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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,
I personally didn't feel that way (at the time) with my rSA but many women do. SAs are not capable of any real intimacy and wives often feel they are just a tool used for orgasm by their husbands. I didn't realize, until my rSA got sober and we had abstained and we reached a level of true intimacy, what that even meant. I didn't know it at the time but the reason I was dissatisfied with our sex life was because my rSA was not connected to me and was, in essence, just masturbating but using me to do it.

He confessed to me that when his first marriage broke up (she had no idea he was SA and frankly, neither did he at that point because he hadn't escalated or cheated on her) anyway, during the breakup his ex told him that sex felt like him "masturbating inside me." He couldn't figure out what the hell she meant. It makes perfect sense now. She never knew that he is a SA but she sensed his lack of intimacy and connection to her because of his SA. He didn't physically cheat on her with other women (he just compulsively masturbated and looked at a little porn during that marriage) but his SA had as much to do with the destruction of that marriage as anything else did, they just didn't know it at the time. He's had to come to terms with that during his recovery too.

Even if women don't make the connection to it being like he's just masturbating most spouses of SA are not satisfied with the sex they have with their SAs. I wasn't but I blamed myself because I didn't understand what was going on.

Now that he's sober and we're connected, I'm very satisfied.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This idea of being a tool for his masturbation, and the discussion of how his OW's satisfaction of what he did for her wasn't known or cared about by him, is what opened my H's eyes to the fact that he was an SA, that his approach to sex was unhealthy. I was just thinking that I was pointing out to him that he was very selfish and self-centered in his approach to sex. FWH was the one who took this conversation further and discovered that he was SA. Of course, he knew if all sorts of other behaviors he had engaged in over the years that I was completely unaware of. I think this behavior of approaching people as masturbation tools is verrrrry telling.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

I would compare having sex with my partner to having a one night stand, perhaps slightly better on a good day. In fact, I've had guys who weren't that into me pay more attention to what I want. Sex is all about HIM and what he feels what he wants when he wants it...as if he were just masturbating. If I tell him I'm in pain or not into he just keeps going, like I'm just a vagina.

If we have an argument, he's a bit more attentive to what I want. Other than that, I wouldn't count on it.

He's admitted to me that he only thinks of getting off. That's about the only sex related problem he's been honest about. There isn't much intimacy there.

I think it makes sense. After years of porn, hookers, porn stars (yes mine has had contact with them
) he's used to it being about him.
And now I'm dealing with the aftermath.

ETA-To draw another parallel, it's almost like he's in a hurry and just trying to get off as fast as he can. I get the 3 minute song instead of the symphony every time.

-typos!!!

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 2:29 PM, January 23rd (Friday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HOLY COW.
it's almost like he's in a hurry and just trying to get off as fast as he can. I get the 3 minute song instead of the symphony every time.
lovedontlivehere you hit the nail on the head!!!

Back at the beginning of this subject, someone said:

What I hate is that I can never look back at our relationship and derive security from it or comfort from it.
I don't really have a problem with that -- my past was MY past, the way I saw it and it was true to ME. It was lovely the majority of the time. (Except, frankly, he was NOT very good at sex from my viewpoint!)

It is my daughters (and perhaps my son) who have the problem now of dealing with an unreal past. Was their Daddy REALLY their Daddy or was he faking enjoying family time? When we went camping, to the movies, out to eat, to Disneyland, was he wishing he were there with someone else?

I tell them no -- I tell them he is and was REALLY their Daddy. They are adults but on this one point they are examining their childhood and finding it unbelievable.

I have tried to parallel it to a drug addict -- to explain that when he is "under the influence" he has no reliable judgment or logical reasoning. Now that he's moved in with her, it's a matter of time before he OD's.

Because my children ARE adults, I have been completely honest with them. My own family kept things secret to "protect" each other and it ended up being just as painful (if not more) when the truth came to light.

I believe that when they know, they can sort it out and start to heal without wondering "what went wrong in our parent's marriage?"


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was their Daddy REALLY their Daddy or was he faking enjoying family time? When we went camping, to the movies, out to eat, to Disneyland, was he wishing he were there with someone else?


This is what my children are sorting out right now and they are 9 and 11. I think what sticks with them right now was how he was hooking up with strangers by text all through a restaurant meal he took them to


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, I never thought that my WSAH thought of me like that. He was always worried about that. He didn't want to lust after me so he always took his time. Sometimes way too long and I would get bored.

Sex has always been a challenge and sore spot with us. I never wanted to have it with him. He was not someone that I could connect with while in his SA junk. And I was raped when I was in HS and have always felt like sex was just "dirty". I don't know really how to describe it. So we've always had problems.

Recently, I actually wanted to have sex with him but it was the strangest thing for me. I was instantly turned on and it was just crazy. I kinda felt like I was just using him because I was very upset with him that night.

It was after my IC and I was asking him why he was so distant from me. I found out that he was acting out at work. He was looking at porn once people got off and then he went into the bathroom to masturbate. I just don't get this mentality. He disconnects from me and wants intimacy and he's in the work bathroom.

I'm not sure if my WSAH can have intimacy. It's what he says that he's seeking yet, he withdraws from me contantly instead of talking to me. I get that part of this is due to bad habits and not yet having the right coping skills. He's working on them. I'm just afraid that he won't ever get over this. It's so ironic that he's actively seeking intimacy from strangers but then he runs from it with me. I don't get it!! And when I asked him about it the other day, he was getting so frustrated because he's not sure that he can ever achieve it. I just want to know so that I'm not wasting any more time in this marriage!

I'm just so confused and unsure and wanting to be loved. I don't think that's too much to ask. I just wish that I felt some security in this relationship but I feel like it's just quick sand.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whst awesome responses fropm everyone to such a touchy subject.!!! HOLY COW as one poster put it. I agree!!! HAHAHA!!!! It's so hard for all us wives of sex addicts, our feelings, etc., and our experiences. Believe me, I've often felt my husband of 20 years was "just masturbating on me" too, instead of truly "making love" with me, his wife. Maybe he's incapable of it, after so long of being a SA, don't know the answer, probably never will, as many of you will not either. All we know is that we are married to a man who loves some things, sick things more than us, and unless and until he breaks this cycle, none of us will have a good marriage. This is my view anyways. This is a heartbreak for me, don't know about you all, but it is for me.

Dear lovedontlive here:

You said: "He's admitted to me that he only thinks of getting off. That's about the only sex related problem he's been honest about. There isn't much intimacy there."

I am so sorry.

May I ask you now, what keeps you in your marriage then?


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 7 yrs betrayed:

You said this: "SAs are not capable of any real intimacy"

If I would have known this 18 years ago, I never would have stayed married.

But thanks for sharing it.

I feel there is always hope for a changed heart still, no matter the past. Perhaps that's my Catholic Faith speaking here. I feel though, only Christ can change one's heart.

I do feel, at this point, it's only a real conversion that can change my husband. The question is now, IF I want to stay married, if I can, if I can deal with everything that's happened, his infidelity, etc.,

I know I cannot, IF it happens even once more. I decided this past summer, that my marriage and our family as worth it. It is. We've been married nearly 20 years now, and have 2 teens.BUT, should my hubby choose to be unfaithful again, it will be over. No more chances.

Speaking as a wife of aSA, I have learned what I can, and what I cannot handle. My husband's infidelity has been a major life lesson for me.

Sure I love him, sure I've given him another chance, maybetoo many, maybe 19 years of chances now. Now, I cannot give anymore. To do so, IMO, would totally destroy me. I have no room in my generous heart for another infidel, another slip, another indiscretion, another whatever he wants to call it.

God be with me, and with all of you wives as well.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 7 yrs betrayed:
You said this: "SAs are not capable of any real intimacy"

Oops! Let me clarify what I meant. A SA who is acting out, who is in his full blown addiction is not capable of true intimacy. HOWEVER, a rSA is. A rSA who is SOBER and working a program can learn true intimacy and you can have a wonderful fulfilling intimate relationship.

I'm sorry I can't remember your exact situation. Is your SA sober? Is he in counseling and recovery?

In my opinion, God is not going to change any SA. (I am an atheist, just to be fair and honest, but this opinion has nothing to do with that. Even when I believed in God I did not believe He would swoop down and intervene with any one person. I believe every person has full responsibility for their lives and choices.) The SA has to choose to change HIMSELF. He has to work a recovery program, get sober and learn how to be a true husband and partner. Spouses shouldn't be wishing for a miracle, they need to be setting boundaries and consequences and choosing what is best for them. The SA will either get sober and into recovery or he won't and the spouse (nor God) has any control over that. The SA spouse has to take care of herself, set boundaries and consequences and accept the outcome.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little help. H has been out of the house maybe 11 weeks now. Cancelled our first meeting with the lawyers and asked me to do his photocopying of all our records for the lawyers then takes his swimsuit, passport, and travel immunizations out of the house. That was Monday. Now Friday he actually showed up for 2 of his son's hockey games then phoned me after to see what it would take for me to loosen up on supervised visits. (that would make 3 hockeygames all season)

Is he fogged or defogging? He still keeps his whole other life private, does not phone his children, is not paying for his children, detests me, and cphone records say he has a girlfriend and phone sex on the go still but less often. He changed antiD to higher dose. What does that mean for us? Still so confusing.

[This message edited by grownup at 11:16 AM, January 24th (Saturday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'm sorry I can't remember your exact situation. Is your SA sober? Is he in counseling and recovery?"

Well, he claims he's been "sober" since August, and
only picked up some porn mag out out of a dumptster to look at, but nothing since then .He says to me he wants to change his life, never wants to go back to said club, knows it's soooooo wrong, knows it destroys our marriage, knows quite simply all around that it's the very wrong thing to do. Well, that's all well and good, but speaking as his wife here, I need to see constant action on his part that he's doing what he needs to to makes things all right. Once again, I am torn between suggesting our husbands attend SA, abnd them really wantinbg to/thinking of it for themselves.!!!!This is soooo hard for me.

We had a fight last night again, and all the anger and hurt was once again brought to the surface. It was horrible and made my head spin again for the umpteenthtime. Have been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately where my feet and hands become sweaty and I become severely agitated. I know I need to get a handle on this. For this is my problem. Couldn't sleep last night very much at all. With the thought ((again))of myhusband's inbfidelity. Will it ever just go away?


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QUESTION: hOW DOES ONE GET OVER THE HURT? WHAT DOES ONE DO WITH IT? hOW DO YOU OVERCOME IT AND MOVE ON?

HOW CAN I LET IT GO? wHAT STEPS CAN I TAKE TO RID MYSELF FROM IT ONCE ANDFOR ALL? i WANT TO HAVE IT BANISHED FROMMY PERSON, BUT IT SEEMS TO ALWAYS CROP UP TIMEAND TIME AGAIN. i WANT THE HURT TO LEAVE.

PLEASE SOMEONE OFFER ME SOME INSIGHT ON HOW THE HURT OF THE SITUATION LEFT YOU/ARE WORKING ON JUST THIS? TO GET RID OF IT??? WHAT AREYOU DOING ABOUT IT???? i'D LIKE TO KNOW.

I WOKE UPAGAIN LAST NIGHT AT 330A.M. WITH SUCH INCREDIBLE HURT IN MY HEART, TOLD MY HUSBAND SO, WOKE HIM UP; HE BECAME AGITATED OF COURSE AND THEN GOT UP WATCHING TV. MY HEAD WAS SWIRRLING, THOUGHT I'D HAVE A STROKE. DRANK SOME WISKEY, AS I AM DOING JUST NOW, AT 10:00 A.M.

I LIVE WITH THE PAIN OF THE SITUATION DAILY, AND DON'T WANT TO ANY LONGER. PLEASE HELP ME. IF YOU CAN. HOW DO YOU RELEASE THE PAIN????

p.s i COLORED MY HAIR YESTERDAY AND IT TURNED OUT WAAAAY TOO DARK,SO NOW HAVE TO LIGHTEN IT BACK TO NORMAL. tHAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AGAIN.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

after being both of us up at 330 a.m last night and having a little tiff, we both settled back down to bed finally. My BP was racing, and I had to take a BP pill.Upon waking this a.m. and looking into his eyes, being married 19 years now, somehow I felt any trial was going to be OK,that maybe God has an alterior plan, that I cannot see. I feel HE does not want us to be just another divorced home and another divorced family in this day and age--2009. Somehow I feel GOD is expecting me as frail as I am, to do something. Don't know what yet, but am praying aboiut it.

Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

My heart broke when I read your posts. Your suffering and desperation are so real.

I know you want the answers. All of us here do. How do I ever forget and/or forgive something unforgettable and unforgiveable? How do I recover from humilitation and betrayal by someone who has made a vow to be faithful and respectful? How do I heal from insecurity and uncertainty every waking moment of the day after years of blatant lies and manipulations? How do I forgive myself for being naive and foolish to the point where I had no inkling whatsoever when my spouse, who lives with me, had multiple cybersex, phone sex, dates, emotional affairs and physical affairs, right under my nose? How can I continue to believe in humanity when many of the OWs knew I exist and one even came to my house(!)? How do I ever feel secure, safe and at peace again when I have learned that disaster can strike any moment when I am least expected? How do I make any plans for the future when no matter how hard I try, I feel I have no control over my own destiny? How do I ever feel confident when I feel my spouse chose OWs over me by having sex with them and avoiding sex with me for six months? How do I reclaim myself, my identity and self worth when the person I love made me feel ugly, undesirable and unattrative?

I hear and feel your despair, Ingrid. I want you to know you are not alone. We are here. We are all going through this journey the best we know how as human beings, with our own limitations.

My suggestions are these. Focus on yourself. Leave your husband's recovery and the healing of the relationship aside for the time being. Speak with your IC. Give yourself permission to grieve. Do not be afraid of your own feelings - they are real and you are entitled to them. Hiding away from your feelings or numbing them are only temporary solutions. Feelings never go away - you must deal with them. Be gentle with yourself.

Speak with a physician to discuss possible medication. If your anxiety attacks and insomnia are affecting your health and daily functioning, you need assistance.

I have no advice. Just want you to know you are heard, you are thought of, you are not alone, and you will get through this.

With much love,
birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 1:56 PM, January 24th (Saturday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Ingrid)))) We are with you. We walk with you. We stand with you. We stand behind you. We support you.

I'm with birdwatch on self care. It is a vicious cycle once we are tired and yes, I know we are tired much of the time! You need good sleep for a few nights to be able to regroup. Naps ain't going to do it. It is okay to feel.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in a much better place. I took everyones advice from a while back, and started working on myself again. I have gotten myself an awesome support circle, including my loving friends here, I joined a COSA group, I am in IC, and I talk to 3 family members from time to time. I called our local human resources to find out about getting a job so I don't feel like I have to stay because of finances. I went last week to learn how to make a resume for myself.

Now, I am at a place where if he goes, I am okay. It is SO empowering! I will still be sad, and probably cry for a while. But I will be okay.

7yrs--you were talking to me about boundaries a while back. I finally made one I am very happy with, he gets help or I don't move south with him. And I have been awesome sticking with it. We had a long talk last night, and I went over again with him the reasons I feel he needs help. He asked me if I am considering divorce (because he was wanting us to get a condo in my name--his credit is screwed). I told him no condo. Nothing else in my name until I know how things are going with us. I told him that if we split, I am thinking it will be amicable, because we are both good people and there is no reason it would need to get nasty.

We talked for 2 1/2 hours about our issues in the R, (from 3 a.m. until 5:30) when I finally told him I couldn't think anymore and we would have to finish this later.

He didn't bite my head off once. He started getting angry once, and I told him I was not wanting to get him angry, but I need to be able to speak from my heart and he actually listened to me.

I don't know what today will bring, but you know what, I am okay with it, whatever. I feel myself getting stronger by the day, even though I still have some bad periods.

I am posting this, because I want a lot of you to know there is hope, that you don't have to feel like you are trapped or doomed to a life without love or intimacy--you can take charge of your own life, it is one step at a time--I have been working on it constantly since July, so it is taking me a while, but it is possible.

It is horrible worrying all the time if your SA is acting out on you. And I so relate to the sex without intimacy. Last time (which was about 3 or 4 months ago), he actually put a pillow over his head and I couldn't see his face!

No more of that shit. No more sex period, unless I know we can have it in a loving way. I have no interest in just servicing him. I want what I deserve in this relationship, or I will end it and start over.

I am such a different person, at the beginning of this, I was such a quivering mass of "please don't leave", and "I can't tell him I am unhappy". Ick. No more.

And again, I have to tell you, that it was you guys that helped me get my backbone back to stand firm on the "counseling or I am gone"--just hearing over and over that I was doing the right thing helped so much--I knew it was right in my gut, but I just needed to hear it.

Thank you all so much!!!

p.s. I am sure I still have a lot to go thru, so I will probably be back on here asking for more advice, but at least I am getting there!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, I've attended 1 Cosa meeting (and 1 al-anon), and I already feel much better. Even though there is no S-anon in my group (there used to be but there was low turn out )I still read the literature. I was just reading one booklet about partner issues-commitment, forigiveness, healthy sexuality, etc. They also have a daily devotional, like al-anon would have. Anywayz, even though I can't attend S-anon I feel connectedness thru literature.

If there is no cosa in your area, they have telemeetings and also a yahoo group. Even if you attend cosa face-to-face you can still supplement.

www.cosacall.com

I don't know if you ever have to forget, I won't. I've heard people say forgive, don't forget. At this point, I just need to learn to trust myself.

IA that you need to focus on your needs.

May I ask you now, what keeps you in your marriage then?

I think either I'm a saint or insane...

Right now I'm just going to wait and see. I really don't want to make any big decisions right now as far as whether to stay or go. I just want to focus more on me.

Truth is, if I get better and he doesn't, Ill have no choice but to cast him aside like dead weight.


(((((NA)))))

ETA-
My partner thinks I'm getting tested b/c I've been sleeping around on him. That's the first question he asked. I tried to explain it to him more, I hope he still doesn't think that. I'm not sure why he thinks I'd be the one cheating,though.

As for the masturbation thing, that's something I really try not to take personally. I might get 15 min of sex (I'd be lucky to get that and I almost feel like I shouldn't complain b/c we would normally have sex maybe 2x a month), but he'll masturbate to porn and the world's least attractive hookers for hours and hours. I've suspected for quite awhile that he's just more entranced with porn than sex with me. I feel freed knowing that I won't be having sex with him.

Right now I'm reading Pornography and Silence. It's not about addiction per se, but Ive found it really eye opening.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 6:49 PM, January 24th (Saturday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid
Ok, he "claims" to be sober. Bullshit. (I'm not going to mince words.) He is NOT sober. He is NOT in counseling. He is NOT going to SA. HE IS NOT SOBER. Let's say it again. HE IS NOT SOBER.

You are right you need to SEE him working his recovery and you don't. He's NOT.

While it is true that you cannot force him to seek treatment you do have a right to SET A BOUNDARY regarding that and that you need to set a consequence for him not respecting your boundary.

Read this web page:
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page14.html

Then read it again.

And again.

Again.

You have to set boundaries and consequences and you HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH ... and ... you have to surrender the outcome.

You asked how to get past the pain? You don't. You get counseling and you work on yourself and over time the pain will ease. You never get past it. I'm not past it. It's still there but it just doesn't have the power it once had.

Set boundaries and consequences.

Get into counseling with a good therapist who understands codependence and being the spouse of a sex addict.

Take care of YOURSELF and let him be responsible for himself.

grownup

Cancelled our first meeting with the lawyers and asked me to do his photocopying of all our records for the lawyers

I hope you told him to do it himself or better yet told him where to STICK the records. If you did this for him, I am going to scold you for it. He is a big boy and can do his own work. Doing that for him was very co-dependent and unhealthy for you.
then takes his swimsuit, passport, and travel immunizations out of the house. That was Monday. Now Friday he actually showed up for 2 of his son's hockey games

And where do you think he was those 3 or 4 days?

then phoned me after to see what it would take for me to loosen up on supervised visits. (that would make 3 hockeygames all season)

Please tell me you told him that he can't have unsupervised visits until he's proven that he is trustworthy.

Is he fogged or defogging? He still keeps his whole other life private, does not phone his children, is not paying for his children, detests me, and cphone records say he has a girlfriend and phone sex on the go still but less often. He changed antiD to higher dose. What does that mean for us? Still so confusing.

NO, he is not in a fog nor is he defogging. He has decided to enjoy his addiction and have his fun. He is in denial of his addiction and he is emotionally abusing you and your children. He upped his antidepressants because he can't deal with the truth of what he is and what he's doing. He thinks that will help and he can enjoy his addiction more that way.

Look, bottom line here, if he's not actively in recovery and sober nothing is going to change. Ever.

My advice is that you too read the web page I posted to Ingrid above and set some serious boundaries with him.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((7yrs)) You make me giggle . Thank you.

I did not do his photocopying. I kept my "cashier" voice. That irked him too.

Although most of his personal stuff had already been moved to the garage he has not moved any of it farther than that claiming he has no room. So I got some boxes yesterday (having him roaming my safe place looking for stuff kills me)and I'm moving everything to the garage, giving him a deadline and if he doesn't move it I'm putting it in a storage locker.

Yes, it looks like vacation is being paid by the $$ for his son and daughter.

Sticking with my boundaries on visitations.

Right now it is like talking to a rock so I can't even initiate an explanation of our boundaries so I just keep living them regardless.

I'm going to check that site. Just started Melody Beatties new book, The New Codependence.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, Are you okay? Just know you are being thought of by many of us and you are not alone. With love, Birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:43 PM, January 26th (Monday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
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