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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do understand that if he is still saying that then he is still projecting

Yeah, I know Shirley.
I guess if I hadnt heard that so often growing up, it wouldnt have such an impact on me.

This depression of his is just so...tiring.
Take this morning; he has been "working" from home for a few days and didnt want to go into the office today as he has nothing to show for it. So he called in with a back ache problem and assured them that he would see a GP for it.
I am not even shocked that he can lie like this....prob resigned.
He told me he doesnt know what to do (about not being able to concentrate and work) and its the same things he has been saying for the last year or so. I sometimes glibly reassure him or just keep quiet. If I am feeling strong, I tell him what he knows already: antideps for a start. Today I told him that he HAS to make that appt for antideps; that in this economic climate, he just cant be gambling like this. He got upset with me but I walked away instead of engaging. I dont know what he wants me to do, cos apart from making the appt for him, everything is up to him. He has to want to get better. Me wanting it for him just is not enough.

***

Iím getting too much into my head and foo crap

Ukg, I think for many of us, thriving after this will mean getting into this FOO stuff, and getting rid of our FOO crap, which undoubtedly is linked to ALL the choices we made thus far in this M and in R..in everything.And most imptly, in our choice of H.
KWIM?
(((((((Ukg)))))))

****

Don't get it. don't get it. Don't get it. (How many times have we all said that one?)

How much space do we have here?
I remember my H's shock when we went for the STD testing and he found out that oral sex was considered unprotected sex. Since they used condoms most of the time, he figured they were alright. Just shows how disconnected they are from reality.

Are you still having frequent dreams about the OW? that's no fun

Understatement. Its been awhile so when they started, they caught me by surprise. Think its due to IC dredging up stuff...

WN, way to go on the way you and H are handling his sex drive issue.

****

Re H reading the article, I didnt even consider it. I think he is in such a fragile state of mind right now, I am wary about pushing him down further, KWIM?



LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled lots, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

- THE END
Hi girls,
Sorry I haven't had much time lately to post but I just had to post this little ditty. A friend sent it to me and I thought all of you might enjoy this as much as I did.
Take care everyone and as soon as things settle down, I'll be back to post.
Miss you all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi fnf, I haven't posted in ages either--nice to see you and nice little ditty!

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am so sorry, i need to let it out...i can't seem to let go of the pain... i am sitting here crying my eyes out, the bad cry the one where the snots just keep dripping and to boot the pain in my chest won't let up either...i took a xanax, and its not helping either,,,,,he keeps saying how much he loves me but i don't believe him, how can you love someone and cause them so much pain...i don't think he knows how to love anyone including himself....i want so much to feel that love , i knew we had problems but i really thought he loved me, he never really did, how could he...he abused me emotionally for years upon years and i always thought it was because of his parents i never knew he loved another the whole damn time...he was never there for me...even when my grandparents died he was with her in spirit...although when my grandfather died i actually think he was with her physically.....i don't deserve this....i deserve so much better....he doesn't know what love is...its when you put yourself aside when they need you, its when you put yourself out there time and time again....all he does is lie and lie...even loving me is a lie...i loved him unconditonally...i want that kind of love....i deserve that kind of love....i don't know what triggered me tonite....but i can't seem to make it stop....and if i can't make it stop the pain in my chest won't stop......i am trying to focus on my workshop tomorrow but its not working....i was so excited now all i am is HURT and in PAIN.....i sometimes wich i could just close my eyes and not wake up....i want to crawl in to a hole and stay there....but i know that i can't because i have kids and they need me more then they need me...i have kids and they need me more then they need him...i need to keep saying that...i need to live it, breathe it, i need to live it and beathe it....i am so sorry to just rant, i need to rant, ineed to get it out, i need to purge....why WHY WHY WHY WHY i seem to only want to scream why WHY WHY WHY.....i deserve better....oh the pain is still there....i need to breathe ...she was always there....she was always there....damn i must really be working off some kind of karma from a past life.....but no i have 3 amazing kids, i am so grateful for my kids they are so cool...i even like them....i love my kids,,,need to concentrate on my kids.....my kids mean everything to me.....this will pass....oh thank god its finally starting to ease some this chest pain is so out there.....stress...what would i do without it...have a good life that what...lol....need to find some humor.....i will be loved the way i deserve to be loved,.....but will i still have all my teeth....will it be in this lifetime...will it be tomorrow...will it be period....yes it will...i believe it will....i need to believe it will....

thank you all so much, this site has been such a blessing. being able to post and just get it out there in the universe is such an amazing purging....tomorrow i go to the city to go to a workshop with van praagh...if the universe truly has a message it would a really good time...and if there is no message i really hope to learn how to connect with my own soul....to learn how to find peace in this lifetime....i have alot to be grateful for...my 3 great kids, a mom who got thru even worse then this and raised me right, a roof over my head, some amzing freinds....i am relatively healthy (she says as the pain in her chest still griops her...LOL), i have a cool sense of humor, i am a good freind....i found s.i. my salvation....my family is o.k. in this economy,....i could go on an on....but i've ranted enough....i am taking my wh laptop with me, so i can keep in touch......

i hop all of you new freinds are doing o.k......when i last checked a few of you were having some bad moments yourselves, i hope thats changed....all of us deserve so much better.....

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:09 PM, April 2nd (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

computer glitch quadruple post

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:03 PM, April 2nd (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

computer glitch, quad post....

sorry

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:04 PM, April 2nd (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

computer glitch, quad post...working on it

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:02 PM, April 2nd (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, just a big hug before I dash out. ((((((((miracle))))))))

Now. This is NOT about you. Reread the posts to date. There is nothing wrong with you. He abused your trust and trashed the love you had for him. He was unbelievably selfish. As in UNBELIEVABLE and as in SELFISH. You are a wonderful, big hearted, caring person and you have been blindsided by that 40T truck. Do not expect an easy recovery. If this was physical, youíd still be on the operating table with the surgeons trying to piece you back together.

This is about his bad choices. His belief that you would never know. This other world he lived in away from you. He made those decisions and chose to exclude you from that decision making progress.

I have to run, but please, please, please, donít rip yourself to shreds over it. This will get better. It will. Trust me. Make yourself an IC appt.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Miracle)))) It does suck adn it is awful adn you do need to get it out. But I have to reiterate what UKGirl said, this is about his crap, his mistakes, his not getting what a great thing he had and screwing it up.

(((LH)))) SO he will not call to get meds? What is his reasoning? I know you must be so frustrated.

I am just crying this morning. I think sleep deprived is not helping me. I cried at work half the day b/c people asked me all about H and the ambulance visit adn I went in to details and it was hard. But also cathartic adn they are all super understanding.

Last night at 3:30 am he wakes up and says he needs a snack. It was so strange, he has never done that. I asked him to check his sugar and he did and it was totally fine. So he got a snack adn went back to bed. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I just have this irrational thing about if I don't wake up, he will die.And to be honest, if I didn't wake up on Sunday, he woudl have died. Maybe two hours or less and that woudl be it.

Then I ask him what time he came to bed. 1 am. OK, you never come to bed that early but I didn't say anything. I check the computer and it was after 2 am adn after looking at porn. That seems to happen several times a week for about 10 minutes ( ). We have not had sex in 7 months. I can't take it. I don't even know what to do anymore. I have talked about it. He says "We'll make a date for this week" , and more months go by. He clearly doesn't want to have sex with me and woudl rather look at porn. I just can't live in this marriage.

And yet if he lives alone, I suspect he will die within a year or two. Who woudl find him with the low blood sugar? I feel so freaking stuck adn unsure and unhappy.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Miracle,
You are one smart cookie, you know that?
You appeared to have figured out much of what took me over a year to get to!

he keeps saying how much he loves me but i don't believe him,...i don't think he knows how to love anyone including himselfhe was never there for me....i deserve so much better.......i have kids and they need me more then they need him

Read through what you have written, Miracle..you seem to be on the right track. Word of advice: dont force yourself to feel what you dont feel...rather stay neutral instead of forcing your heart to feel a love thats not there, KWIM?
And your H can etch ILY on 1000 grains of rice...it wouldnt change a damn thing: only his real actions hereon will show you the man you would want to stay married to. Actions like being transparent; going into IC and being willing to look into his darkness to find out why he became this person and how he can change; always being there for you whether you want to cry/vent/a hug...its the real tangible stuff that will slowly heal your heart.

he abused me emotionally for years upon years and i always thought it was because of his parents

At some point in the future, Miracle, you are going to have to address this, for YOU to heal your OWN heart. Remember, not now..later.

For now, I am sending you big hugs. Know that you were heard and understood.
((((((((Miracle)))))))))

***
SoLost,
Is there a monitor which could sound an alarm if he has another attack? Like the ones you have for epileptics or people with heart problems?

Sweetie, I just dont know what to say about the sex/porn issue. Have you guys raised this in MC yet?

How about you take some time out this weekend? Let him watch the kiddos and you spend some time alone/gf/sisters. You sound exhausted.

((((((SoL))))))

***
Hey Fnf and Whimsey.
HOw are you doing Whimsey?

Fnf, Thinking of you and your sister. I hope H is being there for you.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Miracle,
You are one smart cookie, you know that?
You appeared to have figured out much of what took me over a year to get to!

he keeps saying how much he loves me but i don't believe him,...i don't think he knows how to love anyone including himselfhe was never there for me....i deserve so much better.......i have kids and they need me more then they need him

Read through what you have written, Miracle..you seem to be on the right track. Word of advice: dont force yourself to feel what you dont feel...rather stay neutral instead of forcing your heart to feel a love thats not there, KWIM?
And your H can etch ILY on 1000 grains of rice...it wouldnt change a damn thing: only his real actions hereon will show you the man you would want to stay married to. Actions like being transparent; going into IC and being willing to look into his darkness to find out why he became this person and how he can change; always being there for you whether you want to cry/vent/a hug...its the real tangible stuff that will slowly heal your heart.

he abused me emotionally for years upon years and i always thought it was because of his parents

At some point in the future, Miracle, you are going to have to address this, for YOU to heal your OWN heart. Remember, not now..later.

For now, I am sending you big hugs. Know that you were heard and understood.
((((((((Miracle)))))))))

***
SoLost,
Is there a monitor which could sound an alarm if he has another attack? Like the ones you have for epileptics or people with heart problems?

Sweetie, I just dont know what to say about the sex/porn issue. Have you guys raised this in MC yet?

How about you take some time out this weekend? Let him watch the kiddos and you spend some time alone/gf/sisters. You sound exhausted.

((((((SoL))))))

***
Hey Fnf and Whimsey.
HOw are you doing Whimsey?

Fnf, Thinking of you and your sister. I hope H is being there for you.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my last post, I did some net searching and after 2 years 7 months, i finally found a pic of OW2. She has haunted me for oh..so long. And now I can out a face to this demon.
He just confirmed it is her, after waffling that it was too blurry and looked like her but not sure..etc.
She is posed with her only DD.
She is very pretty.
She is the demon that has haunted my life for the last 5 years. I want to cry. I want to hurl things. I want to have a meltdown and just let go. But I wont.
His reaction was so typical. Why couldnt he have thrown up instead of asking where I got it from? Why couldnt he have burst into tears instead of asking me "Now what?", then carry on watching TV like nothing has happened.
He had deleted all his pics of her, of them together, pics of her parts of her naked body, pics of her face cos she so pretty. So finally after all this time I find it...her looking happy with her DD.

And he just sits here watching TV..not knowing the storm raging in my heart.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lostheart2 and everyone else. How am I? Good question.

Things have settled down into a routine of sorts--everyday life is decent--we have a schedule for dealing with OC--and I have happy times some of the time. We're about to tell the kids in the next few months, as soon as all of them are close enough to deal with face-to-face--so that's a biggie hanging over our heads. Lots of anxiety for both of us.

I still think of my life as it is now and forever changed, every day. H is a pretty good H for a 30+ year marriage--but after his A experiences, I continue to yearn for more. I've asked him what he wants in our M, and his reply is what I would have said pre-infidelity--caring to hear about each other's day and lives, companionship, doing stuff together, family stuff, sex,a feeling of emotional closeness, unquestioning committment--but to me it now doesn't feel like enough. And I think I want what isn't possible at our age and length of time together.

You know all the stuff that they didn't have to deal with during the infidelity--bills, trash, cleaning up, dealing with illness, etc.--it just feels to me that he had something that might have been a fantasy (with real feelings thrown in--this was a LTA after all), but it was something that can't be compared to a long term M--and I'm still jealous of that, and yearning to feel some of those feelings between US again--probably impossible, but there it is.

Something you wrote is so true for me--"not knowing the storm raging in my heart." I still get these storms sometimes, and not necessarily A-related--just that yearning for a deep feeling of being special like I had before, during all the ups and downs of our M--and that's gone forever. Still mourn that.

Course it's not easy with OW still in the picture cuz of OC. Never will be, but that's getting easier the more H shows he's doing what he does to put our M first, over and over and over!!!

But IC helps and I'm getting used to the feeling that something awful might happen and I have no control over it and I can survive whatever comes down the pike, cuz I am strong enough and just plain "enough"--but I still resent the fact. Liked my own little fantasy I used to have about our M!!

It's so hard to read everyone's stories--all different but so many of the struggles are the same for all of us. If I have to be a member of such a tribe as this, I'm glad all of you are part of it.

Still loving CA and its beauties--got into hiking and biking out here and have a job I love and a H I love despite everything and wonderful kids. So on balance, I guess I'm pretty OK.

Ask me again next week though, lol!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Whimsey.
Do you ever think that you could feel "a new kind of special" in the M? Or was that old special more of an innocence and naivete that is forever gone?
And if there is a new kind of special, how would you think you would be able to get it? And is it necessarily tied in with your H,or is more how you view yourself?

I must admit I do feel a little jealous when people compare their M from before and talk about feeling special before. I guess its because my M sucked majorly before, and I never did feel special but convinced myself to, convinced myself that he will too in time.

I am feeling really ugly today.
Tomorrow is my bday. Can I drown in my own indulgent vat of self pity? I have to put on a smile and fake here irl. I am spending this afternoon with my mum and sister..a girly one at the mall. Tomorrow will be a birthday lunch prepared by my mum of my fav food. So all in all I am pretty fortunate.

Yet I feel so ugly and unwanted. I was fine till I saw her pic.

37 years ago I was born to people who didnt want me. Getting pg with me meant that my mum could never go back to her family from whom she had run away. She was trapped...a 17 year old excommunicated from her community and now stuck in endless hotels and hiding from the police until she turned 18. Getting pg with me meant that my dad had to now get rid of his W and his son, so that he could bring his pg OW into his family home. When she went into labour, she was all alone in a labour ward run by nuns...still dont know where dad was during this time. When she cried out in pain for her mom, a nun slapped her and told her she should have thought of that before getting pg.
It was a horrible time for everyone, and that was what I was born into.

When we M'd, I thought I had finally found someone who really wanted me..after all he was marrying me, right?
I thought finally I was safe and was able to let down some of those guards.
Never for a second thinking that he M'd me cos he couldnt have MOW#1; that he M'd me to get back at her; that he M'd me cos he had someone who showed him how wonderful and clever and smart and wise and sexy he was in that mirror she held up for him; that he M'd me so he could have someone who would love and care for him whilst he just went on with his life, not for a second thinking that he would have to give anything back after the wedding.

He asked me last week what I wanted for my bday..and I said something from your heart. YEsterday he asked me again to just tell him what I wanted, from which shop and he would go an dget it with the kids, so that the kids felt like they were doing something for me.

Today I told him not to bother. God, I have been doing this for the whole M...trying to bail him out so he looks good to everyone else. The only times he ever got me something of his bat was when he bought OW#2's gifts and got me the same things in different colours. When I think how grateful and surprised I was then..

So I will do what I have done a few times in this M...I will get some gifts today, give it to him to parcel out to the kids so that he can them back to me tomorrow. That way I get what I want, he looks good and the kids feel nice.
And everyone wins, right?

You know what image is haunting me right now..him having spent the evening with that pretty slim thing, then coming home to me..fat, ugly W, bleary eyed from being up with the babies, confused and disoriented from lack of sleep and exhaustion but still managed to cook him a meal and leave it nicely presented in the oven...in the off chance that he might be hungry after his late night working. If I could go back in time, I would slap myself silly.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostheart2, what a sad story--hugs to you. And happy birthday greetings from me--you are dealing with so much

Funny, I have that image of saving dinner for H during the infidelity, thinking I was being a caring wife--and he wasn't even seeing OW most of those late nights--it was a long distance thing--but he did talk on the phone on the commute home every night. Then home to little wife's dinner all nicely saved for him. I cringe at that memory.

Do you ever think that you could feel "a new kind of special" in the M? Or was that old special more of an innocence and naivete that is forever gone?
And if there is a new kind of special, how would you think you would be able to get it? And is it necessarily tied in with your H,or is more how you view yourself?

[/quote

I know you're right--and much of my recovery does have to do with how I view myself, and that's all improving. It was naivete and innocence in the pre-A M--but I still don't think that expecting fidelity is necessarily naive or innocent--seems to be part of the vows and normal expectations of marriage. Even though anyone who reads the newspapers should understand that there are no guarantees of fidelity!!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostheart2, what a sad story--hugs to you. And happy birthday greetings from me--you are dealing with so much

Funny, I also have that image of saving dinner for H during the infidelity, thinking I was being a caring wife--and he wasn't even seeing OW most of those late nights--it was a long distance thing--but he did talk on the phone on the commute home every night. Then home to little wife's dinner all nicely saved for him. I cringe at that memory.

Do you ever think that you could feel "a new kind of special" in the M? Or was that old special more of an innocence and naivete that is forever gone?
And if there is a new kind of special, how would you think you would be able to get it? And is it necessarily tied in with your H,or is more how you view yourself?

[/quote

I know you're right--and much of my recovery does have to do with how I view myself, and that's all improving. It was naivete and innocence in the pre-A M--but I still don't think that expecting fidelity is necessarily naive or innocent--seems to be part of the vows and normal expectations of marriage. Even though anyone who reads the newspapers should understand that there are no guarantees of fidelity!!

I just have the leftover resentments that I think will always be there for me, part of the cracked foundation of my M--not impossible to deal with or to have a decent M with--just sort of wistfully missing something, or wishing it were different or something.

There's a thread in reconciliation called "Marriage of Convenience" so something like that. I can relate to some of it, though I think my H is more aware and giving in some ways, there is that element of settling for something less than what I thought I signed up for--and it's not awful or negative--more of reality. Someone wrote on there that a realist is an optimist with experience. That's sort of what I am--an optimist for sure by nature, now a realist with some optimistic leanings as far as marriage goes.

Gotta go shopping for food--H and I are making a "date" of it today cuz he has some deadlines he has to work on most of today!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle Ė how are you today? Did you make that appt? Please realise that what you are going though and your reactions are perfectly normal. This is grief. There will be all the stages of grief and sometimes youíll have them all in one day. Right now, you are grappling to understand what has happened to you and why. You are blaming yourself and that is so, so wrong. You keep getting whacked down again by baseball bat revelations and they are knocking you sideways before you can even catch your breath. In the end, you think itís just not worth even trying to get up from the floor. Somehow, itís easier to just stay down. Try to step back a little and give yourself some TLC. You do deserve better and you have always deserved better. My FWH was so full of remorse and sadness and his own grief at what he had done to me, that somehow that made it worse! I kept thinking that if he loved me, then why the fuck did he do this? Well, hon. I still havenít worked that one out and I still have a million unanswered questions and I still wonder wtf Iím doing with someone who slipped away so easily and without conscience. Take a deep breath and say you were enough, you are enough and you will always be enough. (Thanks BT) He is the one who was lacking.

SoL, my heart goes out to you with all the worry. You cannot place any blame on yourself, your H is responsible now for his health, you are his assistant when his health fails through no fault of his own. You need to sleep!! No one can manage without sleep. How about an alarm? There must be something he can attach should he need intervention again, then you could relax a bit more.

There was an article by Naomi Wolfe in todayís paper about the effects of porn. She also wrote in the New York mag saying pretty much the same thing: hereís the link.
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
You could get your H to read it and tell him THAT is why heís not interested in sex. And SoL, itís not you heís rejecting, itís reality. He needs to get back to reality, heís spent way too long having other people take full care of him and being thoroughly selfish. I think you should bring it up in MC too. More and more marriages are ending in D when the woman has finally had enough of being porn being the first choice for sexual gratification.

LostH, címon sweetie. You know it doesnít matter what the OW looked like. I know Iíve done the comparing myself, even wondering if these new boobs are here b/c of her larger bosom, feeling I was inadequate in that department. Which is stupid, I know. The fact she has a career, is bright and intelligent, blah, blah. I could go on. But. If H had wanted to be with her that much, he would have gone. I know I say he would have gone if I had found out before (and I think he would have), but the fact is he didnít. Ergo, I was his choice over her. And the same scenario is for you. The fact is that it wasnít going to work, she did not want him FT and I bet he didnít want her FT. As for her being ďprettyĒ, one thing is for sure, she was ďpretty fucking uglyĒ on the inside!!!

It makes me so sad to read about your background, but it doesnít matter how you came to be here. You are here and you have produced your wonderful children. Those OWís arenít worth a light. They are not living your life, you are. And itís turning out just fine. You are clever, bright, loving and you have a huge ability to look into yourself. You will become whole and you will become the person you want to be. Itís inside, just waiting to come out. You would never want to be in the OWís shoes anyhow. Chuck them in the mental bin.

Hi wimsey, great to hear from you!

Something you wrote is so true for me--"not knowing the storm raging in my heart." I still get these storms sometimes, and not necessarily A-related--just that yearning for a deep feeling of being special like I had before, during all the ups and downs of our M--and that's gone forever. Still mourn that.

Same here, sadly. There is so much I feel we have lost, and it was all so unnecessary. He still thinks we can have it back, but I know we canít. I resent all that he took from me and gave to OW without me knowing. Iím not sure how we will be in 12mths time, I still take it day by day, week by week and month by month, never looking more than about 3mths ahead. Itís a deep, cavernous sadness in my heart and I just donít know how I would continue with an OC to deal with. I thought you were about to tell your kids some time ago? Will you do it with just H, you and them, or have a counsellor present? I take my hat off to you, you are one wonderful woman.

Funny, I also have that image of saving dinner for H during the infidelity, thinking I was being a caring wife Ö.. Then home to little wife's dinner all nicely saved for him. I cringe at that memory.

Which sometimes he didnít want if heíd eaten with MOW. I donít cringe so much as wish Iíd hit him. I want to smack him one for making me do that and for him getting unreasonably angry b/c he didnít want to be home after being with her on some fuckfest. Bastard.

Hugs to the Tribe. (((((LTA tribe)))))A


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, we were going to tell the kids, then the middle one set a wedding date and who wants to ruin that?? Then time just slips by, regular life, and it's too draining to think of all the scenarios and ramifications, so another week is gone and we still haven't done it. Also hard logistically with one overseas and one 6 hours away,--I know all excuses, but can you blame me?

But I do think that once that is over with, maybe H and I can proceed a bit more in our rebuilding--the guilt and anxiety about telling the kids is still paralyzing H and the anxiety is getting to me now as well.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What has been suggested over in the OC thread? I mean, you can't keep this away from them forever, or can you? Has anyone given you some guidelines for how to go about this? I just can't help thinking that the longer it goes on, the harder it will be. Bit like a LTA. kwim?

But I'm not in your shoes, so it's ok to tell me to bog off.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone on the OC thread has adult children--the littler kids just accept a baby who is their sibling, not really understanding what it all means. Now that I think of it, not too many half-sibs who are teens, and the few I remember took it very badly.

A lot of this delay was at my request--I just could not deal with facing their hurt and bewilderment when I was feeling cut off at the knees myself. And as I said, the time slipped by and we "couldn't get out of it" and just tell them (sounds like my H and the LTA).

Thanks for the support--I'll let you know when it happens.

Never tell you to bog off--all opinions are welcome.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
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