Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness - this thread is really moving fast these days!

Just checking in - so sorry for the pain so many are in.

Yesterday a new IC/MC CSAT counselor reminded me that betrayal is one of the worst hurts any of us ever experience. I cried. Again.

Please, each of you, do something nice for yourself today to take care of yourself!


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

Thanks for your honesty in addressing Ingrid's posts. I think you speak for many of us -- me, at least.

Ingrid,
My mom was an alcoholic. She began drinking when I was 9 when my father was having an EA. She didn't stop drinking until I was 19 -- and by then she'd humiliated me numerous times, been tossed into detox where I'd had to pick her up, tried twice to kill herself, spent months and months in various psychiatric facilities, gone temporarily blind due to mixing so many pharmaceuticals with alcohol... I could go on. My life, in short, was a nightmare.
She started in AA when I was 19 and stopped drinking...for good. She had been sober 25 years when she died two years ago. You could ask why I continued to speak with her and include her in my life. She'd hurt me, embarrassed me, left me to raise myself essentially as a child. I could argue that she didn't deserve my love, my compassion, my forgiveness. But at some point -- and it took a long time of healing on my part -- I understood that she had an addiction, a powerful addiction that turned her into someone I didn't know and made her ashamed of the things she did. She was overwhelmed by such pain and simply hadn't learned any other way of coping (both her parents were alcoholics). If I had turned my back on her, I would have missed out on a relationship that is one of the most treasured of my life. She was the wisest, kindest, most loyal person I know -- and I'm privileged to have called her my mother.
I'm not quite there with my husband, but I'm getting there. He, too, has an addiction. People don't CHOOSE an addiction, it chooses them...and it chooses those who are vulnerable to its power. People from shame-based families, poor boundaries, pain that they simply don't believe they can handle and an inability to cope in a healthy way.
To overcome addiction takes enormous courage and strength. It takes a willingness to hope you're worth better, even when you don't believe it.
I have watched people battle addiction successfully and they have my respect and my compassion.I realize that I'm not better than they, I'm simply better equipped to handle life's pain -- thanks in large part to watching my mother get sober.
That's why I stay. "There but for the grace of God, go I."

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EO,

I am sobbing. You have put so eloquently into words what so many of us feel.

Thank you.

I would only like to add that the work and challenge of loving someone with an addiction enables me to grow into a person that I could never imagine I could be.

OLB


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Eternaloptimist)))
I'm sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother. You are so right, and I guess that is what I was trying to get to, the addiction is not the person. It is just a disease (a very ugly one, that can make it hard to live with), and sometimes, you do have to bail and save yourself, but I will stay as long as there is hope.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re. my post: I am, in no way, implying that anyone should stay in a relationship with an addict. We all must respect ourselves enough to do what is best for us -- whatever that might be. I was a child and had no choice. I did, however, want to make the point that there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution for anyone in a relationship with an addict. We all make choices for any number of reasons -- and, in the case of my mother, I ultimately benefited from having her in my life.
This can be such a tough haul -- that I hope we can all respect each other's struggles and choices, support each other and -- occasionally -- challenge each other when doing so can help each other grow.
OLB -- your point re. growing personally through pain is a pertinent one. Shakespeare said "Storms make better sailors."
Though, frankly, I think I'm sailing just fine right now so I hope the Gods will call off any future suffering they might have in store for me!!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Eternal Optimist)

It is so easy to sway to the emotions and the addiction. Your words of reason bring me some peace today.

As I started to break from codependence this impacted my H (hence the escalation of control and anger and threat). Had it not been for needing to remove the kids from the situation there is a good chance that I would still be with H and fighting for him. I married for life and never thought I would do this.

I think it is wonderful most days that many of you have stayed and are healing and still letting your H know that you will support him moving toward recovery. There are some days I think you are nuts for staying (but those days are few).

I wish him luck on his journey every night (a psychologist suggestion at letting go of what I can not control).


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. Things are going ok here. My SAH had a bump in the road and I'm proud of the way that I handled myself and didn't get all freaked out and let all the bad emotions flood in again. I hope that I was able to communicate to him so that it will sink in that he has to be completely honest with me. I hate the lies, be it purposely or lying by ommission. It drives me crazy.

I'm feeling scared right now because he's going to start traveling for work very soon. He's supposed to go on the 23rd. I don't know if he has strong enough boundaries yet. He didn't have any before. I know that if he even looks for someone to connect with or have a ONS then I'm done. Finished. I can't handle that. So I'm a bit of a wreck right now thinking about things.

He is such a sweet person. I hate that this addiction is destroying our lives.

Hugs to those that need them. This is just such a horrible sickness that we've had dumped on our lives.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It does make it so much easier to bear this weight.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"(Mind you this is coming from someone put up with slips for six years until it consumed him.)"

Dear grownup:

Are you still putting up with it? I hope not.

God Bless


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for putting up with my yes,rage, still apparent after 9 months. I would have hoped I could have gotten over it, but it's obvious I haven't. A lot of it is because I DO NOT have a repentent husband, like many of you have. When I caught him, kicked his ass out, he just la de dah, packed and left, continuing to act unfaithfully with his stripper of choice. YCCH.

Still, now, today, he is not in recovery,not getting help, not even thinking he needs help. I just cannot deal with this. And every time I mention it, he verbally abuses me. It's not like he says: "oh honey I am so sorry for my affair, I'm really trying to overcome my problem, etc."......not one bit. He flips it off as if it's nothing.

The result: I feel used and abused, not cherished or loved. I feel terrible.

Today I contacted his doctor he's been seeing for some issues, telling her about stuff. NOW, I am totally paranoid CPS will come to my door, and take the kids, remove my husband, (not ready for that yet) ---or something drastic will happen, like the police at my door or something. GASP! We went thru this once before in August when he went back to the strip joint, after he promised, (crying) apologizing, he would not. This incident really broke my heart,as I trusted him ((again)). I cannot take any more incidences of betrayal. I don't think God means for marriage to be this way.

Pray for me if you all will. I am scared of the future. Even this next week of the future. But at the same time, it will be a relief, in some way. I do not want to go for the next 20 years like this.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ingrid!
Nope, I don't put up with it anymore.

At the time I knew so little about it except that it was an illness. I had married for life and wouldn't abandon him if it had been leukemia for example. But, as time went on ...no remorse, escalating behavior, me giving empty threats and then I was caught in full codependence. I was addicted to helping him. I'm still addicted to him at this early point but I believe I am doing really well at not acting on it. Why, you ask? They are 9 and 11 and they will not be the third generation if I can help it. My son and daughter will know how to treat him/herself and how to treat his/her partner. They will learn what true intimacy and good communication are like between adults and what behavior is unacceptable to put up with. This is a long road though because I have already taught them the opposite accidently. He can't offer them any of those qualities that every child has the right to (at least not yet) so that is why I am letting go.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hope))) I'm sending good thoughts and prayers to you and your H, and extra strength for him on his trip.

Ingrid, it is okay, We know it is not personal, but is just coming from pain. This is such a painful thing to deal with. I don't think anything else in my entire life has hurt so badly. Have you read up about the addiction? It can help you take it not so personal, the things he is doing. (I know that is hard, and like my little breakdown the other day when I called him, sometimes it still feels personal).

But, most of the time, I can look at him and see his emptiness inside, and it makes me sad. That is a painful way to live, to not be able to connect with another person in a deep and satisfying way, to never be able to trust another with your innermost thoughts, to feel so disconnected from life. That doesn't excuse him, and it doesn't make it painfree for me. It just is what it is.

I didn't think my SAh would ever admit a problem. I have been going to COSA to help disconnect, because I am codependent on him, and started taking necessary steps for me, such as making a job resume, and emotionally detaching, because I felt I would have to leave, because I won't stay with someone who has this illness and just will never get it.

I was shocked when he called and admitted his problem, and asked me if I would give him some time. It plays hard with my emotions, because I was working on detaching, and now I am caught up again. I have to start detaching a bit again, in case he isn't so sincere, or in case he just can't. But I still have hope for him.

My anger was terrible, the first few months. Even though I knew not to take it personal, I did. I called him terrible names on the general forum, when I vented. I told everyone what I thought of him, and some of the things he did, and it helped, to get support from others, and to have my anger validated. I also put on some pretty hard songs and scream along in the car. And when he is not home, I walk around the house muttering cusswords at him. (I am not a cusser, so cussing actually works good for me, since it is not something I normally do).

Do you have any support groups around, that you could go to, like COSA or S-anon? They can really help. Or at least join one online.

You know, it has to be an illness, if he can't give it up for the sake of the children. It affects their brain, it is worse than giving up cigarettes, and my H can't do that either. They usually say it takes rock bottom for an addict to really take a look at things.

For my H, it was when he really got it that he was losing us.

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself (a lot of us lose ourselves in this type of relationship)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Ingrid)))

I know your pain. To understand the science try looking at thesexaddictedbrain
website. There are a couple of really good articles by Dr. Sarah Ullman that help it make some sense.

You are still caught in controlling (I still have lots of that too) and it is making it worse as you torture yourself over what you can't control and that you can't make him "wake up". I can't either and it kills me that he is screwing the children up more by not discussing major topics with me or the child psychologist first. It was put to me like this...we can be unhealthy at the same time and make things worse for the children and me or... I think you know where that goes. Love you, Ingrid


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ingrid))))

It's so difficult to have an unrepentent partner.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a place for a boundary, ladies. If you are in the mood for advances from him, go for it. If you are not, but you say to yourself "Hells bells, not what I had in mind but who knows when he's ever going to be in the mood again - so what the heck" you are betraying yourself.

If your not in the mood because you don't feel safe, don't let yourself be used as his sexual outlet. If you're fooling yourself into believing that by never turning him down, maybe he'll want you more, well, how's that been working for you.

It made me feel like I was being used when I did this. And I was. And I was allowing it. Further, it helped H with the lie he told himself that our sex life was normal. None of these are good things.

I'm gonna pull a quote from a pm 7yrs sent me about healthy attachmet in a relationship, I hope she doesn't mind but it is very helpful, I think:

Should I tell him no sex unless intimacy improves?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You wrote: Should I tell him no sex unless intimacy improves?

This is your relationship. How do you feel? What do you want? Are you putting the sexual relationship all in his hands?

If you want sex you can say it.
ie. Fred, I really enjoy sex and I really have enjoyed a sexual relationship with you. My problem is that the whole reason I am in a relationship in the first place is so that sex has intimacy to it. I can get great sex anywhere. I want great sex with you and the guy inside your head. I want your body, brain and heart all in bed with me at the same time (or the couch or the table or the closet...)

[This message edited by grownup at 2:27 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you putting the sexual relationship all in his hands?

What a great way to phrase it Grownup.
That is exactly what I had been doing and I did not even realize it.

My SAH is about halfway through 90 days, just did his first step, and has really started to become more open and vulnerable.
He is struggling with feeling closer to me (through a little more honesty) and desiring a renewed sexual relationship but he knows it isn't intimate enough, yet.

We were both having a hard time articulating exactly what he/I feel he is dealing with.

I really enjoy sex and I really have enjoyed a sexual relationship with you. My problem is that the whole reason I am in a relationship in the first place is so that sex has intimacy to it. I can get great sex anywhere. I want great sex with you and the guy inside your head. I want your body, brain and heart all in bed with me at the same time (or the couch or the table or the closet...)

Perfect and succinct, not a strength for me! Thank you.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a great way to put it, grownup!

Also, I think what they are saying, is you don't have to have sex, just because he wants it. If you are not into it right now, you have the right to refuse.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EO, I can relate to feelings of embarrassment. When my grandpa is talking to a lady, he sticks his hands in his pants. This is in public. It was especially embarassing when I was younger, now I try to ignore it. Either he's complimenting them besides, making inappropriate jokes with them (it's most fun when they participate I imagine), or sticking his hands in his pants. Sooo weird. My mom said he did that when she was little,too.

His stash is embarassing in itself. Everyone has gotten into it even as children.

I hate when he introduces his girlfriends to his family. My grandma doesn't see what's going on, but we do.

Grownup, that's a great way to put it. For the past year, sex has definitely been in his hands. Not only when we do it, but what we do. If I ask him to do something or trying something, it's usually a big fat no. I feel like we have ONS sex. I'm not sure what I want. I think I want to go on a hiatus, but that's happening anyway. Sometimes I think I don't want to ever have sex with him again. It's probably been at least a month since he's last seem me naked. Sometimes I think I really want to have sex with him, but we do and I pray that it ends soon. Luckily, my wish is usually granted.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 6:15 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, the wife of a SA, just has had it! I don't know where to turn anymore.

We've (I've tried) for years to deal with this issue in our marriage to no avail, and I am ready to turn in the towel friends.

My SA husband continues to deny he has a problem; And it is never ending. He denies everything; even though I caught some Youtube videos recently indiscreet I might add.

I don't think he'll ever change.

Today, I woke with a feeling like I must have hubby take me to said strip club, to, once and for all, meet face to face his stripper which he's been obsessed, and had an affair with for the past year. We tried to go there several times, she was not present, and once we got kicked out actually. TODAY, I brought it up again to him; he had a fit and stormed out.

I really feel I need to see this woman of his obsession face to face, and to have him confront her, with me being there. I don't feel I can rest until this happens.

It's such a shame, my husband has chosen to sacrifice his family for some whore. But, etc......I don't know what to say.

I just know my heart has been most unrestful until I have met this whore face to face inthe strip joint. He said just now, he does not want to go there and stormed off. I said I needed to for healing, etc.......

Anyway, for me, I need to confront, some of you might cope by just forgetting, blocking out the OW. For me, I feel I need to confront, to get over and to heal.
Pray for me. I feel this week, we WILL come face to face with the stripper gal that ruined our marriag4e. I need to forgive her and see her face to face.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear grownup:

My hubby went into a homefor addicts when I kicked him out this past summer.

My feeling about it were:

I don't think he really want to obtain help. When I kicked him out, after finding out about him and the slut, I suggested this home, which I found, knowing he had no job, etc. Well, he lived there for 6 weeks; BUT, all the while continuing on in his infidelity,never wanting to get help. So.....it made no difference.

I really have found the old addage to be true: "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" to be SO true. We can lead our sex addict hubbys to recovery, but unless they want to get help, they will not.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.