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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They offered my H to take the rest of today off from work and he was so bored he passed it up.

He's showing me he's serious about getting sober.

He told me he just might be able to make it to the meeting. I hope so...


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi momofthree,

Like the others have said, we're all walking beside you, hoping you can find clarity for yourself and your kids...and that your husband is committed to recovery.

Try not to tackle too much -- just take each day as it comes. You can't know the outcome so just make the best decision you can at each stage based on the information you have. That's all any of us can ever do...

Good luck with everything. We're rooting for you.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kitticat,

His response doesn't surprise me at all. Many addicts have spent enormous amounts of energy convincing themselves that what they're doing isn't "that bad". My husband was convinced that, as long as I didn't find out, what harm was there?? It's insane...but it's part of the addict's thought process. They tell themselves they can stop and some even do for a while. They tell themselves that, because there's no emotional component, it's not really cheating. They tell themselves that no-one's getting hurt.

Once they face all that, the shame and guilt overwhelms them. I remember the day my husband faced up to what he had done to all these women. Admittedly many of them were as messed up as he -- but he realized that he had completely used these people to satisfy himself physically. He had absolutely no interest in them as human beings and he felt sick with himself. He's a compassionate, generous person -- but the addict part of him simply didn't care who these people were, they were nothing to him.

Sad on so many levels...



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks eternaloptimist.

Like I said, so far, today has been better.

My H and I haven't had a fight in avout 2 days but I still feel hurt and it's going to take consistent effort on his part for me to trust him again.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After tonight, I won't be able to post much on here. Tomorrow I move back with my mother temporarily until I get my airline tickets to move with my H.

I'm not looking forward to that...

I'll have to stop posting on here until after I move because my family has no idea that he cheated on me and my mom might get suspicious if she sees me logging on here.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
kitticat
♀ Member
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, eternal. I appreciate your input, makes much more sense.

I am so glad that I have found this site, and this forum in particular. I have read so much in the past week here, and only now found the courage to post.

For those BS of SA's, beware of 2 sites that I found on our computer's history log on "D-Day". They are adult friend finders dot com which is a swinger's website and redbook dot com which is where prostitutes advertise. My husband used those 2 sites exclusively to find his sexual partners.

Soon after D-Day I installed a spy program on our computer so that I can monitor his activity, and knock on wood, he's been "clean" ever since D-day.


Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.
R

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kittycat,

I know those sites very well.

On Dday1, my FWH met OW1 through sexsearch dot com and on dday2, he met OW2 through adultfriendfinder.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
kitticat
♀ Member
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those sites made me physically ill, I got sick to my stomach viewing the "ads" placed on the AFF site, and I even found my husband's "ad" on AFF. I made him delete his profile, and terminate his membership as I stood behind him at the computer. He was absolutely mortified, and very very ashamed of himself.

I even went as far as to create a fake membership so I could do a search for the women that he "met up" with.


Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.
R

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have the stomach to look any further into those sites.

On dday2, my H willingly deleted his AFF account right in front of me.

Do your kids know about it? If so, how are they handling it? I see they're grown.

In my case, my kids are still little and as long as my H and I are trying to work on our M, we won't tell them... at least not until they're mature enough to understand...

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 10:26 PM, February 27th (Friday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
kitticat
♀ Member
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our children are grown, out of the house, and since we are staying together and still care deeply for each other, there's no reason for them to know what their father did all those years.

They could tell something was wrong at the time...since I was such a wreck, but I made up something about a disagreement we were having.

They love their father deeply, and he has been a wonderful father to them, I don't want to hurt that relationship.


Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.
R

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kittycat,

that's just the way I feel.

Unless my H are separated/divorced, my H and I aren't telling our kids, nor our families.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome kitticat,
I'm sorry you find yourself here but this group is great.

We are all pretty familiar with all the nasty sites out there, especially AFF. Read my profile.

Would you like a list of resources? Books you should read? Websites etc? I post it so often I have a list all typed up and ready to copy and paste for anyone who needs it. Just let me know.

Has your husband admitted he is a SA? Is he seeing a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist)? Is he working a recovery program/is he sober? In your signature it says FSA? What does the F stand for?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This could be my last post for a while since I'm moving to my parents' house temporarily.

I might post again if I get a chance to but since nobody in my family knows about my H's addiction nor about his cheating, they can't see me coming to this site.

I might as well say that this morning I woke up just as depressed as ever after having a fight with my H again over last weekend.

He uses the old worn out "stress" excuse. He's still seeking help. I don't think we'll be getting the ideal help since he insists on doing this on a budget but I guess MC and the SA meetings will be better than no help.

MC will most likely be available to us on base free of charge but I don't know about IC or him seeing a CSAT. At this point a CSAT is out of the question because there aren't any near his area.

To any of you who believe in prayer, I'd appreciate them because this is going to be a rough week.

Thanks for the support.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 8:19 AM, February 28th (Saturday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck, momofthree --I hope everything goes well with the move. Hang in there!

Re: adult websites, yeah, when I recovered from my shock enough to start moving around again, I started researching into all those, and I made up a fake profile on AFF also, to see if I could find my H's profile. I couldn't find it, because he doesn't post pictures, and there was so many to look thru, but the whole time I do that stuff, it just makes my stomach hurt so badly, I eventually quit. And I had to take my profile off, as I was getting dozens of men a day wanting to be my "friend". I put in my profile the kinds of stuff my H would like, to see if it would make it easier to find, and apparently there are a lot of guys that like that stuff. It is actually sad kind of, that there are so many people looking for something to fill them up inside that will only make them more empty.

I don't have to worry about it anymore, since I am working on a D, and I know in my heart that I am done. But, I am surprised to find things still hurt, even though I know I am done.

I just found our charge card bill, and he charged $500 worth of groceries last month on there. He keeps $150 a week out in cash for groceries. Who goes thru that much groceries for one person? I don't even use that much for me and 3 kids. So apparently he has been using the cash for other stuff, and since he hasn't mentioned anything to me, first thing I thought was:

How many BJ's does $500 buy?

I don't understand why this still hurts so bad, when I know I am done. I guess I just trusted him so long, and old habits die hard, even knowing he is ill, and can't control himself as he is not in recovery and has no intention of it, it still just makes me feel bad, that he would lie so much to me.

AT least, just one more thing that helps me realize I am doing the right thing, by not moving in with him and exposing my daughter to his crap.

Important question:

What do I tell my kids? They are dd 10, ds 16, ds 18, dd 20.

They all thought he was a great guy. My youngest knows something is wrong because she caught me crying on the phone with him. I told her we were having a disagreement. She asked over what? I try so hard to be honest with her, her dad is a pathological lying sociopath, so she has to trust someone, and has no tolerance for even the teensiest lies because of this, so I just told her I found out he was doing some things I didn't like, and he was having a hard time being truthful about it. That is probably how I will phrase it to her, she doesn't need to know details, but I think it is okay for her to know trust is paramount in a relationship.

Man, I hate this crap.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, kitticat. I'm sorry that you find yourself here. Yes, I know about AFF, and I did the profile there, too. 3 of the 4 ONSs were from there and one was from Ashley Madison. I hadn't heard of the other ones.

((((NA)))) I'm so very sorry. I don't think it's easy at all, even if you know it's for the best. I think what you told your youngest was very good. She can know more later if she wants but definitely try to protect her innocence now.

mom, good luck with the move and everything. I hope your SAH can get to meetings and work on his recovery.

Well, I had an interesting email exchange with my IC. He used to be out MC but after finding out about the ONS we don't do MC anymore and he's counseling me. It seems that my SAH's IC has said some inappropriate things and it's like there are sides my H/his IC and me/my IC. It stinks. But we are not going to be dealing with it anymore because his IC is moving! Just like that and he didn't even tell my H!! Something is not right.

So I'm not sure what is going to be happening with my H anymore in regards to therapy. My IC did say that he was skeptical about my H's IC approach if it were going to work and it hasn't. My H definitely needs some major work. Not the maintenance/support type from SA group. He needs so re-working of his inner core.

So this is not fun for me to have to deal with. I found out that my SAH has relapsed on Tues, for no apparent reason. He just went on a porn site. sigh. He wasn't even stressed, lonely or anything. This does have me greatly concerned. But my IC thinks that it's partly his IC's fault for not equipping him properly for travel. I just don't know what to think.

I'm staying out of the whole C mess. I'm just going to work on me and not worry about that any longer. It's not an issue really anymore because his IC is leaving anyway. My IC does know his IC as mine is his supervisor, so this is just all weird.

So that's my update. I'm left confused and hurting and wondering if this marriage will ever work out because I just don't know what it's going to take for him to actually get recovery.

I just hope this whole IC mess doesn't mess up his view on getting C in the future.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hope4tomorrow))) I'm sorry you have to deal with your H's relapse. I know that a lot of people who deal with this say that relapses are common, because it is kind of like two steps forward and one step back, but I'm glad you are working on you.

Your counseling situation is very strange! I guess it is a good thing his IC is leaving, especially if he had said inappropriate things, and it didn't seem to be working very well. Is his counselor a CSAT? I do know that makes a big difference, because my IC is really good, and I like her a lot, but I don't think she has the necessary tools to help someone like my H. She is good for me though.

Has he ever thought of doing the 12 steps in SA? I went to COSA for a few months, and was working the steps for codependency, and they do actually help.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, no he is not seeing a CSAT. The closest one is 200 miles away. Not feasible. His IC was an SA himself but recovered and recently became a counselor. I don't think it helped my H much with his SA.

He is doing the 12 steps but he just started again in Dec or Jan. I don't remember. I think he's still doing step 1 with his sponsor. It's a very big book so it takes some time.

Our MC/my IC does know a lot about SA so I trust what he says. I don't think he's a CSAT but did get his masters in addiction and has done a ton of research in SA. He told me today that he actually met Patrick Carnes in the past and said he was one of his trainers.

So I don't know what he's going to say about what is best for my H. I don't know what kind of therapy he's going to need or how we can afford it but he needs some help. My IC is currently seeing me for free. He is such a blessing to me and I know that I will get well.

So anyway, not sure what is going to happen. I know that there are relapses in recovery. It's just been 3 months now and I told myself 6 months and then re-evaluate. So I'm giving it until the end of the school year and then we'll see what is going to happen. If I do see some progress, I'll continue to stay but I really want him to at least get a 30 day sobriety token before then.

My IC said that he uses Carnes/Adlerian model when he does SA counseling and what my H's IC was using was more maintenance/support. I'm going to look up what the other model is.

Anyway, thanks for the response. I felt so icky about it last night but after we emailed again today, I felt so much better. We're not going to worry about his IC anymore because it doesn't matter.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
kitticat
♀ Member
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsbetrayed, Thank you for your kind words. No, my husband did not go to individual counseling, he quit cold turkey on D-Day, he was a wreck because I found out, and judging from his response and actions he will stay clean. He even has said the thought now repulses him. We went through MC, which helped us both.

He has sworn that he can never do put us through that pain again, and I believe him.

I monitor everything on our computer, so I know for a fact that he has been clean since D-Day.


Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.
R

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope4tomorrow
Our MC/my IC does know a lot about SA so I trust what he says. I don't think he's a CSAT but did get his masters in addiction and has done a ton of research in SA. He told me today that he actually met Patrick Carnes in the past and said he was one of his trainers.

I think the most obvious answer here is that your husband needs to be treated by your IC and you should find someone else. If your IC has that much experience and knowledge he is the one to treat your husband. Heck, if the counselor thinks he can do it and not have it be a conflict you should both see him if you're comfortable with that. The key here is that the SA needs the counselor with the most experience and best track record if you can't find a CSAT. Just my opinion of course.

kitticat
Have you done any research on SA? Read any books? Like "Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Spouses of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes or "Don't Call It Love" by Dr Patrick Carnes?

Do you understand what full sobriety entails?

In my opinion, your husband is "white knuckling" it and you're his accountability partner and babysitter. That's not a very healthy situation for either of you. He needs help if he wants to stay sober and you need help to overcome your codependent behaviors.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life monitoring everything he does to make sure he doesn't act out again?

(I'm very blunt and I don't sugar coat things. I get right to the point but please know this comes from a place of caring and concern and wanting to help others.)
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 4:25 PM, February 28th (Saturday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very blunt and I don't sugar coat things. I get right to the point but please know this comes from a place of caring and concern and wanting to help others.)

7yrs, that is what we love about you!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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