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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happyending,
I too am in Georgia and desperately searched for months for support groups. I was really shcoked at how little support is out there, even in larger cities in GA, for women, or men, who have suffered betrayal and who have codepency issues with spouses who are/were SA or NPD. I could not even find a separation/divorce support group for 6 months.

I am here if you need a friend who understands your pain.


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was actually pleasantly surprised to see that there are sexaholics anonymous groups in my area...but there is no CoSA...


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is my WH SA? He doesn't use porn or masterbate, but it's becoming apparent he has had more than one fling/encounter. He relates it to feeling "less than" as a youth, and getting carried away with all his newfound attention from women. He swears it will never happen again, how do I know/ensure that? Or in general should you just leave?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi careerlady,

I think it's impossible to know without better knowing your situation. Have you or he tried any of the online tests for sex addiction? While not definitive, they certainly indicate a predilection toward addictive behavior. You might also want to read some of the information online about sex addiction, such as Patrick Carnes Web site (www.sexhelp.com, I believe). You'll likely get a "gut" feeling -- either that he fits the typical profile or that he doesn't. Then you can go from there.
Sorry that you're dealing with any of this...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday, my partner went out of town again.

He wanted to have sex before he left, but I felt apprehensive. It wasn't really comfortable for me, but that didn't seem to bother him during although he seemed a bit concerned afterwards. He said if I didn't he'd just get it from his girlfriend in Las Vegas.

I hope he wasn't serious, but that just wasn't nice.

ETA-Things haven't changed at all.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 1:35 PM, January 13th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh,

Not nice??? That was cruel! And completely unacceptable! What an ass!

I hope you can start seeing comments like those for what they truly are -- manipulative whinings of a narcissistic asshole who should be down on his hands and knees, grateful that you haven't kicked him to the curb.

I'm sorry -- I know you love this guy. But honestly. That's just so incredibly cruel, given what you've put up with. It's not funny, it's not "teasing", it's cruel.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes we make little jokes about having something on the side, but that last one really left a nasty taste in my mouth.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame you. My husband and I also tend to have a sort of "black humor" thing -- but that struck me as just so cruel. And you're right that nothing seems to be changing. I'm curious what you're waiting for? I get the strong sense that you're on the path to getting healthier and are leaving this guy behind...unless he starts catching up really fast!



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EO, I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. If I get better (and the future is looking up for me), I'll have no choice but to cast him aside like so much dead weight. He has had ample opportunities, and he's the same. I've stuck by him when others would have chalked him up as a perv and left, I've made excuses for him, and it's getting old.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
ThriveNotSurvive
♀ Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been looking into finding local groups and a CSAT for help. WHSA and I are both registered on recovery nation and while the info is nice, it isn't really motivating.

As 7yrs pointed out to me SA can be isolating and finding a group could really help us both.

WHSA works a lot 6 to 7 days a week 10-12 hrs on the graveyard shift. This is required work, days off aren't really allowed and anyone that does it more than once or twice ends up fired.

The closest CSAT or group we've found is 90 minutes away. So we could maybe fit it in once a month or so.

I guess the point to this rather long post is this. Has anyone had experience with SAA or SLAA online or telephone meetings?

It seems that this might be a great way to actually talk to other people even if it's not face to face.


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

careerlady
He doesn't use porn or masterbate

How do you know this? Are you with him 24/7? Do you never sleep? Do you have some sort of special device attached to his penis that would tell you whether or not he's masturbating?

My rSA was a compulsive masturbator (he also compulsively used porn). He sometimes masturbated upwards of 5 times a day.

I had no idea.

He sometimes masturbated in bed with me sound asleep next to him.

I had no clue.

He had a huge amount of porn stored on his computer.

I never saw it.

He was cruising adult internet sites for sluts to have sex with.

I didn't know.

I am a very intelligent woman. I am not clueless. I certainly am not stupid.

I trusted my husband and he was a master at hiding it.

Just keep that in mind.

Here is my standard response to anyone who think they might be dealing with a SA spouse.

I am not a professional and as such I can't actually diagnose your husband. However, I am the spouse of a rSA (recovering Sex Addict) and I have 10 years of experience living with that (about 7 of which were spent not knowing about the sex addiction but knowing something was "off.") The observations I make and the advice I give are based on my experience. Read my profile.

Here is the advice I give to all newbies.

Do not have unprotected sex with him and you both need full STD testing.

Educate yourself about sexual addiction.

To get a good general overview of SA (Sex Addiction), check out the wiki entry on it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction
There is a lot of good information there.

Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

First and foremost you need to read, "Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes (This is the absolute best book I've ever read for spouses of SA. I cannot say enough good things about this book. I would have given anything for this book to have been available when I found out 3+ years ago, because at the time, there was nothing!)

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" but not before.)

and

"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")

His best hope for recovery is to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start there to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own but you'll also need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma.

You might also find this post really helpful. It's about setting healthy boundaries with your spouse.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256949&HL=10198
This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

PM me anytime.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^Yes, to that!

Mine will leave me alone in the bed. He'll leave me in the middle of the night, and I'll find him on the PC. I have no idea how many times he's really done that (of course, he wouldn't try to make a move on ME).

Careerlady, they'll do what they have to to keep you in the dark and protect their supply. I'm just now getting a clear picture of how much porn he really views, and we've been doing this dance almost a year. I still cant say how many hos he's been cruising for or if he's been doing it.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Career Lady:
A person can be an SA w/out using porn to masturbate.

My H was not into porn. It wasn't real enough. Fantasy, voyerism, exhibitionism....lotsa other possible tools besides porn he preferred to use to masturbate. He did scour peoples' webcams for a period, but that wasn't his drug of choice.

Probably more germaine is how often does he masturbate? Why does he? Does he do it in lieu of intimacy? Is he able to NOT do it?

In our case, porn is not really much of a component, but SA is definitely the diagnosis. My H knows he is, I do, his IC does. No doubt.

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:47 AM, January 14th (Wednesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I explain sex addiction to a lawyer? We are trying collaborative law for our separation/divorce. I'm not sure it will work when it comes to custody but I need to feel secure that my lawyer understand the addiction, the underlying problem and how it makes him a very hurt , very sensitive a-hole. I feel for my H but he is still in the fog,on the run, and part narcissistic who just keeps cycling and recycling his behaviors. Stupidly, I love him, miss some of him.

[This message edited by grownup at 4:50 PM, January 14th (Wednesday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just reading on
thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com

Article:Fantasy and Euphoric Recall in Sex Addiction

I used to think learning something new every day was a good thing


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
ThriveNotSurvive
♀ Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I get it that WHSA needs to heal himself first and that it will be extremely difficult and time consuming.

I get that I need to heal myself and know that I can take care of myself and our DS.

My problem is then how do you R? I feel like if I want to try to work on us that it will be too much for him. Add on top that we are getting the paternity test results back next week and he doesnt want things to be ugly with OW if it's his. So he isn't doing NC, at first it was just what is absolutely necessary but now she is sneaking in a little here and there, you know just friendly stuff. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her now, but I don't think for a minute that she's given up.

I feel like I need to set a bunch of new boundaries and let him know what I expect from him, but he is at that phase of being depressed and moody and it will turn into me being unreasonable and demanding.

I was out the door once, ready to D and 180'd completely, now that he decided to come back I guess I got my hopes up and now I'm scared to lose him. Not that I can't make it on my own but that I don't want to.

I need to figure out how to get my power back so I don't feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I feel like I'm going in circles!


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thrive - it is very hard work to get your power back. That is what I am working on, so if it works out, fine. If it does not, fine. And I am pretty much there, except for the financial worries.

Getting your own power back means you know you will be okay, no matter what happens in your life. You have to realize that deep down you have the strength to deal with whatever comes your way. I am feeling that way a lot more lately and I am trying to figure out why?

I think it just comes from taking steps, one by one. Getting as much support as you can. Expanding your social circles as much as you can. Making sure you can support yourself if it comes to that (that is the last weak link I am working on).

Also, a big thing for me is realizing that even if my SA figures out he has a problem (and he still doesn't think he does!), do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will always have to watch himself? Or would I rather try for a relationship with someone who is somewhat healthy to begin with, there are so many problems with him, and I don't know if I really want to deal with all of them at this time. I am still trying to decide, but mine also has a lot of anger inside and I know I don't want to deal with all that, because when I found out about all this and confronted him (and I wasn't angry, just very hurt), he got really mad, threw a blanket at me, and told me to just go, then, because I already had my mind made up.

Then when he broke up with me after me questioning him about the astro-glide, he called me a couple really bad names and poked me in the cheek.

Not sure if I really want to deal with this too much longer. I have already decided that if he doesn't start owning his own sh*t, I will not be moving down with him this summer.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((naive and thrive))
Naive, remember to trust your intuition when it comes to anger. Most of us squelch our intuition because we want to trust them and..because we are scared to trust ourselves but that intuition is important. Be safe, please , please, please.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thrive -
I hear you. It is really difficult. To R, to make a relationship healthy, you need 2 healthy people working to build a healthy relationship.

Our rSA's, many of them, are NOT healthy enough themselves to build or rebuild anything. And coming from where they were, chances are we're building new, not rebuilt. Anything that looked good before may not have been good, it may have been part of the manipulation and deception that are part and parcel to maintaining the addiction.

So you work on healing yourself. Recovering from the trauma, establishing healthy boundaries, getting yourself whole, so to speak.

Our S doesn't often heal at the same pace.

I find it frustrating and confusing a lot of days, to be at a place where I need certain things in our M that are perfectly reasonable needs, and he is not yet capable of fulfilling them.

I KNOW he wants to. He needs to do his own work first. But to wait till he's ready feels like denying MY needs while he takes care of his healing first.

It feels like a co-dependant do-loop sometimes.

I've been working with my IC on this, I've got no answers, but I guess I wanted to say I hear you.....

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:42 AM, January 16th (Friday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
ThriveNotSurvive
♀ Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone.

I think part of the problem is I read so much on SI right after D-day 1. That is when I set my expectation on how R is supposed to work. Well when D-day 2 comes along and I realized I was dealing with and SA that kind of goes out the window.

Naive, I am glad that you have found your strength. The financial part is difficult, part of working on me is going back to school. Nothing fancy just a certificate program so I can get my foot back in the door at above min. wage. I do agree with grownup please be careful when he gets angry! I've found that some of our best venting arguements are done via email or text. Gives you a chance to delete those initial hurtful things that might pop out before you hit send, and there is no way for him to get physical if you aren't near him.

Justwow, your post made so much sense to me. Especially about how things in the past that seemed good weren't. One of my best memeories of being pregnant was when he took me to a local hotel to re-connect. We had dinner at their restaurant, listened to live music at thier bar. When his buddy from work showed up I went back to the room to lay down and about an hour later he came back and we made love all night. Turns out he went back to another room first to screw a slut from the bar.

We did talk last night and came up with some good compromises. I was monitering everything phone, computer, all the time. Even though he had volunteered it now he felt like he needed his own space to be able to talk and vent without me looking at it later. So I gave him back the laptop for the spare bedroom with filters in place. And I agreed that I wouldnt read any texts or voice messages from his 2 close guy friends or his parents. That way he has someplace safe. In exchange he texted OW and told her that he didn't want to discuss anything with her except the paternity test and the baby. And that they could do that by text only. He will forward me any text exchanges they have.

I hope that things will get better. It is still so new, but I know I want to stay and work it out with him. Even if our M doesnt survive this, I grew up with him and I would still want to see him get healthy so he can be happy.



Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
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