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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
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Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10001 | Registered: May 2002
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

onceinlove,

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Tried to stop over the years and was always ashamed when he'd act out again...leading to a vicious cycle.
I'm accepting that it's something I'll simply never understand. I read something yesterday on another site (a woman I know has a company that sells "love" products -- eco-friendly lubricant, etc. and she's a firm believer that intimacy has been replaced by the "act") on forgiveness. It summed up beautifully what I'm struggling with. Forgiveness, she says, is giving up hope of a better past. That's what always trips me up. My husband has been in recovery for more than two years, he's changed for the better (and I quite liked him in the first place! ) and our relationship is much deeper.
What I hate is that I can never look back at our relationship and derive security from it or comfort from it. It was a lie from the beginning. So...I'm slowly accepting that that is just the way it is. I'm hoping that I'll get to a point where I want to begin again -- a vow renewal or something that signifies a new start and gives me a date I can circle on the calendar and celebrate annually without hypocrisy. So far, it hasn't come...but I'm working on it.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwarch, I think my problem is that being with him just doesn't seem that bad to me. It's child's play compared to what I've been thru before. I have been slow to leave, I probably should have left last summer. Also, I've tried to be very forgiving of him.

As far as learning more SA, I was almost a social worker (the career of choice for codependents and addicts I've heard) so in a weird way I find all the books interesting and very informative.


Here's another practice boundary-
If you look up nude or suggestive pics of a minor again, I will notify the proper authorities.

I can't believe I would even need to think of a boundary like that.


A few questions-
Did anyone's partner admit they had a problem after being told they didnt?

Does anyone suspect their partner is putting on pounds as a shield from having to be sexual?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EO:

I love what you said: "forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past."

There are times that I feel like I can't accept the past until I know for sure what the past was. Even though FWH tells me he has confessed everything, how realistic is it to rely on the truth from a person who lied pretty much non-stop for six years?

Makes no sense. I suspect it's my mind just trying to give me the illusion of control.

There's a part of me that is still in disbelief. I guess it's early for me. I'm barely seven months out.

I have been in AA and GSA (AA for compulsive eating) for almost 20 years and have come a long way. But there is more work to be done and I know that this whole A mess is the bell signaling that it's time for me to begin the next round of coursework in the school of life. Somebody up there must think that it's time for me to face my core intimacy issues so <surprise> I get a FWH who confesses to the "unforgivable" and is actually doing the work in order to be fully present in our marriage.

If I try to cut class the lesson will just come back in a much harsher and more painful form. So I know it's time...

I went to my first S-Anon meeting last night. There were 40 people there. I'm at the point where I can share what happened without going through a box of Kleenex. There were three other newcomers who couldn't even talk. That would have been me a few months ago.

I'm hoping that this journey through the steps in S-Anon will help me get rid of all the old paradigms, biases, automatic responses and attachments that have kept me stuck --and willing to accept relationships that don't even come close to meeting my needs.



Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LDLH,

I know that feeling of "child's play", given what else you've gone through. It's just hard to read about how much you still put up with when you deserve so much better. It's kinda like the battered wife who says, "he doesn't hurt the kids" or "he didn't hit me that hard". The simple truth is you deserve a relationship in which your needs and boundaries are respected, not violated. You'll get there. It's increasingly clear that you're on your way.

onceinlove,
I too feel like it's time to face up to the issues and stop waiting for time to magically make everything better. I'm feeling strong enough to tackle it and my husband will participate too -- we're both going to go through the Recovery Nation steps, then sit down and discuss them for about 15 minutes following. I think that will help me feel that our recovery is more connected, rather than "this is his problem" and "that is my problem". I'm actually feeling more positive about it than I have in a while. I agree that if we don't face up to our role in it, it's bound to pop up again in another situation.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I joined yesterday and have been wandering around the site and posting here and there trying to get a feel for what I'm looking for. After so many years together I know my husband has a lot of pain and that it has led to his addiction, his angry behaviors towards the children and I and ,in the last couple of weeks, his attempts to erase us. I feel now that I'm the horrible witch because I need to put my children first. They can not become a third generation of sexual issues, addicts and codependents NOR will I let them continue to see and feel the psychological and emotional abuse from his inability to deal with stress. I would be willing to bargain away all my belongings but I am not bargaining with their future. Visits have been supervised but now we are supposed to be preparing for collaborative bargaining. I'm about to cause my H even more pain by going for supervised visits to conntinue and that I have legal and physical custody. Man , I feel miseerable about hurting him and even more miserable that I might not be capable enough to be successful in my bid and could hurt my children's future.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grownup,

Glad to see you found your way here to this forum.

As much as it hurts you to do this 'to' him, your children come first. You know that, but it must be so conflicting for you.

These things are certainly generational. My young adult son is almost a year clean from a substance addiction. He shares with me he struggles with sex addiction like his dad. He attends the odd SAA meeting in addition to his other meeting. He's done marvelous things with his life in the past year, but he tells me constantly he needs to guard himself against falling into SA behaviours. He is getting married later this year, and he is determined not to put his wife through what his dad put his mother through. He knows about the A.

Just wanted to share that with you so you will feel more resolute in your decision regarding visitation.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi grownup *waves*

I could be the poster child for how this addiction is generational. My grandfather is a probably sex addict, he has two coaddictive sexually repressed daughters. And now I'm dating a sex addict. If my partner and I make it far enough to have kids, there's gonna be a strict no porn policy as well as we'll both have to be in treatment.

OMG, I just had the worst idea today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

What if one day I'm having an emergency, and he won't answer my calls because he's in a whore/porn induced stupor???

My partner thinks that I don't think he loves me. I think he needs to be concerned about my feelings for him.

Has anybody's partner admit to having a problems after being told they didnt.

EO, you're right. I'm getting tired of him. He's had a lot of chances, and it's just the same crap again and again and again. It's just about to the point where I'm about to say treatment or else, it's me or the porn/hookers/god knows what else. He's only mad he got caught. He blameshifts...constantly. Or I'll just leave without shedding a tear. Everyone here is tired of listening to it, and I'm tired of saying it. Now it's very personal,too. Very! I'm not even sure if I want to have sex with him at this point. I'm almost to the point where I could say if he wants to whack off instead of having sex with me SO BE IT.


I'll be honest here. I'm a bit wary of going to counselors bc of that one experience. She was just another person making me out to be overbearing,snooping, and crazy.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 7:47 PM, January 6th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catching up but this caught my eye:
Does anyone suspect their partner is putting on pounds as a shield from having to be sexual?

No, but food addiction is the number one most common dual addiction with sex. My rSA has problems with using food to self comfort.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LDLH,
You are dating an SA? Do you have a lot of history and kids together?

If I knew what I know now when I was dating my SAH, I would have ended it right then and there.

FWH and I were talking about that very thing tonight. When we married, he was looking at porn and masturbating but his father had convinced him that was perfectly normal some time before this. He even said that had he known what he knows now, he never would have invited a woman into this horribly bizarre world.

As for the food issue, when my H was on his great screwing tour, he worked out and paid attention to his weight. Now he has regained all his weight plus. We talked about whether this was his way of burying his sexual feelings, but he admitted he was incapable of thinking that deep.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1F1B,

We do not have a lot of history nor any kids.

As far as my partner's weight goes, I"m disappointed. I'm not mad b/c he put on the weight, it's just that he says he wants to lose weight, then he'll drink 10 beers in a sitting (that's on a bad day). Then he went out and bought a bunch of chocolates.

We're serious, but I'm afraid I'll break up with him then date another one. I'm attracted to guys with a similar background as me, and that doesn't help.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:49 PM, January 6th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has any of your spouses experienced a drop in their sex life after working on their addictions?

I haven't posted since Christmas week but this came to mind.

My H joined the Army over 6 months ago after going to SA meetings for a month. During the time he's been in training he's been clean and he told me his sex drive has dropped. He was home for Christmas and for the weeks he was here, most of the time we didn't have sex more than twice a day. Before and after the As he felt the need at least 3 times a day.

He had one slip up but fortunately he couldn't look at any porn because I downloaded and installed net nanny. The slip ups have become few and far between. He'll try to find a local SA meeting once we're established at his first home base.

While he's been gone my sex drive went up so his sex drive going down a little bit was somewhat dissapointing for me. I guess his sex drive dropping along with his slip ups may not necessarily be a bad thing right? I mean we're still intimate, and we'll have sex at least once a day in normal circumstances.

They say separation is a natural "aphrodisiac" and that along with the fact that we've been R'd since April of last year has contributed to my higher sex drive....
I'm sorry if this is TMI...


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my WS fights the food wars also. Now that he is away from me, he is actually doing better, because he is so depressed he doesn't eat. When I go to visit, his appetite comes back. Now I wonder if he does eat to pack on the pounds so he doesn't have to....oh, no, he doesn't need to do that, he has an umbilical hernia so it is uncomfortable for him anyway.

ldlh - no. I told my WS last visit that he was a SA, and here are my reasons why...and he never brought it up again. Not sure what it will take for him. That is why I am trying to save my own skin. Went to my 2nd COSA meeting tonight.

onceinlove--my beliefs exactly. I am supposed to be learning something here, I know if I don't, I will get whacked over the head with something even stronger next time, and I think this is about all I can take. That is why Cosa, this site, books, counseling, whatever it takes for me! And I do the overeating thing too, when I am stuffing down my feelings.

And wow, it was really interesting reading about the generational stuff--my SA husband had a SA father, who apparently taught him the ropes. His dad's dad also had some sexual problems--can you believe he took his son (my WS's dad) to a doctor when he was just a teenager to have his penis enlarged! Child abuse!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm starting to be suspicious b/c that's kind of one of the reasons he'll use not to have sex with me.

Sometimes it's b/c he drinks too much. Or he ate too much. Sometimes I wonder if he does that purposefully. But I'm sure neither one stops him from whacking off. I guess it's nicer than when he feigned an illness though.

I'm getting tested soon, and hopefully, everything will turn out ok!

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:58 PM, January 6th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

food addiction is the number one most common dual addiction with sex

It's also the number one way that people affected by a partner's SA comfort themselves.

I have referred many sponsees to SA/S-Anon over the years. I went to my first S-Anon meeting on Monday night. There were 40 people there. All but one were women. About 30% were significantly overweight.

Many people in GSA are either sex addicts or are in relationships with them.

Food & sex are the hardest addicitions to beat because the definition of sobriety is not black and white like it is with alcohol.

Not being able to define sobriety in black and white terms creates all sorts of controversy. That's why there are so many sex-related fellowships and food-related fellowships.

It's just like religion!



Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm nearly certain the sex addiction was accelerated to replace the food addiction after my WH's weight loss surgery. He had the other addictions before-binge/spending, workaholic, eating, even drinking but never to the degree the sex addiction became.

I wonder what's next. I think it's gone back to the work addiction since the A was outed. You can't even look at him when he comes home dragging home a suitcase (not a briefcase anymore) of paperwork or he will bite your head off. He tries to eat-can only eat so much now. Drinks some wine- instantly drunk and he's asleep after one glass. He won't look at anything porn/sex/chat/singles online knowing I will freak and he knows it caused him to feel agitated-but isn't the same thing with work(the agitation/biting everyone's head off)? I think it is.

I don't understand addictive people at all. I'm not a doctor. All I know is it ruins peoples lives. It's sad to love those people (includes my Mom who was an alcoholic now dying from emphysema bit by bit).


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Food Issues - oh yeah.
My SA husband also put on a lot of weight as his addiction escalated. He also neglected his dental hygiene. I, on the other hand lost 35 lbs.

One of the requirements for R was that he get his teeth fixed and try to lose weight. When he became hurt about me mentioning those things (I had never before) I asked him to imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. What if I had screwed around for 30 years, lost all my teeth and weight 250 lbs? Would he want to R with me? He never answered but has gotten dentures and lost about 40 lbs.

If only the rest of it were that easy. He says he's working hard on his "program" but I don't see any work being done. He goes to a weekly meeting, isn't acting out (that I am aware of) and says he wants to change. I am doing the Recovery Nation workshop and feel it helps but I really don't see him doing anything but his weekly meeting and our marriage counseling.

My patience is wearing thin.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone's SA spouse gone into a residence treatment program? Do most of them work on the same principles? There seem to be a growing number of them out there that are starting to specialize in SA. This has been suggested by me when I locked him out of the house and is being suggested by his bosses.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome grownup! I'll add my voice to those who insist you can't save your spouse -- you can only save yourself and your kids. And you're not doing this TO him. You're allowing him to experience the consequences of his own choices -- likely the same way you'd allow your children's to experience the consequences of their choices because that's how people learn to make better ones. If my kids gorge on cookies, they get a stomach ache. If they throw a toy, it breaks or get taken away from them until they can treat things with respect.
My biggest mistakes in life (with an alcoholic mother and SA husband) have been "protecting" people from the consequences of their actions. Inevitably, it delays them facing the addiction. It also gives me the illusion that I have more control than I really do. It's a hard lesson, but you really only ever control yourself.

My husband's co-addiction isn't food -- it's television. He's mesmerized by it. I'm working on getting the TV out of our bedroom (moved it in after he had knee surgery and was recovering...).

Yes, life with an addict of any kind is exhausting and crazy-making. It's heartening, though, to read so many posts by those of you who are fed up and taking back their own lives. Bravo!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Eternal Optimist. It is crazy how I can KNOW the right things to do yet still have so much difficulty putting it into action. Your husband appears to want to do anything to change for the better. That must be difficult to do as I know my husband just can't do that. Do you find you are able to be proud of him for those commitments or do you feel you just go day by day? My H seems only willing to do what someone makes him do. In the midst of my reading copious amounts of material I'm trying to understand the disconnect he is doing with the kids (I expected disconnect with me but not them). So many partners (and there are tons!!!) make him unable to connect with with his own kids even though he feels there should be a connection. Intensity over intimacy totally describes my husband in all his relationships with people, work and play.

[This message edited by grownup at 10:11 AM, January 7th (Wednesday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
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