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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, emerged!

WHY any of you who have severely SA hubbys put up with it.

My partner claims he's never been physically unfaithful (but don't they all?), but for me I think it's a dance I've learned my whole life.

Being with him at times can be very hard, but it's not as hard as my other relationships (like with family members). I'd say being with him is like being in the frying pan instead of the fire.

Plus, I grew up with an unfaithful grandfather who was/is also very into porn. It's amazing I didn't stumble onto his hardcore stuff any earlier than I did.

Also, he seems to be a generally nice guy outside his addiction. When I first met him I thought I had found PRINCE CHARMING.

RE: setbacks-
Though my partner isn't in recovery, the slipups themselves don't cause all the pain. For me, a lot of the pain is from him blaming and guilting me ("well, you shouldn't have been snooping," etc) and lying to me as if I'm stupid that are hardest to do that. Then again if he were in recovery maybe he wouldn't do that.


Almost all sexual addicts (of either gender) are unable to be "present" during sexual activity, especially with their spouses. Instead of authentically making love with your wife, you likely are lost in fantasy about some other sexual experience, either real or imagined. You pretend you're with another partner or engaging in different sexual practices. You insist on darkening the room or you close your eyes to avoid being in the moment because your fantasies are more pleasurable than what's happening right now. In effect, you're still having "addict" sex even though the partner is your wife. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, remember? Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

I think an abstinence contract would do us good. But we didn't even make it two weeks. I have issues saying no to him, even though a nurse told me to abstain. He thinks I was withholding b/c I'm mad. Last night he seemed kind of interested in what I wanted, though he won't do what I ask.

Forgive me if this is to blunt, but am I the only one in here with a partner who just kinda of jumps on them when they're in the mood?

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:12 PM, January 31st (Saturday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
BeHereNow
♀ New Member
Member # 22469
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed up late last night reading all the posts in this SA thread. I have been posting in other areas of the site. I have not yet spoken with my WH about what I found Thurs., and I am still trying to put pieces together. I am one of those who needs to know, not all - but more than I do. I am waiting to get a GPS tracker for his car because I suspect he has sublet an apt. down by his office.

I relate to much of what I have read here. There are some differences. My H was my knight in shining armor, when we met, I knew within 2 wks of our 1st date he was the man I wanted to marry. He was the first man to pursue me, in the past, I had set my sights on a man and went after him. He made me feel safe, secure, loved, in a way I have never felt. Our sex was/is the best I have ever had, with complete intimacy and connection throughout. I was able to get pregnant at 43 and have our amazing DD, who is 6 now. Our family, having a family, was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. I had enjoyed much success in my career, and this was all the blessings I felt any person could ever ask for.
I am 20 years sober in AA, and no stranger to the 12 steps. I have done lots of work on myself. I knew when we got married that my H, at age 12, had been molested by his brother, and that his parents had not supported or protected him. I knew he had lots of rage, but also that he had done lots of therapy to deal with his "issues."

I have to continue in another posting, my DD is calling me.

I will close to say that I am relieved to see I am not alone.


BS - me, 50
WS - him, 43
Married 7 yrs, together 7.5 yrs
6 yr old daughter, our miracle child
DDay 12/12/08 - 6mth EA that led to one encounter before Dday (according to him and OW) He stayed foggy, I stayed suspicious, and had 2nd DDay 1/29/08

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, BeHereNow
My H was my knight shining armor too--I even told my family and friends. He was wonderful, seemed to know exactly what he wanted, and we both seemed to know within the first week that we had found the "love" of our lives.

In the beginning, the sex was great. But within 6 months, we started having some problems in that area, as he started suggesting some off the wall things I wasn't too comfortable with.

My kids (his stepkids) all love him--he has been a wonderful stepfather. I just didn't know about his secret life, until last July. When we were together 24/7, he managed to keep it under control somehow (he says he was busy being preoccupied with me, so he didn't need none of that stuff). Although I suspect he still had his mind on that stuff.

But he moved in April for a job to support us, and has been acting out like crazy since.

The lies and deceit are the dealbreaker for me--I just cannot take any more--I need trust, or I will go crazy. And he doesn't see his problem. So....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BeHereNow)))

You are not alone. We all have differences ,of course, but it is the similarities that remind us that we are real, that we are the ones living in the real world, and that we are the sane acting partner.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

And BeHereNow and NaiveAgain (see #2 below for comments on "knight in shinning armour")

Ingrid, I hope you are feeling more at peace today.

You asked why do we stay with our spouses. You also believe that sex addicts are perverts.

I have several comments.

1. It does not matter why other people stay with their spouses. Some people end their marriages because their spouses snore, and some people stay in their marriage even their spouses physically harm them and their children.

It does not matter why we decide to stay with our spouses, YOU have to decide whether YOU wish to stay. That is entirely your decision, which you are entitled to make.

You have to first focus on yourself. After you have gained some semblance of emotional stability, you can then make an informed decision. Seek help from a counsellor.

2. If you really are curious as to why I personally stay with my husband, these are some of the reasons:

* I have known him for 7 years, and during this time, he has consistently shown to be a thoughtful, loving and considerate person, not only to me, but to friends and strangers.

He always makes a point of giving money to the homeless person who wanders close to where we live. He will always stop and talk to the homeless person, and remind her that she can stay in a shelter. My husband may not be my knight in shinning armour, but he exhibits many moral qualities which I admire.

* My husband is remorseful and is committed to recovery. Yes, there had been minor setbacks, but he has pulled out all the stops in the last 10 months to make amends.

* My decision to stay with him is contingent on his being sober. One of the most important boundaries is "if you cheat again (and we had talked about what "cheating" means), I will end the marriage and you will have to move out". I have the self-respect now to know I deserve to have a faithful husband. I feel empowered that while I cannot control whether my husband acts out again, I will not be shy to take action should I be betrayed again.

Finally, I wish to comment on your referenct to your husband as a pervert. If this is how you feel, then I agree with 7yearsbetrayed that you should end your marriage. This suggestion is not given to you out of anger, but rather out of practicality. You cannot reconcile with someone who you think is perverted, and any reconciliation will be illusory.

In addition, calling your husband a pervert, or thinking so, is a sure way to eliminate any chance that he might have in recovering.

Our spouses have lied and betrayed us. We understand that they have done wrong. No one here is saying otherwise or defending our spouses' actions. However, like any person who suffers from a mental illness and addiction, our husbands need help, with or without us.

The damage to you and your relationship may be so great that reconciliation is impossible in your case. You are entitled to make a decision to leave, and you will not be wrong to do that, and all of us here will support you.

However, if you wish to give you and your husband a chance (obviously, with proper boundaries in place), then you need to explore your anger (with your counsellor if possible). In fact, this labelling does not help either of you, whether or not you wish to stay or leave.

I wish you peace and do let us know how you are doing. PM if you wish.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, about that 90 day celibacy contract.......

Are there any good tools out there to use during this period to help ensure that you stay on a recovery path toward building intimacy.

We're worried that this might just become an anorexic period without some good plan to make use of the time.

Has anyone done this successfully, and what did you do to make sure it didn't turn into just a big drought?

TIA


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Just Wow,
Have you tried contacting SANON as they have great ideas and literature for all phases. I know that since the latest conference in Nashville there have been lots of new sharing out there.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Be Here Now!


Anywayz, I confronted my partner about his usage around the time of my miscarriage. He told me he didn't, which that was a lie. And he wouldn't pull up his temp folder so that was a red flag.

He told me it was none of my damn business what he did on his PC. Then I told asked him why he would do that after I had a mc (not to mention surgery and the subsequent bleeeding for days), and he said that's what he did.

Then he said he did it all the time b/c that's all he did (he was being smart). He said he didn't remember doing that then he asked why I waited so long to ask. At first, I didn't even know. When I found out I tried to talk to him, and he ignored me, turned around, and went to sleep. Then if he asked if this is what he was gonna have to live with, and that's after all the crap I've taken from him and he says that to me??? Then he gave me that same crap about how he's been doing it for years and years and how it has nothing to do with me and yadda yadda yadda(it comes out as excuse making).

He thinks I think he's a "pervent." I didn't say that to him, but who on earth thinks about hardcore porn the day and week after a pregnancy loss?

Ok I feel better now!

In the beginning, the sex was great.

Same here. At first it was great, then it started dying off. I just assumed that some of the honeymoon passion feelings were wearing off a bit, but it wasn't a big deal at the time. Now I wonder if he was just getting tired of me.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for answering the whys of the celibacy thing. I guess I've been one of the minority because this doesn't apply to us:

Almost all sexual addicts (of either gender) are unable to be "present" during sexual activity, especially with their spouses. Instead of authentically making love with your wife, you likely are lost in fantasy about some other sexual experience, either real or imagined. You pretend you're with another partner or engaging in different sexual practices. You insist on darkening the room or you close your eyes to avoid being in the moment because your fantasies are more pleasurable than what's happening right now. In effect, you're still having "addict" sex even though the partner is your wife. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, remember? Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

He's always been present and treated me very well in the bedroom. I've never felt used or that he was just an addict. He's always held back and tried to make sure that he's in the moment and not fantasizing. But the intimacy outsided of the bedroom has always been lacking. So I think that is where we really need to work on.

JustWow, I think that we are going to have to do something to create intimacy. I got a book by Douglas Weiss (a Christian SA expert) a long time ago and we never did it because I got pregnant and went into a depression and blah, blah. Anyway here's the link. http://www.sexaddict.com/Intimacy.html I think that we'll do that since it's 100 days and close to 90 anyway.

I know that it's a good thing to do but it's going to be hard for me to even be physical at all and not be able to do anything if I wanted to!


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, question here. I thought for sure, after I confronted SAh with the fact that he has lied to me repeatedly since July, swearing no more porn, looking me in the eyes, telling me why can't I just trust him, then I find the cable account number--look it up on line, and he has been spending $200 to $300 per month on ppv porn; I confronted him with this, and he still denies being an addict.

Can't give me any reason why he had to do this. Told me he didn't even watch most of them all the way thru. I told him since he swore he would give it up for me, and he knew I couldn't live with it, and it made me so hurt, and he is still doing it, he has to be an addict.

And he goes, "here we go again".

So does he really not see it? That has to be impossible. He knows, he just can't admit it, right? He can't possibly still be denying this. He was willing to risk our relationship. The only family he really has. For a bunch of sleazy movies. I just can't wrap my brain around this. I mean, I caught him dead-to-right! Lying and hiding stuff again. How can he not see that as a problem.

He asked if we can just start over, and he wants me to trust him. Is he insane? He is saying that seriously! How on earth could he expect that? Is he that sick? I mean, I am thinking he is really, really, really sick.
Who is this guy? He is nothing like the man that left in April to get a better job for his family. I am scared. I am wondering if an alien took over his body.

ETA: I mean, seriously. When we were living together, he would own his own sh*t. If he was wrong about something, he would actually admit it! Now he never admits anything, he is paranoid about me screwing him over in a divorce (WTF?) I really, really do not know this person.

Could he have only been a little bit of an addict before, but since the move, become a full-fledge addict?

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:01 PM, February 1st (Sunday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, NaiveAgain. I don't know what to tell you. If you think that he is, then he probably is. I don't know why he's denying it. Maybe he just wants to have his fantasies and his family and he just feels comfortable where he's at. I know that is my SAH's problem. He doesn't know anything else so it's really hard to go where it's painful and he has to do the work. It's hard for him to let go of the comfort of the addiction, even though he knows it's not healthy. It's just been a part of him for over 2/3 of his life. He doesn't want to face his demons.

I don't know. I'm just guessing. No one knows but him. I really hope that he wakes up before he loses everything, NA.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knows, he just can't admit it, right?

Right. He just does not want to face it. He doesn't want to give up his security blanket. He thinks he NEEDS it.

Could he have only been a little bit of an addict before, but since the move, become a full-fledge addict?

Being a little bit of an addict is like being a little bit pregnant. He's been an addict since the first time he masturbated (more than likely) now it is possible that he is escalating. My rSA escalated. He can be at a point where what he did before doesn't do it for him anymore and he needs bigger, better, newer "highs." That is possible.

You can't force him to hit rock bottom. You have to decide what you want for yourself and just move on. If he gets his shit together and gets sober, good for him but you cannot keep yourself on hold hoping he's going to wake up. You need to stop. TAKE CARE OF YOU.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
BeHereNow
♀ New Member
Member # 22469
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could only now come back to post. ANyway, I was rambling. I am still trying to put some pieces together before I let him know I know. I don't even want to think of it as a "confrontation" - I am not going to tell him he is sick, or has a problem, just that I know what he has been doing. Today was our first day hanging out as a family since I found out, because he left early Frid morning to go out of town and just got back.

I did well! Only once did he ask me if something was wrong, and since I already confronted about the first OW I found, I can use that as a handy excuse , say my trust and hurt, etc are acting up. It is so weird to be together, acting normal, but then I check his laptop and tonight there was no Craigslist cruising, but he seems to be a little obsessive about a woman I will call JF, for "just friend" - it has never been clear what is up with her, I found an inappropriate message to her on his Facebook when I DDayd about the definite EA he was having w/ OW that is NC and gone now. Anyway, I am getting more and more certain that there is either an A with JF, or there was and she dumped him. Either way, there seems to be a couple in town where there are messages, there is just not enough to go on for now.

I am thinking of doing this in writing, on Feb 13. The idea of going out for a romantic Valentine's dinner seems really absurd. I am glad that so far I haven't felt the need to let on, I am reading books about SA, and have a GPS tracker on order, and am monitoring his laptop use, this is about all I can do for awhile.

It gives me time to get my heart and mind together. I don't want to hurt him, he is damaged beyond belief, much more so that I ever knew when we married, which was after 6 months. I was 43, and we wanted to try for a family, so we didn't want to drag anything out. I know he is tortured, but I have no idea if he will be ready to admit it, I don't know if losing me and our wonderful life we have built together will bottom him out or not.

I suspect that he has acted out in the past, but thought that our love and family would make him not need to. When he started perceiving me to be critical, controlling, and all that usual stuff, plus his work is incredibly stressful -I think maybe in the last year it started. I think he's a binger, but since I just started monitoring, I don't know.

I sure loved reading about all of you who say your SAs have the different (WRONG) recall - I don't know how many times I have threatened to just tape record every conversation so he can hear for himself. Plus he's a lawyer, so he really knows how to twist, evade, intuit, attack - he is trained by profession in verbal warfare, I'm just a simple 12 stepper with simple tools, I try to keep my side of the street clean and own up when I've been hurtful.

Enough for now. if anyone's interested, I'll keep you posted as to what I find, and how it goes down. It helps me tohave a place to write and spill my guts.


BS - me, 50
WS - him, 43
Married 7 yrs, together 7.5 yrs
6 yr old daughter, our miracle child
DDay 12/12/08 - 6mth EA that led to one encounter before Dday (according to him and OW) He stayed foggy, I stayed suspicious, and had 2nd DDay 1/29/08

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying very hard to move on. We were talking anullment Friday, and how to split things. Then he broke down crying and asked if we could put each other on probation and put a hold on making any decisions.

I am not sure why I need to be on probation? Anyway, I figured it would give me maybe another week or two to find a job, I go for resume building on Thursday.

But I feel kind of sucked back in again, especially when he started talking about his abuse real openly --he admitted some things to me that he never said before.

So tonight, when I was asking him why he felt it was okay to view all those movies, when he knew it hurt me so badly, and he promised not to, he said he was bored and somewhat resentful of me. I told him I get bored and resentful and even angry, but I don't do things that would hurt him or the relationship. I told him I walk around the house cussing him out, or scream my harder core songs, or sometimes even vent to him a bit, but I don't do things behind his back that would permanently harm us.

I asked him where did he learn it was okay to lie in a relationship, and how could I ever trust him--and at first he got angry and defensive, then he went into "poor me" mode--which I shut up right away, because I told him this was not about him, this was about me, he hurt and betrayed me, he needs to fix it--I am not interested in his hurt feelings at this time. Then he shut up and just listened. Then he told me his brain hurt.

I guess.

I realize in my head that he is not going to get help. His rock bottom must be pretty bad, and probably won't happen until he contracts herpes or something. I won't be sticking around for that. It is just so hard to understand that he won't get help, when I can see he could have such a better life--I guess he just can't see it. And it makes me mad that there has to be so much damn pain that is so unnecessary because he is so freaking stubborn.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should be somewhat glad that my WH's rock bottom was his first physical affair - the only time he had moved from porn to people. She is pregnant, he has some strange penile rash/burning medical issue (not an STD, but doctors can't identify the problem), and I found out pretty soon afterwards. I don't think he'll do that part again - he keeps saying how it was just not worth it.

As for porn... well, hopefully counseling and these books I ordered will help us work through that part.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NA)))) My heart really goes out to you!


I had wanted to believe that he wasn't acting out.

Well, I was looking for my own files and found some of his by mistake. Even though I think he put his temp files on a jump drive, he forget some. These were from 1/27. How stupid was I? I didn't want to think he was still acting out. And I think he's been on the whore review sites as well cuz I swear this girl is in a motel room posing and the picture is taken by a digital camera. He thinks that I think he's always acting out, well, apparently he is! I mean I hope he got it from a site. I hope that's not his hotel room.

Talk about the truth coming to light.

I've already told him what will happen. Please *insert god or entity of your choice* let me find out definitively this came from a hooker site and I'm gone. He's had lots of chances.

Now it's different. Now there's a different context. It's becoming very difficult not to take it personally. At first, I was hurt then later I could realize that it wasnt about me. But to tell me that he is tired of my body but yet can't get enough of porn just seems so insulting.

I just don't understand how porn and other anonymous women can be so important to him.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:55 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(ldlh) I'm sorry for what you just found, that was just last week! Love tends to make us a bit gullible, I guess.

I am starting to understand a little more deeply about the addiction part of this, especially with his new phone. He is willing to spend $550 plus an extra $100 a month for easy access that I cannot track for his porn. He just isn't thinking rationally anymore, and it is scary. I feel like there are two parts to him, the good, soul part that knows he needs me and wants a good life, then the addict, illness part of him that wants me gone so he can act out to his hearts content.

I am realizing more and more every day how incredibly sick he is. Especially after last night, he is not here in reality, with us anymore. He was actually paranoid that I was starting to hide money! A year ago he would have known better, the insanity is taking him over.

Except for the type of addiction, he is just like a friend of mine--I knew for 20 years, an incredibly great, hard-working guy, ended up on crack, wife left him, went to jail for domestic violence, and walks around with crack zits all over his face. It is heartbreaking to see these poor souls

My WS is on his way to destruction. It breaks my heart. And I am really angry with his mom right now, she is enabling him, and I told her he needs to lose stuff, including me and his family, before he will hit rock bottom. But she can't let go of her baby boy. I think she is helping to kill him, because it will just take him a lot longer to burn out, and if she cut off his money supply, he would have to face stuff a little quicker--he needs to know he is losing everything.

I used to so look forward to seeing him, now I feel dread. He makes me uncomfortable. He has that hollow look in his eyes, that addicts get. There is no connection in there. He is gone, to me.

Sometimes when he speaks, it is like another person is in his head. Hard to explain, but it is like, he gets an empty look, and starts spouting total lies and nonsense, that he thinks I will believe.

I love him, but I have to let him go. And I will not take my DD around him anymore, not while he has that weird "feel" about him. Her and him will both be brokenhearted.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ldlh and NA))))))

I'm so sorry.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes when he speaks, it is like another person is in his head. Hard to explain, but it is like, he gets an empty look, and starts spouting total lies and nonsense, that he thinks I will believe.

I think I know what you're talking about. And about the lies, I mean, c'mon, does he think I'm fvcking dumb???

My partner is leaving again today. Normally I'd be sad, but today I say GOOD RIDDANCE!!! Maybe I should help him pack...

((((NA))))

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:53 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes when he speaks, it is like another person is in his head.

Even my rSA still does that sometimes. When he's like that I say "you're up in your head, you're not in your heart and unless you're in your heart I cannot talk with you." Sometimes it snaps him out of it right away sometimes not but I will not engage with him until he's in his heart. When he's all up in his head he can't be rational.

BTW, in our case this has nothing to do with acting out sexually this is residual "addict" behavior that he's still learning to stop doing. It can be over something as silly as an argument about taking out the garbage.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

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