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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 years----you said this:
"He screws around again and I'm gone. Period."

Has he friend?

Do you have a job where you can afford to kick him out should he once again slip?

See, I am not yet at this point where I have the means to support myself and our children. I guess if I was, I certainly would not have stood for all this this long. It's a shame when so many women are counting on their (supposed Christian men) to be Christian men, when they're clearly not; rather they're immoral, indecenent men, living in porn and immorality.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 7 yrs. betrayed:

HOW honestly are you doing today? You give such great advice on here to all of us, but I'd really like to know from someone who's been there, how are you?????? Has your marriage improved??? How has your marriage improved by your staying with your SA hubby?

Would very much love to hear from you.

God Bless


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there friend 7 yrs.

You have said: once again, in answer to my questions this:

"First and foremost the SA should have his own boundaries and consequences. My rSA (recovering SA) has his own set of boundaries / behaviors / consequences and that is vital. The SA should be working a program and have two lists; "boundary behaviors*" and "bottom line behaviors**" and have self imposed consequences for violating those. (Although I just discussed this with my rSA and he said that if an SA is only going to SA or SAA he may only have a "bottom line" list. I personally think my rSA's approach is much better.)"

Now my questions to you:

1) HAS YOUR RECOVERING SA HUSBAND DONE ALL HE CAN DO?

2) IS HE IN RECOVERY? IN SA?

3) HOW MANY TIMES IN YOUR MARRIAGE HAS HE SLIPPED AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ABOUT IT?

4) DO YOU 100% TRUST HIM TODAY?

I, for one would really like to hear your answers. Thanks so much.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll chip in with my two cents. 7years, as usual, has given good advice to those who are just finding this site or still struggling with spouses in denial.

To the newbies,

Yes, I know exactly how it feels to find out that your entire relationship has been built on lies. And I know exactly how it feels to not want to live. After months of resistance, I finally went on ADs, which have helped. And time -- that "four-letter word" as it's often referrred to on this site -- will work wonders. Please be assured that whatever path your life takes from here, you will live to laugh again and to "find" yourself in the midst of all this. "Out of great suffering, comes great lessons."

NaiveAgain,
Your husband is a master manipulator. He's managing to convince you that YOU'RE killing HIM. Huh?????? He chose the behaviour, he chose the consequences. Unfortunately, he doesn't want you making him feel bad about what he's done. His "break" from you is so that he doesn't -- for a week anyway -- have to really acknowledge how painful his actions have been. All that bullshit about letting it go is just crazy. You're perfectly sane -- he's making you feel crazy. I've been there and it really does make you question everything you think you know. It has taken me two years, but I'm so much clearer on what's being said to me versus what is REALLY being said to me.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pebbles - thank you for the bible reference. He is going to get that page in the mail, with that section highlighted, he grew up in a pretty religious home, and his brother-in-law is a church elder. I'm tired of him lying in the name of God or Jesus.

Eternaloptimist:

Your husband is a master manipulator
Thank you for writing that. I need to keep telling myself over and over, because he is very very good. He has always said he would make a great politican. I just didn't realize he would use that crap on me, that is not my definition of love.

All that bullshit about letting it go is just crazy. You're perfectly sane -- he's making you feel crazy
Yup. Not gonna let it go, I doubt he will be happy with me when he calls back in a week. He totally had me feeling I was being too hard on him, but neither one of us could pinpoint anything I actually said that was awful--he just kept up with the vagarities, but no specifics. But I am starting to realize (with everyone's help here) that he is not really working on it, even though he may be thinking about his childhood, and telling me how he is saying no to ppv, same bunch of lies he told me before, just in prettier wrapping paper.

ETA: If he spent half as much time on really trying to heal and getting help as he does on scheming on how to manipulate me and the rest of the world, he would probably be pretty far into recovery at this time.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:36 PM, February 21st (Saturday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In answer to Ingrid's inquisition.
7 years----you said this:
"He screws around again and I'm gone. Period."
Has he friend?

No, he has not. He hasn't physically cheated on me in almost 4 years. He's been in recovery for about 3 years. He has been sober for about 2.5 years. (And when I say sober, I mean SOBER. He has not masturbated or done anything that would cause him to reset his sobriety.) He goes to IC with a CSAT every other week. He goes to group every week. He makes multiple phone calls to members of his group every week and always makes calls if he is struggling emotionally so that he won't slip. He's working the steps. He gave his first step again recently in group because when he did it initially there were only two other guys in group. So his CSAT (who also facilitates his group) asked him to give it again and to update it. That was really good for him. We go to marriage counseling about every other month or so just to keep things fine tuned. He has not broken any bottom line behaviors. (All that said, this is pretty rare. Most SAs do not have this kind of success right out of the blocks and most do not go 2+ years without so much as a slip. My rSA has been working very hard on his recovery and I'm very proud of him.)
Do you have a job where you can afford to kick him out should he once again slip?

Nope. We are self employed (and totally BROKE) but I haven't actually worked since before our daughter was born, he is a one man operation. And he owns our house (my name is not on it, he bought it before we met) But I'll figure it out. I do have my parents (and siblings) here in town and I would take my daughter and go there in a heartbeat if he cheated again. Living with my parents would be torture (seriously, there were times when staying with my husband not sober seemed like a better option) but part of setting that boundary is being willing to do whatever it takes to follow through on the consequences I've set. SURRENDERING THE OUTCOME. The outcome sucks. I don't want to mooch off my parents or friends or siblings. I don't particularly want to get a job, I enjoy being a SAHM. But I would live with my parents or my best friend or anyone willing to take us in and I would find a job or go on welfare or WHATEVER IT TAKES.
See, I am not yet at this point where I have the means to support myself and our children. I guess if I was, I certainly would not have stood for all this this long.

If you are not able to leave then don't leave. YOUR consequence does not have to be leaving him. MY consequence is leaving but you have to find a consequence that works for you. I did not mean to imply that you should leave if you're not able or willing to do so. You asked me what MY consequences were and I answered you, I didn't tell you to set the same consequences! Set a different consequence. Do what is best for YOU. (This is another example of your codependence. You wanted me to supply consequences for you and when MY consequences didn't fit, you got upset. No one can do this for you Ingrid, YOU have to do this.)
It's a shame when so many women are counting on their (supposed Christian men) to be Christian men, when they're clearly not; rather they're immoral, indecenent men, living in porn and immorality.

Well, you're entitled to your opinion of course but in my case that doesn't apply. We're secular humanists. Being Christian or not, has nothing to do with it for us. And again, you really need to be careful about making blanket statements condemning all SAs. You can say whatever you want about YOUR husband. I don't feel my husband is immoral or indecent. He has an addiction. He chooses to walk the path to recovery, but even if he didn't I wouldn't say he was immoral or indecent, just ill.
Dear 7 yrs. betrayed:

HOW honestly are you doing today?


Today I'm very sad. My aunt is dying. And I'm having some PTS triggers because of it. Another of my aunts died the day before my final DDay. Her death got all wrapped up with finding out for certain that my husband had physically cheated on me. It's been a rough day. My husband has been there for me. Holding me when I cried. Listening to me talk it out. Being wonderful and supportive. Encouraging me to go with my parents to another state to say goodbye if that's what I needed to do. Assuring me that he'd do whatever he had to do to help.
You give such great advice on here to all of us, but I'd really like to know from someone who's been there, how are you??????

Overall, I'm good. There are struggles of course, no one has a perfect life. We very much want another child but I just had another miscarriage at the end of January. (I got a positive HPT the first day of my "late" period but when I tested again each day after that they were negative and I ultimately started my period over 6 days "late." I was briefly pregnant but lost it. Probably a blighted ovum.) So infertility is a struggle for us. I struggle with being obese. I struggle with depression. I struggle with working on my family of origin issues in IC. That's some pretty deep shit and it's hard work. I don't struggle with my husband or his recovery. He is doing great and that is HIS stuff. If he struggles he depends on his group and his CSAT. (The spouse should never, ever, ever, ever be an accountability partner.) I don't have to spend my time obsessing about it because I see him working his recovery every day. I don't have to ask, it's apparent.
Has your marriage improved???

Absolutely. We renewed our vows on the 10th anniversary of our first kiss (Dec 19, 2008).
How has your marriage improved by your staying with your SA hubby?

Well, first let me correct you. My husband is a RECOVERING SA. If he was not in recovery we wouldn't be together or our marriage would be in the shit hole. Now, since he is a rSA and he is sober and we've worked hard at our marriage it is better than ever. We've been together a total of 10 years (married 7) The first 6.5 years of our relationship he was an active addict. He was emotionally distant. He was emotionally abusive. Oh and he was cheating on me! I was crazy and codependent. How could it not improve? There is nowhere to go but up from where we were even 2 years ago. (Of course that is solely dependent on him being in recovery, it could and would have gotten much worse had he not gotten into recovery.) So, I can't answer the question as asked because I didn't stay with an ACTIVE sex addict, I stayed with a RECOVERING sex addict. So, if the question were: "How has your marriage improved since your husband has been sober and in recovery?" I would say this:
The breakthrough in our marriage came less than a year ago. I realized that I could separate the SA from the man. I looked at him across the table (we were out to eat at the time) and I realized that being a SA does not define him. All the things I love about him, all the things that drew me to him have always been there. Our relationship was not a lie. He told lies. Many lies. He betrayed my trust. But that doesn't mean that everything was a lie. He loves me. He wants me. He stayed with me. He chose sobriety. He chose to fight for our marriage. So, I'm sitting there and I'm realizing how deeply I love him and I begin to question it because he's a sex addict and because he betrayed me. So I mentally picked up the SA and I sat it aside and I looked at him, just HIM, not the SA, not anything else. HIM. The man I love. His sense of humor. His kindness. His talent. His parenting. Just him. I love him.

Now, here is the breakthrough part. I mentally picked the SA up and put it back in. I looked at him with his flaws. With his weaknesses. With his struggles. With his lifelong addiction. This imperfect man who hurt me so deeply but who has worked so hard to repair that hurt and to become a better man. My feelings didn't change. I love him. I trust him and his sobriety and I choose him, SA and all. He is not perfect and neither am I.

1) HAS YOUR RECOVERING SA HUSBAND DONE ALL HE CAN DO?

That a pretty broad and sweeping question. ALL he can do? ALL? Gosh, I don't know. Probably not. Do you do ALL you can do EVERY day? I don't. I'm not perfect. And I don't expect him to be perfect. As to what he is doing, see my answer to question #2.

2) IS HE IN RECOVERY? IN SA?

Have you not read my profile or my signature or gee, ANY of my posts? Apparently not, so I will answer your question very clearly.
*He is in recovery and has been for almost 3 years.
*He is SOBER (completely sober which includes not masturbating) and has been for 2.5 years
*He goes to IC with a CSAT every other week.
*He attends group (instead of Sexaholics Anonymous) every week. (His group is facilitated by his CSAT)
*He is working a non-religious version of the 12 steps and his CSAT is his "sponsor."
*He is working in a workbook required for his group.
*He is making daily phone calls to members of his group.
*He has very clearly defined 'boundary behaviors' and 'bottom line behaviors' and he works hard at his recovery and his sobriety (which are two different things) every day.
3) HOW MANY TIMES IN YOUR MARRIAGE HAS HE SLIPPED AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ABOUT IT?

The term "slipped" describes a SA who was sober but broke his sobriety. My rSA has never broken his sobriety or "slipped." If you want to know what he did before he got sober, it's all in my profile.
4) DO YOU 100% TRUST HIM TODAY?

No... not 100%.
99% would be more like it.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 2:05 AM, February 22nd (Sunday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he spent half as much time on really trying to heal and getting help as he does on scheming on how to manipulate me and the rest of the world, he would probably be pretty far into recovery at this time.

Yes, exactly. Listen to EO she nailed it.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 7yrs, also, for the response. Right now it seems to be very important to me to keep hearing over and over that he is the one that is sick, not me (except maybe in a codependent way). It is helping me tremendously with my perception, and helping me to get the strength to detach again. I will go to COSA again, but I think I am doing a pretty good job on detaching right now by myself (with the help from SI members); I have a renewed interest again in getting my job resume together and submitting it, and actually moving on in my mind. And seeing the bad with the good, instead of "romanticizing" him.

7yrs - also - I am sorry to hear about your aunt. And the triggering that goes along with it. And also your miscarriage. I know you are not religious, so I would like to send good thoughts and my support to you and your family. Thank you for posting your history; it helps to see how you have gone thru so much, and still come out the other side.

I think that is beautiful how you were able to look at your SA H and see the whole picture, and the good man that is underneath the addiction. Because none of us are perfect, and everyone has certain issues they struggle with. Some issue are just harder for us as spouses to deal with than others, but I am glad he is there for you emotionally, and is able to comfort you when you are grieving. That is no small thing.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 7yrs

You give hope, and strength and knowledge to me and I hope others feel the same sense of peace from you.

It is so comforting to know that we can do this.

We can choose life with our husbands in recovery and not regret it. We can choose not to stay and have no regrets.

You remind us that we have our choice and our own power.

If ever you have a day where you feel you've not accomplished enough, think about us here, or the next lost sad wife that comes here to read. You have helped, really really helped.

Because of your posts, I have never felt like a silly woman for wanting life with my SAH to work out.
With it the acceptance that it might not.

Thank you


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question for any of you who are D or divorcing currently...

What special protection can you provide for your children when X is a SA?

SD in my case was never diagnosed as that...and would never go to counseling to be professionally evaluated.

I just don't want him hurting my children anymore than he already has.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...duplicate post

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 12:51 PM, February 22nd (Sunday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badlyhurting...

This is something you need to discuss with your attorney. Each state has different levels of tolerance.

In our state, a parenting plan is required. In this plan, my attorney specifically addressed issues of porn, hook-up sites, internet, web-cams, strangers (craigslist/prostitues) alcohol, drugs, etc (all the things HE is involved in)...under *child safety*. He is not to engage in any of these behaviors while the children are in his care. Sadly, enforcing them is difficult...but not impossible. He can do all these things...as long as the kids are not in his care.

I have also addressed these issues with our *family counselor*. I needed someone to help me work with STBXH in co-parenting in a healthy, safe manner...for our children. I gave her the background on why we are where we are today. She is a mandatory reporter should something come up. Although she is not an expert on SA, she did say she felt STBXH's actions should be addressed by an expert. She also felt he needed to attend AA meetings. But he refuses to acknowledge his issues. I do not know if she has made any progress with him in regards to seeking treatment. Having a professional in the middle, helps.

My children need their father. He needs them. And as long as he keeps this 2nd life I have uncovered away from them, I will continue to send them off to him. He should not have a problem with this considering I didn't know for 15 1/2 years! But, I will protect them. And if I at all suspect his addictive life is at all being exposed to the children, I will come out fighting!

I know this most likely didn't help, but know you are not alone in your concern for the health and safety of the children. It's a very difficult position to be in.

Take care...

[This message edited by LisaP at 3:51 PM, February 22nd (Sunday)]


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2160 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs:

I really admire what you say here:

"I realized that I could separate the SA from the man. I looked at him across the table (we were out to eat at the time) and I realized that being a SA does not define him. All the things I love about him, all the things that drew me to him have always been there. Our relationship was not a lie. He told lies. Many lies. He betrayed my trust. But that doesn't mean that everything was a lie. He loves me. He wants me. He stayed with me. He chose sobriety. He chose to fight for our marriage. So, I'm sitting there and I'm realizing how deeply I love him and I begin to question it because he's a sex addict and because he betrayed me. So I mentally picked up the SA and I sat it aside and I looked at him, just HIM, not the SA, not anything else. HIM. The man I love. His sense of humor. His kindness. His talent. His parenting. Just him. I love him."

See, I guess I'm not at all there yet, separating the man from his behavior. The way I feel is a person is their behavior. Behavior shows the person. Heard the term: "actions speak louder than words". That's what I think. I do think though, your husband's actions lately have been most admirable. He's clearly so much of a better man now, and that's soooo neat!

I wish I could separtate the two, but I still don't see SA as an illness. I see it as a choice.

Still working on it though.

It's so great you two have come through to such a better place in your marriage.

Thanks for advising all of us.

God Bless


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years

I'm so sorry about your aunt. I'm sure it is a difficult time on so many levels. I'm happy for you that your husband is able to support you.

Thank-you also for your consistent honesty and candor on this site. You always maintain a tone of dignity and compassion and you help all of us see our way clear of the frequent confusion and misinformation around SA. And offer us hope for the day when we, too, can separate the addiction from the person we love.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yearsbetrayed,

I am terribly sorry about your aunt. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you for being the anchor of this thread. Your experience and candour has helped all of us who are struggling and at times losing hope.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

I can see that you have a lot of questions, the whats, whys and hows. You have progressed from being consumed with uncontrollable rage to recognizing your feelings and asking questions. You have in fact taken the first step in your recovery journey. You should congratulate yourself.

7yearsbetrayed is correct that your task now is to set your own boundaries and consequences - not my boundaries, not 7years' but yours. You are entitled to make decisions that are best in your circumstances.

Addiction is an illness. I believe I mentioned previously how a friend of mine, who was an alcoholic, would steal, lie and verbally abuse her husband. She refused all treatements, estranging from her own parents as a result. The second last time she got admitted to a hospital, the doctor warned her that the next time she returned, she would not leave, due to the extensive liver and kidney damage. She eventually died at home, with her husband beside her. I am in no way condoning her choices, but I know her as a person, as a young woman, as a human being. She is NOT immoral, uncaring or evil. She was an addict, and had made very bad choices, which eventually led to her own demise. We tend to have more understanding and empathy towards alcoholics, which has received more public attention and eduction, than sex addiction.

Note, none of us is condoning our SA's behaviours. All of us are holding them accountable. We all set boundaries (some more successful than others) to link behaviours with consequences. None of us will stay with our SA if they refuse to recognize there is a problem or refuse treatement. HOWEVER, that does not mean I can't see my husband with compassion, as a human being who suffers from a real illness, and who is trying the best he humanly knows how to recover and rebuild our marriage.

It may be helpful for you to see an IC. You will find that he or she may be able to steer your questions in a meaningful way.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Sad  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called in sick for half a day this morning, but I should be getting dressed to get my butt to work soon.

I am depressed. Utterly depressed. I feel fatigued and teary, and I am enveloped in a dull feeling of misery. Every morning, I wake up thinking/hearing/seeing triggers. Because my husband's work involved him meeting tons of beautiful and younger female clients every day, and he met a few of the OWs from work during his acting out days, I fear every day that he would relapse. His going to work is a trigger in itself! I go to bed tired and wake up more tired.

I recognize this is my depression talking. I normally feel more stable and hopeful. I also know that's what boundaries and consequences are - to set them, then let go of the control. I rationally know that, I do. It's just hard sometimes.

I have so far resisted taking AD. For every two people who tell me ADs helps, there is one person who has been harmed by them. My doctor has prescribed Ratio-Citalopram (citalopram) two months ago and the full bottle is still sitting on my bedside table. Does any of you have good (or bad) experiences with ADs?

Thank you for listening. Just to be able to talk and know that I am understood have made me feel better. I have to drag myself to work now. In the meatime, I know this too shall pass and I know this is my depression talking. Take care everyone. You are my only friends.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just when I thought my H's slip ups were a thing of the past and we were successfully R'd he admits that he e-mailed other women.

You see, my H is in the Army. We've been apart for a couple of weeks because I have to go through a lot of red tape to be able to move with him to where he's currently stationed, long story.

He hasn't physically cheated on me in over 2 years but he still struggles with his addiction. He was attending SA meetings before he enlisted last summer, but due to training he didn't have time to find a local meeting.

It's been almost 10 months since he last flirted with women online and that was before he attended the meetings.

He admitted to doing so again this weekend and asked me to give him the number to SA so he can find a local meeting where he's at now.

I'm feeling depressed because in the past I told him that all he had to do was have an online A and I would leave.

Well, the fact that this time he came clean before I could even catch him makes it difficult for me to do that.


So much for that because realistically I can't support my kids alone. I'm going to school now but I can't find a good job until I finish. I sure as heck don't want rely on the taxpayers. I'm sorry, I've been down that road and I don't want to go back.

I'm sure you'll all tell me I should leave him....

I don't know what to do.

I'm having a hard time functioning right now....


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, I guess I'm not at all there yet, separating the man from his behavior. The way I feel is a person is their behavior. Behavior shows the person. Heard the term: "actions speak louder than words". That's what I think. I do think though, your husband's actions lately have been most admirable. He's clearly so much of a better man now, and that's soooo neat!

I wish I could separtate the two, but I still don't see SA as an illness. I see it as a choice.


I felt that way for a long time too. I couldn't understand addiction versus just being a selfish asshole. That's why I said that being able to separate the man from the SA was a turning point in our marriage. The difference here is that your husband isn't sober and he's not in recovery. I don't think you'll ever be able to separate him from his illness as long as he's not sober. I don't think anyone can... frankly I don't think anyone should. Being an addict is not a choice but an unwillingness to face it and get sober is. That is my opinion. My rSA didn't know what SA was. He didn't know he was an addict. He knew that the things he was doing were wrong but he didn't know WHY he did them. He hated himself and he was deeply ashamed but he didn't know there was help available. Once SA was brought up and once he was able to face it (which did take a few months) then he made a choice. He chose recovery and sobriety. So while I disagree with you that being an addict is a choice I do feel that once the diagnosis is there the addict does make a choice, they choose the addiction or they choose recovery.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

birdwatch,
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Like you, I resisted ADs for a long time -- more than a year. I finally agreed to take them when I started envying someone I knew who was diagnosed with a terminal illness
My IC explained that chronic stress and trauma can actually change the chemistry of your brain so the depression becomes something physiological. I couldn't exercise, read, yoga, meditate or will my way out of it.
I'm certainly not suggesting one way or the other -- I think you need to decide. But I too had heard stories about how they'd affected people badly. But my experience has been positive. In fact, I'm talking with my IC about weaning myself off.

Is there something you need from your husband to feel "safer" about his work/women? I know it helped me to just be reassured by my husband -- I just needed acknowledgement that I had fears and reassurance that they were unfounded.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
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