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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 13th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

order the grocery shop (bet I can’t get a slot)

UKG- don't mean to be dense but what does this mean? Do you have to make appointments for grocery shopping around the holidays?
More importantly, how are you? Do you not enjoy the hubbub of the holidays and want your H to take that over? It's funny how different we can be. I would never relinquish the holidays to my H. He would make such a mess of it all and I would be so disappointed. In a weird way, although I hate that my d-day is 12/23, it is also good because I get so involved with holiday preparations I almost don't have time to think about my H's LTA. I just love the holidays and all the ensuing chaos.
If I were you though, I would not do one thing above and beyond what you enjoy about the holidays for yourself and your boys of course. Would going out to dinner be out of the question if your H doesn't want to take care of dinner preparation?
I guess I just want to encourage you not to let your H's lack of enthusiasm spoil your holiday. Focus on what you love and do only that. (((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 14th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering the samething, FNF. It sounds like Dickens, doesn't it? Remember how the Cratchit's had to have someone else (the baker or someone) cook their Christmas turkey?

I definitely agree with your point to UKg though. Do only the parts you enjoy. If he is going to crap out on you, don't knock yourself out to make up for it. Do what you comfortably can.

***************
Lost,

You can tell your IC to back off on the leaving if you need to. You don't want to overwhelm yourself. Tell her she's made her point, you understand, but that you would like her not to bring it up again till after the first of the year (or whatever point you feel would be more reasonable).

Also, I think the only way single mothers survive is by putting a lot of responsibility on their kids for their own care. Not in an unreasonable way, but in a way that helps the family survive. Your kids are all old enough to take care of many of their own needs and some household tasks, too. Just make sure it's spread equally.

BT

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 12:48 PM, December 14th (Sunday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 14th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have to make appointments for grocery shopping around the holidays?

Dont other countries do that too??

at Fnf and BT.
I think Ukg meant internet grocery shopping. And booking the delivery slot.

***
BT, this week is our last session for the year anyway as IC goes on leave for a month. Hopefully by then I will be a bit more settled in myself. I feel like I am under pressure from every side and its overwhelming, KWIM?

My kiddos do have their chores...in fact I got then involved as soon as they were walking!!
They think I am the meanest mum on earth for practicing child labour in this day and age...lol.


***
I have been thinking alot about my parents this past weekend. My mum sent over a piece of paper which I had "written" on when I was 4. Apparently I used to do the shopping lists then.
Anyway my father had dated and kept it all these years. At the bottom, he had written mine and my 2 sisters names and what wonderful beautiful blah blah daughters we were.

I felt so sad and angry reading that. How dare he?! After everything that he did (he has a LTA with my mum when she was underage and totally unaware that he was M'd. HE later went on to have, we suspect several inappropriate relationships, culminating in another LTA which lasted over 15 years with my mum's friend).

Would my children feel that way about H oneday? Or would he have hopefully, for all our sakes, changed significantly enough so as to have their respect and maybe admiration?
Then I get to thinking what would they think of me for staying/leaving?

ETA for bad grammar (yes it worse before )

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 12:37 PM, December 14th (Sunday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 14th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you handle stress?

I am finding it difficult to cope.My body has been reacting to this. I have been getting heart palpitations seemingly for no reason at all. My neck and back pain has worsened. Sleep is disturbed. I am snappy and grouchy with the kids.

I know I should take things one at a time, that I should take care of myself etc etc. Hey its usually me spouting this to everyone else and yet, here I am, ignoring this.

My IC says I have a long ingrained habit of punishing myself. I know we have uncovered some ugly stuff in EMDR which has been annoying the heck out of me.
And I wonder whether me ignoring my own advice is me punishing myself again.

Argh!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 14th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

today is holiday gathering with my sister's inlaws & my DS2 & DiL as some family is going to the prairies at the wkend. I go home Tues. it's snowing (unusual for here) but not -40C so we've delayed it for 2 hrs instead of cancelling. Sis & ! didn't sleep well (overtired from too much WallyWorld yesterday).
Thinking of you all and hope nobody is overdoing as we super-women tend to do. Trying to do 'just enuf' to pass this year. Ceramic lit tree, christmas decorations... but no big tree.
Got to run now... wrapping to do while chicken wings in the oven. Hot & cold finger foods/pot luck at my nephew's.
{{{LTA}}} Check back later.
LS in snowy west coast winter wonderland

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, December 14th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LS!
Enjoy the family gathering. It sounds wonderful!!!

***

Fnf, thank you for ...being you.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Ukg meant internet grocery shopping. And booking the delivery slot.

Ahhh! Now I get it!
Glad BT and I were able to give you a little chuckle.
I hope you had a good weekend and that you were able to catch up a little but more importantly RELAX and enjoy your new home. When you have a few minutes I'd love to hear more about it.
(((LH)))
HS - I'm so anxious to hear how your weekend went. I've never considered this and frankly I don't know that much about it so I would love to hear everything you're willing to share.
Weepy - if you're lurking, just wanted to send a big hug and wishes for happy holiday shopping and baking. Hope you are doing well.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm baaaaaack!!!

I posted in Recon about the weekend. EO and I are in a different place and I am want it to hold. This was the most transformative thing I have ever done in MY LIFE. I feel different about myself and ALL of my relationships. Please everyone go read in Recon and then I will answer all questions.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS - I just read your posts in recon and I can only say that I couldn't be happier for you and your H. I thought about you a lot over the weekend hoping you would find what you were looking for. Knowing that this kind of support is out there gives all of us hope.
I guess one of the questions I have is, What did you learn about EO this weekend that you didn't know or understand before but that transformed how you now see him? If this is too personal, feel free to ignore the question.
I also have to say that EO has been one of the most inspiring FWS's I have ever heard about on SI. He is so eager to change and to discover himself and shows such courage and such a deep love and commitment to you and your girls. You should treasure that as the very rare and precious gift that it is.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - Thank you for your beautiful and heartfelt post. To answer your question, I learned this:

He is so eager to change and to discover himself and shows such courage and such a deep love and commitment to you and your girls. You should treasure that as the very rare and precious gift that it is.

I just couldn't *see* it before because I was so blinded by my pain. But, in the "dialogue" when I talked about my pain and the hurt he had caused and how deep it was, he then has to "mirror" or repeat exactly what I said back to me. He can't analyze it, defend it, rationalize it, he just repeats it back. For the first time, I felt like he really, really heard and felt what I was saying. But, for me, more importantly, I think he *FELT* it.

The other thing that this workshop does is make you think about all of our inter-connectedness and how this is much bigger than just you and your partner. That is a perspective that I needed.

I like the concept of the "between" a lot. I don't know if I explained it clearly in recon but it is a powerful concept. I don't want to add any more toxic energy to the "between" between EO and me. I want to work with him to drain the negative energy from that space, nuture it and fill it was good, caring, compassionate energy and HE DOES TOO!!!!

The weekend gave me a way to look to the future. I know this is a big-ass rollercoaster and I know another down cycle will come. What I am hoping is that this dialogue process will allow me to find a clearer route out.

Finally, I think EO and I are going to switch to an Imago therapist for our MC. This is the first time is 16 months where someone has shown us a path out of this mess and I don't want us to lose our way.

((((((FNF))))))) Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the concept of the "between" a lot. I don't know if I explained it clearly in recon but it is a powerful concept. I don't want to add any more toxic energy to the "between" between EO and me. I want to work with him to drain the negative energy from that space, nuture it and fill it was good, caring, compassionate energy and HE DOES TOO!!!!

When I read this I have to say that that is exactly what I would love to see happen for my H and I. Sometimes there is so much of that negative energy between us even when I know we are both trying to ignore it or pretend it isn't there but it does affect our interaction. For this purpose alone, I may talk to my H about going on an IMAGO weekend.
Again, I am so happy for you and I want to thank you for sharing your weekend with us.
What a great way to begin the holiday season.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to add any more toxic energy to the "between" between EO and me. I want to work with him to drain the negative energy from that space, nuture it and fill it was good, caring, compassionate energy and HE DOES TOO!!!!

Well said, Shirley.
I bet many of us feel that way. It is so inspiring the way you and EO are working on this together, and it shows us that it is very possible for us, WS and BS, to recover and heal from this LTA crap, provided both are working actively together.
Yay for you both.

Sometimes there is so much of that negative energy between us even when I know we are both trying to ignore it or pretend it isn't there but it does affect our interaction

Thats us alot of the time, Fnf. Except with us, we would just snarl or nip at each other and retreat to our corners, then come out again, behaving fairly normal. And in the meanwhile, that undiscussed issue just gets added to the toxic pile piling up between us.

(I like that analogy of the negative space between a couple, Shirley...thanks)

I actually googled Imago here after reading your post, Shirley.
I had wanted to go awhile back when BT first suggested it. I bought the books and found out about local workshops. Theres even a lengthy one on a beautiful island in Greece!
But H shot the idea down despite my appeals, and I didnt cherish the idea of dragging him there, KWIM?

Maybe this is something I could bring up with him again...when I am feeling braver.LOL.

btw, UKG, if you are lurking, the one in Greece is for next June.

Fnf, GO FOR IT!

What a wonderful way to kick off the holiday season indeed!!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in. I'm still around LH!

Just too much going on at work and home. Busy, busy.

Fnf: If you find an Imago weekend, let me know...(there are ones in West Chester several times next year... I'm thinking June) And I'm baking those cookies tomorrow. I'll let you know how they turn out! I had a complete failure on a new recipe. I will never try something new when squeezed for time!

shirley, wonderful news. Keep it up!

LH: RE: whether your IC should be "telling" you to leave... no. Asking you why you haven't... yes. I get that question every damn appt.


BT: Everyone ok?

[This message edited by weepy at 10:19 PM, December 15th (Monday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Weepy.
If those cookies come out great, please pass on the recipe. (any chance of them having -3 calories? )

***

Hope everyone is keeping well, esp the newbies.As wonderful as this time of the year is, it is also stressful enough without the added burdens of dealing with LTA, so newbies, please reach out whenever you can. Just knowing that someone somewhere "gets it" can make a difference. You are not alone.

***
Hey Ukg? Whats happening?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - thanks for checking in and letting us know you are okay. There is a Getting the Love you Want workshop in New Jersey on (of all weekends) Valentines weekend. This is one of the ones hosted by Harville and Helen themselves - really, really powerful.

BTW, good for you baking your own cookies from scratch. I just hand the kids the Pillsbury Sugar cookie dough, a roller, the shapes and about 20 lbs of sprinkles and tell them to "go at it". They have a blast and make a HUGE mess.

Hi LostH2 - How are YOU doing? Are you ready for the holidays? I am so not. I still have shopping to do, haven't done any wrapping, haven't done my cards AND we are going away for 9 days on Christmas Day!!!! AAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH.

The good news: where we are going we really only need a bathing suit and some suncreen so packing shouldn't be too hard.

Day 2 and the "good" is still holding. We had our "traditional MC" today and I think she was a little blown away by the amount of work we accomplished this weekend and the degree of the progress. I can't imagine it is very comfortable for her to have struggled with us for this long and then we go away for a weekend and we move so far. Now I need to look into finding an Imago therapist in the area to work with. I know they have a list on their website so I need to get after it. Meanwhile, dialoguing is going well. What a fabulous method for safe communications. I am sure we will hit more "speed bumps". I just hope this have given us some tools to work through them.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to quickly stop by & say hello to everyone.


So glad to hear that your weekend went fantastic HS!

I would love to update more as WH & I have been all over the place but there's too much going on with Christmas, and we have Sesame Street live tomorrow night.


((HUGS)) to all.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,

Really good to read about all your progress and the wonderful happenings in your lifes. Wishing you all a nice holiday season.

I'm still very closed down and trying only to read. If I start typing I'll just make myself sick. So I'll keep reading until it passes. Take care and I'll be lurking about.


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, December 16th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your posts HS. Imago sounds like a well lit road. I looked into local workshops and at this time of year the price is a bit steep for us but maybe in the spring. I will try to order the books, I think it would be a great way to bring in 2009. I too am lucky to have a FWH ready to do anything to make things better.
LH, for a while I was a single mom and then while my WH was having his LTA I also felt like one. I think it was easier when I actually WAS a single mom. I didn't have expectations that were constantly being unmet, didn't have to live with the daily disappointment and lonliness that was present when my H was detached. Love yourself, keep your heart open to the love in your children. If you chose to leave him, believe me, it will be his loss. Your children will always respect you if you respect yourself
((((Big Hugs LH)))

To everybody else, let's all take the time to find one magic moment in the next 10 days and share it with one another. I know we can all find at least one. Peace


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dremalou)))

I'm in a similar situation -- lurking and reading, but not posting much these days. Am with WH and DD for the holidays, so things are interesting, to say the least.

Take care of yourself and update us here now and then.

[This message edited by gettingthrutoday at 1:21 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a Getting the Love you Want workshop in New Jersey on (of all weekends) Valentines weekend.

HS:That is a great weekend to hold such a workshop. I wish that my H and I had kept up the dialogue method we learned Valentine's wkend 1981! Maybe we wouldn't be dealing with the LTA now. Retrovaille or one by Harville is a good idea that I wish we had access to. Can't seem to re-start the dialogue on our own...


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