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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, I felt really depressed and cried. I was enveloped in sorrow. I wrecked my brains to think what was the trigger. The only thing I could think of was that my husband gave me a hug. For some darn reason, I imagined that was how he hugged the OW. Then I could not stop the mental imaginings of them having sex, lying naked in bed, him stroking her hair, and exchanging I Love You's.

I tried everything to stop - imagining a stop sign and having rational talks with myself. It helped me a bit, but not much.

My counsellor once asked me to feel my emotions. I did not feel anger or self pity. I simply felt hollow, dejected and overwhelming sorrow. It's almost like the sadness that comes with the death of a loved one.

I am back to survival mode. One hour at a time. One day at a time. I will get through this - I must. The alternative of wallowing in pain for the rest of my life is simply not acceptable.

I am sorry if I am dampening anyone's spirits. I appreciate your listening and take comfort that if anyone would understand, it would be you ladies here.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 8:38 AM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch

You're coming up on your Dday antiversary. This can start triggers. The triggers get less intense with time. What happens is you finally just get angry. The sadness isn't there for me anymore. I've gotten to the point where I just don't care about them anymore. They are not going to run my life.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,

Bird - thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I think part of my current dilemma is that I am not sure of the boundaries here -- I do know that when I wrote him the letter (think I posted it in early December) one of the things on the list was that no one but me was to touch his penis. Duh. He was very angry about that.

In the past, his anger usually indicated guilt. I just shrugged it off - and said I don't know why you are angry as that has been a condition since day one. Whatever. At the time I had discovered continued inappropriate flirting. This is also the time I stopped the constant surveillance and started to work more and more on me.

I feel as if we are on a new path - we went to the couple's workshop, he went to SA (didn't like it )and we have a meeting on Monday with a CSAT counselor.

The Hartman's told us that there would most likely be a last disclosure needed -- this could be it. They recommended we do it with a counselor. So part of me wants to wait until Monday. But I don't know this lady and by not revealing what I now know, is that me now keeping secrets?

The hard part for me in all of this is 1) he will have to be back in Tallahassee on several occasions and 2) he has lied, yet again.

I have said for some time now that I could handle slips - they are inevitable. It is how he handles them, you know? And if he is truly in recovery, how can I not give him a chance?

But what, then, is different?

Idea - at our RCA meeting (Recovering Couple's Anonymous) we go around the room and say one good thing our partner did for our marriage and one bad thing we did -- I could say I snooped. I would have a room full of support...Probably not the best approach.

I have S-Anon tonight. I will also ask those ladies. I will continue to look here for support.

NA - I wanted to pipe in with everyone else - sounds like stepS forward for you! I don't know why these guys insist on trying to do all this by themselves. So glad he is starting to reach out! YEAH!

Have a great day, my SI friends. OLB


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes - so sorry. Double Post.

[This message edited by OurLifeBack at 10:01 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a while as I've been away but I wanted to respond to a couple of posts. First off, NaiveAgain -- I'm much like you in that I avoid others' disappointment, etc. However, I've learned that it doesn't work -- it just leaves me feeling muzzled. You can't control your spouse's response. If you tell his honestly how you feel and why you're doing what you're doing -- WITHOUT trying to manipulate him, then the rest is his stuff. It might help to share something my IC says to me. She calls them "countermoves" and notes that any time I change my behavior from what is expected of me (ie. my usual "keep the peace stance), there are going to be countermoves because I'm changing the game. It's no different than what a child does when they don't like what's being said/done: they whine, or they cry, or they throw a tantrum. If you can recognize them as nothing more than countermoves designed (whether consciously or not) to get you to back down, it's easier to remove yourself emotionally from them. I can now step back and say to myself -- okay, this is a countermove so that I'll give in...and that helps me stand firm. Of course, the move you stand firm, the less frequent the countermoves will becomes because they're no longer working.

Birdwatch,
I'm so sorry you had a tough night. But I agree with the others that it could be the DDay anniversary that's triggering some latent emotions. I'm also feeling rather despondent lately. I'm wondering if it's the ADs -- I'd like to get off them. I feel so "numb" all the time, have zero sex drive, and really don't take pleasure (or even pain) in anything. I feel like I'm just putting in time. I think it's "survival" skills as you put it. But I don't want to just survive... I want to live!

Hang in there, everyone. We're getting there...somedays faster than others!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack

I have turned to the best counselor I know and that is Jesus Christ. I was a born again Christian when I met WH and I fell away. Big mistake marrying a non believer.

Now that I've reconciled myself to the Lord, I'm going to follow his lead as to what to do. I have a peace in me that I haven't had in decades.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch I PM'd you.


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles, I too am Christian. One of the most important things I have learned through all of this is that when God tells us He will never leave us alone, He doesn't. I so often questioned that through my pain. I then realized, He doesn't. He has sent me the most fabulous Christian friends and Christian counselors. He has truly spoken to me through them.

Blessings to you!
OLB


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OurLifeBack

When I had my Dday I was not walking with the Lord. I believed he existed but was not in a true relationship with him. My soul must have been flaming red from the damage. I did not receive any ointment so I turned from him completely instead of seeking him the way I should have.

Now my boundaries with WH are. No relapses. If I get that gut feeling again, which I now believe came from the Lord, and I find something, the marriage is terminated. My home is going to be free from that stuff even if I have to live alone.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((birdwatch))) Please feel free anytime you are down, to post--that is what support is for! I am sorry you are having a rough time today, don't feel bad about that, just go with the flow, and know it will get better.

OLB - I cancelled the court date for now. My lawyer said if we work things out, we can resubmit. I feel better about that decision.

This is a rough road to walk, and what makes it so hard is the constant lies, secrecy, and mistrust issues. That is not what I expected from a marriage, and I know for me, I will know he is actively in recovery when he has an about-face and starts admitting things without me even asking, being painfully truthful, and showing real remorse for the pain he has caused. I guess I can't expect any of that just yet, because he is just now admitting the problem, and he has some serious self-work to do to even figure out why he does what he does. Baby steps. As long as they are forward!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NaiveAgain)))
(((Birdwatch)))
(((OurLifeBack)))

I feel really bad posting this but I want to be accountable. I don't know if it's the right thing or not, but my SAH and I didn't keep the celibacy contract last night. We were talking and maybe the whole re-wiring thing might be helpful, I don't know, but he's never had problem with being present with me in bed. It's never been an issue.

I feel torn because everyone here says it's important. His IC and his SA group say that it *may* help some people. And he's not sure it would help him. And I felt uncomfortable around him, not knowing how to act. His primary love language is physical touch (he scored a 12 in that category and that's the highest) so it's very important to him. I was having trouble hugging or kissing him knowing that he was celibate because I didn't want to be physically close to him knowing that we can't do anything and it was frustrating to me. I didn't want to stir up any passion since we couldn't do anything until the end of April!! And Valentines Day and both our birthdays are in there and that's just hard to not. Being sexually intimate has been a sore spot in our marriage anyway because of some of my past traumas but I was overcoming it and we were having such a wonderful time together since the last d-days. I felt like I was coming alive for the first time! So it was really hard on me.

The other day, I was reading what everyone wrote about the celibacy and I came across this article and was compiling all the stuff in a Word document. I don't remember where I got this from but it was talking about withdrawals (symptoms and length of time and such) said this:

Not everyone can achieve celibacy and, indeed, not everyone needs to observe a period of celibacy to achieve a quality recovery from sexual addiction. Most important is to at least work to stop sexual practices that put one at risk, and many addicts experience some withdrawal symptoms just from halting their most dangerous behaviors.

So I don't know, maybe it's just not something that we can or should do right now. Maybe that's something we can do later. I don't know. I just feel so confused.

But anyway, that is my confession for the day.

*edited for typos*

[This message edited by hope4tomorrow at 3:49 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pebbles, I wanted to say hi. I don't know your story but I'm a Christian also.

I'm glad that you are feeling peace and that your SAH has found the Lord and is doing better.

My IC has said that if I decide to D that it's biblically supported. So if my SAH doesn't get real recovery this time, I'm not going to stay either. I just can't do it to myself.

*****

To add to my story, last night I felt a tiny glimmer of hope. I've been in such a bad place lately emotionally that I've been feeling so numb to him.

I told him last night that if we didn't make it and got a D, it wouldn't be because I didn't love him. It would be the addiction. He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said, "We're going to make it. We are. I love you sooo much." That was so huge. He was always so unsure about things and doubting his love for me and staying together for so long.

Anyway, now I'm done.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, Hope, we've gone longer than that without a celibacy contract!!!

I have missed out on a lot of the discussion here about celibacy, but am interested in looking into it and will read the past posts. This is a topic I might want to pursue with the CSAT therapist on Monday.

There is also the common statement: "recovery is about doing things you don't want to do." That being said, we all have to do what we can in each of our situations.

I can see where when there are sexual issues between the partners, a time of celibacy and learning of intimacy without sex might be beneficial. We never had that. Our relationship started with very intense sex.

Interesting debate.

What are you plans, Hope, for moving forward? Did y'all talk about that? It does so sound like you are both making progress.

Do we only have/get to do ONE confession a day???

I sure bet I could come up with more than one confession just for today (and it is only 3 o'clock here!) like after my discovery last night, I found myself considering my own acting out - I thought, maybe I should look into going to a massage parlor myself so I can find out just what IS the big deal???? You know? Then I thought, yuck, - wonder what they do with women there???

My brain was also thinking about doing the online porn/flirting thing...to try to figure out just what the hold is OR to say "see - I can do it, too! And, dear SAH, how does that make you feel?"

Nah. Took a xyxnax and went to bed.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB, I'm over here Seriously, you made me LOL.

I have to pick up my daughter from school but I will be back.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope.

I laughed a little when I read about you guys slipping.

I consider you lucky to at least have the attraction for him.

Mine is non existent now and I consider this celibacy to be a relief.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB, right now we are doing our IC and he's doing his SA recovery stuff. I'm going to my group (Celebrate Recovery's WASA - Women Affected by someone else's Sexual Addiction). As for us as a couple, we started doing the 14 days of love that people were talking about in the R forum. We started on Monday because my H was sick on Sunday. It's really helping us connect as a couple and we are falling back in love again.

I'm very glad that you decided against acting out on your own. I agree with you, yucky!

In the past, we've definitely gone a long time w/o having sex. I didn't want to. I didn't have a connection with him at all and I had a lot of dysfunction in the sex dept. But with the help of my IC and having the connection with my SAH again, I definitely want to again so it was very hard on me to say that we couldn't. I was willing to do it if it helped him, of course.

pebbles, I'm so sorry that you don't feel that for your SAH any longer. But I do understand. This has definitely killed a part of me and we're just not getting things back. I guess I never was unattracted to HIM, just what he did repulsed me and I didn't want to have sex with him at all.

birdwatch, I'm very sorry that you are feeling so down. I really hope you are feeling better now. I hate it when I feel that way. I hope it's just a d-day anniversary and you feel better soon.

NaiveAgain, I'm sorry that you are feeling so apprehensive about telling your SAH about cancelling the court date. I really hope that he has the strength to examine himself and put in the effort to get himself some help.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope - Where can I find information on the '14 days of love?' We are going on a rather long vacation so it could be good for us! We are also taking Patrick Carnes "Sexual Anorexia" for the healthy sexuality chapters!

NA - When do you have to tell you SAH about the canceled court date? Will it be in person or over the phone? If you are doing it in person, it might help to have a neutral party there if possible. The first time I told my SAH (who I ONLY thought was WH at the time. Ha Ha) he had to move out, I had the preacher there. He's a friend as well as our pastor. It helped keep me calm and focused. Our pastor was also a witness that I didn't yell and scream or get otherwise inappropriate as I had previously been falsely accused.

If you can't do in person, can you write it out? I have found that helpful as well. It might help to write it out even if you choose to speak it - over the phone or in person. Your writing here is very clear and honest and kind. Go back through what you have written about this.

To all: Funny God story.

Tonight my S-Anon meeting was about Step 2: turning all over to a Higher Power (which I call God - Higher Power is more politically correct by so much harder to say!!!)

It was a good discussion and thought provoking. When I got to my car I realized I had NO wallet. Our car is rather new and we don't drive it much here so there is not the typical abundant ashtray full of change. I was very calm and tried to determine if I had anything I could trade to get myself out of the garage.

And then God showed up. No attendant. Gate was open. I laughed. God does have a sense of humor. I have saved the parking ticket for my devotional readings! Probably need to tape it to my forehead.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB, the 14 days of love was just doing something nice for each other for the 14 days leading up to Valentines Day. Nothing really mysterious. I'll find the original post in the R forum.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=273654

The 14 days of Valentine's Day start Feb 1st and end Feb 14th. Everyday you do something for each other. They can all be small things or gradually get bigger until Valentine's Day. The idea is for the couple to think about eachother and actively love each other.

Of course you can do this anytime for any length of time. You could do it for the time of your vacation or anything you want.

That is a great God story. Glad things worked out for you.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so far behind, it's shameful. I haven't been feeling great and wasn't online much. Now, it's late and I'm sleepy from cold medication. I'll try to catch up properly tomorrow.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((to all))) Very self involved lately but am trying to catch up little by little. (7Years)I hope you are able to sleep through the night. It makes such a big difference. My two kiddos have been sick and court and.....blah blah.
Loving the garage story!


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
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