I really don't think I am going to get my feelings back for him unless he gets his head out of his a$$ soon. I am just wondering if all the good things he did and was the first couple years was all a front, or if the jerk he has been lately is actually the real him. Whatever, I really don't know this person anymore. He is so not who he presented himself to be. And how can I love him, when I don't even know him?
I am just wondering if all the good things he did and was the first couple years was all a front, or if the jerk he has been lately is actually the real him.
I wonder that,too. Sometimes I wonder if my partner works extra hard being nice to compensate for being an azzhole.
Then again, addicts do all kinds of things when they are under the influence that they would otherwise not do. I sat in an AA meeting for a few minutes, and that was one of the things I heard them allude to. Maybe I should go to AA meetings,too.
I just thought of another example of his projection. One time I told him I knew he was looking up escorts and I knew which ones.
He asked why I was looking up prostitutes.
I just gotta if he thinks looking up whores like he does is one of my pastimes. I was so stunned I couldn't even think of a response.
I mean where the hell do they get this stuff???
I hope that things will get better. It is still so new, but I know I want to stay and work it out with him. Even if our M doesnt survive this, I grew up with him and I would still want to see him get healthy so he can be happy.
Thrive - I can so TOTALLY relate to that statement. H and I are high school sweethearts so the thought of giving up on my best friend when he needed me the most seemed impossible.
I decided to stay and try to work things out and found that a lot of people didn't or wouldn't try to understand.
It's been a skosh over a year since D-Day#2 and although I am still wanting to work things out.
BUT - I have come to realize that it can't be to manage him but to support his recovery.
This is not an open-ended thing. Just as I would treat my best girlfriend who wouldn't get help when you both knew they needed it; I am not going to support someone who isn't willing to work at getting better. My H has to work at his own recovery and I am willing to support him IF he does that.
So for now, I am trying to support my best friend while he gets his head together.
I need some hope here. (but only if it is realistic--I don't want a lot of happy crap if it is not real.
So yes, he was apparently using his master manipulating skills to try to keep us from talking. A$$hole. I am really getting tired of this crap.
Anyway, I told her I was doing everything I know how, and I wasn't leaving yet, but he really needs help, and I won't be moving down there with him this spring unless he agrees to counseling. At least I have one boundary in place.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:59 PM, January 17th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:57 PM, January 17th (Saturday)]
Okay, this is for the people who've had husbands in recovery and they are "making it". Can a SA ever be normal as far as how he views sex?
Can recovery last?
Are you ever able to let your guard down? I want to know what the long term prognosis is for something like this.
Can they ever give up ALL the secrets and start living a more integral life?
And can they ever get to the point where they can pass up a porn movie or a chance for easy illicit sex without giving it a second thought?
I need some hope here. (but only if it is realistic--I don't want a lot of happy crap if it is not real.
I hope that's helpful. Let me know if you have more specific questions.
I think it's good that he admitted he has a problem. That's the first step.
And I'm sorry you have to be here.
I don't know if you read it, my post was the last. You should read it if you haven't. Those are the resources I recommend to everyone who just found out they're living with a SA.
It's good that he's admitted it, that's half the battle won right there. If he gets into recovery and gets completely sober, there is hope.
I will say this, I don't think just going to one weekend "Every Man's Battle" is going to help anything other than it perhaps being what's made him admit his SA. He needs to find a CSAT (see my other post) and get into a group situation; either SA meetings (see my other post) or a group led by his CSAT.
PM me anytime,
Sex Addiction Disclosure to Children: The Parents’ Perspective
By M. Deborah Corley and Jennifer P. Schneider
Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 2004, in press
This qualitative study investigates factors related to disclosure to children by parents who are self-identified as a sex addict or partner of a sex addict. Fifty-seven individuals (addicts and partners) completed an anonymous survey about their experiences disclosing about the sexual addiction to their children. Data were analyzed using grounded-theory methodology. Emergent themes included circumstances surrounding disclosure, reasons not to disclose, types of information disclosed, perceived responses of the children, changes people would make to disclosures, and special issues surrounding sexual misconduct/offending and sex offender registration. Preliminary implications are provided for therapists working with families in which sex addiction or offending exists.
Recent research has indicated that disclosure of sexual secrets is one of the most difficult and important therapeutic tasks for sexual addicts and their partners. Involving children in therapy has also been recommended, including thoughtful and well planned disclosure to children on an age-appropriate basis. However, disclosure to children remains one of the least researched areas of treatment of sex addicts or sex offenders. Discussing sexuality in an open fashion is difficult at best for most parents; it is also reported as even more difficult when the discussion is about sexual addiction or sexual offending behavior. Only recently has research suggested that children want information and frequently know more than parents think they know.
[This message edited by gibbonsrose at 9:39 PM, January 18th (Sunday)]
H is coming to the house today to get his paperwork for the first collaborative lawyer meeting tomorrow. Nothing like leaving it to the last minute.
He keeps asking"Why won't you be friends with me?"
I have been trying to live the 360 of being "cashier nice" but very distant otherwise.
This question still stuns me and I have no idea how to answer so I just haven't.
For anyone who hasn't met me yet..: H is definite SA , probably NPD and on the run. (see profile)
I've missed some days so I need to catch up on posts later today. Hope everyone is holding on to sanity or insanity..which ever is most functional right now.
If by "be my friend", he means "competely remove boundaries so I can exploit and abuse our friendship", then...you know the answer. Being someone's "friend" doesn't mean putting yourself in a position to be hurt. It's hard for these guys to understand that the rules have changed once their partners start putting healthy boundaries in place. I'm sure you're happy to be his "friend" once he has true friendship to offer -- until he's in recovery, he doesn't have the emotional ability to be anyone's friend, including his own.
That's my two cents.
[This message edited by Eternaloptimist at 10:59 AM, January 19th (Monday)]
I am sorry you have found yourselves here, and I hope you will find support and understanding in this Thread.
Only a Certified Sex Therapist can diagnose SA. If one is not readily available in your area, then at least consult a therapist. There are books by Patrick Cairns on the subject, as well as on-line questionnaires, that may shed some light. While a SA is someone who engages in inappropriate sexual activities, not everyone who engages in inappropriate sexual activities is a SA (like all fathers are men, but not all men are fathers).
The important things at this time are for your spouse to acknowlege he has a problem, commit to recovery and seek help; and for you to learn more about SA, co-dependency, seek help and set boundaries. You should also look after your own physical health (e.g. STD tests, depression, anxiety attacks, etc.) and mental health.
There are three parties that need to heal and recover - your spouse, you and the relationship. Two poinrts to remember - (1) Without healing on the part of your spouse, and on your part, there is little value in healing the relationship. (2) You should focus on YOUR recovery and try to let your spouse deal with his own (though you should obviously set boundaries). It is very easy to try to control your spouse's recovery and be obsessed their potential relapses that you neglect your own healing.
Generally, no major decision should be made within the first year of the discovery. You are entitled to digest the information, grieve, receive help and make informed decisions.
Post here often. We are here to listen and support you. Whatever decision you make, it will be a roller coaster ride. Hang in there.
[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:53 AM, January 19th (Monday)]
I hope you are doing well.
Taking a vacation to distant yourself from the immediate crisis may give you new perspectives on the situation. It will also be beneficial to your mental health to take a break, however brief, from your spouse's SA. I just came back from a vacation with Mr. Birdwatch. It gave me long stretches of unstructured time, without work worries and mundane daily chores, to grieve, to think, to re-evaluate, to plan and to communicate with Mr. Birdwatch.
Having said that, I echo 7yearsbetrayed's comment that you may wish to choose another travel companion other than your spouse, who appears to not even acknowlege he has a problem, let alone seeking change or committing to same. Focus on yourself - go away with a girlfriend or a family member, who is supportive and loving. You deserve a much needed break AWAY FROM YOUR SPOUSE!
[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:02 PM, January 19th (Monday)]
Only recently has research suggested that children want information and frequently know more than parents think they know.
*sigh* As someone who grew up with a probable porn/sex addict, that is so true. In fact, you can assume that if someone in the house was viewing porn to any significant extent, that there is a great chance that the child has caught them in the act.
You can also assume that the child notices how the SA ogles other people.
I know I did.
I always knew about my grandpa's As even though his wife is in the dark.
I really don't want that for any future progeny of mine.
As far as the vacation, at least I can get away from all my other problems. Whew!!! lol I'm not sure who else I could go with though. My relationship with my family is strained. I have the kind of family you'd rather be away from! My bff is broke and not to mention busy with her (possibly sexually compulsive) boyfriend.
I do however have a vacation just for me planned in the summer!
I'm actually not going to see him much in the upcoming months bc he'll be commuting btwn here and Las Vegas. I've seen him like 3 days this entire month.