I just think maybe it is over. Maybe ouir problems are too big, maybe he is not able to give me what I need.
I just feel broken. Not sure how I am going to even get through the next minute. let alone the hour or the day.
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame.
I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...
I had a dream my life would be
So different form this hell I'm living
so different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.
ETA - For me, I think my healing has to come from giving up the dream, because there is still a part of me that doesn't want to accept who my H was and what our M was for all those years. I was always an idealist, especially when I first met my H. I believed we were so lucky, so different from everyone else. I believed we had something so few people ever have and over the years, as my H became more distant and I became more disillusioned and more bitter, I wondered what happened to change what I thought we were. I worked so hard to bring that back and during the last few years of my H's LTA I let myself believe in us and made this fantasy up about us, that somehow we had come through a rough patch in our M and we were once again, special only to find out that he had been living a lie.
So now, I will continue to try to accept what is real about my M and my H and maybe if I can do that, I will be able to heal.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:18 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)]
FNF - Those words strike a huge chord with me. Yes, I was you and naive but I BELIEVED. I believed in him. I believed in US. I thought we had something so special and to know that all that time I was being dragged through the mud...
If you have read my story you know that OW kids and my kids are friends--have been since my oldest-19 was in 4th grade, went to the same schools and her two oldest (both boys)graduated HS with my oldest. My oldest does know about H's affair but not with who. Her kids don't know anything about the affair as far as I know..I maybe wrong but I am trying to keep the kids out of it as I feel that they have nothing to do with their parents actions and even if they knew I don't think it would stop the affair anyway...
One of her boys (RAY) has been living with his dad (he lives 2 blks from my house) and at 8:45 last night he knocked on my door. He has been over to my house many times but not that late. However I let him in as he was upset and crying. He told me his dad had thrown him out and asked to use the phone. I said no problem and let him in. He called his mom's cell (OW)-no answer. She was probably at home getting ready to go to work but did not pu the phone or call back--(this was probably due to seeing my home #-he called both his sisters' cell #s who live at home with OW but no answer...
He did not know what to do or where to go. He told me he wanted to go to his mom's and so I took him..No way was I letting him walk the streets with no where to go.. I took him to his mom's house (I now know where she lives). I also knew that she would be gone by the time I got there..
We talked on the way and he told me that he is trying to get into the Navy (I already knew that info from my son).
He also told me that his mom was still battling cancer (they found another lump after masectomy and breast reconstruction on both breasts--I already knew this as well).
I asked him if he was going to be able to stay at his mom's and he said he hoped so as he was only allowed to come over on the weekends--(of course I know why--that's so my H can see her during the weekdays and she doesn't have to worry about kids being around and finding out).
I let him out and waited until one of his sisters opened the door.
On the way to work this morning--H called me and I said to him--I better tell you about last night as you will probably find out anyway..I know both of my boys will mention Ray being thrown out and me taking him to his mom's as well as OW probably emailing him and bitchin about the fact that I now know where she lives--well, F&^$ HER!
Anyone who screws a MM and puts them above their own kids is clearly a piece of shit anyway! Same goes for my H!! RANT OVER----
Thanks for listening....and Hugs to all!
Fnf, I am sorry too for your loss.
For me, I think my healing has to come from giving up the dream, because there is still a part of me that doesn't want to accept who my H was and what our M was for all those years
LostH, you're always saying to cut some slack. Now cut some for yourself!
Errrr Ukg..which part of do as I say, not as I do, did I miss out??
As for you Miss Shirley!!!
But, really, how is your H doing? Is his mood better? Is he being more civil to you?
My H continues to slide down. He is being much better at home actually but his anger is never far from the surface. Last night my DS refused to take his medicine (he is unwell and doesnt like pills,preferring liquid medicine) and H flipped his lid. He later told me that he had gotten so angry at DS that he threw his pecan pastries on the floor and ground them now.
I think he too was shocked at how angry he was and stayed cooped up in the study on his PC till late. I saw to the kids, calmed DS down and went to bed.
He knows he has issues. He knows they are getting worse. He refuses to do anything about it. Guess he will have to probably hit rock bottom before he is ready...
I am beginning to believe that fully recovery of the marriage and my soul will just not happen.
Shirley, keep the faith Sweetie. Both of you have worked and are working really hard on R. You wont get the old M back but theres no stopping building a completely new one, KWIM?
Dont play his games. Ask him straight up. I agree with Shirley..this behaviour is just not on.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
I know. I am waiting to see what else happens. I am not ready to show my cards yet. I am about ready to get out of this marriage. He has not cheated since dday, but he seems to haev such issues with boundaries and what s okay adn what is not and choosing to push those boundaries like a two year old. "Well, you only said I couldn't do this, you never said this....". I am just too tired for that conversation. We'll see where these sites lead to and they may very well lead to our divorce.
Again, I am just exhausted. If you pray, I could use a few sent up. I just feel like I can't hold myself up anymore.
When H called me this morning and I explained what I did--he listened but didn't say anything and then changed the subject--what could he say? I know that he is still in contact and he knows I know it..I did what I did out of compassion for her son and that's what I told my H--her family is F*&%#$ UP--no thanks to her. Of course she and my H will probably blame her EX for the situation but whatever...Since her son is now back home-at least for now, it might put a crimp in their daily activities. I guess she'll just have to try and pawn her son off on someone else!
this site has shown me alot of amazing humans....
I'm sorry to hear about your parents.
I wanted to share something that came up in IC this week. I was saying to IC how I missed praying and the rituals that accompanied that; and how last week, during my break, I had a little light go off, regarding this.
You see, after dday#1, I was a little miffed with God, but believed that there was A REASON why God allowed H to do what he did; it was a lesson for me to learn. H re-inforced that with the reasons he gave (and I took on)that whilst having a 2.5 year A was wrong, it was all my fault (I was too involved with the kids; never enough sex, blah blah, most of you have it heard it all before). So I thought that dday actually saved my M and gave me a 2nd chance to be a better W. And so I prayed hard for God to help me be a better W for H; sometimes even breaking down in tears with the knowledge that I drove the poor man to break his vows. Yeah...I was one messed up dude.
I spiralled down and did a great job of beating myself up for failing God,H and my children and the whole world...cue S attempt.
Then came dday#2, with it the end of the world as I thought I knew it. My whole M and hence my whole adult life had been a sham. In knocking off H off his pedastal, I threw the bathwater out as well. God had failed me. I knew that I had tried darn hard all those years ago to be a good W and M, so why didnt He protect me? I did my part, dammit. What was so bad about me? This was not fair. So I abandoned God for I believed that He too was a lie....I was alone.
Cue 1 year later, I am doing much better than I ever thought possible. Not only have I not been struck down, I have a job, I am a Contributer, I have Purpose, I have Value and I make a difference. I am starting to believe in myself and when I look around, I am so so grateful for all that I have. And a small part of me niggles that it could not have been possible without Him.
So why then I am still struggling with God?
This is what came out in IC.
1.Adultery is a HUGE sin in my religion, so bad that its the punishment is likened to death.
2.I hated my father for his LTAs and vowed that I would never stay M'd to a cheater, let alone M anyone like that.
In staying with H, I went against 2 of my very own core beliefs. And hence, I have since stayed away from God, because I was ashamed for still being in this M, which has been a farce from day 1.
IC says I need to forgive myself for staying, and accept that H will be judged by a Higher Power oneday; that me staying with him does not and should not reflect on my relationship with God; it doesnt make me a hypocrite as it appears I believe myself to be, for doing so.
Big hugs for anyone who needs them. And for those of you who are riding a good wave, let us know...it does bring some sunshine to our lodge.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 5:10 PM, April 17th (Friday)]
just lost my post so I will attempt again later in word processor so I can copy and paste.
then i realized that i had prayed every single day a prayer that "he" answered...."please let my husband "SEE" what he has, what he is losing with his kids and me, please open his eyes.....so "god" answered by opening my eyes to my wh's multiple lta's and other crap.....now he "SEES" as i asked but he still continues to lie....so he "SEES" and my kids have a better father, however its at the price of their mother and should the cat come out of the bag to my kids...that too will be blown away...but he "SEES".....so now i pray everyday a new prayer, and its an either/or prayer.....either give him what he needs to stop ALL the lying, or give me what i need to move on without him.....of course moving on without him is a conundrum, because i will stay in this marriage in name only for my children and my children will know nothing, because as i see it they are all teenagers, at an age where surrounding influences and life altering event will shape them and change them....so if i choose to throw him out now, my kids will be miserable and devasted, i will be miserable and devasted so who wins, and even if i manage to not be miserable without him, the fact of my kids being miserable will make me miserable...so i lose either way, why should my kids lose....not to mention financially it would be better for now anyways....once they are done with college, well then thats another story...in the meantime my husband can step up to the plate with his kids, one of them in particular (the one he emotionally abused) and right that wrong (after all isn't that what i prayed for)....however if this changes and he goes back to the dad he was before he "SEES" then he's out...i will not have a single reason to keep him here except money...and that would not be enough of a reason...my kids emotional well being is the only reason he is in this house now, because as much as he "SEES", he is still "blind" to the fact that he still lies....
i keep wondering what lesson i am supposed to be learning, or where is the open door, since the old one is closing.....aside from a hurt like no other...what am i getting out of this, was my whole existance just for my kids and when my kids are set where the fuck will i be, aside from even older then i am now.......
Today is my DD's bday party...a houseful of 9 year old girls. Have mercy.
Lady, watch your language!
Soon FWH will be getting up for work (busy season again). Being away was really good for us but something feels 'off' now. I just don't know what is making me feel so unsettled. I don't feel confident of anything or capable of knowing how to proceed. SoLost said it the other day: Not sure how I am going to even get through the next minute. let alone the hour or the day.
I'm dreading the wkend... too much time alone to think. I know that a Pity Party won't help. What good is a party of one anyway?
I had lots of questions after dday. I'm Catholic...so guilt is abundant and we heap it on ourselves! lol I was angry at God and wondering what I did to deserve this, etc. All the same stuff.
I started reading my Bible. Really reading it. Listening to what God said. Pausing afterwards to hear what He might say to me after I had read. Praying beforehand that He woudl lead me to what I needed to know. I ended up starting a weekly Bible study with my mom's group at church adn it has been immensely helpful. Although I don't discuss this exact topic with them.
I have found that God gives us free will. So bad things happen. Idiot husbands screw up. God does not stop all the bad things from happening, that woudl take away our free will. We have to chose Him. But he tries to turn those bad things in to good things. The affair turning in to a closer and better marriage or a H coming to know God. I don't know.
But it has helped me to realize that this may not be about me at all. This maybe about my H, or my marriage or even the ow and her journey through life. But I have to believe from what I read in the Bible that God will turn it all around and I will be rewarded later. This life is just a blink of an eye to Him.
OK, didn't mean to get all preaching for those who skied that part. Just trying to say, don't just look at what your religion or religious leaders say about guilt and fault adn vows,....read the Bible and you might find a bit more forgiveness.
All that said, I am doing terribly. H adn I have talked very little int he past 4 days. I just can't do it anymore. I am fine at work or where ever, but when I come home I feel sick and sad and just breaking apart. I try to just steer clear of him.
H is scared I think. Doesn't know what to do. We talked briefly about facebook and all. He has still looked at it a couple times but all old friends that I know an wouldn't have an issue with. I honestly didn't tell him not to use it, and we only hit on it briefly. I basically said,
give up. I told you in September that I needd you to initiate doing things together and to initiate sex and to make an effort. We have not done anything but watch tv alone since then adn have not had sex. I give up. Then you join a social network thing where you can talk to other women privately and it's just too much.You would rather look at porn than be with me.
He keeps trying to hold my hand, give me a hug, told me then he wanted to be with me, thought he had been doing things with me, he was trying. I just said nothing. I have o idea where to go from here. For some reason I feel like i am feeling all the hurt of the affair all over again. And I physically hurt in my stomach although I know nothing is physically wrong with me. I HATE this.
I can't make my H love me like he used to. I can't make my H stop talking to OW or wanting to be with her.
I'm tired of reaching for my H in bed and he just lays there. I'm tired of telling him I love him first. He never says that to me first.
I don't know what God wants me to do about this. So I'm being myself, living with him the best I can and putting my emotions on hold to prevent any further heartaches.
"It ain't about love anymore."
[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 2:31 AM, April 24th (Friday)]