

Your spouse may join a 12-step group.

Marriage counselling comes much later when both of you and your spouse have been sufficiently healed individually.

I wish to emphasize that too often, we focus on our spouse's recovery and neglect our own. In the beginning, your mental health is shattered. You must focus on you and look after yourself. Only after you regain some level of emotional stability and wellness can you support your spouse and rebuild the marriage (if that's what you want).

Finally, it is normally recommended that no major decision be made in the first year following discovery. You have to heal (which in itself is a painful process, that may uncover baggages from your own past that need to be addressed). You need to be emotionally well enough to make informed decisions.

It is not your fault. Something terrible has happened to you. You have been betrayed by someone who had broken a vow. When someone sets out to lie and deceive, and when you keep to your own vow of trust and monogamy, it's not your fault to not have discovered earlier.

You will survive. You are being thought of by everyone here. We are all cheering you on. Don't give up. Take care of yourself. Post as often as you want and PM any of us if you wish.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: Go ahead and eat nothing but dessert today, if you want, darlin'
Thanks mom! I made cookies today!

Back to my favorite topic: me.
Okay, Dire Straits, You DO fit right in!

The last time I brought it up (one of 3 times), she told me she's always despised me and that her orgasms were always fake. When I then asked why she then wants to stay married, she said it was just for the money.
That doesn't sound very remorseful to me. That sounds like the kind of crap my STBX fed me when he got mad or got his wittle feelings hurt. "I haven't been attracted to you for a long time. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'm staying for the child, she doesn't deserve this hurt" blah blah blah. That is not the kind of stuff you say to someone you love or someone you are remorseful to.

When I've tried to get her to agree to mediation, she's turned into an absolute witch
Yeah, I think I am probably going to have a pretty good fight, too, because he is just not a very nice person. He pretends to be, but it is all an act.

He's using you as a verbal punching bag.
Yeah, Pebbles, he is, isn't he. Then he sat there last night whining about him being MY whipping post. Idiot.

Addicts are incredibly self-absorbed people and the pain they inflict on those who care about them is excruciating
Yeah, that is what I have found out, Eternaloptimist, He so pretended to be selfless and caring about others, but it is all a game, to manipulate.

We're like inchworms
Perfect. That is how it feels!

OLB - that is a great post from Melody Beattie, that is exactly how I felt a week or so ago, when I was posting about feeling "braindead".

Finally, don't forget, don't let anybody take away your dignity and self-respect. Nobody. Ever.
Thank you, Birdwatch.

And LDLH, thanks always for your support! (((ldlh)))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
dire straits
♂ Member
Member # 22350
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the warm and helpful responses. I have a question (of course). Part of the reason my WS cheated (maybe a big part) was because she got a thrill out of being "naughty." In other words, knowing how much it would upset me was a major draw for her to do what she did. Is that in line with being a SA, or are we talking about different things here?

I'm not at all convinced she's a SA. In fact, I'm quite convinced she could quit cold turkey. But it really doesn't matter to me very much; the violation is just as atrocious no matter the cause. But I am kind of curious about the whole "it's fun to cheat because it's fun to do something hugely immoral and get away with it" angle. In more blunt terms, she enjoyed the very thought of infidelity, the very thought of violating me. Any of you run into that one?


All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dire straits,

My husband was always the "good boy" when he was a kid -- in a very oppressive family. So, yes, he admitted that he got a thrill out of doing something "naughty" but certainly NOT thinking about what it would do to ME. In fact, that part was completely compartmentalized and he felt that he could only do what he did because he felt sure I would never find out.

So the fact that part of the thrill was knowing how hurt you'd be seems like she's got some serious anger issues -- directed at you, though who knows where they came from.

I can't believe what she's telling you. What is the point of all this? Seems unnecessarily cruel.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Cool  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dire,
Are you assuming these two things? Did she specifically SAY both of those things to you?
In other words, knowing how much it would upset me was a major draw for her to do what she did.

and
"it's fun to cheat because it's fun to do something hugely immoral and get away with it"

This is vitally important. If you're assuming these things it's a completely different discussion than if she is saying them to you.
7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK! Looks like everyone behaved and JustWow did a great job being blunt and saying just what I would have said (here and elsewhere!) I see that many members of this thread are getting more vocal in JFO and General and think that is really good. I think we can really help people, especially when it's not just one or two people pointing things out. It was that way for a long time and I think people were beginning to think I was a nut who was trying to recruit people for my crazy "Spouses of SA Cult" LOL
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. Just dropping in. Not sure if I will stay. I will discuss that with my IC next session.

New IC is working out really well so far. She did try and get me to go to the Celebrate Recovery program, but after one session I felt it was not for me. I find Al Anon much more helpful. Many reasons why, but won't go into it here.

SAH is 'white knuckling it'. He honestly thinks he can beat this on his own. But I know he can't. It's just a matter of time before he falls. He hasn't hit bottom yet, I guess.

In the meantime, I am detaching and setting things in as much order as possible for if and when I have to leave. Personally I think it's just a matter of when. I did set a deadline in my head of after our son's wedding in June, but if it has to be before, so be it.

It's very hard because my H is truly a really nice guy. He's kind to me in every other respect. But I deserve more. On my last confrontation (and it will be my last; now I just wait, work on myself and plan) I asked him how he could respect a woman who has put up with this crap for so many years. He had no answer.

It's amazing to me when I discover the inherent selfishness of addiction bit by bit. My IC made me see that I have not forgiven H for the affair. She's right. I haven't. Why? Because he never really acknowledged the pain it cause me. And because he's still using (inbetween the white-knuckling stretches, that is). How can I really forgive him? For anything? It's still so much about him, and I'm seeing that more every day.

Anyway, I am truly detaching. He must feel it. I'm petrified of leaving. That I acknowledge. But I can't stay. Not like this. So I continue to work really hard. I'm working the 12 steps religiously every day. I am reading. MASH is pretty dog-eared at the moment. :) And I stick bits of money here and there into my savings account. I'm working hard to pay down my personal debt. It's just so sad, really.

But as someone said on here, 'If you really love him, you will let him hit bottom.' I sit and wait for him to do that. The addictions counselling program head at the place I work told me that when you detach, they do one of two things; they decide they will do whatever it takes to get sober OR they head right for the bottom. We shall see.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 1F1B! I've missed you!

It sounds like you're making a lot of progress with your new IC and that is great. But I can see how sad you are too. I'm so sorry that your SA isn't facing his addiction and getting into real recovery. That is so devastating for you.

I'm here anytime.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 1Forward1Back,

While you are very courageous by concentrating on your own healing, letting go of controlling your husband, and setting boundaries and following through with the consequences, it does not mean you shouldn't feel sad and a sense of loss. I feel your pain and am sorry you have to go through this.

I was the one who said "if you love him, you have to let him hit rock bottom". That is in the context of illustrating the futility of trying to control a SA's behaviour by agreeing to his demands. Please do not misunderstand - I did not mean you have to wait for your husband to recover. His recovery is beyond your control. If he refuses to recognize the problem or to seek treatment, staying in the relationship will only perpetuate your pain.

Continue with your own healing. Continue to build up your financial indepedence. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Post whenever you want in your own time - we will always welcome you.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:46 PM, March 12th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear dire straits

I am in a rush - exactly 2 minutes, but I do wish to respond to your post.

First, only a certified sex addiction therapist can make a diagnosis of SA. There are on-line questionnaires available to give you an idea, but obviously, that will not an official diagnosis.

Second, I suggest you read "Mending a Shattered Heart", "Out of the Shadow" and "Don't Call it Love". The latter two are aimed at the SA and so are very intense; you may wish to read them after you have read the first book, which is aimed at parnters of SA. You will find information on symptoms, causes, treatment options, recovery challenges, etc. on these books. They will answer a lot of your questions.

Third, I believe Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer in SA studies, has a website. There is valuable information on it as well.

Finally, it is important for you to seek therapy for yourself. Whether your wife is a SA or not, she has been unfaithful, and you need to embark on a journey of healing.

I have got to run, but please post if you have any more questions. Hang in there.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not misunderstand - I did not mean you have to wait for your husband to recover. His recovery is beyond your control. If he refuses to recognize the problem or to seek treatment, staying in the relationship will only perpetuate your pain.

Oh I knew what you meant. And I get it. Honest.

I just know he is going to fail. They always do when they try to do it on their own power. That's all I meant by that. I'm not waiting around for him to fail before I leave, trust me. I'm just working towards being more stable financially etc. Not totally stable of course, because we never get there, do we?

But I did think it through more today. I really am not going to do this before my baby boy gets married. There are very good reasons for this and it is truly not a cop-out and delay technique. You have to know his future in-laws to get this. :-) It's a special day for both of them and this would impact that day and the planning of it in ways I can't begin to describe. Besides, I'm in no real hurry to do this now that I've made the decision. It's made, I'm doing it; it's just a matter of timing now.

I am sad but not overwhelmingly so. It's normal to feel sad after 34 years, I believe.

7, I missed you too, Girlfriend.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
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